What tools are really used for

Some of you may have got this email before but I thought it too funny not to share.


Subject: Tools Explained



Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly
snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it
smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room
, denting the freshly-painted project which you had
carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them
somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also
removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers
in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too
short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to
convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija
board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked
, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to
influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round
off bolt heads.. If nothing else is available, they can also
be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your
hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting
various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy
for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to
launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the
ground after you have installed your new brake shoes ,
trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces
that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the
inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals
under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans
and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as
the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into
non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that
clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a
50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the
most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to
hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents
of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works
particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,
liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for
slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool
that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son
of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.


Hope you found this informative

 

Well stated LOL........

 

funny.and true.

 

Painfully True

 

Wow....have you been watching me work?! Thats some funny stuff.