Favorite one liners as told by gearheads

This is from Ted Foltz... A hill climb legend and all around amazing guy who still works out at the gym I go to. He's cool as hell. His car was on display in the airport here in the Springs and when you ask him what he did he will say he drove cars.
I gotta set the stage first... It's 5am Ted is in the Gym on the bench press...
He's a tough old dude....
So a guy comes in raving about Monster breaking 10 minutes on the Pikes Peak Hill Climb...."Did ya see the youtube video?? etc.."

Ted sits up.... Looks at the guy says, "Paved road, guard rails.....buncha pussies." Goes right back to the bench.

 

Looking at others exposed electrical work we ask where in the specs does it say: "hammer to fit and paint to match".

My grandfather used to call me "blister" he said I always showed up after all the work was done.

 

he's so good he can weld bird shit to a windshield

 

Not sure if these have been mentioned...

When my dad was working on something and it was close to adjustment....(timing, or carb) he would say....."just a RCH to the left...(red cunt hair) cause they are so fine.

When shifting a bad linkage manual tranny....as driving

"stirring a bowl of oatmeal"...

 

Four on the floor and a 5th under the seat!!

 

He's busier than a rabbit with two dicks on crack cocaine and viagra
Welders do it in all positions
If that don't work, get a bigger hammer
Fuck it, duct tape it and go!

 

"Every sticker adds 5 horsepower"
-me (sarcasm)

 

I`ve always said; you can marry more money in 5 minutes than you can earn in a lifetime.

 

Neat and gaudy, like a bulls ass sewn up with bike chain.

 

Dick,my neighbour once said'' if he was on fire,i'd only piss on him if i was piss'n petrol''

 

"If he was any dumber we'd have to water him twice a week"...Safari-Wagon

"You have the right to remain silent, so use it"....theHIGHLANDER

"If bullshit was money you'd be a billionaire"....unknown

"That's not as hard to do as he makes it look"...to a supervisor one day

A very hot lookin girl that worked in the office was walking by, all of about 21yrs old. As I commented, my pal John says "Shame on you Jocko! That's someone's daughter!" "You're right, but come to think of it I been doin my father-in-law's daughter for near 20yrs." He was speechless...

Whille watching someone struggle with getting a part out of a car, "Anything I can say to help?" from my racin buddy James Newman.

While tuning for a lower ET, Mr. Know-it-all comes up and says, "Where's the cam at?" My reply, "I think it's right in there somewhere", pointing to the motor. He'd just learned how to check cam timing. Another one from Newman.

"You know the rules, you chase you race." After losing a street race to a 'red light'.

 

My dad always used to say "Your slower than owl shit, give me the wrench so it gets done in minutes instead of days" Good times.

 

My uncle told my this. I was liftin something heavy. That kid can break an anvil with a rubber mallet.

 

My car has 240 air. "2 windows down at 40 MPH"
The only thing wrong with your car is the "loose nut behind the wheel"
If it does not fit get a bigger hammer
After missing a gear in a drag race the tranny is now a "syncro mess"
She cann't go any faster, "I'm pedaling as fast as I can"
To a young guy ...."hand me the left handed cresent wrench"
Don't worry son you will sell pile of junk "there is an ass for every seat"

 

that woman's got a pair of hams on her you couldn't smoke with a fkn forest fire! anon

 

Speed kills, play it safe, buy a Ford.

 

Posted on the wall of our shop.
IF ITS A HOT ROD
THERE ARE NO RULES
Once told to me by a friend , BOB LEE
IT NOT HOW FAST YOU GO
ITS HOW YOU GO FAST
- SPEEDYS GARAGE-

 

From my dad when i was young. Don't quiver your liver...

 

That's good!
I'm looking forward to a hill climb on the Apache Trail in AJ Arizona.
No guard rails there !!

 

On my tool box.

"I Cherish my tools like you cherish your wife.

Stay out of my drawers and I'll stay out of hers."


Also.........

"Only two things require full penetration. One of them is welding."

 

I told my buddy (who refuses to listen to anybody's suggestions),
This is your dream, we're just in it.

 

" I bet if it had fur around it you could hit it"...

 

That's a good one, goes along with one of my favorites
" its your baby, you rock it"

 

(When dealing with most anything electric especially electric motors) I had a teacher tell us that "All electric motors run on magic smoke, once you let the smoke out they no longer work."

Many years ago I worked at Lowe's and one night just before we closed I was talking to one of the old guys on the night stocking crew when a smokin hot woman came on to the aisle where we were and when I pointed her out to the guy (in his 60's) He looked back at me and said "Damn, I'd lick her P*$$y so fast it'd smell like a burnt clutch!"

 

My favorite is from Richard Pryor...

" When you on fire, people get outchur way. "

 

Make it three yards, motherfucker, and we'll have us an automobile race.

 

Some years ago, during the re-start of a NASCAR race at Talladega, Gentleman Harry Gant was positioned about mid pack when someone near the front of the huge pack got spun and began immediately collecting other cars. Harry backed off to avoid the carnage but was hit from behind, sending him spinning up the banking, tapping the wall pretty hard, then spinning in the opposite direction down toward the inside of the track, all the while missing other cars and being missed by those behind him. It was an amazing spectacle of a dozen or so near misses, although Harry’s car was sufficiently pranged in the first hit with the outer wall that he parked it behind the pit wall for the day.

Harry was hardly out of the car when a pit reporter collared him for an interview, praising Harry’s skillful driving avoiding the inevitable subsequent collisions. “Shoot,” said Harry, “I just sat there waiting for it to do something I recognized.”

Mike

 

"Looks like it was painted with a live chicken,polished with a brick and buffed with a pine cone".

 

"Grab your ass with both hands and jump up and down".
After a few years of that we quit askin the neighbor if we could help.

 

THATS LIKE JACKING OFF THE DOG TO FEED THE CAT! My old Mans favorite, When he would see guys fucking off in the shop!