"Mechanical Genius" comments you've heard?

A few years ago where I work, one of the slackers on my shift runs a forklift out of fuel and asks me what to do about it. I tell him to get a few gallons of diesel and fill the fuel tank behind the seat, crank it over a bit and it will usually start. Off he goes on his mission. Half an hour later he comes back and says it won't start, so I go to check out the situation. When I get there I see that he removed the engine covers and I ask him why he took the covers off. His response, "I had to take them off to fill the gas tank.", as he's pointing to oil filler neck that is clearly labeled OIL in big raised letters. I ask him if he noticed the label on the cap and the 2" tube running to the oil pan. He just stares at me. I come to find out that he filled the oil pan and crankcase with about 8 gallons of diesel. As I'm draining out the diesel he goes on to tell me that this is how his dad cleaned out engines. I ask him if his dad filled his crankcase with diesel every time he ran out of gas, and once again he just stares at me. After topping off the oil and filling the fuel tank I ask him if he has any kids. He says no. I say "Good, lets keep it that way." Once again I receive that same blank stare.
I probably would have been nicer if he wasn't twenty years older than me and constanly running his mouth about everything knows. Shit like this makes me fear for the future of mankind.

 

thats a hone not a bore, it's impossible to bore something straight with a handheld drill. you bore an engine,then run the honing tool back through it with the stones, the stones leave the cross hatch pattern. a bore leaves the cylinder walls too smooth for proper oil control, and proper ring break in, thus the honing step. bore is done on a boring machine or a big milling machine if you are good, boring a cylinder involves cutting metal to a precision diameter, the hone just cuts the cross hatch pattern.

 

I had a guy at a swap meet today tell me all ford 9" housings are the same width....

 

My grandfather was a 'backyard' mechanic, but a bloody good one, especially on the older cars no 'professional' mechanic wanted to waste his time working on. He had a number of female customers, one of who was a bit 'blonde' if you know what I mean. She had a 40's Austin, a big English sedan, heavy as hell, and she complained that if was really heavy on juice, so Pop's job was to get it to run a bit more economically.

He tuned it and tuned it, had the bloody thing running like a diamond watch, and still she complained that it went through fuel like a semi, so he tuned it again. Then one day he watched her get in it to drive it away. First thing she did when she got behind the wheel was reef the manual choke out as far as it would go and hang her handbag on the 'hook' the choke knob so conveniently provided for her.

Cheers, Glen.

 

Here's one I read in the paper today!

<TABLE height=16 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD noWrap>Saturday, March 28, 2009 </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>Man puts finger in gas tank, gets stuck for hours

<SCRIPT type=text/javascript>var WT_rating = "0";var WT_stars="";if(WT_rating=='1'){WT_stars="";}if(WT_rating=='2'){WT_stars="";}if(WT_rating=='3'){WT_stars="";}if(WT_rating=='4'){WT_stars="";}if(WT_rating=='5'){WT_stars="";}if(WT_rating=='6'){WT_stars="";}if(WT_rating=='7'){WT_stars="";}</SCRIPT>The Associated Press <!-- Miles Prunier added this code 6/14/2004: --><!-- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ --><!-- START ARTICLE COMMENTS (also in article 8, 21, 29, 31, 32, 33 & 97) --><!-- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -->



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</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE></TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>SAGINAW, Michigan &#8212; A Michigan man has learned not to stick his fingers in certain places. Victor Harris, of Saginaw, Michigan, was pouring a fuel additive into his Lincoln Navigator sport utility vehicle Thursday when a piece of paper fell into the gas tank. Harris tried to fish the paper out, but his index finger became stuck in the gas tank.

WJRT-TV reported Harris tried to extract his digit for two hours before friends called the fire department. It took another two hours before emergency responders cut the gas tank tube out of the vehicle.

Doctors later removed Harris' finger from the tube. He received two stitches.

Harris said he's learned his lesson and won't put his finger back in the gas tank.

 

When I was in the AF , we used to send newbies out for a bucket of propwash and 50 feet of flightline.

 

Look up a sunnen an style hone.
Portable,uses a drill and is accurite to .0005.You can remove up to .030 but its a workout
nuff said.Been using one for years.
Gary

 

A older dude i used to work with overheard a fellow gearhead hatting one day about different neat factory air cleaners, you know dual snorkels, etc....he said he had a old Ford something or other with a big block and a "big blower" that you could take off. I asked him if he meant the air cleaner...............he said yes.

haw haw.

Derek

 

I was at a cruise night Friday with my 17 yr old son. We were checking out a '56 F-100, looking under the hood I pointed out that it had a Mustang II suspension. Some guy butts in and says it was a Nova sub-frame. I pointed out the rack and pinion and that the frame hadn't been cut. Guy claimed he knows the guy who built it and he does sub-frame swaps all the time (too bad the owner/builder wasn't around to straighten him out). We just walked away after noticing the beer can in his hand. I explained to my son that maybe it was the beer that was making the guy stupid.

 

"All shocks are just made by the same company."

 

at one point back when i was a kid (probably about 10 years old) i swore for the life of me that the bulges on the bed sides of our one ton dually were steel. one day i ask my dad if he knows what they're made of and he says fiberglass. i say no way those can be fiberglass! for some reason at this time in my life i thought that there was no way a car or truck would come with fiberglass body parts from the factory.

i go over to access the situation and begin knocking and the bulges and they sure sounded metal to me. to prove his point my dad goes into the garage and gets a big magnet and comes over to the truck. while i'm standing there he holds the magnet up against the bulge and lets go and of course it falls off. he says see they're not steel at which point i say...

so they're aluminum!

he just shook his head and walked away. some time later i would see a dually pickup with a damaged bulge and sure enough they were fiberglass. from that point on i realized my dad knew waaaay more that i thought he did.

 

I heard a guy at a car show explain to his guests the fabric roof insert on a sedan: "This is how they used to make 'em, the top folds up and you can have a convertible."
The two young people with him murmured that it was a clever idea. I hope they've forgotten his wisdom.
It wasn't an old VW, by the way.

 

I worked in a parts store after the navy in san Diego
This Vietnamese mechanic, really a good guy who had a lot of business,came in one day and had a phenolic disc with two prongs and some transistorlookin stuff on the back. He said he "skinned" it for me so I'd know what it was.
There also was a guy who said his Caddilac was smokin. I asked in general or one place in particular. He said out the tailpipe. Backstory; "I had this lifter that was clickin so I tightned that muuffuger down" I said loosen that muuufugger back up and leave it alone it will take care of itself.
Never a dull day at 10,000 auto parts

 

I stopped by to see a buddy back in high school. He was in his driveway painting his skateboard. I took a look at his work and asked him why he was painting his name backwards on the bottom of his board. He told me dead serious, "So it reads right when you look at it from the top." Man, I'll never forget his face when I pointed out the fact that you can't see through wood. I hope he never went on to work on cars!

 

I posted this on a different thread, but it fits here as well

 

my dad once had to fix the valves on a guys car. My dad tuned it all up and the it needed a head gasket but the owner said he could handle that and about a week later the guy said his car would run at all. well my dad went and looked at it and noticed the new gasket and asked if he had done anything else when he replaced it. The guy replied yea some of the valves were loose so i tightened them all down.

 

"Dude, you need to get your BRAND NEW brake drums turned."

"What? Why?"

"I'm dead serious! Your shoes won't bind to a brand new brake drum's surface!"

"Oooookay...."

Of course I didn't get it done and the brakes worked fine. Then what happens? Some idiot hits me on the freeway and my car wrecks. When my friend the mechanical genius was told of my wreck, his reply was:

"That's what he gets for not turning his [BRAND NEW] brake drums."

 

one of my friends apparently had an atv that he could drive on the bottom of a lake endlessly without any snorkel or anything as long as his head stayed out of the water so he could breath. still dont know how he made it work but it sounds efficient.

 

Chevrolets are built by Cadillac.

if you have a 60's GM key that says "knock out" on it it will fit in any GM lock. they were made for locksmiths.

I raced a guy in his 80's 4 cylinder Camaro with my 73 Datsun pick up. after I beat him his excuse was his car is only a 4 cylinder.

 

Friends ex girlfriend calls about her O/T car knocking. What does the gauge say? Well, its on H and the Genie lamp is lit !

 

bought my Dad a digital microwave ( replaced the mechanical dial type ) and left the house.
Son, he said when I returned, I am afraid this one doesn't work.
Why you say that?
I did my usual baked potato, I hit 5 and it only goes a few seconds then cycles off. I did it though, but it took for ever! nope this isn't working.
Dad says I you have to go 5:00 for five minutes ! 5 = 5 seconds!
he tortured that potato for over an hour but by God it got cooked!

 

Working in a parts store 1988: a guy comes in looking for all 4 springs for his NEW Golf GTI. His son threw them away to lower it - it went a few feet until he tried to turn onto the street from the driveway and the silly thing collapsed.

this thread is a memory lane special

 

there is such a thing as muffler bearings:

when i was a kid i worked for a heavy eqpt shop selling parts. one day one of the mechanics came up to the parts window and asked if i would get some muffler bearings and charge them to the work order. being new and young i was eager to look for the parts. i looked through all the books and micro film and could not find them. spent all day looking for them and everyone was in on the joke. i asked my boss the next day where i could find them and he said there with the bearings. i tore through every box of bearings. there was probably 200 diff bearings. when i was about to give up i seen three boxes on the bottom shelf that i had not checked. when i picked them up they said on the bottom muffler bearings. i was so excited and ran out to the shop and handed the mechanic the muffler bearings. found out they were for an industrial application turbo and were for the exhaust side of the turbo.

 

What about the hardcore old Ford guy thats will argue to no end that Chevrolet never built a 302 engine.

 

Chevy had there's out foist!

 

A lady comes into the shop on a very rainy, cold day with her sunroof open and all windows down. She said that the oxygen warning sensor light on the dash was on and she didn't want to suffocate.

 

Had a guy back home tell everyone how his new pro built engine for his camaro had aluminum valves.

 

Those last 2 are funny!

 

Not so much mechanical, but............
In my last year of high school, I lucked into a 1967 Firebird convertible with just 11,000 miles on it and 11 months old for $2,000. Sure was glad I saved my paper route money. Dated one girl pretty much all Summer long. Never seemed to rain that Summer so I was riding in the open air for like 4 solid months. First day cool enough to put the top up, I showed up for a date and saw her Mom in the front yard. She remarked "I see you got another car" I said no, it's the same one I've had. She said it couldn't be, the other one didn't have a roof on it. I stopped seeing my girlfriend shortly after that as a frightening vision of the future got stuck in my mind.

 

no such thing. the moment you claim somethins "idiot proof" some asshole shows up with a new and improved idiot!