Share your best automotive humor and stupid stories

Dont know if this is a joke or not, but it's good for a laugh if nothing else...

http://www.mustangforums.com/forum/showthread.php?t=368307

Got any other moron stories to share?

 

my son used to work at Auto Zone and one day a man brought back a can of bondo said it was no good my son looked at it the guy had added the hardner to the whole gallon and tried to mix it in the can. My son said he almost choked and then just gave he man another can out of pitty and then told him how to mix it and use it.

 

highly educated college professor in my town bikes down to the local NAPA with a car battery, says it is dead, so he gets a new one , top post, and bikes off , an hour later here comes again, says this is a ba d battery, we look at him and say what? so we look at the battery and see the red plastic tear off protector thing still on the positive post has been crushed down by the cable, he put the cable on the post with the red plastic still on the lead terminal

and of course there was no way the connection could be good, we just picked at the little tab and pulled it off exposing the nice lead terminal he didnt say a thing just got on his bike ,back to the college

 

I had a new car towed into garage with no brakes. Opened the brake master cylinder and it's filled with motor oil. I called the owner and told her she could'nt understand how it got there until her 12 year old son said he changed the brake fluid with new oil ! That was an expensive oil change.

 

I went to start my car to drive to work on morning. Click..Click... We've all heard it, just enough to click the solenoid. Call a co-worker, he comes over, takes me to the parts place to buy a battery. Get back, friend goes on to work, I install the battery.
Click...Click... Same sound. Car still won't start. A couple of calls later a guy says "Did they load test the new battery? I think you bought a "dead" battery. Another friend took me back to the place I got the battery, they tested it and yeah, I bought a dead battery! They load tested the next one, I installed it, and got to work, about 1:30 PM.
Called the "800" number on the warranty card and talked the guy into sending me a hat. I called it my "dead battery hat".
I think it was because I put an A/C Delco battery in a Ford, and I pissed off the brand name Gods!

 

it was'nt me but I'm sure everyone remembers this....

 

Years ago I worked partime at an American gas station. Guy comes in one day and asks if we repair flats. I say sure. He asks if he can leave it and pick it up later that evening. I say sure; just pay the girl that works the evening shift. His next question was will any mechanics be there that late to put the tire in his trunk. I say no. At that point he tells me to only put 10 pounds of air in his tire rather than the recommended 32 pounds because he will need to put the tire in his trunk himself This is a true story. At first I thought it may be a joke but this guy didn't bat an eye when I told him I'd do him that favor. Tire was picked up later that evening.....

 

My wife and I were planning a big B-day celebration with her at a local club where we were meeting several friends. I let her splurge on a really slinky sexy black dress because I wanted her to feel good about herself and be happy. We’re not rich, so spending a couple of hundred on a new dress was a big deal for her and she was really excited about wearing it out on the town. When it came time to get ready she asked me if I could zip up the back. I was making comments about how sexy she looked in that tight black dress and as I was zipping it up I was kidding around and zipping it up and down going Woooo Wooooo Wooooo…….. Well, I broke the zipper! No way to fix it. She was really pissed off and this was no way to start her big Birthday celebration. All night long she tried to smile sitting there in one of her old dresses with me knowing how pissed off she was. It was not good.

The next day she goes out to do a little shopping and I go out to the driveway to install a new Starter in my car. She comes home about an hour later and sees an opportunity for a little payback when she spots two legs sticking out from underneath the car on a creeper. She walks over and grabs the zipper and starts sipping it up and down going Wooooo Woooo Wooooo and then storms off into the house.

I wasn’t quite sure why she was looking at me with that half scared, half shocked look on her face as I was getting a beer out of the fridge. She kind of let out a little scream and ran back out into the driveway and I followed her. Just as I came out of the front door I see Chris, (my neighbor who had come over to help me with the shimming the starter) pulling himself out from underneath my car with huge knot on his forehead!! Apparently he was so startled when someone grabbed his crotch that he sat up real fast and knocked himself silly. We laugh about this each year on her birthday. And yes, she has forgiven me for the dress. And of course every time Chris is helping me work on a car, he askes me where my wife is.

 

Long long ago when I was attending trade school I heard a local auto wreckers had taken in a 48 Morris 2 dr and it was for sale. Me and my rowdy buddies stopped by after class and saw it. I dont know how many have seen a 48 morris but is a beautiful car and just screams ""I wana be a hot rod like a 48 anglia does."" This car had not a scratch on it. The paint was even good but the motor was siezed from 15 years of idleness and the owner, an elderly woman just scrapped it. ""How much?"" I asked Gigger , who owned the wreckers. . ""for you ,Don, $175"" (This was 1968) My pals whispered in my ear to make him an offer. ""How about $125?"" I asked. He told me to stop by a week from them and he would let me know. We left quite excited and i had the car half built in my mind by the end of that week. When we all walked in to the wreckers the following week he said ""Dulmage, come with me."" I followed out into the yard and there was the 48 Morris with not a section of it more than 4 inches high. He told me after I left last week he took his old caterpillar dzer and drove over the car 7 times. ""Next time Don when I say $175 GIVE ME THE D------ MONEY!"" Tis a hard lesson I never forgot.
D

 

This is more of a scary story than humorous...

Went over to a buddy's house to help him swap rear axles from under a '69 Nova. The 12-bolt that was under it had locked up tight, and he and his brother somehow got it off the trailer and into their garage. The axle was already out from under the Nova, and the suspension was in pieces. I look under the car to see what was being used for support and I saw the cheapest jackstands I'd ever seen in my life, holding the entire weight of this car up about two and a half feet. The left stand was placed on the rear subframe and had maybe a half-inch of actual contact with the car, and the other was barely placed on the subframe and was inboard, towards the floor...you can see what's gonna happen here, right?

My friend had just crawled out from under the car when the left stand collapsed from its cheapness and the car came crashing to the floor. The other stand slipped off inboard and punched a hole in the car floor! The gas tank slammed to the floor, but did not puncture, thankfully! How they got everything unbolted and moved out from under the car with those stands placed as they were is a miracle...and both of the brothers were under that car for a while! Damn lucky they did not kill themselves! We got everything put together again later that evening, but I had some much stouter jack stands and some other supports to keep the car up while we got the car back together again.

 

When I was a kid, about 20, I laid pennies on the battery to stop corrosion. What did I know?

Anyhow, one time I stopped for gas and the guy went to check under the hood, saw the pennies and said, "That's not good, that corrosion has to come out someplace and if you prevent it from coming out on the battery posts, it will come out inside the light bulbs".

Even at the tender age I was, I knew better than that!

 

I went to a buddies shop that worked on Corvettes. One of his mechanics was trying to start a Vette he had worked on. I asked him what he did. He said he had replaced the cam and now it won't start. I told him to turn the engine over as I watched the rocker arms. Then I asked him what kinda cam he installed, hydraulic or solid? Then I explained how to adjust a hydraulic cam and did one cylinder. He did the rest and the car started. Told my buddy, who owned the shop, he may want to look for a new mechanic.

 

21st century and the guy up the street from me STILL thinks batteries magically go dead from sitting on concrete! When I was a lot younger man I would have argued with him till I was blue in the face, now I know to just say "oh,OK" and let it go.Don't argue with fools or drunks!

 

It is absolutely amazing how many people will still argue that a battery sitting on concrete will die......

 

Now thats funny......

 

We were out partying one night and went to a dance at the armory about 60 miles from home, driving a 50 chevy with a big jimmy 6, and drinking a lot of beer. When we was getting ready to leave "Frog" got behind the wheel and was revving the motor and backing off with the straight pipes and it backfired and blew the top off the carb. We got Frog a coffee can and took the hood off and drove the 60 miles home with him laying behind the motor next to the firewall pouring gas in what was left of the carb. That was funny and crazy but everyone cracked up when we pulled into the gas stations and Frog held up the can and said fill er up.

 

I had a customer come into the shop i work at ( old style 3 bay Sunoco station) extremely upset because she was having a hell of a time putting oil in her car..
She said she was spilling it all over and couldn't understand how we did it so fast without making a mess........
She was trying to pour it down the dipstick tube.......

She said she remembered someone doing it before that way..
It was hard to explain that's how it's added to the automatic transmission, not the motor without laughing and making her feel worse than she did already..
I gave her credit though for trying....

True story that we still bring up and laugh about from time to time.

 

Way way back when Batteries had rubber cases they would die on cement but since they changed to plastic cases it no longer is a problem! Just a little known fact.

 

About '76 during my days as a Ford parts manager, we hired a young guy as an entry level mechanic. He had all the state certifications & seemed just right. His first week or so consisted mostly of tuneups, oil changes, etc. Second week the Service manager gave him an F250 pickup with lower engine noise (obvious bearing failure). The kid pulls the pickup on the hoist and busies himself with it. Several hours later the service manager comes up to me & told me the kid did fine getting the pan off and several main caps. But then after not being able to figure it out, he asked the tech next to him "How do I get the other half of the bearing out?" Next day we had a vacancy for an entry level mechanic. . .

 

My second wife wasn't the brightest thing and I am glad she is an ex-wife. Right before I met her she waxed her car with Pledge, ....sure was lemmonie fresh though.

 

We had a korean guy come in to the shop, He barely spook any english but after listening intently we deciphered that the little honda made a "kunk kunk kunk" noise when he stopped. I test drove it and it didn't make any noise for me. looked at it on the lift and couldnt find anything out of place. gave it back to the guy and as he left the lot we heard what the problem was... a tell tale ratcheting grind then the car shifted as it stoped "kunk kunk kunk." he was shifting to park every time he wanted to stop. He came back in and we tried our best to explain how to drive an automatic... not sure if he understood or not but I later saw the guys honda at the tranny shop down the street.

 

I remember reading a funny story once about this woman who went into the auto parts store and told them she needed a new 710 cap for her car because hers was leaking. Nobody could figure out what she wanted. One guy goes outside with her, she pops the hood, points to the side of her engine & there it was plain as day. On her valve cover, a leaky 710 cap - which if you turn it 710 becomes OIL.......

 

I remembered another,

My friend comes over one day wants me to go look at his mom's car because she was having trouble with the belts on her Beamer. So I go over and she wasn't there but we popped the hood and checked the belts out which looked good then checked the idler pully it seemed to work good everything seemed to check out okay. Finally she showed up with the keys and I asked her what the car was doing or was it making funny sounds and why she thought the belts needed attention. She then turned the ignition on and pointed to the light that was on that said "Belts". I couldn't stop laughing and finally was able to explain to her that that was the seat belt indicator light.

 

Was his names Parks?

 

the old lady next door to my dad's could not start her 58 pontiac...she asked me to try...sure enough, it would not turn over too good and would not start...she then said she had just put oil in it - when i checked it, the oil was WAY UP on the stick - i removed the breather and the oil was filled to the TOP of the engine....i drained MANY quarts out and the car then would run - smoked like a peace pipe for a while tho.....she had NO clue!

 

my friend joey bought an old A bone hot rod with a quick change rear - the driveshaft had too much of an angle to the trans so the guy flipped the rear upside down so a lesser angle would be achieved - too bad he didn't realize that the car would then go BACKWARDS...duh...not a bad install either...lol

 

man, the older i get the stupider i get - know what i mean?....i put a new pair of slicks on my model A ratrod truck - man, i thought that the 8-71 blown 355 chev would really turn these nicely and give me some 'off the line' traction - installed new tubes just to make sure all was sealed just right....well, remember how guys SOAP UP the bead for easier mounting?....yea, i blasted the bastard and turned both tires and blew 75 dollars of new tubes - the truck looked real stupid sitting there with 2 flat tires - i looked even stupider going back to the speed shop for 2 more tubes AND a set of screws for the rims - yes, they WERE already drilled...another 'brilliant move'...duh...

 

i went to the local supermarket autoparts store with my dad to get a thermostat for a 84 monte the lady behind the computer asks him the usual make model questions and then asks him "is it 4bbl or carbeurated?" he replies its blue.

 

I was down to the last two bolts on my intake/exhaust after about 3 days of absolute frustration. Upon breaking the 2nd to last bolt, coolant came RUSHING out of the huge crack in my exhaust manifold. Thinking it could only be the head gasket, I proceeded to run about like a headless chicken until my man pulled into the driveway. I dragged him into the shop, where coolant was still pouring out onto the floor and I pointed to the issue. He just looked at me cool as a cucumber and said "What?" I looked back at it, and it occurred to me that I had completely disregarded the part of the engine known as the water jacket...