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Top ten shop tools

Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Delmo, Sep 3, 2010.

  1. Delmo
    Joined: Apr 16, 2004
    Posts: 235

    Delmo
    Member
    from Burbank

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat
    metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your soda across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained
    heirloom piece you were drying.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under
    the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and
    hard-earned guitar callouses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say,
    'Yeouw....'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
    holes until you die of old age, or for perforating something behind and beyond
    the original intended target object.

    SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
    blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
    touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. Caution: Avoid using for manicures.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built for frustration enhancement.
    It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
    more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
    future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
    heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
    conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable
    objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside
    the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

    WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
    motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
    1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
    after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
    firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 4X4: Used for levering an automobile upward
    off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known
    drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

    RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
    shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
    of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
    inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the
    handle.

    AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

    TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called
    a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, 'the sunshine vitamin,'
    which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its
    main purpose is to consume 40- watt light bulbs at about the same rate that
    105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the
    Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat
    misleading. The accessory socket within the base, has been permanently rendered
    useless, unless requiring a source of 117vac power to shock the mechanic
    senseless.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
    lids, opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your
    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw
    heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
    convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
    power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels
    by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact gun that grips rusty bolts which
    were last over tightened 40 years ago by someone at VW, and instantly rounds
    off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
    used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to
    the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
    cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on
    contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector
    magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially
    useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. It is also useful for
    removing large chunks of human flesh from the user's hands.

    DAMMIT TOOL: (I have lot's of these) Any handy tool that you grab and
    throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It
    is also, most often, the next tool that you will need after a really big
    hammer

    Thought this was funny as hell.
     
  2. EnglishBob
    Joined: Jan 19, 2008
    Posts: 1,029

    EnglishBob
    Member

    Is that experience talking Del?
    How's things in the sunny south?
     
  3. Royalshifter
    Joined: May 29, 2005
    Posts: 15,529

    Royalshifter
    Moderator
    from California

    Most important is a shop.
     

  4. Zombie Hot Rod
    Joined: Oct 22, 2006
    Posts: 2,453

    Zombie Hot Rod
    Member
    from New York

    That's more than ten.
     
  5. Royalshifter
    Joined: May 29, 2005
    Posts: 15,529

    Royalshifter
    Moderator
    from California

    I found the most important tool is my wife....she brings me food and drinks....also checks on me when loud noises happen. I think that is why she upgraded my life insurance.
     
  6. Hyway Hauler
    Joined: Aug 31, 2009
    Posts: 670

    Hyway Hauler
    Member

    Hammer and dolly set, pullers, most importantly, a good heater for those lonnng winter months.
     
  7. 61falcon
    Joined: Jan 1, 2009
    Posts: 772

    61falcon
    Member

    lock on the garage door. the inside of the garage door.
     
  8. Delmo
    Joined: Apr 16, 2004
    Posts: 235

    Delmo
    Member
    from Burbank

    I seen it somewhere else but funny either way.
     

  9. Hey, you can do that thing with numbers. You know when they come in some sort of order!! You're smurt!:p
    Doc.
     
  10. big bad john
    Joined: Aug 11, 2010
    Posts: 4,727

    big bad john
    Member

    Well done.....You cover just about everything:D
     
  11. BobbyD
    Joined: Jun 6, 2005
    Posts: 581

    BobbyD
    Member
    from Belmont NC

    x 2!!
     
  12. chevy57dude
    Joined: Dec 10, 2007
    Posts: 6,992

    chevy57dude
    Member

    Well how 'bout them dryer sheets?
     
  13. Right on! Mine also tells me when it's time to quit working. It uesd to be I wouldn't listen but as always she is right, when I stay out too long that's when things start to go wrong and stuff starts to fly. :rolleyes:
     
  14. doctorZ
    Joined: Apr 10, 2006
    Posts: 1,243

    doctorZ
    Member

  15. blanco
    Joined: Jun 22, 2006
    Posts: 5

    blanco
    Member
    from canada

    Pretty good man.. made me laugh
     
  16. Mr48chev
    Joined: Dec 28, 2007
    Posts: 31,317

    Mr48chev
    ALLIANCE MEMBER

    Recycling happens even on the HAMB I thought it looked pretty familiar though. Probably it's making it's way though the email chain again.

    I know one thing though, too many things on that list hit pretty close to home.
     
  17. bykerlad
    Joined: Mar 14, 2009
    Posts: 260

    bykerlad
    Member
    from australia

    Yep,been there done that....lol
     
  18. Please tell us you didn't arrive at the number of shop tools by counting your fingers.................................................
     

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