Ok how about a HOOTERS theme car? It has to have nice big round firm uh Headlights and a nice round, um! oh! Where was I??? Oh yeah we were talking about cars right????
Hey bro, my ancestors were real pirates off the highlands of Scotland...hence the name. But we gotta do the milk truck. Ok, how about some cameos from the top comedians as we build a Good Humor truck? And they gotta be the really angry ones with issues and shit! I still wanna be the nasty fab guy. But I paint too so...maybe I'll kick hemi's ass for sniffin my thinners all the time.
Now how are you gonna kick my butt when I've tied your laces together and epoxied your shoes to the floor while you were sleeping at the fab table? I'mma wake your snoozin' seff up with a firecracker and a yell and watch you bust your ass as you try to get up.... I can paint too... and I can weld, and do body work, and wiring, and mechanical stuff as long as it doesn't include running any Sunnen equipment, and some upholstery.... but I'll be so wrecked and yelling at Vaphead that none of that will matter. We have a "build crew" for the technical crap anyways.... Aaaaaaargh! I want an eye patch, and I want to raise it up when I get "serious" or are mean muggin' someone. I wanna build a two-story van with bunkbeds covered in fur, and put 15x12 Cragars on all four corners with a Nor-Cal wing.
Ok...i got my character...hardcore ,balls to the wall fabricator/painter/designer , who ,after an extended deep breath of Duraglass, turns into a masked car building maniac, ala "capt chaos" /Dom Delouise......which ,sadly, isnt much of a reach......
Jeez, seems like once you get a TV show, everyone is going to want a job working there. You're gonna be beating guys off with both hands. (now THAT would be a show)
Where did you get that top secret spy photo of the Ol' Skool Rodz project car???? You just can't keep anything from the prying eyes of the HAMB....
Y'all really need someone for TV drama? I can cause more trouble than an English soccer team on vacation in Thailand with a bellyfull of beer and viagra. regards, DJ
holy fuck i just choked on my beer! OCD...that really explains this all, doesn't it. i think it's the C for compulsive that really does it
Heck, I just play the part on the odd weekend. It's a great excuse to get bombed and harass people. The ruder you are, the more they seem to enjoy it.
Ok been working on the story board for the first episode. Close your eyes and see if you can picture this; Camera pans up from the street, shows a roll up door in a alley on the east side Of Commerece City (the rough side). I drive up in a lowered 63 Dart 4 door. Primer black red wheels and skinny whites. Oh yeah. When I step out from the passenger side front door, You hear I engine screaming ,like a weed wacker without a governor. Crap comes flying around the corner at the end of the alley. Hits the dip and tears the front spoiler off the 911 Porsche twin turbo hes driving. Skids to a stop. The tinted window rolls down just far enough for him to stick his head out. He has a bandage on his neck, I think to hide a sore. DUDE he shouts, a movie star wants you to build him a car. Uhhh? I say finishing my warm can of Coke. Brian Dennehy wants a Pirate rod ! Here is the deposit check, get it done in 4 days! He needs to drive it to the Movie premier this weekend. Bloodshot eyes, hat on backwards, a sly smirk. Kid Rock blaring ! (Napster is on board, we can use any music we want) HEMI rolls up in deep purple 1960 Cad. Beautiful car with a bad miss. Parks crooked behind the Dart. Still bouncing on its springs from hitting park when rolling, The drivers door opens and HEMI falls out amid 10-12 empty cans of Schmidt Ice. The gaggle of girls in the backseat started laughing. Looks like the entire second shift from Cherry dolls. HEMI,HEMI,I holler loud as I can with a Winston in my mouth. Get up, we got work to do! Camera two zooms up through the chain link fence. HEMI and I looking at the check. We need a plan to the board room says HEMI. I write get to work faukers with a sharpie on the man door. Leave the key in the lock. We are sitting in a booth in the lounge at Dennys. The girls are in a separate booth ordering drinks with umbrellas. Rrrrrr,I pirate you rod you say! Iiiii,a pirate rod matey! We have the crew to do it I say. Aint that the truth you landlubber says HEMI. But we dont even have a car to start with. RUSTRUSTLER downing a Michelob at the $1.00 Trivial Pursuit machine, Spins around and yaps, I know where there is a hot rod in a field. Fade to black, back to bright white inside the palatial shop. Overhead camera does one of those fancy spins.. HOTRODLADYCRUSR, hrlc for short. Is standing next to a giant CNC mill. She has on one of those suede welding bibs. On booth arms you can see the still Stinging fresh tattoos of the seven dwarfs. But they are all gothd up so its cool. A fresh batch of cookies is pulled from the carbon fiber curing oven. STEVIE GEE, rolls his wheelchair into the back of HRLC knees and she plops right into lap. The whole shop swarms over, SKAJ in his Diamond T-shirt and his boxers on the outside of his jeans. Camera three sweeps past a weed covered 1931 roadster highboy with 53b painted on the door. Pans up from the floor ,Im standing in the far corner of the shop by myself. Hands on my hips. I yell in my best Australian accent. Motha F***ers, Motha F***ers! Commercial break. Its for VANS shoes, cuz its all I wear and they just sent me a case of new ones.
You sir, are an excellent writer. I can almost taste the cookies. Allright now...the rest of you slackers....get back to work. What kinda circus you runnin' here?
Oh yeah, my kinda car.... can I grab a handful of the grass, smell it, and say "Dude, this is pure weed! (Lift up eye patch and close good eye) Do you know the street value of this whole car?" ala Better Off Dead? Then I can burp a wet, low rumbly burp and fall over backwards. Fade from black looking up, spandex groupies standing over me (Gratuitous cleavage shot) grabbing my arms and pulling me up giggling: "You didn't even spill your beer!" Fade to a Mickey's Malt Liquor commercial 'cause I'm sponsored.... Buzz-buzz, bitch!
I talked to Hormel chili since you put them on hold for ever, they called me and want to do a theme car involving the oscar meyer weiner mobile some budweiser and depends adult under garments. I told them we could get this on the street shortly with some dutch porn stars to promote it.
I was also thinking swaying their vote towards a caddy with a clear trunk lid and going with the dutch porn theme because a glass bottom boat sells chili like no other.
I'll be your mechanical design guy with a wierd attitude? You know kinda farside meets zippy the pin head. But ya gotta let me do most of my work from home.
PnB,you will be the go to guy,when the entire staff can't figure out how to ream bushings in a Ford spindle.(i was at lunch) (hrlc was busy working) Hemi and the groupies,rolled the roadster outside to wash it.Good time for the odd Baywatch style music video,spandex,high heels,soapy water,smoke. Red Hot Chilli Peppers? what song? I get to interview assistances today.
Give it Away Now. Mutt those girls are hot, tell them they can be on my Buzz -Bitches crew...(Sponsored by Mickey's) Get 'em changed, drunk, and into the Caddy asap.
hey now...i wear boxer briefs! gotta keep things supported, i get tired of the bruises above my knees
I think I see something coming together... Get Boyd to clean the toilet after Hormel chili cleans me out! And PnB'r can be on the speaker phone telling him how to use a bowl brush. I ain't gonna' touch that one! -bill
The Jalopy Journal
