So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

Yeah it's really old; I heard it told during the Nixon administration where the handwriting was Pat (Nixon) and the urine was Kissinger's !

 

i think i've heard it during every administration at least as far back as nixon; always the president's wife's handwriting and the urine always traced to a political adversary of the president. still funny, though.

 

This guy pulls up to the bar in a brand new cadillac convertible, he walks in the bar and has a hundred dollar bill sticking out of his shirt pocket and a little man about 10" tall sitting on his shoulder. He tells the bartender, set them up, on me so the bartender gives everyone a drink and says that will be 25 dollars, the guy pulls out the hundred and another hundred pops up in its place, gives it to the bartender and says keep the change and keep them rounds coming. About then the little man on his shoulder jumps down on the bar, runs down the bar kicking drinks over, swinging at customers, cussing a blue streak, runs back and jumps back on his shoulder. This happened three or four times and finally the bartender said alright whats the story. The guy says, one nite I got drunk and passed out on the beach and this bottle washed up right to me. I thought it was a drink so I opened it up and this genie comes out and tells me that I have 3 wishes, anything I want. Well, I told him I never want to be broke again and so now I have as much money as I want, this hundred sticking out of my pocket when I pull it out another pops right up, as many as I want, 24/7. My next wish was I wanted a new cadillac every year for the rest of my life, and you can go look outside and see I have a brand new caddy convertible and every year I get a brand new one, top of the line. My 3rd and final wish was for a 10" prick.

 

Haha, you're both right. You must be as old as that joke, I know I am. I go back to JFK. We won't be able to tell it anymore when Hillary's president,,

 

Allright here's a new one my wife sent me..

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and
he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to
approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor "Stand about 40 feet away
from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she
hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see
what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for
dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from
his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Stan, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

 

Sure we'd still be telling that joke: It'll be Bill's urine, in the Bimbo-of-the-month's hand writing!

Brad

 

What do you call a hooker playing with herself?










Self employed.

 

There's this guy that has a problem. He has three girlfriends, a blonde, and brunette, and a redhead. He likes them all the same and he can only marry one. He decides to give each girl $1000 to see how she spends it. The blonde goes shopping and blows all the money on clothes for herself. The brunette goes shopping and spends $800 on herslef, and $200 on him. The redhead goes shopping and spends $500 on herself, $100 on him, and invests the rest. Which one did he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest tits.
CHAZ

 

A Texan was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently
with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river
well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you
have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet
fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The Texan looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Texan poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Texan.


"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Texas may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as
most. You smart ones have a good day.

 

What do women and hurricanes have in common?

When they come, they're wild and wet. But when they leave they take your house and car with them.

 

Actually bagpipes are an Egyptian invention.

 

There are are 5,000 women battered a day....Fuck, I've been eatin' mine plain!

 

A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.

Don 't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you. Here's how the scam
works:

Two seriously good-looking 18 or 19-year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping items into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 19th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets

 

Did ya hear about the scrawny Texan that went to Alaska?He came back a husky fucker...

 

What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

He get's taller.

 

Cop puls over a man suspected of driving while intoxicated...gives him the field test & determines that he is indeed drunk. Reads him his rights and finishes with" anything you say can and will be held against you"

The drunk guy looks at him and says......"TITS"

 

A cop is sitting in a parking lot across the street from a bar, waiting for the patrons to come out after Last Call.
5 minutes before close, a guy comes staggering out of the bar, obviously sloppy drunk. He walks up to a car, puts his keys in the door, but can't get in. He staggers over to another car, and tries the keys with the same result. Goes to a third car, drops his keys, bends over to pick them up, falls on his ass, sits there for a minute, gets up, puts the keys in the door and opens it up. He sits in the seat, and just stays there for a minute with his feet outside the car. By now it's Closing Time, and people are starting to come out of the bar and walk to their cars. A couple yell to him across the parking lot and ask if he's okay or if he needs a ride. He half raises his arm in reply and slurs "Nooo...I'm fiiiine, thanksh."
The whole time the cop is watching this, waiting for the drunk to close the door and drive out.
Pretty soon, the guy is the only car left in the lot. He closes the door, and waits a minute or two, just looking at the steering wheel. Finally, he puts the key in the ignition and starts the car. After gunning the engine a couple times, he puts the car in reverse, backs up about three feet, hits the brakes, backs up again a couple feet, hits the brakes, backs up a couple more feet, hits the brakes, turns on the headlights, drives forward a foot, hits the brakes, backs up and finishes his turn out of the parking space, then drives to the street. He puts on his turn signal, pulls out onto the street and starts down the road. The cop pulls out right behind him and hits the lights.

Pulling over, he rolls down the window and waits for the officer.
"Sir, can I see your license and registration please?"
"Certainly officer. Is there a problem?" the guy asks perfectly clearly.
"I observed you getting into your car back there in the parking lot. Have you had anything to drink tonight?"
"No sir. Not a drop; Coca-colas all night long." Again, perfectly clear, without a hint of slurring.
The cop asks him step out of the car and administers a field sobriety test, which the driver passes with flying colors. Confused, the cop gives him a field breath-alyzer test, which registers zero.
"Sir, you aren't slurring your speach, but I clearly heard you doing so when you were yelling to the other patrons in the parking lot. You passed the field sobriety test I administered, and you registered zero on the breath-alyzer, yet I observed you having tremendous difficulty getting into your car and driving out of the parking lot. Can you explain that?"

"Certainly officer. Tonight was my turn to be the designated decoy."

 

What sexual position produces the "Ugliest Baby"....??????

Go ask your Mom.....!!!!!

 

Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments. Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that!"

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds, "Your name came up seven times...."

 

salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian."
The salesman bought a ticket & sat down. There, under The Big
Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it.
Standing next to it was an old Italian.Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge
male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty
swings! The crowd erupted in applause & the elderly Italian was
carried off on their shoulders.
15 years later the salesman visited the same little town, found
the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't
Miss The Amazing Italian."
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing
his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated.
This time, however, instead of walnuts, 3 coconuts were placed
on the table.The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped
his pants & smashed the coconuts with 3 swings of his amazing
member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after
the show. You're incredible!" he told the Italian,"But I have to know
something. I saw your act 15 years ago & you were using walnuts.
Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be".

 

That's a good one!

 

This is the nastiest joke I know.

So this guy hooks up with a gal he meets in a bar. they go back to his place and proceed to do the dirty. They are laying in bed after.
"So, how was it, sweetie?" she asks.
"Well, frankly, kind of ..... rough" he replies
"Rough?"
"Yeah, like something was scraping on my pecker"
"hold on justa minute" she says and she goes into the bathroom
She comes back out, mounts him and rides him to a bucking finish.
"So, how was THAT?" she asks.
"GREAT, silky, slick, slip and slide. What did you do?"
"I scraped the scabs off "

 

The teacher is in front of the class and writes "urinate" on the black board. She turns to the class and asks, "Can anyone use this in a sentence"? Little Johnny is the only one to raise his hand. The teacher says, "Ok Johnny, please use this word in a sentence". Johnny gets up and says, " Teacher, urinate. But if you had bigger tits you would be a ten".

 

Why did God create women? To carry the siemen from bedroom to the toilet. An elderly Italian man was on his fire escape in New York, cooking a chicken on an old time, hand crank, rotisery and open flame. As he's turning the handle, a hippy walking down the sidewalk, smoking a joint, looks up at the old man and says. "Hey, old timer. The music stopped and your monkey's on fire!" What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full. What do you call the useless skin around a pussy? Woman. Did you hear about the Polish Lesbian? She loved men.

 

One sunny day in 2008, an old man approached the White House from across
Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and
meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't
reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and Said to the
same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton".

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is
not the President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very
same Marine, saying "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary
Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the Man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton
is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine; I just love hearing your
answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

 

Biker walks into a bar with a frog on his head. Bartender looks up and says 'where did you get that?' Frog says 'would you believe it started out as a wart on my ass?'

 

A bit of string walks in to a bar, climbs onto a stool and thumps the bar, 'One beer please bartender'
The bartender looks over and says,
"sorry we don't serve bits of string here"
So the bit of string walks out of the bar pissed off. He stops a passer by and asks him to tie him in knots and frey his ends.
After that he walks back into the bar, climbs up on a stool, thumps the bar and calls,
"One beer, Bartender"
The barman looks over and asks,
"Aren't you the bit of string I kicked out before?"
"No" replies the bit of string, "I'm a frayed Knot"


A blond sets out into the world to prove that not all blonds are dumb. On her very first day out in the world she happens to be passing some wide open paddocks where she spots another blond in a boat madly paddling. She shakes her head and thinks, I gotta do something about this dumb bitch.
So she stops the car, gets out and yells to her,
"If I could swim I'd come out there and slap you"


A woman is run over by a champion Drag Racer, who is at fault??
The champion Dragracer, he shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.

 

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two pickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You miserable bitch you've ruined my life!"

 

Credit goes to ROCKY for this one. Thanks, man... my mom thought it was funny...


Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.

She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting flowers?"

The redhead says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations, after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my
legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"



JOE

 

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there
was abig brass gong and a mallet.

"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an
ear-shattering thump, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, You
a$$hole...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"