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Basic Shop Tools and their General Purpose

Discussion in 'The Hokey Ass Message Board' started by doctorZ, Dec 8, 2008.

  1. doctorZ
    Joined: Apr 10, 2006
    Posts: 1,270

    doctorZ
    Member

    Well, I thought it was funny. I don't know who wrote it, but I laughed my ass off. I hope you guys enjoy it too.
    -drZ

    DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for
    suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands
    so that it smacks you in the chest and
    flings your beer across the room, denting the
    freshly-painted object which you had carefully
    set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws
    them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light.
    Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
    fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "OOPs!"

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop
    rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make
    studs too short.

    PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used
    in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used
    to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on
    the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy
    into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
    you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal
    your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely
    round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also
    be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to
    prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm
    of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for
    lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
    Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub
    you want the bearing race out of.

    TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly
    used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.


    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an
    automobile to the ground after you have installed your new
    brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering
    an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

    E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times
    harder than any known drill bit, that snaps neatly off in bolt holes
    thereby ending any possible future use.

    BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by
    most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that
    more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the
    line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum
    tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large
    pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver
    tip on the end opposite the handle.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum
    seals under lids, and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and
    splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name
    implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.
    Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable
    screws.

    PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
    bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the
    hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most
    expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the
    contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door;
    works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids
    in
    plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or
    plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
    while in use.

    DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw
    across the garage while yelling; "DARNIT" at the top of your
    lungs. Usually involves blood loss. It is also, most often, the next
    tool that you will need.

    "POOP CLIP": A small circular or hairpin-style retaining clip typically
    used to hold small shafts in place (i.e., carburetor throttle shaft).
    The name comes from every mechanics' expression the moment
    when a clip pops off the shaft and falls under the car.
     
  2. ya, I got that stuff in my shop, except the darnit tool, same tool, different name
     
  3. 29Jay
    Joined: Aug 9, 2007
    Posts: 1,101

    29Jay
    Member
    from Ft Worth

    Drill press can also be used to rip skin off your finger and stretch out your glove while bending what ever tool your using.... And launch it accross the room... resulting in asking your wife to bring your first aid kit into the garage...
     
  4. malibusleeper
    Joined: Jun 12, 2008
    Posts: 12

    malibusleeper
    Member

    I was once a witness to the gravitational pull of a flourecent light bulb after a former co-worker threw his ratchet on the the shop floor

    and then for some strange reason, it rained glass inside...:D
     

  5. jmh
    Joined: Jun 30, 2008
    Posts: 438

    jmh
    Member

    How true!!:p John
     
  6. bblue34
    Joined: Feb 20, 2009
    Posts: 251

    bblue34
    Member

    i somtime think i have 2 of every one of these tools in my shop
     

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