Rules to live by when workin on your Rod

Ask around and get everybody elses' opinion. Follow OPs advice to the letter. You don't want to have a car that you personally like.

 

Made me think of my brother... When trying to pull start your newly acquired 56 Ford - 1: don't think about how overdrives freewheel while engaged. 2: Don't check to see if brakes work. 3: Don't tell wife driving your new van that when you start gaining on her not to speed up to 40mph.

 

when something does not go as planned, don't forget to consult the problem-solving flow chart:

 

No contest you Win hands down !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you caused me to get beer up and out of my nose.

 

In a pinch 1/4-20 bolts work well as replacement fuses. They also help you find where the short is, just look for where the smoke leaks out......

 

Don't worry about that pile of oily rags - just go have a beer with your buddies. Fires only happen to other people, so you've got nothing to worry about.

 

When swapping out that old rusted out gas tank, don't worry about replacing the old straps, I'm sure they're fine...

 

And they don't need lock washers!

 

when your cutting anything always use the buddy system, cut towards your buddy not your body.

 

this is for my buddy Gene, god rest his soul,the smokes got im'.

When trying to pour gas in that carb,always use a five gallon can, then pour it while you tell your buddy to "hit it" ,make sure you look straight down in the thing,don't want unevenly burned off eyebrows. also when you drop that burning gas can,make sure you run back and pick it up. don't want to burn up your POS eighties rustang.

Another one for him,

chicken wire makes great motor mounts, don't worry about those fluid lines hanging on the ground, it will all leak out eventually, don't worry about the exaust pipe ending under the passenger seat, all the exaust in the car will be sucked out the other holes.

 

That flow chart killed me!

 

Yep, oldie but a goodie.

 

Always stand close to the fender when checking to see if that really is a plug wire dangling from your running engine!
You'll be suprised how far you can jump backwards!
Do this in the dark so your watching friend can "see the light!"

 

This is a serious one, use fucking adequate jack stands, and never just use a jack. We learned this one the hard way,

R.I.P Max Allen Crossland, 06/15/90 - 06/18/08

 

Okay, you got a '51 Caddy that needs to be push started. Because of the auto trans, they don't catch until about 30 mph. Your push car is a '57 Ford with no front bumper. The smart thing is to sit on the caddy trunk to make sure your buddy doesn't mash up the Ford radiator. Yeah, I did. I remember sliding down the round Caddy trunk when Dennis gunned it, and seeing the Ford looking REAL BIG in flashes as I tumbled down the street. When doctors ask if I ever had any head injuries I just laugh.

Oh yeah ... don't mess with pussy brake line flaring tools. Just bell the lines out with a #2 Phillips head screwdriver.

 

Teach your 3-year old son how to use a rattle can.

I've got a partially red wheelbarrow, car trailer, window screen and AC condensor to prove that my boy is a fast learner.

 

Always use the 5 gallon pail upside down to get a close look under the hood of the pick-up ....your squashed nuts will thank you when it kicks out!

 

If you spill a pint of gasoline down the front of your coveralls and standing next to a 5 gallon full gas can, just remember your zippo will dry it the fastest....saves on laundry!!!
---> Actualy watched this one.....observing is a little difficult as you're shittin your pants running.

 

If you cut it too short, you can weld it back on.
Cut it too long and you're screwed!!

 

when faced with another sleepless night in the garage, close the doors and windows so not to wake neighbors and then just listen to your exhaust.

 

Castle nuts are for sissy's. Who needs a carter pin.

You do NOT need a seperate fuel pump for the nitrous.

Drive shaft shop my ass! I can weld that thing up just fine.

Forged pistons are WAY to expensive...

Wheel Chocks are for Soft Cocks!!! (Classic)

Just touch it to the ground......

Pump gas will work... Right?

You can leave at 6500 rpms no problem....

Just go around the outside (in my radio from the pits)

Clear outside (also from the pits) Dammit!

Drive shaft loops are also for sissy's!!!

 

Be sure to use a bucket turned upside down on the seat of a chair for a step ladder when reaching for that special part on the top shelf.

 

A 5 gal. bucket will work just fine for the test drive on your wife's '68 396/375 Camaro build. Don't worry about those trees......

Carburetor return springs are for pussies!

Steering shafts do not need to be tied to the frame. Just go for a test drive.... It will be ok.

Welded spider gears are OK in the rain. Just apply more throttle.

Velocity stacks are good in the rain. Even better if they are turned forward.

Slicks are also the BEST in the rain.

Straight shift cars are BEST if you are learning how to weld.

 

when changin sparkplugs, leave wrench on intake under carb linkage for safe keepin. also works well to test out the high rpm shifts, and you fathers control of bodily funtions!!!!!!!!!

 

1.When you find that nut is on good and tight, make sure that when the incorrect or rounded off spanner slips off, that something with a nice sharp edge is in the way, so it can remove a nice piece of flesh from your hand just after you've been applying maximum torque to it.
Bonus points if the part you hit has 40 years of gunk buildup on it, so if you don't die of blood loss, you'll get a real neat infection.
2.Make sure when starting a SB chev on the ground you position it so the fuel leaking from the carb inlet flows back toward the distributor, this will give your workshop a warm festive glow.
3.NEVER wear safety glasses when putting those springs on your headlight buckets and make sure your'e pulling TOWARDS your face as the pointy nose pliers slip off the end of the spring-it's really cool showing people your iris through the hole in your eyelid , even better you can cheat when playing hide and seek.
4. ALWAYS stop the bench grinder with your figertip, it's kinder to the wheel and doe'snt clog it.

 

When installing a 'temporary' tv antenna for your shop tv make sure while drilling a hole in the pipe above your head to get the metal shavings in your right eye-this way while driving home from the emergency room with a patch on your right eye when you tell your wife she is driving to close to the curb she has sweetly refrained from telling you what a moron you really are right up until then.......

 

Yeah I know emergency rooms are for wussies. Those scratches you put on your eyeball trying to get the shavings out with a shop rag well eventually heal on their own.
MERRY CHRISTMAS fellow HAMBers

 

Make sure to use the drill with a shitty chuck when drilling holes in a frame. That way it will deposit your $45 uni-bit in the frame rail like a time capsule! Also make sure to not bother picking up those piles of shit you swept up! If you leave them on the ground you can kick them around and sweep them up again!

 

when underneath the car, ALways keep your mouth open.
espesially if you've drug it out of a feedlot...

 

on a serious note I use cigerettes as filter when painting small parts outside in 2k urethane, for acrylic laquer i only smoke in flash off times, the amount of thinners being atomised has to be flammable, but a bad habit i have i smoking while i clean the gun.
as for the beer i now only drink twist tops, i screw the lid back on everytime i drink, it stops grinding sparks landing in your beer, i hate getting the bits in my teeth. also if i feel too drunk i go and have a snack and get on the net for about 20 minutes then come back, it reduces the chance of stuffing things up.
i dont have a drill press vice, if the drill press is next to the car i stand in the path between the drill press and the car so any flying objects hit me instead, if there is a glove around i put one on my left hand to hold the peice, i still sometimes leave the chuck key in.
this time of the year here its too hot to weld with a shirt on but i still wear a mask.
i also wear safety glasses every time i use the twist knot cup brush on the grinder.
our work can be dangerous, ive only chucked a sicky 3 times in the last 3 years but all 3 times were due to power tool injuries at home.