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Event Coverage Ass Waxing part three

Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Road Kill PU, Aug 16, 2014.

  1. So another saga in the ass waxing begins. Just a little bit of history first. You need to know that over the past few years that Denise have a history of racing at the H.A.M.B. Drags and there is always a big bet on the line. The first time we raced I had my old 57 Chevy pick up (the Road Kill Pick Up) which I use as my handle on the H.A.M.B. She had Big Olds. Well to put it in laymans terms, she waxed my ass. The next time I had my old 54 Chevy with a 235 6 in it and she had her cookie pusher wagon. Again, she waxed my ass. So this year I was of course looking forward to a rematch. So, I get to Joplin and I find out she did not bring a hot rod. So I thought, damn, no race this year.
    So any way, Denise comes up to me and tells me she is going to race me in my car and she would be on a bicycle. Now I'm thinking, this just ain't right. She says she wanted to guarantee me the win. Now, I don't mind getting my ass waxed, but how would it look if I pulled up to the line and she pulled up to race me on a bicycle. You talk about embarrassing. So, I go looking for a bicycle I can borrow to race her with. I found one and surprised Denise when I pulled up next to her on the beach cruiser. So we waited for what seemed like an eternity and then we are on the starting line. We stage, the light turns green and I beat her off the line but my left foot is stuck in that traction crap they spray on the starting line and I struggle to get it unstuck and up on the pedal. So finally after what seemed like at least a minute I look up and there she is about 6 bike lengths ahead of me. I think, oh crap, it's happening again. Now before I go too much further, you've got to understand, in 30 days I'll be 73 years old. I've got a pace maker for my heart and I'm thinking what am I doing. So any way the race continues and I'm pedaling as hard as I can and I'm gaining. By the end of the quarter mile she beat me AGAIN. Damn! Got my ass waxed again. This is getting expensive. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
  2. tb33anda3rd
    Joined: Oct 8, 2010
    Posts: 15,289

    1. Connecticut HAMB'ers

    second place isn't bad.
  3. GeezersP15
    Joined: Dec 4, 2011
    Posts: 542

    from N.E. PA

    Well Dick, you're a good sport to tell the story of your "Ass Waxing", and I'll bet you had a good laugh over it when the race was over. Wish we had a video of that race. That would be a real hoot. Kudos to you.
  4. You should be proud, I hope to be so lucky as to be able to pedal a bike for a quarter of a mile when I'm 73! (and live to tell about it)
    loudbang likes this.
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  5. In the second sentence I omitted a few words but you all got the drift. I always look forward to the Drags. As far as I am concerned this is a can't miss deal. I have more fun than the law allows and I am sure I broke some laws this weekend. What a blast.
    loudbang and Malcolm like this.
  6. Thanks for the laugh...that was great.
  7. flamingokid
    Joined: Jan 5, 2005
    Posts: 2,199


    Something about getting beat by a member of the fairer sex tends to put a shit eatin' grin on a grown mans face ;)
  8. Hemiman 426
    Joined: Apr 7, 2011
    Posts: 526

    Hemiman 426
    from Tulsa, Ok.

    Ihope that someone got some good pics!
  9. hrm2k
    Joined: Oct 2, 2007
    Posts: 3,624


    good chuckle Dick.
  10. Next year try a little harder compound shoe, maybe a loafer instead of a puma. This will allow you to break your feet loose just a little off the line. Have someone video tape you off the line, wearing one white sock and one black sock you should be able to see if your feet are slipping.....
    tb33anda3rd likes this.
  11. Thanks for the advice. An old fart like me is always looking for ways to gain an advantage.
  12. Russco
    Joined: Nov 27, 2005
    Posts: 4,074

    from Central IL

    Hey it was nice talking to you today. I guess if you gonna have someone hand you your ass it might as well be Denice huh?
    hotrodladycrusr and hrm2k like this.
  13. The whole weekend was great. Racing Denise was just part of the fun I had. Friday at the motel, seeing old friends and the cars. Can it get any better?
  14. Dam you got me laughing my ass off . Made me remember the time me and my buddy had are little red wagon race and we were in are forties then dam near killed are old asses he was ahead just as I tried to pass him he cut me off down we went tore up are cloth knees arms etc. stood up laughing are asses off and said dam I feel like a kid again
    hotrodladycrusr likes this.
  15. Damn.....and I thought someone actually posted a HAMB tech thread in three parts for actual ass waxing. LOL I'll keep the horrid visuals to myself, and not share with you guys. Thank God this was not the case. Funny.
  16. pwschuh
    Joined: Oct 27, 2008
    Posts: 2,222


    I won't believe a word of it until I hear Denise's version of the story...
  17. tikiwagon13
    Joined: Feb 23, 2011
    Posts: 371


    awesome, I have to make it to the HAMB drags one of these years.
  18. Denise is patiently waiting on ice cream. I could not believe how sticky that track was. I'm not kidding, I couldn't hardly get my left foot up to the pedals. I thought I might need a pry bar.
  19. big57daddy
    Joined: Jun 25, 2013
    Posts: 80


    I bet she rigged the race by putting extra traction crap in your lane.....
    Great story; thanks for the chuckle!
  20. mashed
    Joined: Oct 15, 2011
    Posts: 1,474

    from 4077th

    I immediately thought of Mike Dunn in Funny Car Summer.

  21. Firefly
    Joined: Sep 15, 2005
    Posts: 377


    Awwwww heck, she didn't get ya with the ole ..... 'have another cookie' trick just before the race did she?
    hotrodladycrusr likes this.
  22. brokenspoke
    Joined: Jul 26, 2005
    Posts: 2,874


    It didn't happen with out pictures to prove it
  23. I haven't been keeping up with the forum very good lately. As I drove the Plymouth thru the Holiday Inn parking lot Friday night I didn't see either of Denise's cars, and wondered if she was attending this year. Well.....Dick's story answered that question. The remaining question is......did she bring cookies, as usual? lol
  24. There were no cookies this year either.
  25. Malcolm
    Joined: Feb 9, 2006
    Posts: 7,506

    from Nebraska

    Good to see you over the weekend, as always, Dick!!

  26. Where are the darn pictures?

    The mental picture is insanely funny but the real life photo would be priceless! :D HRP
  27. LAROKE
    Joined: Sep 5, 2007
    Posts: 1,536


    With all those ass waxings, you probably have a hard time stayin' on the toilet seat.
    hotrodladycrusr, Zapato and bchrismer like this.
  28. Hey there "Road kill" DO NOT FEEL BAD hehe. I was hoping for more, but after a best time of 13:47 w/102mph, it's what I thought, gears, gears, gears, need some bad!!! We didn't get to talk, but the best part of this years drags was seeing alot of the die hards, wish more had made the it.
  29. billsat
    Joined: Aug 18, 2008
    Posts: 417


    I think she set you up from the start, as follows. Often when a vastly superior car races a much slower car, the faster car will red light because the driver gets a case of the yips as he sees the slower car leaving well ahead of him. Assuming you were being a gentleman and giving her a few lengths on her bicycle I think you can safely assume that she was trying to coax a red light out of you. Then you would REALLY have been talked about. Food for thought. You just can't trust women - look what happened to Adam.
  30. AHHH YAAA, but Denise is cool, she wouldn't pick on us simple little guys!!!

    Would ya Denise?????????????? Hehe, you old timer you! My son still has that crush at 17. You probably don't even remember, "the gal in the convertable"
    Last edited: Aug 19, 2014
    hotrodladycrusr likes this.

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