Art & Inspiration HAPPY FATHER'S DAY[car jokes}

Two Cadillac drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.
Within a few seconds they were in a fist-fight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

 

Guy drives his low rider Chevy to the parts store. He is looking for one of those Cadillac converters.

 

Knew twin brothers who drove their car like they stole it. Both were sure sure they were the better driver of the two. One day i went out for a drive with one of them. Every red traffic light we came up to he floored it through red. Then we finally came up to a green light and he hit the brakes for a mad stop. So i asked why in bloody hell did you slam on the brakes for green ? Fuck he says, good chance my brother is coming from the left and he allways floors it for red , don,t want to crash with him.

 

After being pulled over for speeding, Offender tells the Cop , I was driving the same speed as everyone else , Cop asks , " You ever go fishing ? , Offender says yes ?. Cop asks " did you catch all the fish ?"

 

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Low octane .

 

On a trip to America, Pope Francis lands in New York City and gets picked up by a white stretch limousine. "You know," the Pontiff says, "I hardly ever get to drive anymore. Any chance I could take the wheel?"

The driver hems and haws for a minute but he's supposed to see to the Pope's every want and need. "Yeah, ok," the driver says. "I can't really say no to the Pope."

The Pope pulls away from the curb and buries the gas pedal right to the floor mat. He's darting in and out of city traffic and drifting the limo around corners.

A motorcycle cop sees the limo coming and pulls it over. The driver's window slides silently into the door and the cop is standing face to face with the Pope. The officer walks to his bike and and calls the Chief.

The cop says "I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it's somebody REALLY important."

"Important like the mayor?" the Chief asks.

"Nope," the cop says. "More important than that."

"Important like the governor?" says the Chief.

"Way more important than that," says the cop.

"Like the president?" the Chief asks.

"Much more important."

"Well, who's more important than the president?" asks the Chief.

"I don't know," says the cop, "but the Pope is driving him."

 

My wife thought I might be buying her a sports car for her birthday, because I asked her if she would like something that went 0 to 150 in less than 5 seconds.

I bought her a bathroom scale.

 

Love my wife to death but in my situation I'd be hinting at something more like a top fuel dragster.

 

Thanks for making us laugh...

 

@Flathead Dave, thanks for the thread. A lot of laughs and it jump started my memory. BS sessions, hunting camp, etc., good times for sure.

 

X2

 

Ha, Ha, Ha!!!!!!!!!!

 

Trust me, car related...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the racoon it could be done...

 

My wife said she'd like to have sex in the backseat of the car . . . and she wanted me to drive.

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, ‘There’s water in the carburetor.’ I asked her, ‘Where’s the car?’ She said, ‘In a lake.’”

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Rodney

 

My pleasure. I like to laugh. I like people who can make me laugh.
Hopefully it helped others to laugh at our to serious lives.
My wife used to poke me in the ribs when I would laugh in church at an inane joke.
She's a bitch.

 

Back in the day when Nissan was just starting to think about importing their cars to the US they ran some focus groups and found that Americans were not very receptive to the name Nissan for a car. So the VP in charge of marketing suggested that they call a German auto maker and ask them for a name suggestion since German cars were well received in the US. So the call was made and the Nissan executives explained the problem to their German counter parts. The Germans replied that they could probably come up with a suggestion or two. They asked the Nissan Execs when they wanted an answer to which the reply was that they were hoping for suggestion right then. To which the Germans replied "Dat soon?"

 

A duck was on the shoulder thinking about crossing the road…..a chicken walked up and said, “don’t do it, you’ll never hear the end of it”

 

So Frick asked Frack, "Can you name 3 cars that start with P ?"
Frack thinks for a minute and answers, "I give up. All the ones I think of start with gas."

 

An older gentleman was having a hard time staying awake at church. Every time he nodded off his wife poked him with her umbrella. He was almost asleep again when the preacher asked the parishioners , “what did Eve say to Adam on their last day in paradise?”Startled by his wife’s umbrella the old man jumped up and said, “poke me with that damn thing again and I’ll break it in two.

 

I don't have a clue about the chicken but I know why the turtle crossed the road............
.......to get to the Shell Station.

 

A devout minister was driving home in his Ford station wagon when he picked up a hitch hiker with a fishing pole. After dropping him off the fisherman offered some of his catch for the ride. “Thank you, what type of fish are they?” “I have no idea, replied the man.” I call them dam fish because that is where I always catch them. The minister told his wife the story and she cooked them for supper. At the table the minister asked his son to pass him the dam fish. “All right dad” he laughed, Now pass me the fucking potatoes.

 

OK, one more...

I ran out of gas in Washington DC, right in front of the Capital Building. A cop comes up to me and says "You can't leave your car here, all the Congressmen will be coming out soon". I said "It's OK, I locked it up".

I'm done now

 

It,s a busy Friday night on a small British country lane and the local village pub has just closed and the patrons are driving home. The rabbits have nothing better to do than sit in the middle of the road , play chicken with the cars and make bets with each other , who runs and who stays put. So a new rabbit comes along for a look and asks whats going on. One of the smart arse rabbits says join in, it,s easy . Just duck down low and stay in the middle when you see two headlights coming. One head light is a motorbike , for those you can allways move a little to the right or left. So bets are made , two headlights come in view and the new guy races out and sits real low in the middle of the small country lane. SPLAT, blood and guts everywhere . Smart arse rabbit says to his mate, damn, have,nt seen one of those old Reliant Robins in years.

 

Old Aussie joke. What has 40 pistins and goes like stink.


Dunny truck. ( shitcan outhouse thunderbox haulage )

 

And a Ford model T outhouse thunderbox. Saved this pic a few years ago , posted right here on the h.a.m.b. by unknown member.

 

Cop pulls this couple over for speeding, walks up to the car and asks to see the man's license. Man says why? I didn't do nothin'. Cop says yeah you was speeding, i clocked you at 80 in a 45. Man says i don't give a rat's ass what you clocked, i wasn't speeding. Cop says sir i have it locked on my radar if you'd like to look for yourself. Man says no sir, you're wrong, i wasn't speeding, you can ask my wife! Cop looks over on the passenger side at the lady and asks ma'am, was your husband speeding? She looks at the cop and says, hell i don't know, i don't deal with him when he's drinking

 

A guy buys an old "ran when parked car" and had drained the gas into a bucket. It was a really hot day and his old dog come running from the field panting and hot.The dog takes several laps of gas out of the bucket, the guy thinks shit I guess I better take him to the vet, so he loads the dog up and away they go. He gets down the road and looks at his gas gauge almost on empty so he stops at a 7-11, the dog jumps out and runs around the gas pumps about 5 times full speed. Then he suddenly stops lays down and rolls over. The old man pumping gas next to them says dam is your dog ok? The guy says yeah I think he'll be fine he just ran out of gas!

 

What has two axles and flies?
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A garbage truck!

 

A cop stops a hippy...first thing out of the hippy's mouth, "you just stopped me because of the way I look and you think I'm driving stoned"! The cop says, "no sir, I stop every one I see driving on the sidewalk...out of the car please".