HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought. METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off. PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. ADJUSTABLE PLIERS (or CHANNELLOCKS): Used for making spectacular blood blisters on the palm of your hand. AIR RACHET: Excellent for pinning your hand up against a fender while simultaneously trapping the air lever, keeping the pinning pressure on BREAKER BAR: Great for snapping in two those stubborn wheel studs
Grandpa usta say "You take care of your tools and they will last a lifetime." Well I still have a lot of Grandpas tools, because I dont use them, they just hang on the wall and look pretty (tired) because when I need a screwdriver I use a cheapie because they bugger up their tips only two screws faster than the "good" screwdrivers do. Files, screw drivers and chisels are all expendables, just like drill bits and sandpaper. "Cean and oil your files and they will last forever." Bull shit, they get dull just like any cutting tool, only you can't reasonably sharpen one like you can your Buck knife. When they get dull, toss them out and buy some more. they don't cost much more than sand paper anymore anyway, and you sure don't "clean and properly store" a use piece of sandpaper do you? (well not for long anyway, and not for color sanding.)
[ QUOTE ] ...when I need a screwdriver I use a cheapie because they bugger up their tips only two screws faster than the "good" screwdrivers do... [/ QUOTE ] which for me is usually only three screws at best... i just dont understand... they pry open paint containers, work great as chisels, pry bars and scrapers... but then they dont fit on a screw head anymore Probably why ive got two drawers in my roll-away chock full of screwdrivers, and only like 4 of them will turn a screw.
Remember; Every tool in the box is a Hammer, except the screwdrivers, those are chisels. Don't believe this? Watch your wife.
There must be a woman's only technical academy that teaches them how every tool is multi- use.I think that it's sponsored by the tool companies.
Actually the hammer is primarily used for whacking the 'Beaner in the hand, normally its a 4 pound hammer although a claw hammer will do if all youre aiming for is the thumb. Just ask the Raven.
You must work in the broke back garage. remind me to never help you build. I would much rather be whacked on the hand with a hammer as whacked in the eye with yogurt.
The Jalopy Journal
