"Mechanical Genius" comments you've heard?

This thread is going to cost me my job, because I giggle every time I read it...makes it hard to hide the fact I'm goofing off at work.

I have a totally non-HAMB friendly car. 1987 Monte Carlo SS I've owned for years. I run a 383 stroker & Tremec TKO 5 speed. Took lots of parts mixing & matching to get the stick in it. 17" Cragar SS wheels, lowered a couple inches, blah blah blah...EVERY time I drive it I have at least one guy who wants to talk to me about his "friend" who "Had one just like it. Bought it right off the showroom floor." I usually just nod and say "yeah, I was lucky to find one with the right options".

 

That's funny!

I once was helping a tech from Texas who came up here to the great white north to set up an inserting machine at the newspaper I was working at. In his thick accent he asked me for a "Square Drive" screwdriver I looked puzzled and he said you know a 'SQUARE DRIVE" like saying it louder would help in that heavy drawl. I finally put it together "Oh, you mean a Robertson Screwdriver" - "No a FUCKIN SQUARE DRIVE".




Americans are so much fun some times . . .

 

Way back in the '80's, I had a few buddies that were building "Enduro" type dirt track cars, mainly out of mid '70's Camaros and Chevelles. One afternoon, my two mechanic friends were having an extremely difficult time loosening the ring gear bolts on an old GM 8.5" rear. After trying just about everything in the book, they were getting really frustrated. I walked up about this point and noticed that there was an "L" cast into the heads of the bolts. They had been really, really tightening that one bolt for about two hours. I suggested trying to twist the bolts the other way to see what would happen. Problem solved. They asked me how I knew. "Lucky guess".

 

Same guys who snap the studs off 60's Mopars

 

U Canadians are just too smart for us....

 

Takes a Canadian to look at something some fool 'Merican has designed (phillips) and think "Well hell, even I can do better than THAT!"

 

So how did this dopey dye-job start her car after class? She couldn't start it in the morning, but could later, then forgot again later. For months. Yeah right. I know bleach brains are stupid, but that's pushing it.

Some of these stories should be a story themselves.

 

It's not a hot rod, but I had a woman in NC ask what year my Mustang was. "'65" I says. She says, nice car, I had one just like it, only mine was a four door.

 

...

 

When I was wrenching, many many moons ago, a lady came in and explained that her car was making a funny noise, and that there was "a light on on the dash."

I went out to discover an 80s Monte Carlo with all 16 lifter chattering away. As you can guess, the "light" was the oil pressure light. I reached in, shut the engine off, popped the hood, and pulled the dipstick. Dry as a bone.

"Ma'am, your car is a good three or four quarts low on oil."

She said she didn't have any money on her, and wanted to know if she could drive it home to retrieve some cash. I explained that oil, "is kinda like blood, and trying to drive with no oil is like trying to get up and walk around the hospital with no blood." I went on to explain that her engine may already have serious damage, but that if it didn't, driving now would surely destroy it, and that would cost her around "two grand."

"Well, I said I didn't have any money on me, just what do you expect me to do about it?"

I told her it was a beautiful day, and as she said she only lived a mile or so away, she could always walk. "Or," I said, "you could get a cab."

She walked to the door of the car, and as she got in exclaimed, "I think you're just trying to sell me oil!"

"Yes, I am only trying to sell you oil--you're out of oil."

She drove off, got maybe a block. Next thing, she comes walking into the shop again.

"What's it mean when you have to keep pushing harder and harder on the gas pedal, and then the engine shuts off?"

Watching her car as it blocked the right turn lane, I answered, "Remember that two thousand dollars in damage I told you about?"

Screeeeeeeeeeech--Bang!

"It just became four."

"What? I thought you said it would only be two!" (as though I had just handed her a bill for twice the original estimate."

"Yes ma'am," I replied, "but that truck just ran right into the back of your car."

She replied... I'm not making this up... "Did not!"

I pointed and said, "sure did--and now you're going to ask me just what you should do about it. Call a tow truck, you car's screwed."

When i walked back into the shop, my helper was literally doubled over laughing, tears streaming down his face.

 

Nice guy you couldnt spare a quart of oil to help a lady out?
Well Iv got a similar story not so long ago a guy my brother knows worked at Minakee and an oriental lady just couldnt wait any longer she had to have her car now! mam I just drained the oil 10 more minutes and itll be done. couldnt wait. Im leaving now! Miss youre car will break if you leave now we cant let you go. Im calling the cops if you dont let me go. Ok well let you go if you sign all these papers saying its not our fault if your car breaks if we let you go. Fine im going. They push the car out so it doesnt seize up in their hands. 20 minutes later she comes back with a cop saying they broke her car. They show the cop the papers he says mam did you sign these papers. Yeah so what they ruined my car! Have a nice day mam.

 

sister in law was complaining about my car leaving oil spots on the drive at the parent inlaws house , my father in law knowing it wasn't my car as the motor was just rebuilt and sealed tight as a drum , pulled the dipstick out of her car and said " yep has to be his as there is no oil in yours " sure Stuff the stick on hers was dry as a bone , and the motor was prepping for a cold winter from all the cottonseed fluff stuck to it .

 

In the mid 90's I went to school with a 4 cyl mustang bored out to a V-8

 

In the mid 90's I went to school with a dumb ass who had a 4 cyl mustang bored out to a V-8

 

Ha, just this week I was asked to turn an old signal light into a flashing light for a bar decor at an outdoor party. I cleaned up the socket and soldered in a new lead, couldn't find a bulb or old flasher in my pile. Had to take the wife to the mall so I popped in Radio Shack. I tell the youngster I need a 12v bulb and a flasher unit. He laughs and says there is no such thing as a flasher. I asked what makes turn signals flash then? He says the switch does that.

I stopped at the auto parts store on the way home, bought a bulb and flasher. Later got to thinking maybe new cars actually don't have flashers..

 

Had to put a new set of tires on my OT '95 Saturn SL2 beater; made the mistake of going to Walmart as they had a sale. I specified 185-65 15's, and they argued that they couldn't put anything on besides what it originally came with because I didn't upgrade the brakes. Then they pulled out their book and showed me that my car never came with that tire size; the specifications they showed me were for a Saturn Aura. I decided it was too risky to let them install the tires, so I left.

 

My Sister in law and brother are not stupid, they have built a multi million dollar business from scratch. They are not
mechanical at all however. Many years ago I was between wives and had some things stored in their barn. Their lawn mower broke so she grabbed mine and mowed their 2 plus acres. The only problem was she adjusted the cutting height not realizing that the adjustment lever on the front wheels was opposite the rear. she would up with the front
very low so it would did in, so she dragged it backwards over 2 plus acres. Did I mention she can be stubborn? I almost passed out I laughed so hard.

 

About 10 years ago I was looking at a vehicle on EPay and in the description it said it had a 350 Chev with hrmi cut heads. I will admit that I don't know everything so I asked "What are hemi cut heads" he replies with a semi literate answer explaining what a hemi is and why it is better than a wedge head. I knew I had a big fish on the line so I asked about the hemi cutting process and how did the valve train work, how were the valve guides relocated, did it have two rocker shafts etc. He says"We got an old boy down here that does them all the time for the local racers

 

Here's an encounter I had with a DEALER:
My O/T DD developed a stumble. I took it back to the dealer. The service manager told me there may be a recall regarding the throttle body. If that be the case the $80 diagnostic scan fee would be waived.
When they called and said my car was done they said they did have to replace the TB on warranty but I owed them the $80 scan fee anyway because they found a "bad #6 spark plug" as shown on the diagnostic print out. Great.
My car has a four cylinder engine!
I wrote a letter to the manufacturer customer relations department, asking if their dealer "double dipped" us on the warranty scan fee, explaining my experience.
A week later I got a letter in the mail from the dealer apologizing for the "mix up" with a check to cover the scan fee and the spark plug.

 

HA! Got a good chuckle from that

 

Ooooh that's infuriating.
My dad's T modified has been called a rat rod countless times. Boy, do we get angry.
@rusty rocket

 

My favorite story so far! Funny

 

A guy I met insisted he had a Flathead Hemi. He also didn’t know the difference between horizontal and vertical.

 

I haven't read every one of these, so this might have been mentioned. I was working at a local gas station one Saturday and an older lady came in. She wanted the winter air out of her tires and the summer air in. I told her she didn't need to do that. She went on to tell me her son-in-law was a real mechanic, not a pump jockey and he knew what I didn't. I pulled her car in, put it on the rack, let all the air out and pumped the tires back up. When I got it outside, she gave me $2.00 for doing it. A couple hours later a guy comes pulling in, in a pretty nice '67 GTO. He asked if I was the one that changed the air in his mother-in-law's tires. I said yes, I tried to tell her she didn't need it done and offered the $2.00 back. He cracked up and told me he loved to play jokes on her and gave me two more bucks. I had a good lunch that day! Gene.

 

I took my OT daily into wal Mart for new tires once. I had aftermarket wheels on it and the little militant chick with a crew cut that ran the garage told me they couldn't do it because it wasn't the factory size. I went elsewhere. A few months later I needed new front tires on the corvette rallys I run on my v8 S1o. I took them off and loaded them into my '75 Ford half ton. I rolled them into the wal Mart service area and told them I needed two tires replaced. The same chick sneered and asked what I was putting them on. Hay wagon, I said. The look of defeat on her face was priceless.

 

Another one: a few years ago a gal had a car battery for sale on Facebook market place. In the ad she said it had 750 cranking amps and her husband only used it a couple of months so it had to have a couple hundred cranks left.

 

When I worked for Buick I had an apprentice. I had made a portable air tank from an empty r12 Freon tank. I told him to fill it up with 100 lbs of air and go out and fill up a tire on the next job. But be careful because the tank will be heavier. He fills up the tank and then clean jerks it off the floor so hard he hits himself in the forehead and splits it open and knocks himself out cold. When he got back from the hospital with 4 new stitches and a fresh concussion I was not allowed to have an apprentice any more.

 

are you sure its not naugii