So, this Irishman walks into a bar....

one more


what do you tell a girl with two black eyes ?

nothing i already told her twice.

just kidding i love the ladies.

 

A guy comes home from work & his wife is in a bad mood. He asks whats wrong & she says "the kitchen faucet is leaking, will you fix it" Husband says "do I look like a plumber? call a repairman"
The next day when the guy comes home his wife is in a bad mood again. the wife tells him "the washing machine won't spin cycle, will you fix it" Husband says "do I look like the Maytag man? call a repairman"
Later that evening the husband is talking to the neighbor & tells him about the broken stuff around the house & the neighbor tells him to call the young guy down the street, he can fix anything. so the husband goes inside & tells his wife, "tomorrow, call the young guy down the street so he can fix the sink & washer"
The next day the wife calls the guy down the street, he comes over & fixes everything thats broken. The wife asks how much she owes him, & he says "Well..bake me a cake or give me a blow job"
Later the husband comes home, the wife is happy & she tells him everthing is fixed. The husband asks "what did he charge?" wife says "bake him a cake or give him a blow job"
Husband asks "what kind of cake did you make him?"
Wife replies "Do I look like BETTY CROCKER?"

.

 

A wife tells her husband that she wants surgey to have her breasts enlarged & the husband tells her "no we can't afford it" but the wife keeps carrying on about it. so finally the husband says "Here, take some toilet paper, crumple it up & rub it on your tit's. Do this twice a day for a month" The wife says "thats never gonna work"
The husband replies "Well it worked pretty good on your ASS"

.

 

had a girlfriend that failed three driving tests... couldn,t get used too the front seat

 

my all time favorite...


How do you make 3 pounds of fat look good?






Put a nipple on it!!

 

[ QUOTE ]
didja hear christopher reeves killed himself?

he got tired of being pushed around.





what's the opposite of christopher reeves?

christopher walken.





i've got some rude ones if ya really want them, no sex stuff, just good old offensive jokes.

tred.



[/ QUOTE ] I think those were offensive enough....

 

Jesus Christ walks into a motel and lays three nails on the front desk. Then asks the inkeeper. "can you put me up for the night?"

 

Jesus and Moses are out fishing one day, talking about old times. Moses asks."remember that time I parted the Red sea?" Jesus says "Yeah remember that time I walked on water?" Then Moses says "Bet ya can't do that again!!!"

 

A man is walking along in the Fisherman's Wharf area in San Francisco. He happens upon an antique and curio shop. It looks interesting so he wanders inside. He's looking at all of the interesting items on the shelves, and spots this really neat looking brass rat. Picks it up and notices there is no price on it, so he takes it to the counter where the shop keeper is waiting.

"How much for this brass rat?" he asks the shop keeper.

"Ah, you see, this brass rat is special. It is Five dollars for the rat, and one thousand dollars for the story behind it."

"Hmm, well, I really like the rat, but I don't need the story." So he hands the shop keeper five dollars & tax. The shop keeper wraps the rat, and gives it to the man with his receipt.

So the man keeps wandering down the Wharf area, when he hears a noise behind him. He looks behind him, and sees that a rat is following him. He thinks nothing of it and continues to stroll along his merry way. He hears another noise, looks behind him and notices that there are TEN rats following him. He is starting to get a little uneasy so he picks up his pace a little.

He continues down towards the water, hears a lot of shuffling, looks behind him and it looks like there are THOUSANDS of rats following him. He totally freaks out and breaks into a run, all the rats chasing after him. He runs down one of the piers, but realizes that this was not a very good idea (what to do when the pier gives out?). Having no other choice, he throws the brass rat into the Bay and climbs up the light post.

All the rats follow the brass rat, leaping into the Bay, and they all drown.

The man, shaken, climbs down the light post, dusts himself off, turns around and retraces his steps, shakily, to the old curio shop.

He is greeted by the shopkeeper as he walks back through the door, "Ah, I see you are back for the story?"

"Hell No!" The man replies, "I just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!"

 

Every married man ought to forget about his own mistakes- there´s just no reason for two people remembereing the same things..

How can you tell that a woman has been in the outer space?
The big wagon has been crashed...

There´s no need to contradict a woman... she ´ll do it herself.

6 cannibals are getting employed as programmers for a big computer enterprise.
At the beginning the boss lets them know:
"You can eat at the canteen. So leave our other employees alone."
So the cannibals promise him not to harm the others.

After 4 weeks the boss gets back to them and says: "You guys are working very well, but we´re missing a cleaning lady, any idea where she´s gone?"
The cannibals answer no and that they had nothing to do with that.
As the boss leaves the chief cannibal asks: "who of you fucking idiots has eaten the cleaning lady???"

After a little hesitation the smallest of the cannibals confesses:"It´s been me."

Chief cannibal:"You damn idiot! We´ve been eating COE´s, cntrollers, group leaders, team leaders and poject - mnagers so no one would notice anything and you dumbass are eating the cleaning lady!!!!"

 

[ QUOTE ]
What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with CHEESE!

[/ QUOTE ]

Once again.... *BARF*

 

I was walking through the flea market when I spotted a foot high plastic butane lighter. I asked the vendor where did you find that. He said "I was cleaning this brass lamp when a genie poped out".

I said let me see that lamp. I rubbed the lamp and sure enough out popped a genie. I said I want a million bucks! All of a sudden the sky was black with DUCKS

The vendor looked at me and said "oh I forgot to tell you...he's hard of hearing. You didn't think I asked for a 12 inch Bic did ya??

 

my girlfriend has crabs,

so i bought her fishnet stockings.




i went to see my urologist,

he said i could go at any time.





i saw michael j. fox outside the democratic national convention shaking hands.

ya get it?

 

Why'd they call it "Mad Cow Desease?"
Because "PMS" was already taken.

 

Late one rainy night in a quiet house on a lonely rural road, there comes a knock on the door. The couple sleeping inside is awakened by the visitor at the door, and the husband goes to answer it.

Standing there, soaked to the skin is a drunk old man who says "I need a push!"

The husband yells "It's 2am, you're drunk, and I ain't helping you out...go AWAY!". He then slams the door and stomps off to bed.

His wife asks who was at the door, and the husband says "Just some stupid drunk who probably ran off the road and wants me to push him!".

The wife says "I think you ought to help him...what if YOU were stranded on a dark country road and nobody would help YOU?" They argued about it for a minute, but the huband finally caved in.

"All right," he says as he reluctantly gets dressed and dons his rain gear. "I'll help the sorry old cuss!".

He opens the front door and squints out into the dark and rainy night looking for any sign of the stranger. Not seeing him anywhere near the road, he calls out "Sir...are you still out there?"

"YES!" comes the reply.

"Do you still need a push?" asks the man.

"YES!" comes the reply again.

The man still can't see the stranger, so he calls out again "Sir, where ARE you?".

The stranger answers "Over here...on the swing!"

 

A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender eyes him cautiously and says "Hey, Buddy...you better not start anything!"

 

So a woman walks into a bar with a bucket of manure, a cat and a handgun.

The bartender looks at her and says "Am I gonna have any trouble outta you, Miss?"

She assures him that she won't cause him any grief, and starts drinking one beer after another.

Six beers later, she jumps up, fires the pistol at the bucket, which scares the cat...so she runs around the bar trying to grab the frightened animal.

The bartender yells "What the fuck are you DOING?!"

The lady stops and says "I'm just being one of the guys...you know...drink beer, shoot the shit and chase the pussy!"

 

Three guys walk into a bar...an American, an Englishman and an Irishman.

They each order a mug of beer and are promptly served.

The American goes to take a drink and notices a fly in his beer. He raises a big stink, yelling and screaming...saying how he's gonna sue the bar, call the Health Department and demands another beer. The bartender brings him another beer with his deepest apologies.

The Englishman goes to sip his beer, and also finds a fly in it. Not wanting to be rude and call attention to himself, he quietly plucks the fly out of his beer and drops it to the floor, then drinks it in silence.

The Irishman raises his glass, and finds a fly in HIS beer as well. He sets the glass down on the bar, reaches in with two fingers and grabs the fly. Then, holding the fly up in front of him, he yells "Spit it out, ya bastard!"

 

My Favorite One -

2 guys are walking down the street & see a dog licking his balls.

First guy says to the second " Boy I wish I could do that"

Second guy says " You probably could but you better pet him first"

 

Three guy's walk into a bar. A Priest, Pervert, Pedaphile, and two other guys... Something for Sunday Morn..

 

Two black guys are driving their Cadillac through Alabama and get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up to the drivers side and taps on the window. The driver hits the power windows and when it opens the Trooper smacks the shit out of him. He says "Boy when you are stopped by an Alabama State Trooper you have your window down and your license ready!" He writes him a ticket for speeding and goes around to the other side of the car and taps on the window. When it opens he slaps the shit out of the passenger. The guy says "Man why you want to go and slap me?" The trooper says " I know if I don't as soon as you leave you are going to say to your buddy, I wish that big Motherfucker had slapped me like that!"

 

there were two survivers of custers last stand... i soldier and his horse..the chief felt bad for him and told him that he would have three wishes before they killed him..the soldier askes for his horse then walks up to it and whispers in its ear.. the horse then runs off returning a while later wt a beutiful blonde...they go into the tee pee and get too it. the indians were inpressed she leaves and the chief says take your second wish befor3e you die he askes for the horse whispers in its ear and the horse runs off returning later wt a beutiful redhead.off too the tee pee they go the indians say whooow what a guy. hes going too die soon and all he wants is a woman...they finish and the chief says that the is your final wish then you die... hes says i want too see my horse...he grabs it by the ears looks it rite in the face and says POSSIE YOU FOOL!!!

 

A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the guy and says...

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

 

Two good ol' boys walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk
about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is
eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

 

A man goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes sir, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that!"

 

A German, an Irishman, and a Jew walk into a bar...,

The German says to the bartender..., I'm tired..., I'm thirsty..., I must have a Beer...!

The Irishman says to the Bartender..., I'm tired..., I'm thirsty..., I must have a Whiskey...!

The Jew says to the Bartender..., I'm tired..., I'm thirsty..., I must have Diabetes...!!!!

 

ok here goes.
a man comes home & his wife is crying. he asks whatsa matter baby? she says the dog is real sick, look at him.
the guy has a look & it's apparent that the dog has been dead for a while. the dog's dead he tells her. no she says, it's just sick . take him to the vet. he decides to take the dog to the vet to confirm what he already knows.
when he gets there he tells the vet that his dog is dead & he don't wanna spend a lot of money to confirm it.
the vet says no problem, put the dog on that table.
the vet takes a kitten, rubs it in the dog's face, & the dog doesn't move.
then the vet takes a labrador pup & puts it up to the dog's face. the pup licks the dogs face but again the dog doesn't move.
yep, the vet says, that dog is definitely dead. that'll be $200.
the guy says $200??!! that's outrageous!!! you're a fuckin ripoff!!!
the vet says HEY!... that's cheap for a cat scan & lab work.

 

ok, here's my favorite.

at around 11:45 pm a cop notices a car parked in a dark alley. he goes to investigate. when he walks up to the car he notices a guy in the front seat reading a magazine & a girl in the back seat listening to a walkman. he asks the guy "what are you doin?" the guy says "reading this magazine." the cop asks "what's she doin?" the guy says "listening to music." the cop asks the guy "how old are you?" the guy replies "32" the cop asks "how old is she?" the guy looks at his watch & says "in about 9 minutes she'll be 18."

 

a priest, a rabi and a witch doctor walk into a bar.

The bartender say's "What's is a fucking joke!"

 

So this guy walks in to a bar and says to the barman "I bet you 50 bucks if you roll a bottle down the bar i can piss in it all the way along"

The barman grabs a empty bottle, sticks it on the bar and sends it on its way.

Then the guy drops his trousers and pisses on the walls, the floor, the peanuts, the waitresses, everywhere but in the bottle.

"HA!" says the barman "You didnt even get a drop in, you owe me $50, i bet you feel pretty stupid now"

"Not really" says the guy "I bet those guys at that table $500 that i could piss all over your bar and get away with it !!



Thanks, your too kind,, And please, try the fish