Favorite one liners as told by gearheads

painted on the back of my friends'27 chevy, "Like a rock, powered by ford stock"

 

You don't know bull shit from applebutter.

 

Guy who ran the racing kart shop I used to hang around once told me I was "smarter than a bucket of farts" after I identified a mystery cylinder head that had been sitting for weeks on the counter. I assume it was a compliment, but to this day I'm still not sure.

 

From the 70's: Injection is nice, but I'd rather be Blown.

 

I was under an OT Jeep installing a new transfer case when my (now ex) wife came home from a doctor's appointment for a "female problem". She said her doctor advised her against any sexual activity for thirty days, at which point I asked her "Oh yeah? What did your DENTIST say?" Guess she didn't think it was funny. One entire 7-11 Big Gulp dumped on my "crotchal area".

 

with my luck, id fall in a bucket of tits and come out sucking my thumb.

 

"that sumbich weel run...." as heard from a hillbilly bear co-worker on any type of his vehicle we happened to be talking about at the time. Coulda been a car, truck, tractor, lawnmower, chainsaw, weedeater, carpet sweeper, circular saw,...didn't matter. Used to make me chuckle everytime, knew it was coming sooner or later in the conversation.

 

When I worked at the body shop back in the day, didnt matter if I did something good or stupid one guy would say "cool daddy squid". Still not sure if it was a good or bad thing.

 

Less then a month after getting my drivers license when I was 16 , I got nabbed for racing.
I ended up staying out all night trying to gain the courage to face my father.
I returned home at daybreak and broke the news to my dad.
I told him I was at a light when a Chevelle pulled up next to me and challenged me.
He said "do it again and I'm scrapping that car of yours"
I said "Dad I was driving your Cadillac"
He said "oh...how'd she run?"

 

Mine said he could weld your butthole shut if you stood still long enough!

 

Measure with a micrometer, mark it with chalk, cut it with an axe...

 

motors never run as good as right before the pistons melt

 

Could F up a steel anvil with a rubber hammer! (my Dad)

Cut the sum..... 3 times and it's still too short! ( my Dad yet again)

Always runs best just before it pukes! (many racers over the years, including me)

Cut to match, beat to fit, paint to cover (a phrase I overheard from several "sheet metal mechanics" I worked with on aircraft)

It's a 50/50 paint job (looks good from 50 feet at 50 MPH).

Stiffer than a wedding dick (a friend of mine replacing old Aeroquip fuel hose on his race car)

I wish my dick got that hard (an older racing buddy trying to get a petrified radiator hose off his pickup / beater)

Soak it in cider (from several mechanics over the years commenting on a semi superficial wound to your hands, for clarity that's "inside her" just pronounced "cider" )

Sometimes prefaced with "teenager torque wrench," " crank it till it shears and back off a 1/4 turn" (several aircraft maintenance instructors to various student's they thought were overtightening whatever they were working on)

Alternately, for revving an engine up "crank it till it blows, then back off 1/4 turn" (several racers)

Smokey Unick (sp) "one test is worth 10,000 theories"

There's nothing wrong with the suspension another 50 horsepower wouldn't cure. (a local racer that has since moved south).

 

If i have the right sticks i can weld a fish to a stone
My ex boss when a customer asked if we could
weld together stainles and regular steel

 

don''t know if these have been posted yet: dummer than a box of rocks, dummer than a bag of hammers......not a one liner... but something to ponder... the difference in northern and southern stories told... in the north they start with.. once upon a time..... in the south they start... you ain''t gonna believe this shit.

 

"you need that like a fish needs a bicycle." - Brother in law T. Griffin
"shit the bed, Myrtle!" - Brother in law J. Stover
"hotter than Dutch love." - Brother in law B. Peck

I'm fortunate to have a bunch of in-law wags.

 

dont go to fast you wont have time to build speed

 

This stuff will glue snot to ice!

That's more fu**ed up than a little bit!

If you're gonna be wrong, be REAL wrong!



first one is mine, the others I've heard over the years.

this one my gunny sgt used to say to me all the time...You could fu** up a rock!

 

#1...we didn't come to play....we quit school cause they made us take recess . #2... when we had to be precise with something like lining up a motor to mate to the trans in a engine swap .. we said just like grandmaw in the casket...dead in there.

 

G.M.C. Gay Mans Chevy
tighter than a Nuns pu$$y! as in a frozen bolt/nut

 

Was a local dragstrip a few years back & heard a similar response to "Which lane do you want?"

Driver said "I will take the left one"

and the reply was "no, not which lane you wanna start in, I wanna know which lane you want to finish in" (Was an evil handling Camaro doorcar that had recently been imported)

Driver went dead straight on that run, took right lane in the next run & put it over the armco at the top end, took out the photographers perch and somebody at the startline got the perfect photo of the photographer heading thru the air in a perfect dive. Photographer was uninjured & the photo won some awards.

 

It might be slow, but it sure is ugly.

It shines like a wet dick in the moonlight

The sun don't shine on the same dog's ass everyday

 

I haven't read them all yet so I hope I'm not repeating.

" If you can't make it fast make it loud."

some one makes a bad shift "Grind a pound for me!"

 

My old boss talking about another worker who just broke a door glass he was installing (using an air wrench) "he is one chromosome short of a potato."

 

"That like a sore dick"

??

"You can't beat it!"

 

As my high school BOCES autobody teacher would say when you'd get dirt or bugs in your paint job, "Kill it with some paint".

When you got a run in the paint he'd say, "Jesus crap, you'll never see it from the bridge."

 

One of my ol' man's favorite sayings..."It's gooder'n syrup!".

 

Holy cow what's wrong with you ?

Ahh, the old lady got out of bed this morning, she got on her menstrual cycle and ran my ass over.

What?

She starts that thing up and all you can hear is (make HARLEY DAVIDSON motor sounds) NAG NAGNAG NAG NAGNAG NAG NAGNAG which is bad enough. But when she takes off on that thing it always wide open - bbbBBBBIIIIITCHHH - NAG - BaB-IIIIITCHHH-NAG - BaB-IIIITCHHH, NAG BaB-IIIIITCHHHHHHHH NAG NA BIIIIITCHHHH.

It's much better if you hear it, but if your read it out loud you should get the idea. Go on you know you want to.

 

A few more.

F'ed up like a football bat (former coworker).

Why are the slowes't vehicles the loudest? (me, usually about some fart can equipped ricer, or a beater newer pickup).