"Mechanical Genius" comments you've heard?

I had so much fun reading the comments on the “What's the Most Absurd Claim you've heard at a Car Show” thread that I thought I’d start another similar one, because we've all been down this road too.
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I start with one that has been under my skin ever since this idiot laid it on me, and this guy is supposed to be an experienced mechanic. You decide.<O</O
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I&#8217;m having a discussion with another person ( a relative newbie) about an engine and trans swap in his car, and explaining that he will need a new driveshaft since his car never came with that combination. I tell him when he measures for his driveshaft to be sure and allow about ¾ to 1&#8221; of travel for his slip yoke to move in and out and accommodate suspension travel as the rear axle moves up and down and the driveshaft tends to move in and out of the transmission,(this is a leaf springed 60&#8217;s car). The &#8220;genius&#8221; that is also hearing this claims that &#8220;the driveshaft does no such thing!&#8221; He says, &#8220;Your claiming the driveshaft GROWS and moves around when you go over bumps and stuff, that&#8217;s just stupid. I&#8217;ve pulled a thousand of em and the ONLY REASON that slip yoke is there is so mechanics can pull the driveshaft out real easy&#8221; That driveshaft doesn&#8217;t go anywhere!&#8221;<O</O
So I tried to show him the driveshaft and slip yoke that was on a ½ ton Ford we were standing next to as an example of what I was talking about, and that there isn't a vehicle on the road without some form of a slip yoke in the drive train to allow for this movement.( I even drew it out on paper) He says, &#8220; That&#8217;s nuts, you&#8217;re trying to compare trucks and cars and everybody knows they are designed totally different.&#8221; I tried in vain to explain how it works and he just wasn&#8217;t havin any of it. I finally bit my tongue and told the younger guy I&#8217;d call him later.
Later, Phil<O</O
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some people just don't get it! I remember a couple years ago, the editor of rod and custom built a roadster and used a pick-up automatic trans. that had a yoke on the output shaft and he installed a solid drive shaft without a slip joint and found out when he first drove that doesn't work..you would think he should have known..

 

Hah! I've been waiting for this one. A few years ago, in none other than Street Rodder mag, Brian (or is is "Brain"?) Brennan wrote and article about exhaust systems. In it, he cautioned against using stainless because of it's high expansion rate (not true) he claimed that a full stainless exhaust grows 3-4" in length when it gets to operating temp. WTF??? Are there no proof-readers at that rag? I quit reading that magazine on that day and haven't picked one up since.

 

Back in High School a friend of mine bought a lowered 1970 Grand Prix.
One day he had me get something out of the trunk. After struggling to open the heavy deck lid I noticed that someone had removed the springs.
My buddy said that the previous owner figured that the deck lid would be heavier without them so he took them out to help lower the car.

 

When I had my Deuce 3 window people used to say "nice '34" to which I would respond "it's a '32" and then the argurments would begin. "32's don't have suicide doors", "yes they do.' This could go on for hours if I would let it. I would even show them the registration and they would tell me that it was a DMV error. That's when I adopted the philosophy, "Never argue with an idiot. They bring you down to their level and beat you with experience."

 

I know of a guy that worked for a large trucking company. One of the wheels came off of the big rig. He and his helper tried to push the wheel up the hill it had rolled down off the interstate. After much struggle and no success, the helper finally had the brilliant idea to let the air out of the tire, because after all, there was 75 lbs. of air weighing it down.

 

Sorry he was wrong there is 105 lbs of air holding it down.

 

I had a know-it-all claim that he had an IROC Z that had a removable blower. He said that his had little levers on it that you could turn and the whole thing would pop off. In his words, "I can take it off and bring it inside at night so no one steals it." I tried to wrap my head around this one, but no luck. I'm still wondering how he engineered that.

 

thats as bad as the old guy i went to do a tire change on and he asked me to put warm air in the tire because he didnt want the cold winter air in it cause of moisture

 

That proves Einstein's theory of relativity.

 

I had an arguement just the other day with a local ministry of transport inspector who kept telling me a Beaumont was in fact a Chevrolet not a Pontiac....

 

Back in the "70s a guy told me I would have better flow from the gas tank to the carb if I jacked the back end up and put on some big tires . His car got a least 20 more HP and a 2 second better time on the 1/4 mile after doing his "65 Bel Air.

 

I think Brennan is on Crack!!!!

 

Guy lookin' at a Ford truck asks "what engine does it have?"
Genius seller replies "351 modified TO A 400"

 

I get that down here, Hay, my Dad had one just like that, his was a 64 Ford but it wasn't green. Yea well this is a 29 Ford. Yea and its just like Dad's only his wasn't green, Yep just like his. Used to ride in it with him. Ooo Kkkaaaaa

 

Piston rings spin in the bore, that's what the cross-hatch is for! Therefore there is no need to put the end gaps in any particular place.

A guy when they didn't have the gasket set he needed for an International 390in. motor; "Just give me one for a Ford, it's the same motor!"

 

Just thought of one when I was a kid, A guy was having problems with using oil and I said it needed a new set of rings, his friend said (man your crazy, You see how much oil pressure it has) cant be rings. He later went on to Avation Mechanics, I hope he learned something. Ice man

 

Back in High School I was busting tires at the local shop. Soccer mom comes in for 4 new tires. After talking to the salesman and buying the tires she pulls her minivan into the shop for me to mount them. She gets out of the car, walks over to me and says "I want all four tires mounted, balenced and rotated!"

 

I had I guy I worked with tried to tell me that he once put a Chevy Luv pickup on a Chevette frame with a Ford 302 v8. I thought WOW! this guy must be a real "GENIUS". I started asking him questions I knew he could not answer. He was soo full of shit. He said the only problem he had was getting the engine to run right. The problem he said was that had the intake was on backwards with the distributor in the back, and swore that it ran that way. That was his story and he was sticking to it. That's the best I have ever heard in person.

 

cleaning my valves from that black crap to high shine, a guy ask me: why did you polish your valves,they are "inside" the motor, you can`t see them any more...

 

back in 77 out at dresser wisconsin a guy had a ford pickup with home made tube bumpers welded shut and a schrader valve to fill them with air he had 200 lbs of AIR IN THEM , "FOR EXTRA WEIGHT"

we quickly moved away because it was kind of unsafe, we had a course offical make him take the core out ,so they would not explode

 

I’ve got two great ones from a girl I dated back in high school, she wasn’t a know it all just a dump blond<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
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her brakes were squeaking so I told he to buy new brakes and I would put them on,,, than she looked down at the pedals and says can I get the race car looking ones.......... she thought her brakes were her pedals and she needed to replace her brake pedal. <o></o>
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The same chick took her car to Wal-Mart to get the oil changed and they didn’t put any oil back in it,, she made it to my house and Wal-Mart called and told her to bring it back cuz they forgot to fill it with oil. when I told her that I’m surprised it still ran and she should have them replace the motor she said if it gives her any problems she will just buy a new motor, I asked if she knew what her motor was and she said yes the black square thing that they sell at Wal-Mart with the red and black things sticking up and a handle on it.............. The battery. <o></o>

 

Yeah, I used to get that one about the engines bieng the SAME all the time when I worked at a parts store back in the 70's. AMC 390's were Fords, GM's various Buick, Chevy, Pont, Olds 350's would cause all kinds of confusion. Used to hear, "they're all the same pal".
And don't even get started on the Ford 351's...or Pontiac never made a 428, and on and on.

 

Trying (and failing) to explain to a "mechanic" that when the car is jacked up, torsion bar suspension will in fact allow the cars wheel to hang down in the arch, and make it relatively easy to lift up and down by hand, and that this is not a fault.

 

It's all ball bearing and 80 weight oil these days.............Chevy Chase in Fletch Lives

 

A guy I knew from school, while we were tearing down the engine in his Chevy pickup... "Those grooves in the crank are supposed to be there. They aid in oiling the bearings. When you see grooves running lengthwise... that's when you have a problem."

I suppose he was correct...

He also told me that "Cranks with blue journals are highly sought after for their 'exceptionally deep' heat treating."

I really wish he was being sarcastic with these comments... but he was serious as a heart attack, and trying to 'teach' me.

 

My 89 Ford Ranger 4x4 failed smog when it was about 4 years old.

The Ford service manager told me it failed cuz it was running too lean....

 

I used to work with a guy that had a Hodaka(spelling?) dirt bike. He had really souped it up. He put in a high lift cam, bigger valves and a 4 barrel carb. I know that sucker ran good with all those speed goodies in it. He also pulled up to a card game we were having one night on his buddies Triumph. He shut it down and came in and played cards for a couple of hours and then left. About 45 minutes later he came back in all out of breath and says I can't get that damned thing started. So I went out and looked, turned the key on and kicked it once and it fired right off. He was a true genius.
Later,
Dick

 

A guy at a car show called his buddy over to see my flathead engine saying; "Look, there's a Hemi in this one!"

At another car show a kid pointed to the small fire extinguisher I have mounted on the trans tunnel in our roadster and told his buddy; "Look where this guy has his nitrous bottle."

 

I thought Hodakas were 2-strokes. But the 4 bbl, valves and cam install WOULD point to true genius.