The Jalopy Journal
Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Imperial Kustom, May 4, 2012.
thanks, Dad would've been proud
That thing wouldn't pull a wet string out of a chicken's ass.
Runnin' round like a head with his chicken cut off !
Think I saw it in a magazine, "It has less sack than a neutered cat".
These are from my Grandpa..
"Hold that plug wire and tell me if you feel anything..." he got all of us grandkids with that one!
"That's a goin' Jessie!"
"Well, guess you best unfuck it now that you fucked it up..."
"Boy, you did a number on that sumbitch!"
He had others, but they're too racy for this site
Favorite of my dad "You don't know the differance between sheep shit & arbuckles coffee"
Once a king always a king
Once a night is enough
4 doors should only be on a garage
F.O.R.D. found on road dead ; fix or repair daily
.."the only thing wrong with your car is the nut behind the wheel"
Suprised I haven't read every local gearhead's favorite line growing up.
"That thing took off faster than a raped ape."
As a teenager that conjoured up some disturbing images.
A quote from the old "Cars" magazine
correspondent, the infamous Seymour
Balz, after road testing the new '71
Ford Pinto - "Pinto Minto, Zippo Junko!"
Walking through the bodyshop at Ford, when I overheard this little tid-bit
Mechanic: Do you have a tool set?
1965 Mustang owner: Yeah!
Mechanic: Well, I think you need a new one.. cos yours ain't working!
Not sure if any of these have been used yet but I used to work with an old machinist and he had a few.....
When cutting Stoody overlays..."This shit is harder than a whores heart"
and when trying to break something tight loose..."This things tighter than a cows ass in fly season."
This thread reminds me of a couple:
"Glad I'm wearing tall boots 'cause it's getting deep around here."
(As you raise your arm up)"Save your watches boys, it's too late for your boots."
You might want to see a therapist uuuuhhh Mr monkeyspunk.
I think its still with you !
"IF,IF,IF" ....Well if your Aunt had balls, she'd be your Uncle!
(use this one when you're tired of your buddy saying "If I had this cam or that set of gears.....")
When explaining something that is quite difficult to do, I say " It's like picking your nose with a pair of bowling balls....it CAN be done, but it ain't pretty!"
That boy could fuck up a steel ball in a padded room
Nothing is foolproof to a talanted fool
My Stepdad, to my brother.. How come you have time to do it twice, but not enough time to do it right??
Buisier than a set of booster cables at an (insert ethnic group) funeral
That thing wouldn't scatter shit with a shovel
One foot on a banana peel, the other in the twilight zone.
Put that Bob Marley tape in, we got bodywork to do..
"That sucks like a new GF"
This could be good or bad
Poor Old N Thinks Its A Cadillac
A few more Dick Johnson lines, all these went live to air from 'Race Cam' while DJ was at the wheel of one of his race cars, during the race. One of the very few drivers that could be at 10 Tenths at the wheel and still be chatting and pulling some very funny one liners out.
These were all used to describe poor handling cars live on Race Cam.
"I'm working harder than a dog trying to dig through a marble floor!"
"Mate, I'm busier than a one legged bloke at an arse kicking contest!"
"It handles like a dog on lino!" (Tiles)
'This is about as much fun as biting the leg off a chocolate frog".
After blowing the turbo on a Sierra,
"This thing wouldnt pull a drunken sailor off your sister!"
Signing off and handing over to the race commentators at Bathurst while at full speed on Conrod,
"And now it's back to Mick Raymond in the Central Missionary Position"................
Commenting on the poor qualities of a Mustang at Bathurst (I think 85).
"I suppose Boris Becker couldnt win Wimbledon with a ping-pong bat either could he?"
Larry Perkins was pretty good for the odd comment as well,
“Fuckin in or fuckin out its one fuckin word” - Went to air on Race Cam while trying to find out if he should come in and pit.
Two things I said out loud in high school while in a car:
"Get a grip, we're going for it."
"I don't think that truck is going to stop" said casually as my friend was in the process of backing out onto a 45 mph road while a tanker semi bore down on us.
That one made me famous but the guy who was driving that car is now the president of a company and he apparently uses the first quote all the time in meetings and such.
Reminds me of another machinist favorite, used to describe a good precision job: "Fits like a cock in a widow".
"A gallon of gas and some more highway."
From my ole buddy, Bur.
Too bad his burgina ain't around no mo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"Hey mister, is that a Tucker?" My response - " yes, but it's spelled with an F.
My dad's favorite was "Dumber than 8 different kinds of cat shit." and or
"Your intelligence must be a well kept family secret" (meaning me, most of the time. LOL)
One of my dad's favorites, "He wouldn't know if his asshole's punched or bored."
One from a buddy. "My wife asked why I never dance with her. I said I'd give it a try if her tits were on her back."
Source unknown. "He couldn't drive a soapy bone up a dog's ass".
Reminds me of another DJ quote, I can't remember who it was or where back in the early 80s but DJ had just been punted off the race track and was being interviewed. His comment about the driver that hit him.......
"That dopey bastard couldnt drive a greasy stick up a dead dogs arse!"
I seen a guy with one of those dumb trucker's ball cap that has the stupid sayings on them. I say, "Where did you get that hat?", he says uh at some truck stop, "I say I wish I had 2 just like it", he goes uh why? "I say so I could shit in one and cover it up with the other!"
"Get Outta' My Garage"
One I've used often, although I don't think it's an original saying...
"Brakes, they only slow you down"
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