Favorite one liners as told by gearheads

Overheard at a mechanical shop I worked at.

"Oh, you dont want me to fix it. You just want me to work on it..."

 

"...and if cows shit butter we wouldn't need to churn." Dad, when I was whining about "if only".

"Wish in one hand, shit in the other. Whattaya got?" Dad again.

"It's runnin like a box a' smashed assholes (useless)". A fellow instructor. To be politically correct, we changed it to a container of collapsed colons...

"He could break a crowbar in a sandbox and lose one of the pieces" Ed "Duct Tapes" Hertfelder

 

Nunzzi romano
Via our phone conversation in mid 80s

" Yes that will make it a bit richer, but not enough. Sort of like pissing in the ocean and saying that you have changed the amount of water. You did, but it doesn't amount to anything"

I use that one all the time.

 

my dad had a car like that, then he got a job

 

subscribed-even though it will be gone soon

If ya can't duct it--Fuck it!

that boy is a hamburger short of a Happy meal!

 

The cam in this-one is so hairy i had to take the clippers to it just to get it in !!! Tommy kerns

 

Just heard one on Horsepower TV. They were dyno tuning a motor and the guy says; "Thats more fun than a case of beer and a chainsaw".

 

dad when we raced circle track;

$50,000 to worth of shit to keep a $5,000 car on the track.

go fast, turn left, tear shit up.

wreck it, fix it, repeat.

best waste of money l ever spent.

l must catch up, for l am their leader.



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Daryl Waltrip;

sometimes the wall is the best adjustment ya can make.

giv'em the chrome horn.
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Jr Johnson;

the best way to make a small fortune in racing is to start out with a large fortune.
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every racer;

it's only cheatin' if ya get caught




later

 

If you’re in control, you’re not going fast enough. – Parnelli Jones

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you. – Jeremy Clarkson

Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built. - Henry Ford

As far as cheating goes, they’ll never stop it. The only way it can be done successfully, only one person can know about it. – Smokey Yunick

After the third flip, I lost control………… - Don Roberts

We worked 80 hour weeks for 30 years to keep from having to get a real job. – Tom Lemon

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. - Dave Barry

When I started racing my father told me, ‘Cristiano, nobody has three balls but some people have two very good ones. - Cristiano Da Matta

 

we were cruising and a cop pulled over mid-60's caddy and l over heard the cop say " son, l don't have enough pages in my ticket book for every thing that's wrong with this car"

Later

 

Rule #1 when building a Mopar: IT'S NOT A CHEVROLET!!

It's not the cars that make the hobby great,
it's the people that come with it.

 

"It's drier than a popcorn fart in the middle of July" Gary Wise

 

My grand-dad:
On teaching me to drive a 4-speed Studebaker truck, "Just grind em till they fit."

On how much I broke, " That boy could tear up an anvil with a feather."

 

Thanks for the laughs.

Rodney: if you aint cheatin', you're not tryin' hard enough.

Stan S.: Hurry up, Friday is catching up with us.

Tim D.: He's 1 taco short of a combo plate.

My son at age 5: you don't need money dad, just write a check.

Hamber: handier than a shirt pocket.

 

Red Greene;

the man's prayer:

l'm a man,
but l can change,
IF l have to, l guess.

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win if ya can, lose if you must, but at all cost CHEAT.

Later

 

My Grandpa

When it comes to women, start off small because they always get bigger.

 

2nd place is just the first loser

Hotter than a popcorn fart

Say what! You want some O this

Slick as a whistle

saw his on 54 chevy back in the 60s letitallhangout

numbskull

 

Aerodynamics is for people that can not build engines Ferrari

 

"Stand on it... til' ya hear glass or smell shit!" - Six Pack

 

"keep the rubber side down and the tin side up"

 

Nice Bike! Were you put the batteries!

Zed(Bobcat Goldthwait)

 

"That boy's about one nugget short of a Happy Meal."

God gave us two ears and one mouth so we'd listen twice as much as we talk. However, here on the HAMB, we have two eyes and ten fingers.

"That girl could suck-start a Honda."

"What's wrong with my car?" "I think it's the nut behind the wheel."

"The harder you work, the luckier you become." Roger Penske

"Racing ... because golf, football, and baseball only require one ball."

"Doing bad things to people makes you hate them. Doing good makes you love them."

"Drive-in banks were established so most of the cars today could see their real owners." E. Joseph Cossman

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves." ~Albert Einstein

"Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death…" – Hunter Thompson

"If you can leave two black stripes from the exit of one corner to the braking zone of the next, you have enough horsepower." - Mark Donohue

"20% of the gear-head quotes you see on the internet are made up." - Abe Lincoln

 

When everything goes wrong.... what's right.... what's left

 

Opening text from Talladega Nights:

America is all about speed. Hot, nasty, badass speed. -Eleanor Roosevelt, 1936

...

 

when l asked a guy at the car show why he had chopped the top so severally;

"frontal vision is vastally over rated"

Later

 

"I couldn't score in a monkey whore house with a bag full of bananas"

 

Henry Ford

Nothing is particularly hard if you divide it into small jobs.

Quality means doing it right when no one is looking.

There is no man living that can not do more than he thinks he can.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

You can't learn in school what the world is going to do next year.

You can't build a reputation on what you are going to do.

 

'If you can't fix it with a hammer then its' electrical'

'He couldn't drive a nail into dirt'

 

" Sorry, if it has valves in the heads I don't know or care a damn about it!"