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How to install "Headers"

Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Bob W, Jul 3, 2011.

  1. Bob W
    Joined: Sep 14, 2008
    Posts: 687

    Bob W
    from Here

    It's for a 69 Camaro but still a good read and laugh , even if it's a little new for here. :D

    "In 90 easy steps."

    1. Buy headers specifying to Marty the speed shop counterguy that you need them for a 1969 CAMARO with a 350 cid engine.

    [SIZE=-1]2. Pull car into garage and up onto ramps. Put wheel chocks behind rear tires. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]3. Open hood and realize that you shouldn't have driven 1969 CAMARO to speed shop since now the exhaust manifolds are approximately the same temperature as the surface of the sun. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]4. Surf Internet for porn sites for 3 hours until engine cools. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]5. Disconnect negative cable on battery.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]6. Soak exhaust pipe bolts & nuts with rust penetrant and let soak while you unpack headers and gaskets. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]7. Match gaskets to headers to be sure of proper fit and alignment. Use bolt holes as reference points. Trim gaskets as necessary. Place header gaskets in tray of water to cause them to swell and give better seal between header flange and cylinder head. Let soak until needed for installation. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]8. Inspect header flanges for welding slag, burrs, and any obstructions that would cause the flange not to seat properly and completely flush against cylinder head. Grind or file as needed, going slowly and checking work progress often. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]9. Check collector flanges for same possible obstructions. Trim as necessary. Notice that speed shop counterguy sold you wrong size collector gaskets. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]10. Moan and curse. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]11. Take wife's car to speed shop to get proper collector gaskets. Marty is on lunch break. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]12. Crawl under car with 3/8" ratchet, 10" extension, and 1/2" six-sided socket. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]13. Crawl out from under car cursing and retrieve 9/16" socket. Repeat as necessary until you happen upon the right combination of socket(s) & extensions or drag entire tool tray under car with you. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]14. Remove first manifold pipe nut easily and congratulate yourself on soaking them with rust penetrant [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]15. Strip edges off of second nut because you used a 12 point socket instead of proper six-sided one. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]16. Place 1/2" six sided socket onto extension and hammer it onto stripped nut. Spray some more rust penetrant onto nut for good measure. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]17. Wash face and eyes to remove rust penetrant that dripped down onto your face. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]18. Slowly and steadily twist stripped nut counter clockwise and give sigh of relief when it loosens. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]19. Using proper six-sided socket, turn last remaining exhaust manifold nut. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]20. Curse loudly as stud snaps off. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]21. Go to emergency room to have rust particles removed from right eye with suction needle in delicate, terrorfying office procedure. Make mental note to remember to wear safety goggles. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]22. Have right hand examined for lacerated knuckles from hand slamming into oil pan flange edge when exhaust manifold stud broke. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]23. Have forehead stitched closed from gash incurred when loose exhaust pipe dropped down and landed on head when exhaust manifold stud broke. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]24. Have punctures in left hand attended to from tripping over floor jack as you made your way into house with rust filled eyes and placed your hand out to catch yourself but hand landed onto rake tangs from garden rake hanging on wall where wife suggested it 'would be out of the way and no one will get hurt'. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]25. Crawl under car, with safety glasses on, and begin removing exhaust manifold nuts on other side. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]26. See #'s 15 - 18. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]27. Dodge falling exhaust pipe and laugh as it misses your head. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]28. Hit head on bottom of open door. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]29. Begin removing manifold to cylinder head bolts on driver's side by removing power steering pump to gain access to front bolts. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]30. Remove master cylinder to reach back bolts on drivers side. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]31. Curse very loudly as last remaining bolt on drivers side snaps off flush with edge of cylinder head. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]32. Remove any and all accessories necessary to gain access to passenger side manifold bolts. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]33. As second bolt breaks on passenger side, seriously think about collecting baseball cards as a hobby instead of working on classic automobiles. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]34. Bandage cut knuckles. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]35. As third bolt snaps on passenger side, give serious thought to trading in prized musclecar on new Hyundai with $0 down, 1% financing, and 6 year extended warranty. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]36. Take a break after all manifold bolts are either removed or broken off and reward yourself with cool beverage. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]37. Surf Internet for porn sites for 30 minutes. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]38. Attempt to remove passenger side manifold but discover that broken bolts prevent manifold from being removed since manifold must be slid outwards to clear broken shafts. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]39. Remove bolt(s) from passenger side motor mount and using a block of wood between floor jack ond engine oil pan, jack up engine slightly. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]40. Stop jacking when expensive high performance distributor cap contacts firewall and shatters. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]41. Slide manifold off of broken manifold bolts and set aside. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]42. Lower engine. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]43. Attempt to remove driver's side manifold but find that it is somehow sealed tightly to cylinder head. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]44. Jam screwdriver between manifold and front edge of cylinder head and gently pry. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]45. Curse when you hear the manifold [/SIZE][SIZE=-1]crack, but what the hell, you were putting on headers anyway, right?[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]46. Discover that there is an additional manifold bolt in back, underneath and hidden from view, that you overlooked the first time. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]47. Remove bolt in question and give thanks to omnipotent being of choice for small favors. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]48. Discover that manifold cannot be removed due to same reason as in step #38.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]49. Use previous procedure of loosening motor mount and raising engine up, this time on driver's side. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]50. Remove steering shaft rag joint to gain clearance for manifold to be removed. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]51. Remove driver's side manifold. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]52. Soak all broken manifold bolt shafts with rust penetrant. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]53. Attach super strong vice grips to first broken shaft. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]54. Curse in frustration as they repeatedly slip. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]55. Tighten vice grips onto bolt shaft so tightly you need both hands and extreme effort to close vice grips.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]56. Be rewarded by snapping off shaft flush with cylinder head. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]57. Bandage wounded hand(s). [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]58. Surf Internet car sites and bulletin boards for suggestions on how to remove broken rusted bolts.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]59. Take suggestions of fellow car enthusiasts and purchase an "easy out" kit. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]60. Drain cooling system. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]61. Remove intake manifold, valve covers, and any other items necessary to remove cylinder heads. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]62. Remove cylinder heads. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]63. Follow directions with "easy out" kit. Once again, curse loudly when "easy out" bit snaps. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]64. Find out by attempting to drill "easy out" broken shaft that they are made out of the same material used to polish diamonds. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]65. Take cylinder heads to speed shop to have bolt shafts removed and threads tapped if necessary. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]66. Listen to wife annoyingly ask if you are through working on your 'hot rod'. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]67. Examine face in mirror and be relieved that forehead wound will not scar too badly. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]68. Receive call from Marty at the speed shop that your heads are "shot" and that you will need to have the heads hot tanked, magnafluxed, a complete valve job, hardened exhaust valve seats installed so that you will be able to use unleaded gas, new valves, new guides, screw in studs and pushrod guides, hardened pushrods, and new rocker arms in addition to having the broken bolt shafts removed and retapped. And new gaskets too. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]69. Realize that your children really don't need a college education and agree to have the work performed on the heads. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]70. Pick up heads from machine shop three weeks later and hide checkbook from wife. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]71. Lay headers in engine compartment in preperation for re-installing the heads but first remove oil filter and starter for clearance. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]72. Install freshly prepped heads and all items necessary for thier removal.[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]73. Refill cooling system. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]74. Spend 2 hours trying to get headers to bolt up but the bolt holes do not align and the angle of the flanges isn't quite right. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]75. Find header box under car, with transmission oil stain on it from leaking tranny seal and read numbers on box end. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]76. Call speed shop and ask what those header numbers fit. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]77. Crush phone in hands when Marty says: "Big block Pontiac 1969 Firebird. "Hey, they're pretty much the same car, right?"[/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]78. Attempt to remove headers from engine compartment. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]79. Scratch up engine compartment, freshly painted heads, headers, and hands, but headers do not come out. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]80. See step #'s 60 - 62. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]81. Box up headers, take wife's car, lay 80 feet of rubber down driveway and into street, ignore all speed limits and stop signs and return to speed shop. Try to stay calm. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]82. Explain to Marty the problem. Try to stay calm. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]83. Marty looks at your headers and points to sign on wall stating that no returns are allowed after 14 days or without receipt. He also says, "...that he couldn't take them back anyhow because they are all scratched up and you did some modifications to the flanges. And the gaskets are all wet too....... Sorry." Try to stay calm. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]84. Leave store amidst laughter of speed shop employees and hushed remarks about "...the stupid Chevy Camaro guy..." Try to stay calm. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]85. Retrieve from trunk of wife's car SKS semi-automatic assault rifle with specially modified 40 round clip of 7.62mm jacketed NATO rounds. Try to stay calm. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]86. Return to store. Try to stay calm. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]87. Get convicted of 7 cases of manslaughter and one case of attempted manslaughter since it looks like Marty will pull through. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]88. Tell racing tales to your cell mate(s) and brag about how fast your car was. Tell the other cons that 6 consecutive life sentences plus 200 years 'ain't no big deal!" [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]89. Trade 3 packs of cigarettes and do things you only saw on Internet porn sites just to see last months Popular Hot Rodding magazine. [/SIZE]

    [SIZE=-1]90. Receive visit from wife who informs you that not only is she filing for divorce, but she gave your prized 1969 Camaro convertible to her new boyfriend, a guy named "Marty". [/SIZE]
    Last edited: Jul 3, 2011
  2. 1320/150
    Joined: Oct 9, 2009
    Posts: 647


    Holy f*$k how long did this take to write?
  3. oldblue53
    Joined: Dec 10, 2006
    Posts: 172


    Thanks for the laugh! I needed it!
  4. Von Rigg Fink
    Joined: Jun 11, 2007
    Posts: 13,426

    Von Rigg Fink
    from Garage

    Ha....Camaro..whood a guessed it?

    just kidding

    you know if they made it easy anyone could do this..right?

    hope you heal up ok..dam

  5. farmer12
    Joined: Aug 28, 2006
    Posts: 7,717


    wow, what a story! there's nothing else like writing a good novel on a sunday morning.
  6. dirty old man
    Joined: Feb 2, 2008
    Posts: 8,892

    dirty old man

    SHEEEEEIT!!!!!! Glad I didn't havw any beverage of any sort in my mouth while reading the last few lines past #86! Till then i was chuckling sympathetically, cause I have experienced all of the preceding, just not all in the same job!
  7. spinout
    Joined: Jan 15, 2008
    Posts: 333

    from Dallas, TX

    And the winner is..................Marty!
  8. Von Rigg Fink
    Joined: Jun 11, 2007
    Posts: 13,426

    Von Rigg Fink
    from Garage

    Not really if you think about it.......

    He's next:eek:
  9. M.Edell
    Joined: Jun 5, 2009
    Posts: 4,157


  10. onlychevrolets
    Joined: Jan 23, 2006
    Posts: 2,307


    sounds about right.....
  11. M.Edell
    Joined: Jun 5, 2009
    Posts: 4,157


    I had to steal this and post it on Facebook..too funny!
  12. farmboat
    Joined: Aug 13, 2006
    Posts: 287

    from Lucas, KY

    but look at all the fun you had. maybe you should take up drinking beer helps you relax
  13. onlychevrolets
    Joined: Jan 23, 2006
    Posts: 2,307


    just sent you a friend request
  14. bobjob55
    Joined: May 23, 2009
    Posts: 327


    # 24 ..... next time ,,, flip rake over so that pointy ends goes towards wall ... DUH !!!!!
  15. 40Standard
    Joined: Jul 30, 2005
    Posts: 5,834

    from Indy

    and we all know a "Marty" at the parts store
  16. 49 Custom
    Joined: Apr 17, 2009
    Posts: 282

    49 Custom

    Great post! More than a few of those steps were followed over the past few weekends during my header/exhaust installation. Two major exceptions: 1) no ramps, so I had to jack one side up, do some work, then switch sides & 2) exhaust ports are on the block, so I had to be EXTRA careful not to break any bolts. Nonetheless, misery loves company, and your guide to installing headers put a smile on my face and my torn up hands don't feel as bad anymore.
  17. Mr48chev
    Joined: Dec 28, 2007
    Posts: 28,843


    I think that most of who have ever installed a set of headers on a car have been through more than one line of that battle. Almost as much fun as changing the clutch in an S-10 4x4 or changing plugs in a 64 ChevyII V8 station wagon that my boss thought had a six in it.
  18. Lotek_Racing
    Joined: Sep 6, 2006
    Posts: 690


    Big block PONTIAC???

    Marty is an idiot on many levels.
  19. tommyd
    Joined: Dec 10, 2010
    Posts: 11,328

    from South Indy

    Holy crap!!!! Laughed so hard that I now have a headache! Still worth it though. It's a wonder any of us still love cars after our first set of headers.
  20. Muttley
    Joined: Nov 30, 2003
    Posts: 18,449


    Pure comedy gold.
  21. OMG, your life's a mirror of mine. Funny to tell about it, not funny to live it!
  22. reminds me of the initiation ritual of the Mopar Fanatic - putting headers on a small block A, B, or E body - figuring out that the steering centre link goes THROUGH the drivers side header.

    Second initiation, figuring out that that same driver's side header is 2" lower than the K-member. Every set of street headers for a small block mopar has two flattened tubes from curbs, speed bumps and bad potholes.

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