Rules to live by when workin on your Rod

always store the heavy parts on the top shelf so they are out of your way. the one just above your car is best so you can look at them as you drive in!

 

When choozzing a camshaft bigger is always better!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

wheel chocks are for softcocks, nuthn wrong with that 15 buck jack or the wind up one out ya girlfriends compact...
bricks are great for holdin up a 2 ton ford too... older the brick the better..

oh, chicks dig scars......
cheers big ears

 

Everybody's probably seen this before: but I just couldn't resist posting


Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00
===================================================================
Oil Change instructions for Men :


1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.

2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes
Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

19) Remember drain plug from step 11.

20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

21 ) Drink beer.

22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.

24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing
any excess skin between knuckles and frame.

25) Begin cussing fit.

26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.

28) Beer.

29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

30) Beer.

31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

32) Beer.

33) Lower car from jack stands.

34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.

35) Beer.

36) Test drive car.

37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

38) Car gets impounded.

39) Call loving wife, make bail.

40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!

 

Try to schedule a best booger contest just after a day of grinding and welding.

 

You win!

 

always have your neighbor, that knows nothing about cars, over to make sure your doing it right.

 

There's a few steps missing in the oil change thing...

a) Ovetighten drain plug, strip out threads
b) Find correct size twig and jam into hole to get you to the auto parts store
c) Find out they are out of the oversized size you need
d) loose twig on the way home
e) Find out that the idiot light has a burnt out light bulb
f) Call AAA to tow your car home
g) Two years later, call the auto salvage place.

 

Use your bare hands to wipe away the metal shavings from the drill press

 

When doing a lot of welding be sure to sit on a plastic milk case and wear a raggy ass flannel shirt

 

I've never done any of these things, but I am enjoying your experiences.

 

This is freaking funny.
Here is one I do, when paitning smaller obejcts likle brackets and such make sure to try to pick em up and move em while the paint is wet so that when you are balancing it and carrying it to the workbench it will fall out of your hands, plus any pile of junk you just swept should be direclty under where you drop it.

 

Be sure to wake up early to tackle those risky wiring jobs while youre still drunk from the previous night.

 

Ha, Immediately after acquiring junk yard bumper be sure to rinse it off in your moms bathtub.

 

When drilling holes on painted metal do not use center punch.

 

No, I'll hold the chisel and you do the hammer...I'm the one that knows what needs chiseled.

 

1. if you are checking for gravity hold the wrench over the pan full of oil or your foot.

2. always, always, always work drunk. better decisions are made that way.

 

You can put out the fire burning in your tennis shoe, sock and pants cuff in the dogs water tub. That I have done. And the bottom third of a 55 gal plastic drum makes a fantastic dog water dish with other useful purposes when the need arises.

 

1.) Do not ever double check hood latches

2.) Engine running off gas can in passenger seat? Aint nothing wrong with that..

3.) When running worn out u-joints, be sure to show off that acceleration at car shows so that you blow that driveshaft right in front of everyone.

4.) No need for seat belts if your floor is too rusty to bolt a damn thing to.

5.) Right after painting headlight or taillight bezels, place them on to the light to see how they look but DO NOT bolt them back on. Then forget about putting them on, take the car for a quick test drive and run over your freshly painted bezels. In this scenario you also run the option of cursing a lot and running down the streets of your neighborhood searching to see if those glass lenses made it through the joyous test cruise.


damn I could go on for days, this is the story of my life.

 

When your grandson walks up holding a rattlecan of red paint and asks a question while you are talking on the cell phone, don't stop to listen to him. Just give him a little push on his shoulder and say, "OK, run along."

This will result in hilarious consequences. Don't ask me how I know.

 

Vise Grips are acceptable substitutes for a steering wheel...

 

always use ONLY water in the cooling system
a throttle cable that sticks is just fine if the bar isn't very far away
stomp on the gas-the noise should go away
FUK IT we'll make it home

 

When applying pressure to something, make sure all body parts are out of the way...combustibles will combust...two jackstands are better than one...that extra tightening effort will strip/break the bolt...Your wife will say "it smells like something is Burning"...There is nothing more expensive than a cheap, fill in the blanks..

 

And window cranks

 

This one really works. I worked in a parts store years ago with a guy that melted his ring doing just that. They were able to save his finger, but there's a groove around it where the ring was.

 

When all else fails..fuck reading the directions..break out the jack hammer and another beer!!!!

 

Always keep the garage so full of junk that every time you look for something you never find it till you,ve already bought it again and you find it looking for something else?

 

OK, now I'm in.

 

Don't forget....leave old filter O-ring in block, screw new filter and new O-ring on top of it, finish job, start up car and leave all fresh oil on ground....

 

These are great. I need more. We need to elect a king dumbass.