So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

Hardest CSI job

SOLVING A REDNECK MURDER!
ALL THE D.N.A. MATCHES EVERYONE IN TOWN.
NO DENTAL RECORDS


PAPERDOG

 

Unless you live in California

 

true story
while having breakfast with my wife and two other couples ..
one of the other men asked his wife to
" please pass the sugar sweetie"..
the other male asked his wife to
"please pass the syrup honey"
not wanting to leave my wife out i asked her
"please pass the bacon you pig"
ahhh .....the end was near after that..
paperdog

 

oops, that's an unfortunate Freudian slip. Sometimes the truth slips out.

 

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

 

so a blonde takes her car into the repair shop due to it running poorly,after a few hours the mechanic comes out to the waiting room and gives her the keys and says all set.The blonde asks what was wrong with her car, the mechanic says, just shit in the carberator,the blonde says, how often do I have to do that?

 

Fokkers

A World War II Royal Air Force pilot was telling a grade-school class about his days in the air corps.

"In 1942, the situation was really bad. The German air force was very strong. I remember one day when I was flying my fighter, protecting our bombers, when suddenly out of the clouds these Fokkers appeared."

Several schoolchildren giggled.

He continued, "I looked up and one was right above me. I pulled up, aimed, >and shot down that Fokker. Then they swarmed everywhere! Suddenly I realized that there was another Fokker behind me."

By now the students were laughing out loud.

Their teacher interrupted. "I think I should explain that 'Fokker' was the name of a German-Dutch aircraft manufacturer."

"That's true," said the old pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmidts!"

 

There once was a hermit named Maccabe...
He hid a dead whore in a cave...
Missing one tit...
Half Covered with shit...
Think of the money he saved...!!!

 

It's OK to teach your wife to shoot a gun... but it's not OK to teach her how to load it...!

 

How do you turn your dish washer into a snow blower?


You hand that bitch a shovel.

 

An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an English man are sitting at a bar.
They all order their pint of choice and while sitting there a fly lands in each one of their beers.

The English man pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another.

The Scotsman pulls the fly out and keeps drinking.

The Irishman pulls the fly out, holds it up in the air and screams,


"SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!"

 

That's funny! Thanks.

 

That is why God invented whiskey, to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
CHAZ

 

Dick Cheney decides he needs to go 'in country' Iraq.Landing just outside this dusty fleablown village he spots some locals .'Hey iraqi's! hows' democracy so far?"
'Great' ,they reply.
"so hows life now ? he asks.
"great,we have the freedom to have sex when ever we want"
"really? asks Cheney,how did that come about ? was it because we hung Sadaam?
"No, we have the camel!" came the joyous reply,
"how do you get up" asks Cheney looking at the big animal they have tied to a burnt out car.
"we use a ladder!" the happy jihadis shout.
"Can i try too? "asks Dick ..the man.
" Sure" they reply.
So Cheney climbs up the ladder behind the camel,flops out his old fella and jams it in the Camels ass ...and proceeds to pump one up .." hillary ,you bitch ...i'm cumm..'
and with that he climbs down again and red faced and panting he says to the Iraqis.." man that was good,what else do you with the freedom we have given you?.
" welll..says one,"I don't know about fucking the camel, but we ride him into town and go to the bars..."

 

A guy and a moron are watching a dog lick himself.
Guy: "Don't you wish you could do that?"
Moron:"Yeah, I sure do, but I'm afraid he'd bite me."

I still remember the first joke my 5 year old son (who's now almost 16) told me. He said "Daddy, do you know how to make a tissue dance?" I told him no. He says "You put some boogie in it!"

Out of the mouthes of babes...

 

...and spots his mate seamus propping up the bar.
"Seamus,me old mate how the fook are ya?!"
" no good Paddy,no friggen good at all" came the sorrowful reply.
"what ails ya boy,?" Paddy asks, all concerned like..
" oive gone and got me self a terrible disease Paddy,it might be the friggen aids it might.." '
" jeesus mary and joseph his alleged father"! Paddy cries,'what makes ya think that now??"
Seamus, by now,almost in tears moans' "i've got a terrible ring around me cock!!'
" Oh,ya great pillock man!' says Paddy," I had the same thing not last week i did," I went to Doc faraday and he prescribed a special cream and it's all gone,and only cost me 20 quid!".
So ,next day,Seamus is in the Docs office,showing the doc his diseased organ.
"hmm,says the doc,"this is very serious..not quite Aids,but friggen close Seamus me boy',and it's goin' ta cost ya about 40 quid to get rid of it."
" 40 fookin' quid! cries Seamus,"ya only charged Paddy 20!"
" Oh well now Seamus,says the wise old doc." " His was Lipstick...yours is Shit..."

 

why is Irish money called the 'Punt' ?

because It rhymes with Bank manager.

 

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi are walking past a grade school and see a little boy playing . The Priest says lets go over and screw that kid and the Rabbi says out of what???

 

Why do blondes make horrible waterskiers?

Every time their crotch gets wet their legs go up in the air.

 

A preist, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says, "Is this a joke?"

 

What happened to Lady Clairol?



Max Factor

LOL my dad's favorite joke


Guy walks onto the drug store and asks the pharmacist for "those condoms with pesticide on 'em"

The pharmacist sasy "don't you mean with spermacide"

"Nope!" the guy replys "My wife has a bug up her ass, and I'm amin' to kill it"

 

Guy walks into the drug store which also sells ice-cream..says to the Phamacist I'd like a condom with a scoop of ice-cream in it....what the hell for say's tha phamicist..My old lady has been bitchin' fer a deep freeze for years now...

 

What does Hillary Clinton do every morning after she shaves her P***y?

She sends him to work!

 

2 Irish women talking over their fence when the first woman sees her husband coming up the walk with an armload of roses. The first woman says "oh god, here we go again, I am going to spend the whole weekend flat on my back with my legs straight up in the air"
The second woman asks "what the matter, dont you have a vase?"

 

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on the Couch,
totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled
the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the Daughter-in-law
answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It Excites him to
no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, He instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her
Best perfume, dimmed the lights , put on a romantic CD, laid On the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her Laying there
so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT......
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I thought this thread got closed.


What do blonds and airplanes have in common?

Little black boxes.

 

Went to the cemetery the other day and saw 4 men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same 4 men withthe same coffin and I thought to myself they have lost the plot.....

Try the veal I will be here till Tuesday.....

 

This old guy was jogging around the block, and on his first lap he sees this kid sitting on the curb eating a Baby Ruth bar.
On his second lap he sees the kid eating a Hershey's bar with almonds.
On his third lap he sees the kid eating a one pound bag of M&Ms. He stops and says "Geeze kid, you ain't gonna live long if you keep eating like that." to which the kid replies "oh ya, well my grandpa lived to 101!".
The old guy says "He lived to 101 by eating candy?".
"No, by minding his own fucking business!!" the kid says.

 

did you hear about the 3 peanuts on the subway ?

2 of them were a-salted.

 

Here's a knock knock joke you can tell your kids.
Knock knock
Who's there?
The interupting cow
The inte MOO

Get it? You've got to interupt the other guy with the MOO.