old car jokes, lets hear em

Two Aggies buy an old woody and take it back to their shop and get to work on it. After working on it all day and night they take a step back and get a good look at what they have.
Then the first aggie says to the second, " you know, I think it looked better before we took it out of the crate"

 

That car has the same performance and safety features as a cheap garden tractor.

 

""if I fall out of the tree you shoot that fuckin dog".


"that is F&^kn funny!!

 

3 friends at work were talking.

First guy-" Whada u buying ur ole' lady fer Christmas?"

Second Guy-"A car. I think I'll buy her a Frasier, and amaze her."

First guy-" Good idea. I think I'll buy mine a Kaiser, and surprize her."

Third guy-"Then I think I'll buy mine a Tucker..."

 

A cop stops a Mennonite woman in a buggy and starts writin' her up a ticket. He says" you've got no reflectors on the back, and your slow-moving vehicle sign is blocked by your blanket hangin out the back. And he says one of the reins is tangled around the horses' testicles and fix it or I'll write you up for cruelty to animals.
She gets home and her husband says what's the ticket for ? She says "you have to add reflectors, make sure the sign is visible, and sumpthin' bout the emergency brake !"

 

Ouch!

Sooo... What goes clip..clop.. clip.. clop.. clip.. clop BANG! clipclopclipclopclipclop.








An Amish drive by shooting!

Mart.

 

Sandy and her boyfriend Bill were necking in his* 40 Ford

Bill whispered, "You smell so good. What do you have on?"

Sandy answered, "Evening in Paris."

A while later, Sandy said to Bill, "You smell good too. What do YOU have on?"

Bill answered, "I have a hard-on, but I didn't know you could smell it!"

BB

 

A woman calls an import parts warehouse and asks for a 28- ounce water pump. "A what?" says the confused parts guy. "My husband left a note it says he needs a 28-ounce water pump."

"A 28-ounce water pump? What kind of car does it fit?" "A Datsun."

As the parts guy writes down "Datsun, 28 oz. water pump" a light in his head goes on. "Oh yes ma'am. We've got 28-ounce water pumps. We have 24-ounce and 26-ounce water pumps too."

"Finally," she says. "You're the first place I've called that knew what I was talking about."

"Yes ma'am. That's because we're a full-service parts warehouse; it's our job to have the parts you need, like a 28-ounce water pump," he says, smiling, as he jots down customer pick-up, Datsun 280Z water pump part number...

 

^^^^I like that one.

 

a bus has a flat tire in the desert. The bus is loaded with young nuns going to a secluded convent for the rest of thier lives .The driver a crochety ol guy swears when he finds out there is no tools to change the tire...he sticks his head in the bus door and tells them he can't fix the flat and they ae stuck there until some one happens to stop to help..
the nuns start praying some look throgh thier belongings for something to help the situation.
One cute nun find a small philips bit driver in her bag and rushes to the driver outside....
exclaiming."Would you like a screwdriver?

he says "Might as well can't change the tire"

 

Here's a couple of OLD, old car jokes from my auto-related post card collection...................

From 1916:


and 1928:


finally, 1949:

 

Well I saw my buddy the other day, driving a sharp 32 coupe. I asked him "where did you get that car!?!"

He say to me, "its a long story, I went out on a date with this girl, and she showed up driving this" he went on "so the night was going good, so we cruised out to the middle of the woods, on a long drit road, she stepped out and took off all of her clothes and said "you can have anything you see here!"

I said "damn, what did you do!"

He said "well hell man, the damn clothes wound'nt fit me, so I went with the car!"

 

A couple kinda car related cards from my dads old stag deck from the 40's. One of my more cherished possesion from my father. My brother and I used to sneak these out of dads drawer and look through them. We were'nt sure what some of them ment but the speculation was fun.

 

Alright - here goes - first post

How many soccer moms does it take it screw in a light bulb?

None - Soccer moms screw in mini-vans!

 

Don't know if you've heard this one,but here goes.

'' Little Johnny just past his driving test, he's bought him self a little run around and it brakes down on him.He's stuck at the side of road with no mechanical knowledge and close to tears. Just as all seems lost a friendly mechanic stops to see if he can lend a hand.Johnny tells him what happened the mechanic takes a look under the bonnet/hood and after 10 minutes of fiddling around, he tells Johnny to try the car again. It starts first try, Johnny is beside himself with joy. He asks his saviour what was wrong the mechanic replies ''Oh just CRAP in the carb'' To which Johnny says'' Oh how often do I need to do that then?''

I know it's Shite but it's one of the two car jokes I know and the other is worse and longer!!!!

 

moredoor

Tri-5

or my favorite Nomad............

 

Dale Daley Paster of the Christian Rodders and Racers Says Jesus drove a Ford With a Chey motor in it. thats why he was walking

 

I know what jesus drives. While out in Southern California I ran accross a Billboard It read"Need Help Call Jesus" and it had a 1-800 number "So I thought what the heck and called the number. 5 minutes Later Jesus shows up in a Tow Truck!!!!!!

 

The young blond, home for summer break, decides to become the odd job person in her neighborhood for some extra cash......mowing lawns.....running errands.......walking dogs......what have you. She knocks on a mans doors who lives a few doors down from her and explains to him her summer occupation. He says that he has 3 gallons of paint and a porch in the back yard that needs painting. After painting the porch she again knocks on the mans door and says, "I finished the painting as you requested....except that car is a Corvette not a Porch."

 

Henry Ford died and went to heaven, St Pete told him he could visit with anyone he wanted to, Henry said "Well, I'm an inventer and I want to talk to the big guy, God, about one of his inventions". St Peter introduced Henry to God, Hank then told God how much he admired what he had done in 6 days, but there was one of Gods creations that was flawed. "Woman" Henry said, "some models have too big a rearend, some have too small a front end and they all chatter at high speeds", God said he would have his people look into it and he would get back to him, the next day God said "Our tests show, more people ride my invention than yours"

 

Geez these jokes are terrible.

I will have to put a stop to this.

I am now infecting this thread with a virus.

The next ones reading this will be infected with the AMISH COMPUTER VIRUS.

Dear Hamb user,

Your computer has now been infected with the Amish Computer
Virus. Since our beliefs do not allow us to use modern electrical
devices,
this virus works on the honor system.

You are instructed to e-mail this
virus letter to everyone on your mailing list, manually delete all
operating system files on your computer, erase all saved documents,
erase all saved pictures, and , after which you will
delete your entire mailing list.

Thank You
The Amish Computer Department

 

The husband forgot his wife's birthday, and she was pissed. She told him "I'll forgive you if you buy me a little something that will go from 0 to 220 in 30 seconds when I stand on it. And it better be in the driveway tomorrow."

The husband left early for work the next morning, and when the wife looked in the driveway she saw her gift. A bathroom scale.

 

This little penguin see something leaking out the bottom of his car so he goes to the transmission shop. The mechanic says it's going to take some time to see what the problem is.
The penguin says O.k. and decides to walk across the street to the ice cream shop.

Well with his little flippers it's really hard to hold the cone and he gets ice cream all over himself.

When he gets back to the transmission shop the mechanic says

Looks like "you blew a seal"

The pengin replys "No it's ice cream".

 

I once went into a Cal Worthington Ford dealership when I was stationed in Anchorage, Alaska at Elmendorf AFB. At the time I was driving a 94 Chevy ex-cab 3/4 ton 4x4 with 4" lift and 33" tires on it. Big, long, white Chevy truck on a Ford lot.

Anyway, I had gone into the dealership on a Saturday afternoon to purchase a Mark Martin racing team hat, as I was a pretty big Nascar fan at the time.

As I walked through the front door, I was pretty much MOBBED by 4 salesman, with 2 or 3 more on their way over to see what was going on. "You here to trade that truck in? We've got a new Ford out there just for you!" To which I told them my intentions of purchasing a hat, and no, I was happy with my truck. "Come on guy, we'll hook you up with a new truck. Got us some awesome deals out there." Again, I told them I was happy with my truck, and all I wanted to was a new hat.

Well, through the course of it all, I figured out the parts department where the hats were located was closed for the weekend, and no one was going to help me, and, already irritated at not getting a hat, I decided I'd had enough of the salesman tormenting me. So I told them, "I'll buy a brand new Ford truck today - right now - if you have one that has the new heated tailgate option I've been hearing about." This elicited several confused looks from this cluster of salesman. One of them looked at me with a puzzled look, and asked inquisitively "Heated tailgate? We haven't heard of that option." I turned to him and asked "This is Alaska right?" He responds, "Yeah, it's Alaska." I told him this option was brand new in colder climate states. He still looked puzzled and asked, "Are you sure it's a heated tailgate as an option?" I said, "Yeah, it's supposed to keep your hands warm in the wintertime when you are pushing!"

Like roaches when you turn on the lights, these salesman scattered.

Worst thing about the entire episode is that I didn't get my damned hat!

 

The only car joke I know that hasn't already been told would probably get me kicked off this board or at the very least shunned by the HAMB masses.
While I will forgo playing along, I appreciate the laughs.

 

Awww come on now..no guts no glory

 

ahh..I take that back..good idea dude!

 

This farmer gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer is writing the ticket, a bunch of flies keeps buzzing around the cops head. The cop swats at the flies to no avail. "Circle flies" the farmer says. "Huh, oh, why do you call them that?" asks the cop. "Because they're always circling around the hind end of a horse." says the farmer. "Uhhuh" says the cop as he continues to write the ticket, then the cop, "Hey wait a minute, are you calling me a horses arse?" The farmer, "Oh no sir I have far too much respect for the law to even think of implying that you were a horse's ass." "Good thing!" says the cop. Farmer says "Tough to fool them flies though.."

 

Two men and a blonde are heading across the desert on foot. The first man sez Im takin a gallon of water in case I get thirsty, the second sez Im taking some food incase I get hungry, the blonde sez Im taking a car door in case it gets hot I can roll the window down?

 

Clark, if you hate the Family Truckster now... wait'll you drive it...