The Jalopy Journal
Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Boneyard51, Apr 2, 2018.
Plan your work and then work your plan.
"It don't mean nuthin' - Mr. Natural
Also the tagline , " If you can't explain it simply, you don't know how it works." Albert Einstien , Lone Wolf
Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid. - John Wayne
Ignorance can be changed with education, stupid is forever.
Dad would always tell me pertaining to building cars "If you are going to do it, do it right and make it uniform" I to this day have to make things perfect and uniform...
Also, metal shop teacher always had a quote he used. "LIFES TOUGH, ITS TOUGHER WHEN YOU'RE STUPID"
Would you rather be a hot dog or a weenie? Remember, a hot dog is nothing but a weenie that's on a roll. - Rusty O'Toole
Do you want to know the secret of life? There is no secret. There are a thousand secrets. We spend a lifetime learning them and trying to do better if we are smart.
I always share this with people... "Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me!" Song called Walk by Pantera.
“Fuck off, and stay fuck off, and don’t stop being fuck off untill I tell you!
Go to the fuck off department and get yourself 2.
My dads personal favorite .... “ I’m gonna shove it up the queens ass”
"Your education should be like your underwear. You should always have it with you, but you don't have to show it to everyone."
The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.
i am a fan of the way his lived his life, his passions, his adventures but........his writing........way to wordy for me. just my opinion.
I don't see how you could express those thoughts any simpler.
From the dumpy potato to the sleek french fry, nothing satisfies hunger like food. - Ken M
"i never met a potato i didn't like" me
Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded — here and there, now and then — are the work of an extremely small minority, frequently despised, often condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out of a society, the people then slip back into abject poverty.
This is known as "bad luck."
Robert A. Heinlein
George Burns had great ones about getting old, like first you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up, then forget to pull it down.
Another was when you get old everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
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Never underestimate the power of Pussy
The Noble Spud. (Are you familiar with Robert Rankin?)
Never insult seven men when all your carrying is a six shooter.
no, but maybe i heard it before.
saw a load of Sod go by:
I said I want to be as rich as that guy, He sends his lawn out to be mowed.
Bob Hope on milestones:
ON TURNING 70: “You still chase women, but only downhill.”
ON TURNING 80: “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”
ON TURNING 90: “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
On TURNING 100: “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap!”
Right before he died, his family asked where he wanted to be buried. "Surprise me". LOL
When the .mil unit I was in were deployed to Macedonia as part of some yet another ill advised foreign adventure I spotted this oldish looking civilian guy with a USO ball cap near the morale tent or whatever. Figuring he'd get the joke I shouted out "Hey where's Bob?". Turns out the feller was Johnny Grant, the unofficial "Mayor of Hollywood" who in fact, knew Bob Hope quite well and we chatted for quite some time and said he'd pass along my best wishes to Mr. Hope like he meant it.
I remember George Burns on the Johnny Carson show. When Johnny asked him when sex stopped for him he replied "about two o'clock this morning ".
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The hollow chocolate bunnies of the apocalypse.
The man has a brilliantly twisted mind
I took off from the light and the gas pedal stuck open, I've got a new throttle spring right here in my tool box OFFICER.
In life, there are more horses asses than horses !
Were you Home Schooled?
1 My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2 My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet.
3 My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4 My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why.”
5 My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.”
7 My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about.”
8 My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9 My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!”
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.”
16.My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home.”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
22.My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father.”
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.”
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
To be honest with you, I heard more of these than I didn't hear.
Separate names with a comma.