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So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Junkyard Dog 32, Jan 14, 2005.

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  1. kustombuilder
    Joined: Sep 18, 2002
    Posts: 7,750

    kustombuilder
    Member
    from Novi, MI

    why did God give blondes %2 more brain power than horses???

    ...so they would'nt shit all over the street during parades! [​IMG]

     
  2. Paul
    Joined: Aug 29, 2002
    Posts: 16,380

    Paul
    Editor

    [ QUOTE ]
    why did God give blondes %2 more brain power than horses???


    [/ QUOTE ]

    percent two?

    now that's funny!
     
  3. Paul
    Joined: Aug 29, 2002
    Posts: 16,380

    Paul
    Editor

    the dislectic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake wondering if there really is a dog.

    or...

    the punk-ass rockabilly tough guy finds a strap-on in his girl friend's drawer and asks if she's been having sex behind his back

    she says "well who did you think was back there?"

     
  4. Ha ha ha...

    Okay, this GREASER is riding home from work in his JALOPY. As he crosses a long bridge, he get's pulled over by a cop for speeding.

    The cop takes one look at the car and starts giving the guy shit.

    "Look at this heap. It looks like it's made of junk and held together by more junk", he said, "...and, look at you. You're all greasy and your clothes are filthy... What do you do?"

    "Well," the guy said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

    "A WHAT?" the cap asks, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well, I go to people's house and stretch their rectum. First I put in one finger, then two, then my whole hand... Then, my other hand, and THEN, I spread my hands all the way apart."

    The cop thinks about it and says, "What would anybody ever do with a 6 foot asshole?"

    The greaser replies...
    "Give him a badge and radar gun and put him on a bridge."


    JOE[​IMG]
     
  5. George
    Joined: Jan 1, 2005
    Posts: 7,723

    George
    Member

    Got a 32 Ford for my wife,damn I miss her....
     
  6. HotRodHon
    Joined: Jun 29, 2004
    Posts: 1,424

    HotRodHon
    Member

    A man sat at a local bar and said,
    "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
    "What a coincidence," said the woman next to him.
    “I’m celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
    "What are you celebrating?"
    "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were
    infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
    "What a coincidence, the woman said.
    My husband and I have been trying to have a child.
    Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
    How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
    "I switched cocks," he replied.
    "What a coincidence," she said,
    clinking glasses with him once again.
     
  7. HotRodHon
    Joined: Jun 29, 2004
    Posts: 1,424

    HotRodHon
    Member

    A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

    "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
    Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

    The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

    "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
    my wife appears out of nowhere"
     
  8. HotRodHon
    Joined: Jun 29, 2004
    Posts: 1,424

    HotRodHon
    Member

    Do you know what happened back in 1850?

    California became a state.


    The state had no electricity.
    The state had no money.
    Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
    There were gun fights in the streets.

    So basically, it was just like California today only the women had real breasts.
     
  9. HotRodHon
    Joined: Jun 29, 2004
    Posts: 1,424

    HotRodHon
    Member

    I saved the best for last . . .

    After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

    After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

    "No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

    He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

    Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

    The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

    "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

    (but wait, there's more...)


    The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

    The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

    The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

    Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

    "What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
     
  10. Last year I was visiting a friend in New York City and he picked me up at the Airport to give me a ride into town.

    We left the airport and after a short ride on the freeway we exited to get to his house in the city.

    We were approaching a traffic signal that was "Clearly RED" and my friend flew right through the intersection without any indication of what he had done...!

    I looked at him and said..., "You just went through a RED light...!!! [​IMG]

    He said "That's OK..., My brother does that all the time"...!!!

    We get to the next intersection and again he "BLASTS" right through a RED light and I said agian...,"You just went through another RED light...! And He said..., It's OK my brother does this all the time...!!!

    Now we're approaching another Light but I see that it's GREEN and I'm about to breath a sigh of relief and ALL of a Sudden he Slams on the brake..., I said "WFT" you stopping for?????? He said..., "My brother might be coming the other way"...!!!!!!!!! [​IMG]
     
  11. Alfster
    Joined: Jan 15, 2002
    Posts: 1,174

    Alfster
    Member

    <font color="red"> The Irish invented the toilet seat.
    A few years later a Kiwi put a hole in it!
    </font>
    [​IMG]
     
  12. oldkid
    Joined: Jan 16, 2005
    Posts: 163

    oldkid
    Member
    from smyrna tn

    this really fine woman is sitting at the bar, lookin all depressed. the guy sitting next to her asks her why the long face? she says my husband left me just last week because i'm too kinky in bed. the guy says no shit, my wife left me last month for the same reason. let's go to your house &amp; have some kinky sex. she says what the hell, lets go.
    when they get to her house she tells him to sit on the sofa while she puts on something nice &amp; she disappears into the bedroom. she comes out 10 minutes later wearing a black dominatrix outfit, holding a whip, only to find the guy headed out the front door.
    she asks "where ya' goin? i thought we were gonna have some kinky sex">
    he says "lady, i've shit in your purse &amp; fucked your poodle, i'm through."
     
  13. oldkid
    Joined: Jan 16, 2005
    Posts: 163

    oldkid
    Member
    from smyrna tn

    this chick walks up to the pharmisist &amp; asks " do you sell extra large condoms?"
    he says "yes ma'am, would you like to buy some?"
    she says "no, but do you mind if i hang around till somebody does?"
     
  14. oldkid
    Joined: Jan 16, 2005
    Posts: 163

    oldkid
    Member
    from smyrna tn

    and here's an all time favorite
    the top 10 reasons a pistol is better than a woman.

    10) if you like your friends pistol, he'll let you try it &amp; give it back as long as you clean it when your finished
    9) a pistol doesn't care if you have another pistol
    8) a pistol won't get loud unless it has good ammunition
    7) a pistol won't ask if this holster makes me look fat
    6)a pistol won't spend your whole paycheck on bullets that don't fit
    5) if you take care of a pistol it will function normally every day of the month
    4) you can trade your tired old 44 in on 2 new 22's
    3) a pistol won't do anything you don't ask it to do
    2) a pistol doesn't mind if you use it &amp; go right to sleep
    and the # 1 reason a pistol is better than a woman
    you can buy a silencer for your pistol
     
  15. Smokin Joe
    Joined: Mar 19, 2002
    Posts: 3,770

    Smokin Joe
    Member

    The Grizzly Exterminator!


    Lady calls up the exterminator and says:

    Help I've got a GRIZZLY in my tree in the back yard!
    Can you kill it?

    The exterminator says Nope, that's a felony, but I can remove it for you. Be there in an hour...

    An hour later the exterminator drives up in a beat up old Model A truck with a cage in the back and the meanest, ugliest looking junkyard dog you've ever seen. He pulls out a Weatherby magnum rifle from the gun rack and makes sure it's loaded and says let's go see this bear...

    Lady says, why the gun? I thought you couldn't shoot the bear?

    Guy says: It ain't for the bear...

    They go around back and sure enough there's a big snarling griz up the tree on a limb. The guy unleashes the dog and explains that he's going to climb the tree, shake the limb till the griz falls. The dog will then grab the griz by the balls and drag him into the cage in the truck.

    He hands the gun to the lady and starts up the tree, the lady looks at the gun and says: What do I do with this?

    The man says: If by chance the griz shakes ME outa the tree.....
    SHOOT THAT DAMNED DOG!
     
  16. hoof
    Joined: Jul 14, 2006
    Posts: 620

    hoof
    Member

    Guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. Bartender asks him what's the occasion. The guy says tonight was my first blowjob. The bartender says congrats, the drinks are on the house, but why do you need 6 of them. Guy says "I am trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"
     
  17. paulie_boy13
    Joined: Mar 1, 2005
    Posts: 269

    paulie_boy13
    Member
    from NC

    OFFENSIVE JOKES BELOW




    you hear about the 2 gay irish guys?

    patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick
    ..............................

    waddaya call a lazy Irish guy?

    Paddy O' Furniture
    ................................

    Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
    ..........................................................

    Paddy and Mick bumped into each other in the Pub, Paddy says to Mick "HOWS IT GOING WHAV YA BEEN UP TO"
    Mick says "IM GOING TO COLLEGE STUDYING THAT NEW THING CALLED LOGIC"
    Paddy Says"LOGIC?? - WHAT THE HELL IS LOGIC?"
    Mick Says"WELL ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT ILL GIVE YOU A FEW EXAMPLES,.....
    HAVE YOU GOT A GOLDFISH?"
    Paddy Says "YES"
    Mick Says "OK THEN YOUVE EITHER GOT A POND, A TANK OR A BOWL"
    Paddy Says "YEH IVE GOT A POND , BUT I STILL DONT GET WHAT LOGIC IS"
    Mick Says "ILL GIVE YER A FEW MORE EXAMPLES..... IF YOUVE GOT A POND YOUVE EITHERE GOT A GARDEN OR A YARD?"
    Paddy Says" YEH, IVE GOT A GARDEN"
    Mick Says "IF YOUVE GOT A GARDEN , YOUVE EITHER GOT A HOUSE OR A BUNGALOW"
    Paddy Says "YEH, IVE GOT A HOUSE"
    Mick Says "IF YOUVE GOT A HOUSE, YOUR EITHER MARRIED OR NOT MARRIED??"
    Paddy Says "YEH IM MARRIED"
    Mick Says "IF YOURE MARRIED, YOUVE EITHER BEEN MARRIED A SHORT TIMEOR A LONG TIME"
    Paddy Says "YEH IVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 6 MONTHS"
    Mick says " I BET YOU IN THEM 6 MONTHS , YOU HAVENT HAD A WANK!"
    paddy says "BE JESUS, THAT LOGIC IS FUCKIN GRAND, YOU KNOW ALL THEM THINGS ABOUT ME THROUGH THAT THING CALLED LOGIC"
    Anyway , they have a few more jars and part company.

    Paddys walking home from the pub Pissed as a fart and bumps into Shamus,
    Paddy says "SHAMUS ME OLD MATE,WHAT A COINSIDENCE, IVE JUST SEEN MICK IN THE PUB AND I HAVENT SEEN HIM FOR 5 YEARS EITHER."
    Shamus says "MY OLD MATE MICK , HOWS HE DOING?"
    Paddy says " HES GRANDE , HES GOING TO COLLEGE NOW STUDYING THAT NEW THING CALLED LOGIC"
    Shamus says "LOGIC ,WHATS LOGIC"
    Paddy Says "ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN, SO ILL GIVE YOU SOME EXAMPLES..... HAVE YOU GOT A GOLDFISH?"
    Shamus said "NO"
    Paddy Said "YOU’RE A WANKER THEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

    SLAINTE'
     
  18. skajaquada
    Joined: Sep 14, 2004
    Posts: 1,642

    skajaquada
    Member
    from SLC Utard

    so this guy is waiting in the exam room at the ER and the doc walks in. "what seems to be the problem?" he asks. the guy drops his pants and his manhood is all bloody and mangled. "FUCK! what the hell happened?!" says the doc. the guy replies "well i live in a trailer park and i was watching this hot woman in the trailer next to me and noticed that every night at 9:30 she gets a hot dog outta the fridge, sticks it in a hole in her kitchen floor and rides the SHIT outta it! well i decided to sneak over there the next night and when she stuck the hot dog in the hole, i was waiting under her trailer and quickly pulled the hot dog out and stuck my dick through." the dock stops him and asks, "so what happened to your willy?" the guy says "well it was going great until the doorbell rang and she tried to kick it under the stove!"
     
  19. McKee
    Joined: Jul 22, 2005
    Posts: 1,193

    McKee

    Hey tred, FUCKOFF!
     
  20. Bugman
    Joined: Nov 17, 2001
    Posts: 3,483

    Bugman
    Member

    Guy walks into the doctor's office and says "Doctor doctor, I feel like a bridge." The doctor replys "what's come over you?" The man states "well, so far, 2 cars, 3 trucks, and a bus."

    Remember, if you tip your waitress, pick her back up.
     
  21. 49ratfink
    Joined: Feb 8, 2004
    Posts: 18,828

    49ratfink
    Member
    from California

    that's a steven wright joke.

    you know.. "it's a small world........... but I wouldn't want to paint it"

    that guy
     
  22. hoof
    Joined: Jul 14, 2006
    Posts: 620

    hoof
    Member

    That guy is great. He has some car jokes too. He said I am learning to play the harmonica but can only play by going 100 MPH and holding it out the window. I have been arrested 4 times for practicing. I put a new motor in my car and forgot to take the old one out. My car does 500 MPH. You should hear the harmonica.

    CHAZ
     
  23. Three legged dog walks into a bar,"Im looking for the man that shot my paw"

    Two blondes are reading the USA Today, and the headline reads...TWO BRAZILLIAN SOLDIERS WERE KILLED IN BATTLE...one blonde asks the other "How many is a brazillian?
     
  24. R-U-N-N-O-F-T
    Joined: Aug 1, 2006
    Posts: 133

    R-U-N-N-O-F-T
    Member
    from Missouri

    Stop me if you've heard this one--
    Dude asks a pharmacist if he can recommend something for constipation, and the pharmacist gives him some suppositories. Dude goes home, comes back a week later and says, "Them pills you gave me didn't work."
    Pharmacist says, "Erm, you didn't by chance take them orally, did you?" Dude says,
    "What was I supposed to do--shove 'em up my ass!?"
     
  25. mpls|cafe|racer
    Joined: Jun 18, 2006
    Posts: 1,323

    mpls|cafe|racer
    BANNED

    Hey now, I resemble that...

    [​IMG]
     
  26. mpls|cafe|racer
    Joined: Jun 18, 2006
    Posts: 1,323

    mpls|cafe|racer
    BANNED

    [​IMG]
     
  27. breeder
    Joined: Jul 13, 2005
    Posts: 10,948

    breeder
    Member Emeritus

    this is a true sign at a whore house in nevada...
    WERE CLOSED..BEAT IT!!

    two termites walk into a bar and say.." is the bartender here?"

    a blonde walks up to the river bank...see's another blonde across the way and yealls.." how do you get to the other side?? the other blonde reply's.." your already on the other side"

    if ya cant beatem, shootem...

    what do ya get when ya cross an elephant and a rhino???
     
  28. zzford
    Joined: May 5, 2005
    Posts: 1,823

    zzford
    Member

    What's the difference between a faggot and a freezer? A freezer don't fart when you pull the meat out.



    A rabbi and a priest are walking down the steet. The priest spots a young boy across the way playing at a park. "How would you like to screw that kid" says the priest. The rabbi replies "Out of what?"
     
  29. An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through he leans over and whispers, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
    She replied " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

    Same couple at the doctor's. Doc says he needs a urine, semen, and stool sample. Old dude says, "What did he say?" Wife repeats the doc's words. Old man again says, "What?" Wife gets right in his ear and yells, "Give him your under shorts!"
     
  30. hemi
    Joined: Jul 11, 2001
    Posts: 1,959

    hemi
    Member

    What kind of bees make milk?

    B00-bees!!




    Why do tweekers prefer to have sex doggie style?

    So they BOTH can look out the window.
     
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