Favorite one liners as told by gearheads

back in the early 80s, helping a friend do some after race maintenance on his F/C, a young gun hanging around the shop helping grabbed a 24" pull handle to tighen some 1/4" nuts. Frank said " put that damn thing down, you ain't working on no peterbilt'.

 

"Drive fast and slide the corners"

 

Hope this isn't a repeat

I don't know you but your car is waving at me.
Grab a gear Einstein

 

Are you naturally Stupid or did you take lessons???

 

"Once you blow out the bottom end, the top end will never run the same" Craig Davis.

 

When something's going well: "Better'n a hand job!"

 

that is pure gold im going to sleep in the dog house to night .showed my wife it and she didnt think it was funny

 

You can't tell them that when they are riding the cycle. Fuck dude, you are lucky she lets you live long enough to get to the dog house.

My honey thinks it funny as hell 3 out of 4 weeks.

 

My dad worked at NASA. He would bust the engineers butts all the time when their cars had problems. Quote " Your smart enough to build a spaceship to go to the moon, but you can't find your sparkplugs?" LOL

 

A friend point out a sag in the clear on a car I had just finished spraying.
Him "You got a run"..
Me, "Nope, Just a flow check......"

Went to see a friends new car he was building, walked in the shop and he was standing by the car. I asked if anyone was killed in that wreck and without hesitation he replied, "No, but you sister was cut in the back seat......"

 

tighter than shit.

Still trying to grasp the concept of that one.

 

Theres fast, theres reliable and theres cheap. Choose any two that you want

 

maybe been said here.if it don't go chrome it.

 

slicker than owl shit

 

"Tighter'n the nuts on a Packard"

"Handy as a wheel on a crutch"

"Shot at & missed, shit at & hit"

"More runs than the '27 Yankee's"

"Guy's pretty sharp, studied 3 days for a urine test.."

"Chick was so fat, a picture of her weighed 10 lbs."

 

After doing a 360 on a bridge with black ice, Pops said to me
"that's what you call spinning out, son"

 

That chick is so fat if someone said haull ass, she'd have to make 3 trips !
The best woman to have is a fat, tatooed lady ! You've got heat in the winter, shade in the summer, and moving pictures all year round !
(Thanks Grandpa Crow !)

 

My gramps was a mechanic his whole life, he's long since passed on now, but one of his old co-workers told me a funny story about him.

Whenever he'd finish working on a Ford he'd say "NOW THAT'S FOMOCO"...in admiration of his work. Nobody had a fucking clue what he was talking about...except the parts guys who saw FOMOCO in their sleep

 

Ain't exately an gearhead, but non the less damn good;

Sebastien Vettel, shortly after winning his first Grand Prix had a microphone shoved in his face while a journalist put it to him that "this must be the best day of your life." Vettel's response? "You obviously weren’t there when I lost my virginity."

Dale Ernhardt: " You win some... You loose some... You wreck some".

 

“Mario (Andretti) was within two seconds of me for the whole race, ... We had a stellar cast.” - Dan Gurney

“I'm going to say this because I know my fans like my brutal honesty. Every year, all the competitors go out to the bar and try to get me drunk so I can't run the next day. It didn't work this time.” - Tony Stewart

Nobody remembers the guy who finished second but the guy who finished second. – Bobby Unser

The winner ain’t the one with the fastest car, it’s the one who refuses to lose. – Dale Earnhardt

We broke something, I think it was traction… – Carl Edwards

Calling upon my years of experience, I froze at the controls. – Stirling Moss

Faster, faster, faster, until the thrill of speed overcomes the fear of death… – Hunter S. Thompson

Each driver has its limit. My limit is a little bit further than other’s. - Ayrton Senna

It is amazing how may drivers, even at the Formula One Level, think that the brakes are for slowing the car down. – Mario Andretti

There’s no secret. You just press the accelerator to the floor and steer left. – Bill Vukovich

No, no, he didn’t slam you, he didn’t bump you, he didn’t nudge you… he *rubbed* you. And rubbin, son, is racin’. – Harry Hogge

If you can leave two black stripes from the exit of one corner to the braking zone of the next, you have enough horsepower. - Mark Donohue

If you’re in control, you’re not going fast enough. – Parnelli Jones

Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you. – Jeremy Clarkson

He ran out of talent about halfway through the corner. – Buddy Baker

After the third flip, I lost control………… - Don Roberts after crashing in the Jade Grenade at New England Dragway in 1975.

Auto racing, bull fighting, and mountain climbing are the only real sports… all the others are games. – Ernest Hemingway

 

Tighter than a frogs ass(thats water tight), U guys look like three monkeys fucking a football!,once you get past the smell you got it licked! (over 30 years in construction)only a few I remember. Pete

 

My father uses this line all the time. "He or She couldn't poor piss out of a boot with instructions written on the heal". Still cracks me up when he says it.

 

From my Father."Hey boy.You`re paid to do.NOT think.
He`s busier than a one armed paper hanger with the 7 year itch.
Good luck.Have fun.Be safe.
Leo

 

As I heard it: I can weld the crack of dawn or a broken heart, I added or and a butt crack!

 

Kinda sounds like Strother Martin bubbling up to Liberty Valance...

 

life is hard
life is harder if stupid. john wayne.

 

Read earlier today in the welding aluminum to steel thread. "I can weld a cat's ass to a telephone pole...."

I got a chuckle out of that one.

 

The suns shines on a dog ass everyonce in awhile....

Just because you aren't paranoid, doesn't mean their not out to get you.......

 

I was being lazy one day and took my car in for an oil change and asked to have the front end lubed. I usually change my own oil but I'd never bothered with greasing it for the 4 years I owned it. Anyway the mechanic/owner gets done and says to me:

"Boy. The suspension's like sex. It ain't good if it's dry"!

 

In the UK if suggesting something that wont be agreed on:
"You've/There's as much chance as getting Turkeys to vote for Christmas"
For the US you might have to change that for Thanks Giving, admittedly not au fait with the correct nomenclature.