Prayer Request - wife dropped a bomb on me

That's the thing. Marriage IS for life.

She sounds like she wants to dissolve the marriage. One has to ask WHY?

Why does a person just up and dissolve a marriage? So they can be with someone else.

If you think, or even have a gut feeling that she is running around on you, that's because she is.

I've seen it a lot. It's always the same.

If you cherish your marriage, you have to convince her that she is making a mistake and you also have to convince her to tell you the whole truth.

If you don't want to do that, then cover your ass and get a divorce. Don't go the "win her back" route. You've already lost once you go down that path.

Good luck. Don't do anything rash. You got two kids to think about.

 

Yeah...what he said! In spite of being heartbroken...cover your ass.

 

Ab,a woman screwing over a good man is not news it happens every day.Cheer up, your life is about to get much better if you let it.Cover you ass legally and smile. Everything will work out it always does. Will be praying for your whole family.

 

EXACTLY.

Cover your ass to the point that you delete this post also.

If she's "planning", & has any sense at all, she'll snoop around here just to see what you've been up to recently.

You've received a lot of good info here. If she sees it she'll know much of what should be your game plan.

Seriously, delete this post.

Good luck, JH

 

Like some of the other guys said, get in the bible and start reading not necessarily about marriage but about the reasons he rode the cross for us. Believe it... receive it!!!

 

Get a lawyer today, if not for you, for the kids.

 

Oh yeah,
also, if she is running around on you, NOTHING will make sense to you. That's because you don't know the whole story while she does.


She will try and make you out to be the bad guy. NOTHING you do will be right.

This is because she is making excuses for her behaviour. She may not even be conciously aware that she is doing this.

She will destroy the marriage and wreck YOUR life just so she does not have to fess up to what she is doing. Just so she does not have to admit her wrong doings. Nobody likes to admit they are doing something evil. A person's mind will perform all sorts of tricks to keep from admitting that to themselves.

Keep this stuff in mind.

You are in dangerous waters.

 

This advice may seem strange coming from another woman. But some wives' "girlfriends" take great joy in breaking up others'marriages . I'd try to keep that from happening however possible. As to you moving, do you have a spare room or basement that you could move into? That would serve two purposes....keeping the children's lives (most important!) as normal as possible and helping protect your assets. If you and your wife belong to a church, I highly recommend counceling from the pastor rather than a psychologist. Ministers tend to remain more neutral toward both parties that a P-shrink.

Lastly, if you truly want to remain married, I'd look within myself to see where I was scewing up and fix it! I'd also do my best to patch old wounds. You can't repair your wife, but you can take care of your own business. Even if the worse case scenerio happens and you two do divorce, you'll know that you tried your hardest.

I'll be praying for you..

Jan

 

Prayers sent from all of us in N.C.
God Speed.....

 

STAY IN THE HOUSE, GO TO COUNSELING. (If she won't go with you, go without her - you need a professional opinion as to what are legit complaints and what is unresonable, and a friend/bible/HAMB can't do that for you.)
I'm not saying that counseling will automatically save your marriage, but it will certainly help.

 

I've been down that road to hell.

I'm not that familiar with Kansas divorce, custody, and child support laws, but PM me -- if I can offer some guidance, I will.

 

I am a parent of twins, and I have to say that it is very difficult when they are small, with all the work and stress, to not take it out on your spouse. I'm sure you know that. Your wife may just be stressed and unhappy in general and you are the lucky recipient of that. I hope you can talk to her and help her understand that you are on the same "team", and it's hard for both of you. Your twins are at the point where they are about to get a lot easier to deal with, and will eventually self-entertain each other.

Also, not that I am doctor phil, but I'd be willing to bet she has begun to resent you being at home while she is at work, even though you can't really help losing a job.

I think you should discretely talk to a lawyer just to see where you stand. I wouldn't move out unless I absolutely had to (as in po po taking me out) -- your kids rely on you and probably think of you to a large extent as mom as you are with them so much.

Good luck

 

And--minister for counseling is a good idea; a minister will likely have a stake in preservation and be less likely to join one side. But keep the worst-case contingency in mind, keep it hidden, and use what you know to avoid saying or doing anything that will leave you out in the cold of lawyers start happening.
Acting in good faith to preserve while staying aware of the consequences of the whole thing going legal is a balancing act, but I believe it can be done.
The consequence of failure is 20 years living in a rented basement while wife enjoys home, kids, money, your car, and your dog. One of the best observations above is that she is the only one knowing the full set of facts and the real agenda, and you must be ready if nothing is as it is presented to you...

 

Lot of guys suggesting counceling.

Councelling won't do shit if she's lying to you.

A friend of mine just went through this. Went to a councelor and everything. Do you think his woman sat there in front of the councelor and said, "I'm cheating on my man and thats where our problems stem from"?

Nope.

She just sat there and lied her ass off and continued fucking with him and wrecking the marriage. Meanwhile his head is spinning like the kid in Excorcist trying to figure out what he's done wrong.

If she won't tell the truth, NOTHING will work.

If something doesn't make sense, then there is a lie present. It's as simple as that.

Lies wreck marriages. If you are lying, stop now. If she is lying, until she stops, the marriage has no chance of survival (which could be exactly what she is driving at).

I'm going to stop replying now.

I'm getting all worked up. This is a topic I feel very strongly about and I hate to see anyone go through this.

My heart goes out to you and your family right now.

 

I'm there too guy . . . . found out suspicious things and confronted my wife on things . . . now we have two residences as of last weekend she moved into hers for time/space thing. It bites . . . hard. A good book to read is "When the One You Love Wants To Leave" . . . did me a world of good. Prayer and faith is very important at this time . . . take it from me. PM me if you need someone to talk to. . . . I'm in KC also.

BTW: I got some steel yesterday and some plastic today . . . I'm going to do some projects to get my head together. I'm going to learn some freakin' metal working somehow or another.

 

DO IT.
Then do some snooping of your own, if you find nothing GREAT. I found stuff, it sucked, but knowledge is power, and if you dont know
all the rules and all the players you will lose.

 

Dude that sucks and I hope things work out.
First are you the type of person to lose your temper?? If so go see an anger counsler, it will go a long way to making you look good. If not and you catch her screwing around do not I repeat do not get into a altercation with the other guy it will give her a witness as to your temperment She can pull that old I am scared as to what he can do to me thing and try and get a restraining order.
It has been mentioned earlier get yourself a good lawyer before she does but keep it quiet. Expensive solutions? Of course but you have to cover your ass if things get ugly. Which is quite likely.
Dawg

 

I emphathize with you completely man. Just went through the big D. Others advice here is good. Im in KC KS, whoever files 1st, gets custody until it's final. The sheriff will excort you out if your not 1st. Stay in the house is a must.

Also, Kansas is a "no fault" state so the spouse can cheat with everyone & that has no effect on the divorce. It's a no fault state, so it's deemed it wasn't working & split assetts down the middle. Check about that for Mo.

Usually the girls win, but ....times have changed & men are given more opt's than used to be. I'm 33 & got sole custody of both children, so it's possible. Just stay away from trouble during the process.

It's very hard & my prayer are with you. It does get better though. Took a while, but at 33 yrs old, I landed a 24yr old hottie & am very happy with how things are working out. Keep your chin up man.

 

Screw that!

I don't understand anyone who would tolerate such soul-crushing bullshit. The world is populated with over 6 billion people. Find a new friend.

And get your dirty laundry off the Internet for gosh-sakes. Seeking council from your Internet car buddies is a bad idea.

 

I'm probably the LAST person that should be giving marital advice but before I do I have a couple of questions:

You didn't state how old you both are or how long you've been married but I'm guessing probably around 3-5 years. You say you have been out of work for about a year and take care of the twins during the day.Do you think your wife feels as if she has ALL the responsibility in the marriage?

What type of work does your wife do?

OK based on what I went through in my first marriage(which lasted about 18 years too long)I came to the conclusion that:I did not know why I got married in the first place. I spent WAY too much time away from the house working. I did NOT cheat on my wife although the opportunity presented itself several times. I too believed a marriage was a life long commitment. We split up twice for several months and it did not solve a thing.My wife did go out with other people while we were split;I did not. I drank a lot which also solved nothing except lighten my wallet considerably and hurtured my addiction to aspirin as a breakfast food.

Counciling I think has very limited success(my personal opinion only). I truly believe that in order for a marriage to succeed,BOTH parties have to REALLY want it to. In order to do this,you must be HONEST (sometimes brutally) with each other. This may sound like a no-brainer but one of the most important things that contributed to the downfall of my first marriage and the resounding success of my second was the fact that in the former,when we argued it usually degenerated into saying things that REALLY hurt one another and had NOTHING to do with the discussion.My wife and I now even though we occasionally disagree would NEVER say anything to intentionally hurt one another.The big thing is when you sit down to talk it is vitally important that you actually LISTEN to what the other is saying and not just waiting til they are done so you can spout your ideas.You would be amazed how well that works!

Another bit of advice is DON'T UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES get other members of the family to try and take sides.If they try to get involved tell them to butt out. Trust me on this one.

When you do sit down to talk,get someone to baby sit for awhile and go somewhere that is conducive to talking.NOT a restaurant but somewhere just the two of you.It helps to minimize the distractions.Be honest and tell her exactly how you feel.

I truly hope that it works out for you.
Ray

 

Dude I hear ya, about two weeks ago the same bomb was dropped in my home....I didn't move out and we started talking like we haven't talked in a long time. She was sick of me and didn't love me anymore.... well I asked what did she love about me at first , and she told me and I asked have I changed, she said no other then my physical appearance of gaining 50 lbs ( which I'm working on now ) but she said she was exhausted and feeling overwhelmed . We are now working on those feelings, by me helping more around the house (hired a house keeper) and just giving her more attention.
Today is are 12 year anniversary and this morning she kissed me and told me she loved me I hadn't heard that in like 2 years oh ya she also said thanks ...I assume that's for not giving up and showing her shes worth fighting for!

So please don't give up its worth fighting for ...but it neeeds to start with comunication

 

I got bounced out of my house 30 years ago for gettin drunk and puttin on a tirade for much the same kind of deal. She put a restraining order on my ass Then moved her boyfriend into my house and I couldn't do a damn thing.

DON'T MOVE OUT!!!

GET A LAWYER.

Don't get snot slingin' drunk and come around and make things a whole lot worse.

Don't get into a big-ass fight because if she calls the cops you will lose.

Until it either resolves or ends DON'T TRUST ANYTHING SHE SAYS.

I'm not much on religion but what is that saying "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" or something like that. Biggest thing you can do is STAY COOL. Good liuck!

 

Thanks for the support guys. I really appreciate it.

We were married in late '01, and had been together since mid/late '99. The girls were born 3/05. I lost my job originally 3/04 and was out of work for 6 months, then the company came back and re-hired me, and I worked there until I was laid off 2/06. I've looked for work (night and weekend, as daycare is expensive), but haven't found it, and a unemployment ran out in August and I haven't found a job.

She feels like she does everything around here, and supports everybody, and like she's more my mom than my wife. Granted, I've been down and felt like I was the biggest POS in the world, and my aggravation rolled downhill a little bit, making things hard... hard enough that she said she dreaded coming home from work and having to deal with my attitude.

She got an email about a month ago from an Ex of hers from high school that, even though he beat the shit out of her, was the love of her life (she instigated it, according to her). The email was part of the dude's therapy, and it was begging for forgiveness, and he got our info because by some sort of freak happening, he was the rep on the phone one day when I called up the local cable company because the lines were down.

Wanting closure, she emailed him back (against my advice) and they emailed back and forth a few times. From what I've gleaned (and have been told), they met after work for coffee once, and maybe there was a kiss involved as well as statements to the effect "I think you look good/I'd help you pay off your house" that were the trigger for her to think along the lines of "I haven't felt young in a while/I haven't felt attractive in a while/I haven't felt like I had a partner/support for a while... I've put up with this for too long". Now she occasionally chats it up with him on AIM and via email every once in a while, but she says this isn't about all of that - it's that I was a dick to her for a long time (she lumps every argument we ever had into one long marriage full of BS - things she said we made up for but she carried with her).

She also likes that this guy remembered her as she was before that F-150 hit her head-on about ten years ago, leaving her with one side of her body almost all metal, a limp, and disfiguring scars - indeed, she's the only one ever to have some of the operations she had to be able to walk or use her arm again. This summer she was diagnosed with MS.

She feels like she's been the "grown up" one all her life, and wants to do things for herself, live by herself, etc - to "be her", which is something that she can't do because she changed a lot of herself to make everybody happy.

You know I was a dick for a while, but damn, if these are the consequences, I can make it go away real quick.

We're talking things out, and have been perfectly honest with each other so far. I'm trying to get to be able to stay here, but I think I'll have to "run into obstacles" during my S-10 clutch swap (my car) in the garage, or something. The longer I'm here, the more of a chance I have of staying. She says I've been "schmoozy" the past few days, and that it's not "real" or "me", but I'm trying here.

Still... she has it in her head that we need to be apart somehow.

Tonight, we'll talk some more about it and finish sorting out where we are. We've made some progress over the past few days, but we'll see.

Once again, thanks for the prayers and advice guys. Keep 'em coming... I sure need 'em.

~Jason

 

Talk about off topic....sheesh.......e-mail Oprah about this crap!

 

You got it 1 Prayer is on the way!! good luck. They've worked for me, I'm convinced.!! Later (manacoem)