How do you keep your heart in it.....

cfnutcase, you've already done the toughest thing: you've acknowledged that there's a problem (or more). There's a lot of good advice here. I hope that you'll be able to talk things out with someone who can provide good counsel. Here's something else to consider: what do you think your friend would like you to be doing in this situation? There's a pretty good chance that, after your grieving for a while, he'd want you to become the best that you can be. Yes, you'll miss him but that's just the way things are some times. After a while, it will be time to keep him in your heart but move on with your life doing what you enjoy.

 

cfnutcase, I bet if you could talk with your friend, he'd be happy to know you finished that merc in his honor. Leave it alone for now. Then you may find a purpose you never knew before. Just give it time. 123 is correct that you admit things are tough, and that is the first big step. Seeking professional help is wise, but realize there is no magic wand. I raised my daughter as a single Dad because her Mother took her life. I learned the true meaning of grief, and you know it also. It's a hard and lonely road, but you don't have to walk it by yourself. Call a suicide hot line. Do it now. It is not only for people that want to end their lives. You will find a network of survivors, and these are the folks that can truly understand what you are feeling. Trust me on this.

 

Here are two numbers for you. 417 336-2214 and 335-2273. Be prepared that the first question you may receive is "Are you contemplating suicide". Just let the counselor know that you are having some tough feelings about your buddy, and you will get pointed in the right direction. Immediately you will be amazed at how large the community is that shares this tragedy. You are not alone, Brother.

 

There is no shame in asking for help, we ALL need help sometimes. When I was going through my divorce 14 years ago I hit about the lowest spot in my life, and I was like a caged animal. The company I worked for offered as part of our health insurance the ability to visit a physchologist 3 times for free, so I went. It did me a world of good and started the healing process. I am so glad I did it.

Find someone or some agency that you can talk to. Some people find help in religion, some don't.........that is a personal thing. As was mentioned, you have taken a very big first step and that took courage. You should be proud of yourself for doing that. As you can tell, you have a lot of friends on here who care and who want the best for you.

Please keep us posted on how it is going.

Don

 

There is a lot of good advice here, I can't tell my story here but I would say Jesus is the answer.

 

Keeps my sanity, 1st car and current driver was a 3yr build but this one is dragging on (6yrs+) and now that I am single, I have less $$ to throw at it, plus I have too much time and $$ invested to walk away from it.
Had a lot of things going on in my life, privately, at work and family. It would have been easier to throw the towel in but you just have to stay focused. There is light at the end of the tunnel and is getting closer, albeit not as fast we may want. Take some time out for you and sit back and enjoy the journey, learn from your experiences, good and bad. It does make you stronger in the end. I don't have any family apart from the kids (Young adults now) but do have a close group of friends who are there if needed.

 

Lots of good advice here. Id say dont be concered with the project right now. Talk to friends, family, anyone. If youre a church goin man, go talk to people at the church or the Pastor. Ask the Pastor to say a prayer in his sermon for your friend during the next service. Just remember, time heals wounds, its tough to bare the loss right now, but hang in there man, youll be glad you did. On a positive note, Im convinced your buddy is in heaven and is at peace with the Lord!

 

You have you, that's good & that's enough . Breathe, and understand the truth of it. Some folks have trouble doing that.
There's some great advice & warm hearted folks here.

 

One of the first things you need to understand is that life has many up's and downs, and the downs always seem much more than the up's. It is only natural to morn the loss of a close friend. Honor your friend, i'm sure your friend would want to see you finish your project, so don't give up on your passion. Do it for him. A lot of people tend to drink during the morning process, so if you are, please suspend it until things start to get better. Don't look at your projects and your life as large ones. View them as small, individual ones. Accomplish them one at a time. Life, finances, family, etc. will always get in the way. It is only natural, but remember that there is nothing sweeter than triumph over adversity. If you think you need a change of scenery, do it. The economy is tough right now and a lot of people feel stuck, but sometimes you have to cut your losses and move on. Your sanity is more important. Opportunity is still out there if you are willing to work hard. It is important to wake up everyday with something to look forward to. You have it, one-day seeing your car completed! Don't be afraid to talk with friends, family, church members, and healthcare professionals about your situation. You'd be suprised how many of them have "been there, done that". As I think someone has mentioned before, you might want to do some volunteer work. It will give you some degree of accomplishment and purpose in life. And, try new things, you never know what opportunities will open up.

 

I worked closely with mental health workers for years myself.

CFNutcase,
This is where I am supposed to tell you to get over it. You probably won't I am afraid.

I lost my little brother 2 years ago this month, actually he was my foster brother and blood brother. I have had two really close friends in my lifetime I am married to one of them and the other is my little brother. You really don't get over it you just learn to live with it.

I am going to give you my best advice. Take a break, go fishing, get on a bad one, whatever taking a break is for you, but take a break. In a bit you will decide that life is not over yet. You are still on this side of the grass.

In a while you will be ready to go back to it.

 

cfnutcase!! Remember You are already one tough nut(Your sperm beat out millions of other sperm to become who you are) Take a breath,take advice,talk to someone-This is your life a one in a million shot!! Pete

 

I lost my only son last year on Fathers Day, to suicide.(rest in peace Left Turn)There is a lot of good advise here,a lot of caring people.I miss him so badly. I have professional help,go to group meetings and have a net work of a few very good friends, along with a new understanding of my faith in God.Some times I still take life 15 min at a time....it's all you can do.Your life will be forever different now. Be good to your self take the time to grieve you need to.It takes time alot of it. It will get better I know thats hard to see.You will never forget your friend.Think of it this way---When you were young you had a rock tumbler, you put a sharp jagged rock in it with some media and turned it for a long time. in the end you had the same rock only now it was smooth a shiny. the rock is your memories, the media is the people and god that hlep you during this time, the polished smooth rock are your same memories after time.You will make it through this!Don't be afraid to ask for help, crying is not a weekness. you can always PM me.God be with you you are in my thoughts and prayers take care brother 6bt

 

This is the only poem I learned in high school (1961) that may help you carry on also.

Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley
1849-1902

 

God bless you, Jim. Here for ya, pal. PM sent...hit me back. - Rick

 

Jim,

Thanks for stepping up to the mike, and announcing what's true. That's always been a way to catch a shit storm from others. I like some of the comments. Others have never been where your at, so they don't know what to say or do. My guess is that most of us, are afraid and clueless, UNTIL, we know what the "problem" actually is, that were facing. Than, the "passion" to fix, (that we all share), can be used.

That said, I'm confidant in your ability to deal with your life sort of crashing right now. You want to know why? Because you, my friend, turned outward, you had the ball's to open up, share the darker inside feeling's that any American male would've watched his testicles shrivel all up, and his gut's turn to water, if HE felt the same way, and didn't know why or what to do, that's why! You SIR, are brave, I'm glad, I happened across your post, and I thank you for your sharing with me.

Now, I've got exactly the same sort's of upside down feeling's, concerning my dreams, the 54 Chevy, (the dreams are about), the place,(so small and narrow as to make my claustrophobia kick in), the lack of money, (never really enough is there?),all the same pressures working away inside me.

Fortunately, I'm in 12 step programs to allow me to meet with others any time I want, maybe put a dollar into the hat being passed around, (maybe not if it's the end of the month), who face feelings just like mine and want to feel free to enjoy life again, and are willing to do whatever is necessary to achieve that.

There's a solution, it's going to take the time that it take's, and letting yourself NOT feel like going and staring at the car and garage and then feeling GUILT, ... is the first step toward helping yourself. It's a good feeling, to not try and force yourself to do what you really DON'T WANT to do.

Any way I can help, you just need to contact me, I'll be real with you, like you were with us.

 

I have been there, live there. Had it all and lost it. Started over and re built. The cars come and go. Take care of yourself first. Everthing else will come

 

Jim,I get mood swings and it drives me(and my family) crazy.....I can understand you getting blue, been there several times....you know what you need to do but it does not make a difference, you just can't be arsed to .I am on an "up" at the moment after getting a negative result on a cancer scare.....that makes you focus your mind and makes you appreciate what's really important, I mean REALLY important,The news about your buddy is sad, but you are not going to bring him back.....if there was foul play, leave it to the police, but don' t let it spoil your life......you get one shot in a trillion years,it's not a rehearsal and there is no rewind or delete.....put things in order and sort each one at a time, don't try and make sense of the jumbled up mess of several problems.

take it easy and focus what's important......there is ALWAYS someone who would swap places with you in an instant.

 

I agree......

I have GONE a very LONG TIME (years) P.O.-ed at God.... like has He gone deaf or what????

Like my name is John NOT Job!!!!

I the midst of my "it can't get any worse" time my best friend (Mike)

committed suicide. It was the Friday before Labor Day almost 4 years ago.

My wife (Gina) and I were going grocery shopping & we bumped into Mike & his wife as we were going into store. We chatted for awhile & said we would hook-up after the Labor Day weekend. He was going to paint his '69 SS 427 Impala. A car he had owned since it was brand new. I said I'd come over & pull the air hose around for him.

Doesn't sound like a guy who was going to get up the next morning, eat breakfast, go to the bedroom and shoot himself. BUT HE DID!!!!

His widow shut out the world after his death. NONE of his friends were allowed/invited to his home/garage for any "closure". Even me!!! After a few months I left messages but never got an answer.

To make a LONG STORY shorter I was able to accidentally become acquainted with a hot rodder who somehow was able to buy some of the MANY things Mike had collected over the years.

We did some "wheeling & dealing and I was able to end up with a SBC short block (010) that used to be Mike's.

Right now the 350 is on an engine stand in my workshop mocked-up with a two-fours on top of it (a cross ram) ..... a very special piece of "garage art".

One day I hope to build it "right" ..... a maxed-out street/strip engine..... Just the way Mike would have done it.

Mike's short block:

 

I went and talked to a Dr. but it seems they dont really want to talk to you, they just want to shove pills down your throat....dosent really seem like a solution to me. I did go over to the shop and do a little sanding and tinkering...kinda made me feel a little better for a bit...Thanks for all the advice and kind words everyone, I am really touched that so many of you have taken so much time to reply to me. Loosing Lee is not the big problem with me right now, I was pretty much in this shape when that happened, that was just the breaking point for me I think, there are just so many things and they have all been piling up on me for along time...I cant really focus on any one main problem, its just everything in my life seems to be out of balance for me..I have gotten PM's from several of you, and I think talking to you guys might do me more good than the Dr. did me, he just seemed to want to give me pills, didnt care about anything else.. Thanks for listening, Jim

 

a medical doctor probably isn't who you should be talking to, they will definitely just try and prescribe the problem away.

 

Jim, First let me say I am sorry for the loss of your friend. Myself am not a "social butterfly", I have less than a handful of people I call friends... so to me a true friend is worth his weight in gold.

I have been down the depression road... first a divorce... then a son in a severe car crash... then a son shot by a sniper in Iraq (healed and finished his tour)... several close family deaths... I am also 48 and find myself reflecting on my life and future daily... I am also the care-giver for my 88 year old mom.

After my son crashed his Senior year (made a full recovery) I was right in the middle of a huge project. I shut down. Spent three days and nights in bed, talked to no one. I felt trapt somehow, no ambition, no nothing - just turned myself off. My wife convinced me to see a counselor. Which I did. What a waste of time. She hardly interacted with me and I left her office feeling worse if anything.

Then I called a Child Psychiatrist that had helped us with our sons in grade school with ADHD and depression they had from my divorce. I asked if he considered seeing adult patients, he said he had many. So I went. Best damn thing I could've done. He got my head straight, put me on some medications with no pressure and my life turned around. Some Wellbutrin and interacting with someone knowlegeable, caring and coming from my level is what worked and still works for me.

I see my "shrink" about once or twice a year for a mental tune-up and to air out thoughts, concerns and life altering questions. Keeps my mind clear, focused and in check.

Your heart will not be into that Merc until your head is in tune.

Right now you are suffering and hurting, and right now you are doing the BEST thing by asking for help.

Next step is find that right person to ask for help from. I work in the medical field, I can tell you that about only 1 out of 5 doctors are worth their advice and diagnosis (in my opinion). Like me, my first counselor visit was a joke... the next one probably saved my life.

Once you find the professional that can help with your depression and loss, you need to find others who can support you emotionally. This may be a neighbor, a friend, co-worker... even a support group. I am luckly that I have a couple nieghbors that are close friends. We confide in one another and support each other and we know when something is wrong with the other. This is a big deal for me. I am also lucky that two of my three sons live close by. One is 28 the other 27. I can also reach out to them when I need to.

By the way. Once I got my head back into the game I finished my project using it as a mental vacation and a place to escape to... a Sci Fi Themed Dedicated Home Theater. The theater then was featured in the KC Star newspaper, magazines and HGTV. I enjoyed that project so much I started my own business designing and installing home theaters, media rooms, home automation, etc. Thats was over 10 years ago - Today I love my business and it is thriving!

Had it not been for the ability to address my depression and then the opportunity to turn my life around I wouldn't be where I am today.

Trust me, once you get your head straight your heart will follow!

Let me contact my "shrink" in Overland Park, KS and see if he can recommend a fellow colleage in your neck of the woods. I will send you a email when I hear back from him.

Keep us posted, bro! I have a brother that lives in Table Rock near you... once I get my Merc finished I'll be sure to hook up with you and check on you and your Merc!

Brother, feel free to email or PM me any time, day or night.

Darren

 

I can really relate to you Jim I think most of us do. Sorry for lost of your friend, this place is good therapy for guys like us. Hang in there bro. Pills dont help.

 

Hang in there. It will get better, but it does take time.
There are lots of people on here pulling for you.

 

Hey everyone, well here is how things are as of now, my mood is not that much better, I have my good days and my bad days, but I have found that my safe zone is here on the HAMB. I recieved a bunch of PM's from guys on here that are as bad as me or worse, some of them MUCH worse. Times are hard for all of us, I did not know just how bad things were for some of you, ow I feel like an ass for feeling the way I do over the stuff I am having a hard time with, however I am so glad I did post this as it seems to have brought a few of you forward with your issues. So anyone that is feeling down as I have been just drop me a line, if nothing else we can talk to each other, I know it has helped me out alot. Ryan, I dont know if you realize it or not but you have really created a "family" for some of us that are in desperate need right now, I have been looking to God and the HAMB, between those 2 I have been doing a bit better. With this said, I have not been thinking "those" thoughts lately. Jim

 

Hey, Jim. Thanks for posting updates. I hope that you'll continue letting us know how you're doing.

 

"I have been looking to God and the Hamb."

Whoa...that says somethin'.

Hi Jim!

 

Hi Jim,there are a lot of very carring souls here and most as have i, walked this road. Time will heal along with the understanding of what and how this happened. If you dont feel like working on your car, tidy all the bits up and spend time looking at or just tinker with it if you like. You need to deal with this tragity and all the other great things you have will be be waiting for you. Dont take this all on your own and you have very carring friends here. All the best and take care Jim, JW

 

I got a PM from a fellow HAMBer earlier who is having a bad day, I sent a few words that i hope helped. Maybe more of us could do the same or atleast keep him in your thoughts...stay strong friend.

 

I just try to focus on the job at hand. I have never been overwhelmed with a project and almost all of mine are complete tear downs and builds. If you need to take a break a few weeks and you will come back refreshed.

 

Hey brother we are all here for you. Don't give up. Take some time away. When you get a chance go for a drive. Count you blessing. Hug your family. Depression sucks. I fight with it every day. do what sumfuncomet said and go talk to a professional.

A few years ago the depression witch visited me. she got a real good chunk out of me. 5 deaths in 6 months 2 of them were my grandparents of which i was close. 1 was a suicide. found out during this time my girl of the time was messing round on me. lost my job and became homeless. After MUCH self medication (drugs/alcohol) lots of self abuse, VERY self destructive living. A light went on in my head. Brian, its time to get some help. I saw a therapist for awhile took some anti depression drugs and took it one day, nay one second at a time until I was able to get a better handle on things. It took me a few years to get out of that hit. When I came to I had landed in a new town with a new and wonderful life. I'm not sure what I'm realy heading to as a conclusion. just hold on buddy. we are here for you. What ever you need! Just say it. Oh btw, im only 31