old car jokes, lets hear em

Mexican guys calls the the police station and says:

"a homes! they stole my car!"

Policeman says, "ok well what kind of a car was it?"

"it was a 63 cheevie impala, candy red, white rag top even had tha dice in tha mirror, they stole it about 4 days ago....."

Policeman says: "4 days ago!! shit man that car is probably across the border by now!"

Homeboy says: "the border! those fucken canadians!!!

 

What do you call a man who has his arm stuck up the ass of a buggy pulling horse? An amish mechanic.

 

Here is something you car buffs probably didn't know.

The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed
the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn't know that, did ya...

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked
his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most
exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and
instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about
130, turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he
offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they
wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on
the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there
was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on
2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4
million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the
names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

 

Confuscious say:
Lady who conceive child in backseat of car with automatic transmission, raise shiftless bastard.

 

2 gals come out after lunch and find a flat tire on their car. One of them gets down and starts blowing on the tailpipe. the others says "what are you doing". She says "blowing up the tire". the other says "that won't work. You have to roll up the windows first".

 

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they're walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is?" The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole with no hesitation, and jump in headfirst.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there", says the farmer, "You fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter says "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said... "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!"

 

Those show up on eBay every once in a while - item number 310042730361 is a guy with a few sealed decks!

~Jason

 

A man's car broke and he walked 20 miles to the nearest house. There was an old man in a rocking chair on the porch. There were about 20 kids in the yard, climbing trees, swinging, playing in the dirt. The man says to the old man, you got a monkey wranch? The old man replies no sir this here's a daycare.

 

Rastus & Liza Jane are out for a walk on a country road one Sunday afternoon,
They are all enamored with each other and descide to do what comes natural
between a horny pair...They are in the middle of the road all engrossed in the matters at hand and an old farmer just happens to come down that same country road..He sees something up ahead in the road and starts blowing his horn..got no response and comes sliding up to within two feet of the copulating couple,jumps out starts yelling,"didnt you see me coming and blowind my horn?" Rastus looks up and says "Isa comin,Lisa's a comin,youse a comin,and you the only one with brakes."

 

What are the positions on a Lucas headlamp switch?























Dim & Flicker

 

Why do the British drink warm beer?























They have Lucas refridgerators

 

More Lucas humor...


The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas denies having invented darkness. But they still claim "sudden, unexpected darkness"

Lucas--inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas--inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three-position Lucas switch--DIM, FLICKER and OFF.

The other three switch settings--SMOKE, SMOLDER and IGNITE.

Lucas dip-switch positions: LOW and BLOW

The original anti-theft devices--Lucas Electric products.

"I've had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never experienced any prob...

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start either.

Did you hear about the Lucas powered torpedo? It sank.

It's not true that Lucas, in 1947, tried to get Parliament to repeal Ohm's Law. They withdrew their efforts when they met too much resistance.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night, since they all look the same?" "He replied, it doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens!"

Back in the '70s Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which didn't suck.

Quality Assurance phoned and advised the Lucas engineering guy that they had trouble with his design shorting out. So he made the wires longer.

Why do the English drink warm beer? Lucas made the refrigerators, too.

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.
Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb.
Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times sunwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant."

Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.

How to make AIDS disappear? Give it a Lucas parts number.

Recently, Lucas won out over Bosch to supply the electrical for the new Volkswagens. So, now the cars from the Black Forest will come with electrics supplied by the Lord of Darkness -- how appropriate!

Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices.

 

Below is a copy of an advice column titled "Dear Walter"...


Dear Walter : I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for
work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't
gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the
car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with
the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been
married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and
admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six
months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and
worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the
ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling
and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?





Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila : A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be
caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that
there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum
pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that
the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the
carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.
-Walter

 

My car is so old it has two sets of plates

UPPER and LOWER

 

An old lady was driving through Dallas down the middle of the freeway at 35 miles per hour durring rush hour. Cars were swerving left and right to miss her. A cop finally pulled her over. He informed her the minimum speed limit was 45mph. She pointed and said, "But that sign right there says 35!" The cop looked at the sign and said, "That's the highway number, ma'am, not the speed limit." About that time, the cop spied the old lady's husband, passed out in the back seat. "What's wrong with him?" he asked. She explained, "We just came from Fort Worth on highway 183."

 

A lady whos husband has been dead for 2 years goes to the grocery store. The bag boy is a good looking young guy and the widow is lonely(horney) She is grinding up against him on the way out the door and rubbing his back as he enters the parking lot. The lady wispers in his ear in her sexiest voice "I've got an itchy pu$$y" to which he replys "Your gonna have to point it out lady, all them Japanese cars look the same to me!"

 

That joke reminds me of the time one of my dads mares was having a colt and the head was coming out first.

 

Question: Why did Santa Anna only bring 6000 solders to the Alamo?









he only had two pick-ups..............

 

and one set of jumper cables

 

not car related, but funny......


The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "KemoSabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it
Tells me there are millions of galaxies. Time wise, it
appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Thelogically, the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it
tell you, Tonto?"

"You dumber than buffalo. Someone stole tent."

 

A pro golfer on his way to a tournament in his new 59 Caddy stops for gas in a hillbilly town. The gas jockey was really impressed with the car. As he was paying up he reached for change and had a couple of golf tees in his hand with the coins. Gas guy asks "What are those?" "Tees", he replies. "What do you do with them" asks the gas guy. Pro replies "you rest your balls on them when your driving." Gas guy exclaims " WOW these new Caddies got everything."

 

The British would have been the first nation to market computers to the masses. Only problem?













They couldn't find a way to make it leak oil.

 

A guy is speeding over a bridge and finds a radar cop on the other end. The cop pulls him over and asks................. "What's your hurry?"
Driver; I'm a bit late to work.

Cop; While writing the ticket asks........."What kind of work do you do?"

Driver; "I'm a rectum stretcher"

Cop; "What in the world is a rectum stretcher?"

Driver; "Well, I start by inserting one finger and then slowly insert another until I have my whole hand in and then I start with one finger on my other hand and keep adding fingers until I have both hands in the recrum. Then I slowly stretch it out until it's about 6 feet!"

Cop; "What in the world do you do with a 6 foot ass hole?"

Driver; I give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge!"

 

Microsoft should make cars, GM should make software:
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating the following: "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would be driving cars with the following characteristics:​

• For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day. ​
• Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car. ​
• Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would accept this, restart, and drive on. ​
• Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart; in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. ​
• Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought 'Car95' or 'CarNT.' Then you would have to buy more seats. ​
• Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was more reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. ​
• The oil, water, temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single 'general car fault' warning light. ​
• New seats would force everyone to have the same back-end size. ​
• The airbag system would say 'Are you sure?' before going off. ​
• Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna. ​
• GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50 per cent or more. ​
• Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. ​
• You'd press the 'Start' button to shut off the engine. ​

​

 

If all the cars in the United States were placed end-to-end, it would probably be Memorial Day Weekend...

What not to say to the nice policeman...​

• I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. ​
• Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. ​
• Aren't you the guy from the Village People? ​
• I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. ​
• Bad cop! No doughnut! ​
• You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? ​
• Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. ​
• Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops? ​
• So, uh, you on the take or what? ​
• Gee, Officer! That's terrific! The last officer only gave me a warning, too! ​
• Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. ​
• What do you mean, "Have I been drinking? You're the trained specialist!" ​

When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local motor vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The woman beside him peered over his shoulder, then reassured him, "It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."​

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? --- George Carlin

 

When I was younger I worked in a garage,and this old farmer I knew walked in one day and asked if we had any round 12 volt batteries.
I replied no,I have never heard of one,what does it go in?
He said I want to stick it up my bulls ass to see if I can get his horns to blow. apparently it was a old joke and I fell for it

 

ZERK! good ones, although i dont know much about british machinery,, i still love laughing at a nation of people for whatever reason it may be

 

From Indian motorcycle owners to HD owners:

Here comes Harley Davidson.
Looks like it's made of tin.
Ride it out, push it in!

Shawn

 

So this Cadilliac salesman is having a hard time selling cars so he starts going door-to-door.

Well, he rolls up to this farmhouse where he finds a skinny 8-year old boy sitting on the porch.
"Go fetch yer paw, boy, cause I'm gonna sell him a Cadillac!" he says.
The boy says " We don't need any. We got 12."
The kid takes the salesman out to the ban and show him that its full of Caddys.
"Where'd these come from?" asked the salesman.
"I won them" says the kid.
"HOW?"
"Well I bet Cadilliac salesmen that I can do something they can't." The kid stated.
The salesman looks the kid over and decides hat there isn't ANYTHING that the kid can do he can't. He says so.
The kid looks at him and says "I'll bet you your choice from the barn against a brand new Caddy I can!"
"You're ON!"
So the kid runs outside and the salesman follows.
The kid runs around the barn with the salesman right behind him, feeling more and more confident.
The kid runs around the house. The salesman follows.
The kid runs into the house and upstairs...the salesman 2 paces behind all the way.
The kid runs into his sisters bedroom. His sister is 18, Beautiul and NEKKID!
The kid runs around her bed, and the salesman runs around her bed all the time checking out this georguos babe.
The kid sits on the edge of the bed and so does the salesman.
The kid reaches out and tickles one of his sisters nipples. The salesman tickles the other.
The salesman looks over and the kid has his weiner out and has it wrapped around his finger.
The salesman says "Do you want 2 door or a 4 door?"

 

What is the difference between a Dodge and a Jehovas witness?






You can shut the door on a Jehovas witness!