Ad Speak

History, not current opinion, records the ultimate achievements of men of vision. What? The proof is in the performance. IBM Computed. The electronic miracle machine that shrinks the tedious labors of thousands of man hours down to only a few hours. Again, I still don’t get what you’re saying. Can you please start over? This one man’s vision set in motion a new era of progress that has drastically affected mankind.

Motor Trend says it, Tempest owners agree! I’m not a Tempest owner—I can’t say I’ve ever even met one. Wait, what should I be agreeing to? Don’t Wait! Save $ order your FREE catalog NOW. Fully Illustrated. Well, what’s so great about a stinkin’ catalog? POWER—never before obtained. NEW 6 carb Edelbrock Ram Log Manifold (other makes to follow). More horsepower, now you have my attention. Amazing Pennzoil Z-7 stands up under all the tremendous heat and pressure record-breaking engines can hand it. So clean that they can give it peak performance full time. Full time, yuh say? Even when I’m sleeping? Is that healthy? We trimmed every bit of excess weight. New LB Pomade tames hard-to-manage hair. No fuss. No muss. Hey—I don’t want hair-power. I want horsepower! If you can’t find LB in Midwest or East, ask your drug or food store manager. About horsepower? In ’61 put Grant in your plans. Hmmpf.

Pack power to spare to meet any challenge. You’re a challenge. I just want to know how to go fast. Test driver Johnny Mantiz proves it for himself.  Ask your favorite dealer for them. Who is the industry’s MOST WANTED MAN? An impressive list. Sounds on the salt flats…your spirited companion. Check before you crack up. I’m not laughing and this isn’t funny. 3,500,000 users can’t be wrong! The best answer to this question is another question: ‘What kind of performance do you want from your engine?’ Peak performance. The best, you know. I’m trying to run a mill that sounds healthy at the cruise-in and is no slouch at the drags either. Only 10% down puts you on the track in this sensational new Sears Kart. No, not a Kart. I’m talking V8. VEEEE EIGHT. Get more GETUPANDGO. ‘Whis-Purr’ Sound and ZOOMING POWER plus new LONGER LIFE.

Just 2½ miles from downtown Las Vegas for GO! GO! GO! From start to finish…Take your career STRAIGHT UP! No tools needed. Works in seconds. Loosens rusted bolts, nuts, screws, ‘frozen parts!’ Racing’s best insurance policy. Beam’s DeLuxe—you can’t get better protection to save your life. That may be so, but I’m done talking with you. I have to get on with my own life, thank you very much. This ‘Bee’ has a bad sting. Here is the product that will do the job—Tune in Eyewitness to History or send for an opportunity book. Postage will be paid by the addressee…

***

Whenever you flip through old hot rod magazines, there’s always so much to see. From the writing to the photos to the layouts, they really are a slice of another place and time. Although my focus is generally on the cars and the stories, I will admit that I’m often drawn to the ads. The speed equipment industry was booming, and there was no better way to get noticed than to place an ad in Hot Rod Magazine and the like. And so, as a tribute to these hard-working salesmen in their bustling place of commerce, the non-italicized portion of the conversation was lifted word-for-word from a smattering of advertisements in the April 1961 issue of HRM. Ad speak, you hear?—Joey Ukrop