funny things to say, words you use

Another one that came to mind:

" Shiverin' like a chiuahua shittin' razorblades."

 

Let's see...

Got this from the boss:
"Fit to be tied" -meaning pissed off but everytime she says it I picture her hog tied and I gotta laugh.

Got these from pops and always said very dead-pan:
"Want in one hand 'n shit in the other and see which one fills up faster"-whenever I said I wanted something
"Well suck the shit outta my asshole"- usually when someone cut him off mid-sentence
"cock-suckin-mother-fuckin-piece of shit"-usually said through clinched teeth when working on the cars or bikes and something goes terribly wrong.
"What a cluster-fuck"-generally when something is all messed up or in traffic and people are driving with their heads up their asses.
Pops was coached by Alabama Crimson Tide legend Bear Bryant and often used these terms when coaching Pop Warner football refering to his team..."piss ants", "candy ass", "does your mama still wipe your ass shitheel?", and my favorite "why don't you ride the pine and suck your mamas tit for a bit." He was know for slapping his metal whistle on the kids helmets when he was pissed.

 

heard a new one today in reference to high prices

That thing costs more than a bowl of Bald Eagle stew

 

from GL,
Did you say boy or Roy ?
You'd better smile when you say that.

 

I just stole this one (Sorry ferg)

"there I was, Knee deep in a midgets ass"

 

Dick Nose!

 

Don't steal more log chain than you can swim with.

 

Coupla these prolly already been said-sorry; I got CRS disease.
Yer in Deep Shit, Boy !
Asshole deep in alligators
Couldn't pour piss outn a boot with directions on the heel
Stomp a mudhole in yer ass, an' stomp it dry agin
Colder'na witches tit (that's true right now !!)
Dryer'na popcorn fart
Piss Off !
Finer than frog hair
His/her elevator don't go all the way to the top
Busier than a cat cover'n shit on a tin roof in a Texas windstorm
Happy like you've got good sense
Slicker'n snot on a doorknob
Weaker'n a scalded cat
Can't pull a greased stick out of a sick dog's ass
Yer die'n ass
Shit or git off the pot
Uglier than a mud fence speckled with tadpoles
So horny the crack of dawn ain't safe
Got the drizzlin' shits
Is that worse than the heartbreak of psoriasis? (Edith Bunker, All in the Family)

 

hehe good ones! I'm giggling in the cubicle at work. Now, they'll KNOW I'm nuts.

 

NOTHING VENTURED NOTHING LOST!

 

I Wouldn't Slam the Shithouse Door That Hard

IFL - It is the Federal Law (You Haft To Hire The Handicap)

BOHICA - (Bend Over Here It Comes Agin)

Wouldn't that Frost Ya - When things go bad.

Built Like a Brick Shithouse or I'll Bet She Has Muscle In Her Shit - About a good Looking Babe

A guy at work was always saying F**** You. when he would say that, I started telling him your homosexial tendencies was showing. After about three times telling him that He quit saying it.

Close Enough for Goverment Work

Beat & Bash to Fit & Paint to Match

Slower Than Molasses I Feburary.

Don't Let The Door Hit You In The Ass As You Leave

Take Your Time Going, But Hurry Back

If You Don't Like My Driving Stay Off The sidewalk

 

Bondo and paint, makes a car what it AIN'T!

 

Harder than a whore's heart. A couple sandwiches short of a picnic. Not all his dogs are barking

 

I just remembered two stickers on my tool box.

Hard work never hurt anyone...but why take chances.

I own Hell. My wife gave it to me.

Stu

 

i'm gonna slap you so hard your name's gonna fall outta the phone book!
and my dad's favorite- ya fuckin honyock!

 

As useless as a bucket full of dicks
about as senseless as a snake with hips
one armed painter with crabs

 

A buddy of mine said this one day and got me rolling pretty good. That fucker's happier than a faggot with a bag o dicks

 

1.Well ain'y that some shit.2.shit faced drunk3.how about a home brew(beer)4.like throwing a hot dog down a hallway5.what are you gonna do whip my ass6.you ain't a shittin5.when someones lying to you, pretend to sneeze, then say"sorry im allergic to bullshit"

 

dont let the door hit ya where the good lord split yahave a cigar your gonna go far

 

honyock, i know some boys up in alder point that always say that

 

"busier than a cat covering shit on a hot tin roof."

"cat fur to make kitten britches" reply when "whats that" is a stupid question.

"talking to hear their head roar"
"nuttier than squirrel shit"
"horny as a two peckered goat"

 

it`s been that way since christ was a cowboy

 

My grandfather (from Little Dixie in Missouri) had some odd expressions.

"These pants are like a cheap hotel-no ballroom."

"Having him on the job is like two good men gone."

"Drunk as a hoot-owl"

"This thing's as tangled as a hurrah's nest."- meaning a mess of rope, wire, etc.

"Fell out of a ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

"Got a look on his face like he was weaned on a pickle."

We were driving somewhere once and he saw a fat women walking along the road and said: "That ole gal's got a butt like a sack of doorknobs."

 

she is as "ugly as a bag of assholes"

 

Funniest one i ever heard, used to work with an older Black lady, She was just great and her favorite saying was " thats cleaner than a broke dick dog" Couldn't ever figure it out so i asked her one day and she explained it to me, got something to do with dogs ability to lick their wounds.........

 

You couldn't find you asshole with two hands and a road map!

 

When you try to have sex after drinking "too much" -

It's like trying to shove a marshmellow in a parking meter.

 

more fucked up than a football bat

that's closer than one is to two

w a p ( referance to nuts, bolts etc)...from ford, "with attaching parts"

Does a fat dog fart when you kick it in the side? ... refer to an obvious answer

 

When I was in my teens I heard my dad describe my mom as being "build like a brick shit-house."

I did not understand that one so I asked what that meant. He explained a brick shit house is the best build shit house you could have...simply put.

 

My good buddy always says.....F#ck em all, feed em stew, steak and eggs for me and you!