Favorite one liners as told by gearheads

Busier than a set of jumper cables at a hillbilly wedding.

Busier than a set of jumper cables at a hillbilly picnic.

One thing is for sure if O.J. didn't do it somebody did. (my brother in law)

 

You've got two chances - one's slim, the other's fat

 

About as handy as a monkey fucking a football.

Throw it up in the air and if it comes down, it's too heavy.

 

My dad quoted my grand-dad from back in the '30s when the Dodge crest still read, "Dodge Brothers." Grandpa said all the boys extended it:

"Dodge the brothers, pick up the sisters!" LOL.

Grandpa didn't like Studebakers much, either. He brushed 'em off as "Stud-breakers."

 

"Is it knocking? hell, sounds like the pistons are swapping holes!" peace

 

Whatever turns your crank

 

There's something kind of eeEEEEeeehh about a boy that's never played baseball.

Foghorn Leghorn

 

At the Pate Swap Meet (back when it was out in the country) and a guy comes idling by real slow in a 35 Ford pickup with a "for sale" sign on it....

The guy in the next space stops him and asks him, "how much?"

The driver says, "$1500"

The guy in the next space says, "well then, get out of it"

 

mark martin commenting on mike waltrip's #55 race car;

"his car's so dirty dogs won't chase it"

Later

 

I like that. Mark's USUALLY very measured in his comments! LOL.

 

Back about 1946 or 47 Bob Hope had an evening radio program, believe it was on a sunday evening & he was always cracking jokes so one night he said" If the women wear their dresses any shorter they are going to have two more cheeks to powder & another head of hair to comb" THE RADIO WENT DEAD SILENT & HE WAS CUT OFF THE AIR.

 

Shes so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road

 

My buddy years ago if we saw a well built car/ engine
"That's just double trick & throw down"
My roundy round buddy
"2nd place is nothing more then the first loser"
Me to my customers when I put a roll bar/cage in their car
"here you go, try NOT to try it out!"

 

I worked for a guy (murf)right after high school that could break ANYTHING,One day a tool guy comes in and tells him "I have a hammer that is unbreakable" and Murf laughs and says you want to bet?Any ways of course he breaks it and the tool guy says "Murf i think you could break a steel ball in a rubber room wearing a strait jacket"

 

My uncle always gave me shit.One day i tripped over something in the shop and he says you sure are clummsey.Ten minutes later he trips over the same thing and he says "damn place is boobey trapped"

 

I always say, slicker than shit on wet glass. unknown I picked it up in the air force.

 

Years ago I got to stop at blackie gejeians house and see his roadsters up close and he would talk about the old days and the way he would wire an extra switch into his tail lights. When I asked him what for he said if the sheriff was after him at night he could turn off his tail lights and still have his head lights because "I needed to see where I'm going but he sure as hell didn't need to know where I'm at".

 

When I worked support, a lot of tickets with real idiots were closed with PEBCAK.

Problem
Exists
Between
Chair
And
Keyboard

 

Me:
CHROME is a five letter word that soon turns into a four letter word RUST.

 

If you can't fix it with a hammer its an electrical problem....

 

" If it wasn't for women, kids, or dogs, I'd be racing top fuel"

ME!

 

Johnny, while I would not take any amount of money for my kids, I have uttered those very words MANY times!! peace

 

If they could make electricity out of Bullshit, You would be a Powerhouse.

 

One day while catching a ride home from school with my dad he proceeds to start chewing my ass out for something stupid I did. When we got in the driveway I said " YEAH well like father like son" He hit the brakes & I hit the drive running as fast as I could & red brick flew by my head missing it just by inches. I stayed out till dark & snuck in & up to my room.
Another time I was catching a ride home & thought I was pretty smart so I sez" Ya know if you would have stopped having kids after me I could have been a rich playboy." He replies" Maybe I should have stopped before you" I kept my yap shut after that one. We had 9 kids in the family & I was the first boy with 3 older sisters. We weren't rich but always had a roof over our heads & food to eat. Folks bought a 100 acre farm in 1947 for $13,000.00.

If it feels good do it.

 

Just yesterday, a young "urbanite" brought his Benz in to have a knock and a surge looked at. He explained that he had taken it to various other mechanics prior to hearing about my buddy Buzzard's shop, which specializes in MB. Mind you, I'm under the '53 listening to the whole street slang conversation about 10 feet from me.
Kid; "First I took it to so and so, an' he thought he fixed it."
Buzzard;"Did he at least treat you right?"
Kid; "Yeah, yeah... he showed some love. Felt like I got a hug on the way out."
Buzzard; "Who looked at it after that?"
Kid; "Then so and so looked at it, he showed me some love. He showed like a hug AND a kiss. Do you think you can fix it?"
Buzzard; "Oh, I'm sure we can fix it."
Kid; "What kinda love you gonna show me?"
At that point I slid out from under the '53 and blurted "Motherfucker, are you here looking to get your car fixed or to get a reach-around?"
Buzzard, the kid, everyone just about fell out cracking up.

 

advise from father to son: spend you money on your car not the girls. you'll still have your car 2 years from now.

 

Well, heres one I heard the other day.
Me and my buddy was at an off road desert race, and a group of youngins were there. One had his hat backwards, so my buddy says "Hey you know why they turn there hats backwards?" Kid says "no", my buddy says "It's to either milk a cow or give a BJ, and I sure as hell don't see any cows" Kid turned his hat forward.

 

My favorite is....it has a corvette engine in it.

 

Had a boss once who was an old school hard ass, but great guy and he had a ton of great sayings.

"If they could make concrete as hard as your head, they could build a bridge from here to Europe."

"That car ain't got enough power to pull a limp dick outta a lard bucket."

 

Lot's of great ones but I didn't see my favorite:

"That thing sounds like 2 skeletons fucking in a trash can"