Favorite one liners as told by gearheads

Car wouldn't pull the skin off a rice pudding...

Stepping on the throttle is about like putting your foot in a pail of shit...

Hotter than a half fucked fox in a forest fire..

Was with an old trucker at the restaurant one day and noticed the young waitress with a rather large butt, he just casually says to us, shame all that meat and no potatoes... (Titties)

 

My Dad's friend was a great source. He also was a great mechanic and really got me into it. He said these always very calmly,,,,,,,,,,,,,enjoy.
I was scraping a waterpump gasket;
" Son, theyres no such thing as a safety razor, thats why youre holding that finger like that now."
I did something reaaaly dumb,
"That boys about as sharp as a leading edge on a basketball".
We were unloading a big safe to a customer on a sunday;
"If this goes wrong,dont blink, you'll probably never see anything like this again".

 

"If this goes wrong,dont blink, you'll probably never see anything like this again".

In 13 pages of quotes, THIS one is HANDS-DOWN my favorite. I WILL be using this one quite frequently!

 

Holly crap, that's me!! wait this sucks.

 

"That thing would'nt pull a sick whore off a toilet seat"

 

My good friend had a T-altered with some handling issues and he wasn't happy about it. First round he has lane choice. The other guy comes to our pit and asks, "Which lane do you want, left or right?"

Snarly response, "Doesn't fuckin' matter, I'm gonna use 'em both anyway."

I'm sure some of you have heard that before or since, but the delivery was priceless.

 

"That cranks my sprocket!"

 

"Run what ya' brung, and hope ya' brung enough."

"There is no replacement for displacement."

"Chrome wont take you home"

"RACECAR backwards is still RACECAR"
...

 

"Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that’s what gets you."
.
Jeremy Clarkson
...
.

 

"Harder than Hobo shit"
"She had a far away look in her eye, like a pig pissin'"
Then there was this clown that hung around and didn't contribute anything, he was told to.."Put an egg in your shoe and beat it"

 

"If You Want More Inches - Stroke It!!!"

Redneck Foreplay: "Get in the truck"
.
...

 

I was standing in line behind a man who had to be in his late 80's, the man bought something, and then paid for it.. then he was asked if he wanted a bag, he could barely lift his head and tells the guy,...NOPE! I ALREADY GOT ONE SHES SITTING IN THE CAR!

 

"Beer, the cause of, and solution to all of life's problems" Homer Simpson
.
.

 

How's about "My trophy punk!" or "Here, hold this trophy while I kiss your girlfriend."

The best of all time though has gotta be "That can't be your car, it's gotta be your momma's car." and then the ever famous "Field car" comment afterward is priceless.

 

My personal one, "Would you like carry out out sir?" "No, I can walk, thank you."

 

"Street rods have a Chevy in front and a can of wax in the back...
...Hot Rods have a flathead in front and a box of tools in the back"
.
Fred Offenhauser
.
...

 

FORD found on rubbish dump

 

With a torch and a welder everything is universal fit.
.
.

 

MOPAR

Massively
Over
Powered
Asfault
Ripper

 

Dick also called Volvo cars "Swedish taxis" funny driver in his day:

 

When people ask "how are you" I reply "woke up breathing,good start to the day" I sometimes get a blank stare back.

 

I remember when he was going down conrod straight in his Cosworth Sierra he was asking the TV commentators "what does Little Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?

"They both have Kurds in their way" [ whey ]

He could drive ten tenths and still come up with some really funny "one-liners" while he was at it.

 

A couple of favorites of I know:

" The difference between him and a jackass is the fence"
or
"Ya he's on a trip without luggage"
or
" She'd be like doin a bobcat in a phone booth"

 

"The Genie lamp keeps coming on and there is a knocking noise"

Ex GF

 

As seen painted on a dash of an old stock car...

"Always turn left, never look back"

 

"Owning a trailer queen is like having a hot wife and not f*cking her"

Yours truly.

 

Okay....

How many guys are going to use this one as their signature!

 

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

 

My old shop teacher always told us:

"Girls are nothing but trouble and a warm place to j#rk off"

 

Slicker than greased owl shit on a door Knob has got me chuckling all day.