"Mechanical Genius" comments you've heard?

Back in the early 60's I was working at a Richfield Gas station in Las Vegas, Nevada. We sold a lot of tires as a full service station. A guy came in to buy some new tires and wanted the cheapest set we had. Nevada had no highway speed limit then and this guy wanted to go fast. When I questioned his logic of cheap tires to go fast he explained that it didn't matter how flimsy the cheap tires might be because the faster he went the lighter his car got. I guess if he could go fast enough he would be flying and he wouldn't need the tires at all.

Jerome

 

Watched my brother snap a half a dozen 1/8" drill bits one day because he had the drill in reverse. He got mad as hell when it was pointed out to him!

 

Actually, some stainless steels do have a high rate of thermal expansion RELATIVE TO STEEL. It's only a problem if you fix one to the other in some kind of mechanical assembly like a heat exchanger and heat or cool them a bunch. Then the stainless will outrun the steel and cause high stresses. The expansion for both is measured in millionths of an inch per inch per degree farenheit, so you have to have something awfully long to get inches of expansion.

 

The best if ever "heard" well actually READ was right here on the HAMB. The fella - who shall remain nameless claimed many many years of experience as a professional mechanic. He stated that to get the rear brakes to do less work all you need to do is to INDUCE air into the rear brake lines.

To think as a mere backyard amateur - I've spent my entire life making sure I got all the air OUT of the brakelines. Whodathunkit!!!

Another top one was the fella (right here again) stating his car stops JUST as good with rear brakes only. To think Bendix and the others have suckered GM, FORD & Chrysler all these years into thinking front brakes actually did something.

The thing is I suspect that we've all done and or said stupid things in our lifetimes - I know I have - the real humor lies in how well we defend them!!!! YMMV

 

Least we forget the classics...

 

There is a fellow who sells parts here on the HAMB who insists that 2" brake shoes can not be used in the 1940 Ford brake drums.
The 40 drums are about 2 3/16" wide.

His claims are based on the fact (according to him) that he has spent 25 years looking in parts catalogs.

I have been spent almost 50 years actually WORKING on Fords
and have 2" shoes working with 1940 drums on my 1931 Ford coupe.

When I pointed out that I have done it and it works well, he PM'ed me and offered to whip my ass. haha

 

Guy in my old high school rebuilt his Chevy 265 engine. When he realized he forgot to put in the oil pump he asked "can I just add a extra quart of oil ?".

 

My two favs come from the retards I work with. The first came from someone describing a rear end noise. I roadtested and noticed the dust shield was rubbing the rotor. Not bigee, bent it back. When the guy asked what was wrong, I told him the dust shield was rubbing the rotor. He told me that he doesn't have rotors, he has calipers.

The next came from another "mechanic" at work. We were talking about the salters we have. All V-Boxes, some bare stainless, the older ones are painted. He asked me why they didn't make the older ones out of stainless, I said they are. He said that they are orange, not stainless.

 

I've heard too many to list, but two that come to mind from my machine shop days are the guy that, after regaling my with tall tales about holding pretty much every drag racing record there is, wanted me to bore his block .010 over so he could run standard pistons and .010 over rings. Another Smokey Yunick Jr. told me that the flathead Willys engines that came in the original Jeeps "would throw the rods at 3600 rpm and throw the pistons (?) at 4500 rpm". When I asked him how the engine managed to make it from 3600 to 4500 after it had already thrown all four rods, his eyes glazed over and he became quite silent.

 

Fail-lol

 

Long long ago, a local shop in business since 1946 had an Afican american man come in with a 53 Chevy to have the engine rebuilt.
It was rebuilt and handed over to the customer who came back in a few days complaining that the engine wasn't "oiling".
The shop owner knew that the engine was rebuilt properly and asked the customer what he meant by "oiling".
At that moment an old car drove by the shop, smoking big clouds of blue smoke.
The customer pointed at it and said, "See? That car is "oiling".
The shop owner took the car back, took the engine apart and broke every ring and gave it back to his (now) happy customer.

A connecting rod broke a hole in the block in my 58 chrysler 392 in 1975, so I went to the ghetto one Sunday morning and rode my Harley up and down every street systematically until I found a 57 Imperial in a back yard.
Bought the car for $50.
The owner told me that after he got his neighbor to rebuild the engine, it had a knock.The genius mechanic told him to keep driving it because "it needed to wear in".
When I tore it down, the number 5 rod had no insert bearing and the pan was clean.
That car had a ring compressor in the trunk that I still use.
I still have that Hemi too

 

This is the stupidest thing I have ever hear. In the 90's we ran a fuel car with a rich idiot and his son. The son wanted to do the bottom end so his dad let him.
One day in Seattle all 8 rods kick out before 60', we get in the tow vehicle and he goes " I must have forgot to torque the rods again ".
I cant imagine being stupid enough to forget to torque the rods and I most definitely cant imagine being so fucking stupid that I'd admit it! JC

 

I thought that was the real name of Ward Cleaver!!
JimV

 

Same guy i wrote about in the "idiot" thread.....said he was running a three speed stick in his wheelie popping Mustang because it takes too long to shift through four gears....He could NOT figure out why all those guys in the four speed cars didn't know that...

 

worked in m/c shops many years asked one guy how big his bike. he held his hand out about 2feet off the ground and said this big. another genius wanted a part for his 3000cc suzuki i said they never made one he says its outside do i go to see this monster and he proudly shows me the 3000cc on the side of the motor i pointed out thats how much oil it held another one had old 450 honda dual over head cam said the second cam kicked in about 4 grand. i sold more than one back explained how to check the oil thru the little sight glass on the side of the engine. had the new owner come back with about 8 quarts to much oil because they couldnt see oil in the fill hole. cant count the number of bikes we picked up for no start that only needed the kill switch put in the run position. sold one guy a bike brought back for no run it was out of gas he stated it shouldnt need gas it was new the general public wonders why shop and parts people want to club most of the general public

 

Guy I worked with in a gas station put a quart of oil in a radiator. He knew better, but he was kinda hung over that morning. Everybody liked the guy, and the car owner and the station owner just sat and chuckled while we drained and flushed and drained and.....Took the better part of two hours.

 

this was origianlly posted on another forum a couple years ago by my friend Mike. This story is exceptionally funny because it is true.. enjoy..

<!-- google_ad_section_start -->Super Tech and the chisel.<!-- google_ad_section_end -->
<HR style="COLOR: #999999" SIZE=1><!-- google_ad_section_start -->I guess since story's are getting somewhat popular, I will decide to share one of mine.

First of all, I need to set up the story. This is a story about school. Universal Technical Institute. I go to this school because I love working on cars and want to work at a dealership. I am probably the smartest guy at school. Seriously. I am no genius, but I know my way around several subjects. There are more idiots here than you can shake a phone book at. Anyways, here we go...

Okay. We have this guy at school that we call Super Tech. He has been in my last 6 classes. Lucky me. He has got to be the dumbest asshole to ever live. He makes the special Olympics look like MIT. However, he is not retarded. He has that dumbass grin all the damn time with Richard M. Nixon crooked teeth, Durr! Durr! Durr! laugh (god, that never stops), sunken in glazed green eyes, huge forehead that is bald with patches of hair because, "I shave it myself." Lastly he never shut's the hell up with stupid questions every 10 seconds with no relevance like, "So, on my Dodge I have this hissing noise..." And god help you if you try to correct his relentless errors. This is the kid who misspelled 'paco' and put poco and got red faced, loud voice angry when we tried to correct him. What a dick right?

So, I am in this advanced diagnosis class and I get stuck in the lab group of total morons. I have Super Tard/Tech, and a girl. (btw, this chick looks like a beer gutted roast beef sandwich with extra mayo and acne. And she's dumber than your cousin's sister. Oh, and did I mention she was a stripper? ) We shall call her Dog Face.

It was about mid way through the week and we were in lab working on half/whole cars trying to find bugs with a laptop scan tool. I am in the car, pounding away at the keys, furiously trying to get the lab done so I can go fuck off with some friends. Super Tech had mentioned earlier to us that he had something wrong with, "M'Dodge" and that he wanted to pull it in and check it out. I didn't really have a problem with this, as long as we got our shit done.

Super Tech, "Hey, I'll be right back. I gotta go ask Smith (instructor) something."

Me, "Whatever, just make sure you get back here so we can finish this crap."

So he gets out of the back seat and disappears. Apparently, this opens up Dog Face to some one on one conversation.

Dog Face, "So, do you have a do you have a girlfriend?"

I felt my heart skip about 7 beats and I almost needed a diaper. However, I misinterpreted this as a, "Let's bang!". All it was, was an excuse for her to talk about sex with her boyfriend.

"What? YeahYeah, I do"

"That's awesome. I have a boyfriend. He's great, his name is Chad."

"Thats lovely."

About halfway through her jaw flapping I hear this BRAKBRAKBRAKBRAK noise. I didn't think anything of it. The brakes class was out in lab too and I figured it wasn't anything too important. However, I rolled down all the windows. Any noise, hell anything was better, than the horrid excrement comming out of mouth. About another 25 minutes go by of DogFace's steamy story being drowned out by, BRAKBRAKBRAK.

I finally get fed up with whatever was cause this awful racket. I threw the laptop into Dog Face's, most likely wet, lap.

"Hold this, I'll be right back"

I jump out of the car, ready to beat someone to death because of all this noise, then I notice that everyone in my class is gone. My lab car was in the middle of all the lab automobiles and there are always people swarming around it. Then I see it. Super Tech's truck in the lab. A circle of people around the right side, hands over their mouths. BRAKBRAKBRAK still beating through my skull.

"Holy Shit! Dog Face, get out! Something is going down!"

"What? What's going on?"

I walk over to the circle and peer in. Super tech's truck is jacked up, he is there on him hands and knees with a fucking air chisel going to town on a lug nut. I thought this had to be some kind of prank, joke, a misunderstanding or something rational. Boy, was I wrong. Being his lab partner, I pushed my way through to see what the hell was going on.

"Dude, what the hell are you doing?"

"Got a lug stuck."

"What?"

"This lug is stripped. M'trying to take it off."

He can't be serious. I peer into the canyon that is his new bolt hole. Sure enough, there's the damn lug nut, crushed and mangled flat with the stud which has now basically welded his wheel to the hub. Never to come off ever again (Well, at least for about 2 days, 3 guys a 6ft 3"steel pipe and some football linebacking later)

"Why didn't you get a smaller socket and hammer it on? Or ask for help? Or something?"

...

BRAKBRAKBRAK

I walk away and sat in my lab car for about 10 minutes. I laugh. Hysterically laugh. I have tears coming down my face and I about pee'd my pants. Smith (instructor) comes over to my car and starts laughing too. It was great. After about another 10 minutes of chiseling, Smith walks over and finally stops him.

Super Tech/Star ended up destroying his wheel, rotor, hub and probably a few more things before that wheel came off. It took 3 of us pushing on a 6ft 3" pipe as a pry bar to get that damn wheel off of the hub.

Idiots...




All real names have been changed for the sake of whatever your supposed to do it for.

 

I knew a guy who said he owned a Fuel-injected Corvette with two four barrels...

 

O.K. All togather.....HERE'S YOUR SIGN !!!!!


Some great stories here....but I kinda feel like I,m being talked about.

 

Back in the early 70s I was working in a gas station, had a guy come in and said his brakes were squeaking and wanted me to oil his brake shoes. Spike

 

Ive got a branspankin new scroll saw, given to me. " B, you want this saw, It wont cut nothing". I say, sure Ill take it. I get home and the blade is on upside down. I flip the blade and all works fine. So, I figured I would give it back, its not a cheap saw, and felt it was just the right thing to do. When I call, the dudes wife answers the phone, I tell her the whole story. She says, " I cant tell him that the blade was on upside down, he just bought another saw, Just dont say nothin".

 

my dad used to have a 27 model t roadster, we built, it had a chevy 305 in it and we decided one day to jb weld some old model a grille shell badges to the valve covers, just to see if people would notice. well a few weeks passed and no one noticed, then one day we were sitting in the pits at our local drag strip waiting for the lanes to open up and a guy walks up with his wife and kids. looks at the car and says "alright bitchin a ford in a ford" he paused, shook his head and walked away with his wife laughing at him.

 

Well duh. Any idjut nos that.. Yer always going down hill thet way.

 

I used to work in a motorcycle parts shop in Wichita in the late 70's.
I remember this loud mouth kid coming in and he needed some parts for his Kawasaki Mach 4(the two stroke 750) some old Harley guy made some mildly dirogatory statement to the kid. the kid said back "it's one of the fastest bikes around. the Harley guy just says "it may be fast but I just can't handle that noise." The kid just shut up and left. Lots of squids on two wheels.

 

I took one of the company vans in to the dealership to get the starter replaced. Full size, 1995 Chevy, 350ci.
So $500 and a new starter later.... you can hear it start from about two blocks away. Sounds like a cat on fire. I tell the service guy the starter needs a shim. He says nope. Shims are "old school" All these new hi torque starters sound like that.

Here's your sign.

 

"It just looks like a 318, she's been bored out to a 383"

 

I worked in a CPDJ dealership for a long time and a lot of people would call saying that the battery in their remote had died and to send a tow truck to pick up their vehicle, in which I would reply "Did you try using the key in the door first?" they would say I didn't know there was a lock in the door! Jeep did screw me over with the Grand cherokee with not ouside door lock key hole (and you wonder why american car manufacturers are doing so poorly)

 

Or it's onea them Hemi wedges.

 

actually it does have one but when remote is set it immoblizes the engine

 

I had a buddy in high school who's car leaked out of the cooling system somewhere and he kept putting water in it to keep it full.

Which was great until the day he has me come over to look at what's wrong with his car and I see the radiator's full of ice with a greenish tinge to it.

I know I've heard more stuff like these but it's been a while and I try not to retain other people's idiocy if I can avoid it.