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Art & Inspiration HAPPY FATHER'S DAY[car jokes}

Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by Flathead Dave, Jun 19, 2021.

  1. The two hippies pulled up to the stop sign, the one driving asked the other, anything coming that way man? The passenger said nothing but a dog, so they pulled out and WHAM! flipped them over on their top! The driver said "i thought you said there wasn't anything coming but a dog?" The passenger said "greyhound man...... greyhound"
     
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  2. moparboy440
    Joined: Sep 30, 2011
    Posts: 1,089

    moparboy440
    Member
    from Finland

  3. 55Belairretrorod
    Joined: May 2, 2013
    Posts: 129

    55Belairretrorod
    Member
    from Australia

    A group of snails are sitting around discussing what they'd buy if they won the lottery. One says, I'd buy a '73 Eldorado convertible and get a big S painted on the door and then drive up and down the street at 100 mph. Another says, why would you do that? So all the people in the street could say, look at that big S car go!
     
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  4. Steves46
    Joined: Sep 23, 2008
    Posts: 533

    Steves46
    Member
    from Florida

    Steven Wright:
    I received a box of powdered water but don’t know what to add.
     
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  5. moparboy440
    Joined: Sep 30, 2011
    Posts: 1,089

    moparboy440
    Member
    from Finland

    What kind of driver never gets a ticket?
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    A screwdriver!
     
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  6. Jokester
    Joined: Jan 29, 2005
    Posts: 688

    Jokester
    Member

    Ok, so I was at a garage sale the other day and they had a television set that had a broken volume control, it was stuck on full loud. It was only $1...I couldn't turn it down.

    .bjb
     
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  7. Packrat
    Joined: Aug 25, 2005
    Posts: 600

    Packrat
    Member

    Lots of good ones, thanks!
     
    Deuces, Flathead Dave and loudbang like this.
  8. Some of you have heard this one before. But it's a classic and classics are worth keeping going.

    A fellow I know drives a vintage Canardly.
    He can 'ardly get to start, and can 'ardly get to stop at a red light.......
    and when he gets to where he's going, he can 'ardly get the engine to shut down.
     
  9. A guy named Clarence from a little town on the wrong side of the tracks was courting a young girl. The father found out and high tailed it over there in his pickup with his son to straighten him out. About a mile from town he saw a flashing sign that read “Caution 9 foot clearance ahead.” He slammed on his brakes and made a quick u turn. “What ya doin dad”yelled the son. “We gotta go back and get your uncles, he might be too much for just the two of us.”
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2021
    Deuces, moparboy440, loudbang and 4 others like this.
  10. SS327
    Joined: Sep 11, 2017
    Posts: 2,469

    SS327

    My first car was a Rolls Canhardly.







    Rolls good. Canhardly stop!
     
  11. Tow Truck Tom
    Joined: Jul 3, 2018
    Posts: 1,879

    Tow Truck Tom
    Member
    from Clayton DE

    What did the one snowman say to the other snowman?

    Yeah I smell carrot too .
     
  12. Tow Truck Tom
    Joined: Jul 3, 2018
    Posts: 1,879

    Tow Truck Tom
    Member
    from Clayton DE

    This one came from the HAMB I believe.

    God is a Plymouth man. Says so in the Bible.
    He drove Adam and Eve out of Eden in his Fury.
     
  13. A young man and his wife were attending his bosses funeral. The husband felt guilty that he had never paid his boss back the money he borrowed to buy his first car. The wife knew about this too and when she saw him putting something in the casket she pulled him aside. “What did you just do? Are you crazy?” “Relax” he said, I wrote him a check.
     
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2021
  14. A disgruntled gynecologist decided it was time for a career change so he decided on auto repair.

    The final exam was to replace a set of cylinder heads. They would be graded 50% on disassembly, and 50% on reassembly.

    When the the test scores were handed out, he had scored 150% on the test.

    When he asked his instructor, the instructor replyed: "Well... you got a perfect score on the teardown and reassembly, and I gave you 50 extra points for doing the whole job through the exhaust pipe.".
     
  15. Mine rolls good downhill, canardly get back up.
     
  16. Three Priests happen to meet at an auto auction. Two older and one young one that just took over a parish and they were all dropping off donated cars to be sold. The younger one asked, “how do you divide up the proceeds between the parish and the Vatican?” One said “I make a small circle on the ground and throw the money into the air. What lands inside the circle goes to the Vatican and the rest goes to the parish.” The other said he does something similar, “I also throw the money in the the air and what ever the Lord catches goes to the Vatican”
     
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  17. A rural town was inundated by Hare Krishnas. They bought a small piece of property outside of town and would ride their bikes in every morning to sell flowers and pan for money. A really angry citizen took it upon himself to end the harassment for good. Early every morning he would drive the mostly deserted road in his old Buick, bumping followers into the drainage ditch. Never got caught. One morning he came upon a Priest flagging him down holding a gas can. “Can you give me a lift to town” Sure, sad the driver. About two miles down the road he spots a Hare Krishna on his bike. Panicking, the driver decided to fake passing out and jerk the wheel to hit the bicyclist and keep his secret at the same time. Wham! The driver screams what happened! Did I hit that poor man? No, replied the Priest but I got him with the can.
     
  18. Grandfathers should get a mention, too.........
    This loving grandfather would take his 5-year-old granddaughter for a drive in his shoebox every Saturday morning for some quality time -- pancakes, ice cream, candy-- just him and his granddaughter.
    One Saturday, however, he had to stay in bed with a terrible cold. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for her weekly drive and breakfast. When they returned, the grandfather asked, "Well, did you enjoy your ride with Grandma?"
    "No PaPa, it was boring. We didn't see any assholes, dorks, pieces of shit, horse's asses, hippy tree huggers, blind bastards, dipshits, or sons of bitches anywhere! We just drove around and Grandma smiled at everyone. It wasn't much fun." .......
    Almost brings a tear to your eye, don't it? :mad: :rolleyes:
     
    Last edited: Jun 23, 2021
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  19. moparboy440
    Joined: Sep 30, 2011
    Posts: 1,089

    moparboy440
    Member
    from Finland

    So back in the day around 1949, a businessman was driving through the country in his new Cadillac and ran across an old farmer stranded on the side of the road in his Model T with a blown headgasket.
    The businessman asked if he could help?
    The farmer asked for a tow to the next town, they decided the farmer should honk if there was any trouble on the way while towing.
    Well the businessman turned on his radio and after a while got it up to a pretty good speed, and flew by a gas station.
    Well the gas station attendant called the sheriff and told him about a Cadillac that passed his station doing about 80mph. The sheriff said: "so what?", to which the attendant replied:
    "Well there was a guy in a Model T right behind him honking trying to pass, you should pull him over."
     
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  20. The city slicker was traveling through the country when he came up on an old farmer standing by the road beside his donkey, the guy stopped and asked if everything was alright. The farmer told him that everything was good, they just stopped to let the donkey rest and asked if the guy could give him a ride to the house. The guy asked "what about the donkey?" And the farmer explained that he knew his way home and would be right along after he was rested up. The farmer climbed in the car and they pulled out. Couple of miles down the road, the guy looked in the mirror and seen the donkey right on their ass, so he thought he'd mess with him and lay the pedal to the metal, but he couldn't pull on the donkey. He looked at the farmer and said "i think there's something wrong with your donkey", the farmer asked what do you mean? The guy pointed at the rear view mirror and said "he's right behind us with his eyes bulging out and his tongue hanging out" the farmer asked which side his tongue was hanging out of and the guy looked in the mirror and said "left", the farmer said "watch out, he's gonna pass us!" :D
     
  21. News Flash…Developing story…
    Hot Rodders are rejoicing….
    A recent satellite image shows that the polar ice cap is getting bigger! Global warming may be over!………………..
    However, the satellite also picked up a barrage of Iranian ICBMs so don’t get too excited about the ice cap.
     
  22. little red 50
    Joined: Feb 19, 2011
    Posts: 230

    little red 50
    Member

    Old time hot rodder laying under his old 32 ford putting the drive shaft back in after replacing the u joint gets done and is sliding out from underneath the car. When his lifelong friend comes walking through into the garage and says dam I didn't know you had lost all your hair. He says yeah that happened a long time ago, but I still carry my comb..........I just can't part with it.
     
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  23. 51504bat
    Joined: May 22, 2010
    Posts: 4,755

    51504bat
    ALLIANCE MEMBER

    Two guys were out fishing in a tin boat on a remote mountain lake. Suddenly, off in the distance toward the big city they see a mushroom cloud rising. The one fisherman says "I don't know about you but to me it's screw the limit"
     
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  24. moparboy440
    Joined: Sep 30, 2011
    Posts: 1,089

    moparboy440
    Member
    from Finland

    A while back I was having some work done at a local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
    We all looked at each other and then finally another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
    She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."
    She said that she did not know what it was, but this piece had always been there.
    He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"
    She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there."
     

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  25. Bigmac48
    Joined: Apr 3, 2017
    Posts: 625

    Bigmac48
    Member
    from Dundalk Md

    fred and leon have been best car buddies for over 40 yrs .now in there 80s they take turns driving there last old cars fred driving one week leon the next .fred picks leon up leon jumps in and with a big smile on his face announces to fred, "bought me a new hearing aid , best money i ever spent , changed my whole life" fred says " WHAT KIND IS IT' ? leon looks at his watch and says " almost 930"
     
  26. Bigmac48
    Joined: Apr 3, 2017
    Posts: 625

    Bigmac48
    Member
    from Dundalk Md

    son comes home after graduating high school and says "Dad Dad will you help buy me a car " Dad says "hold on son if you get good grades your 1st semester of college and get a hair cut " I will consider getting you a car. End of 1st semester son comes running in " Dad I got all B s will you help get me a car " Dad says "remember good grades and get a haircut" son says "Dad I studied the bible and history and JESUS had long hair " Dad says "thats right son and he walked everywhere he had to go " !
     
  27. Bigmac48
    Joined: Apr 3, 2017
    Posts: 625

    Bigmac48
    Member
    from Dundalk Md

    old gentleman down on his luck is walking thru a fancy area of town knocking on doors offering to do any kind of odd jobs to make some money. Having no success and getting near the end of the lane he becomes more persistent , seeing the home owner sitting out front he says " please sir i can do all kinds of odd jobs , cut grass , trim bushes , clean windows , paint " . Homeowner says "you can paint " "yes sir he replies" Home owner says " ok go around back you will find paint and brushes , paint the porch " old gentleman runs around back .Within an hour or so he comes back around to homeowner and says "I'm done " home owner says " your done ?" Ain't know way you could'a painted the porch that quick !" old gentleman says " by the way thats a Mercedes not a Porsche !"
     
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  28. Deuces
    Joined: Nov 3, 2009
    Posts: 23,757

    Deuces

    Yeah, but it does screw allot... When in use....:D:rolleyes:
     
    loudbang likes this.

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