The Jalopy Journal
Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Boneyard51, Apr 2, 2018.
In life, there are more horses asses than horses !
Were you Home Schooled?
1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2 My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4 My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.”
5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
7 My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
To be honest with you, I heard more of these than I didn't hear.
Damn I thought I had it rough!
Hell Yes ! I can keep a secret, I haven't told my wife I know how to fold a fitted sheet.!
To ask a stupid question is better than making a stupid mistake. - dad.
We are lucky we don't get as much government as we pay for.!!!
“Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists.”
-A Course in Miracles
You never know how dirty a song's lyrics are till you hear a child singing them.
Some Groucho Marx gems........
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."
"It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy."
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
"No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early."
The Marx brothers were comedic geniuses. I can watch those old movies over again. So funny.
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Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have them look forward to the trip.
Years ago Dad was #1 salesman and his boss asked what his secret was.
He said "I'm bald enough to look distinguished and have hemorrhoids enough to have a look of concern".
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my dad used this one on me as well... but he always added "...and i will make another one that looks just like you"
According to Archie Bunker it was getting someone to do something they didn't want to do by promising to give them something you were never going to give them.
One of my favorite Marx Brothers gems is this. Cicco: I think we should have a standing army “ Groucho: why?, Cicco: cause then we’d save money on chairs!
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If I had a dog as ugly, as you are, she/he is, they are; Id shave his ass and make it walk backwards.
Me to some customer with parts that need to be thrown away;
I can polish it and it's still gonna be a turd.
My wifes favorite;
Doesn't matter who's shoe it's on, shit is still shit..
My brother to a braggart;
You'll shit too, if you eat regular
It's good that the right people hate you for the right reasons.
We met for a reason. Either you're a blessing or a lesson.
Too soon old and too late smart
My Dad use to say. Four rubber wheels are better than two rubber heels.
When someone gets something he didn't work for, someone else worked for something he didn't get.
We are all put on earth for a reason, even if it's just to serve as a bad example.
Everyone brings joy to a shop, some by entering, others by leaving.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things go downhill.
Never criticize someone without walking a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and have their shoes.
And from one of the farmers I used to work for: "It's not so bad getting old, just unhandy at times."
My dad had a boatload of sayings . . . one in particular he used a lot: Two or more folks struggling with some task, he would say "Like two monkeys trying to fuck a football."
His favorite quote was from Satchel Paige: "Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you."
Paige had as many great quotes as Yogi. Here's a few more:
"Work like you don't need the money. Love like you've never been hurt. Dance like nobody's watching."
"Don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines."
"Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money."
"Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter."
"How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?"
"Mother always told me, if you tell a lie, always rehearse it. If it don't sound good to you, it won't sound good to no one else."
"Don't eat fried food, it angries up the blood."
Seems appropriate what with this being D-Day anniversary. My dad was a WWII vet and he always got a kick out of saying this. I would say this qualifies as a quote to live by for when things aren't exactly copacetic.
My Dad once said to me " That must be your Ass talking cuz your Head knows better"
While visiting a friend for a nice dinner, overheard were many questionable sayings by the head of the household. Being nice to the whole family, one learns to just say nothing in reply.
A grumpy old man (gone now) once said to his wife, many questionable quotes over the years. One time, after she served him his dinner, she asked how was the ....... The answer was: " I'm eating it, aren't I?" That guy was full of not just dinner, but other stuff, too.
I used to use this one on my kids, "Are those ears painted on?"
Now, they use it on me.
You're the kind of guy that would piss on my boots and tell me they're wet because its raining.
She's got a face that would make a freight train take a dirt road.
So many good ones!
When I brought my wife to meet parents 46 years ago we were having dinner when Dad farted at the table "George!" she exclaimed. Dad said "I'm sorry, I didn't know it was your turn Ma".
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