Best Line

[C9]

And I ain't talking roadracing here.

What's the best spoken line you ever heard as pertains to the car hobby?

Here's mine.
The scene, sitting in the pit stands at San Fernando dragstrip circa 1963 or so.
Watching the gassers run out after we were eliminated in C/Gas.

A little old lady watched for a while and seeing once again a killer Willys coupe beat up on a later model opponent, she said, in confused wonder, "All the old cars are winning."

Kinda said it all I think....

[old beet]

I had a 49 Ford, so low, I ran over a dime and got a nickle change...........OLDBEET

[**DONOTDELETE**]

the next door neighbor of a house my company was remodeling would always look at my hotrod when I parked it out front on Fridays (I always drive it on Fridays) Anyways, the old guy told me he wanted to build a hotrod when he got back home from Korea with all the military pay he got. I asked him if he ever did and he said,

"When I got back from Korea I spent most of my money on booze and women, the rest I just spent foolishly."

[zonkola]

Then there's all the sayings that end in "could suck the chrome off a DeSoto bumper".

[kustombuilder]

[ QUOTE ]
I had a 49 Ford, so low, I ran over a dime and got a nickle change...........OLDBEET

[/ QUOTE ]

OH YEAH? well i had a 49 Chevy that was so low i ran over your nickle and got stuck! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[kustombuilder]

[ QUOTE ]
Then there's all the sayings that end in "could suck the chrome off a DeSoto bumper".

[/ QUOTE ]

such as... "YOUR MOM!!!!!" LOL http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[29EHV8]

Me talkin about a car that is way under powered,"that thing wouldn't pull skin off rice pudding"
"shes as ugly as the back of my radio"
talkin bout a racecar driver who couldn't drive at all,"he couldn't drive a sharp stick up a dead dogs ass"
My friend had a stockcar and it was handling the shits,so he asked my brother and I to come out to the track on practice night with him to help figure the car out and set it up.We get to the track and put our driver in the car to figure it out.He gets in the car and does some laps.He comes back in the pits and shuts the car off.I ask him whats it like.He says "it pushes so bad I was debating on going behind the backstretch wall just to get it to go threw the corner".......Shiny

[dadseh]

Took my 75 yr old father-in law ( lives in the bush and never been to the big smoke) to the Melbourne Hotrod show one year and after the show as we are leavin I asked him what he reckoned about all them fancy hotrods.. his comment was, " they sure run big fanbelts!"

He was watching Bathurst Supercar races with me on the telly and during a pitstop to change slicks he says...
"the tread on them tyres dont look any better than the ones he just took off"
LMAO!!!!

DADSEH.

[metalshapes]

"You sure know how to fuck up a nice car"
I have heard that was the answer Chrisman gave the famous kusomizer that had redone his coupe, and asked him "what do you think?"

[k-member]

,"he couldn't drive a sharp stick up a dead dogs ass"
Shiny thats some funny shit...You got more screws lose than a Studebaker...

[Missing Link]

"That thing couldn't pull the lid off a piss pot going down hill."

-or-

"This thing handles like a used condom."

[shifts]

Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. or Busier than a whore with 3 beds.

[29EHV8]

"shes seen more pricks then a urnal in a saloon"
"that cars uglier then a bag of smashed farts"
"the paint on that car is harder then the top of gods head"
.........Shiny

[FencePost]

Or one for the North East today,
Colder than a ditch diggers ass in the klondike.

[FarmallPete]

Fence Post, we used to always say it was "colder than a well diggers ass",
when I use to drive my 67 bug, and we were driving through a storm, the damn windshield wipers wouldn't keep up, it was always "raining hard than a cow pissin on a flat rock"

[buzzard]

"C'mon boy! Let's Go! Prove it!"

Not to get into AG geekness, again, but that is my favorite.

[DrJ]

Honest, heard a young woman say this to her guy at the Belmont Shore car show a few years ago.

"Hey! They raised the roof up on that one!?!?"

Commenting about the only Model A that wasn't chopped at the entire show... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif

[G V Gordon]

Uglier that thirteen miles of hammered owl shit.

Hotter than a June bride in a featherbed. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[DRD57]

I was standing at the long course starting line at Bonneville just as the North of 49 B/STR RPU ran it's first 190+ mph run. One of the bystander's comment was " He ain't gonna need any Viagra tonight!"

[Rocket88]

This doesn't pertain to the hobby, but it's car related.
A buddy of mine has a repair shop. His wife runs the front office. An East Indian fellow comes in and tries to explain that his car needs to be fixed. She asks what kind of car is it sir? He replies a Pontiac Gooly. She says Gooly?? He says yes Pontiac Gooly! So he takes her out to the parking lot to look at the car. There sits a Pontiac 6000 LE !!

[macs55]

Whenever someone can't figure out how to merge on the freeway my wife yells out to them " Grow a pair of brass ones".

[Buick59]

Spoken to a girl at VLV in the parking lot. "The cops are after my penis.....may I hide it in you?"

I had a frind who was hung over real bad at a car show......"ohh man i feel like bag of smashed assholes"

[40StudeDude]

How 'bout: "She's so good she could suck start a Harley."
R-

[29EHV8]

"shes hotter then a mexicans lunch"
My wife and I drove my ol'49 merc to Bakersfield for the March Meet in 2000.Were talking to some locals at the track.A guy says where you from,I said Victoria BC Canada.His wife gives us a funny look ans asks "how often do you get your supplys flown in?" I look at her and say,"did you fail geography or social studies".....Shiny

[4t64rd]

I think I've mentioned it here before, I was waiting in line at a drive-thru burger place with my red Corvair conv't, and a couple that were kinda dirty looking were eating at one of the outdoor tables. the guys says "nice car" and the woman says through both of her teeth "If it were blue it'd be gooder".

Then there's "Slicker than greased dogshit"

[DrJ]

Wife and I were walking down 2nd street in Belmont Shore one time...As we got to the gas station that usta be there a surfer-looking kid in a rusty microbus nailed the gas and peled out right in front of us making us jump back a bit in fear of getting hit. Her response was;
"That's the first time I ever saw an ASSHOLE inside a piece of SHIT!"

[Kevin Lee]

A good friend had just completed an engine swap and my boss asked him what the final cost of the swap was. After my friend told him he said, "For that kind of money you could have bought a decent car."

Does everyone but me have a garage full of whores, cats, rocking chairs and feather beds? WTF? http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Smokin Joe]

Saw the Addict pull a big wheelstand at CHRR and was sitting with the crew in the stands later. I asked how messed up the frontend was and driver says: "no problem, hardly tweaked it". Then the crew chief pops up and says, "Bitch getting that pucker outa the seat tho..."
About 30 of us damned near fell outa the stands! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Heard a fan ask Glenn Roberts how hard it was driving NASCAR once.
He said "Hell, anyone can do it. Just go down to the corner and hang a left..."

[Crafty]

"she's a C90"

named after a honda moped..
the meaning being "everyones had a go on it but no-one admits to owning it" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif

[Cword]

"Let out the clutch, the fan won't pull it"

[theodore]

I took my frypan to the speedway for the first time, and after a couple of heats she turns and asks me" how come the car in front always wins?" I just about pissed my pants!

[Zeke]

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

"Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you!"
Tommy Smothers

[50Fraud]

Lettered on a '53 Stude at El Mirage: "If you ain't 50, you don't understand."

Comment about an Olds-powered Henry J: "Handles like a wheelbarrow with a safe in it."

[36couper]

When I was at a swap meet with a sign on my coupe advertising the flathead running gear for sale, a couple of old 'tiquers asked me why I was selling the drivetrain. After I told them I was going to rod it, they both said--in harmony--"You're gonna fuck that thing up".
Yup, I did and they can kiss my ass.

[Missing Link]

Perfect for today:

"It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra."

[spudshaft]

2 more:

1) Hotter than a four-balled tomcat

2) Hotter than a whore in church

[Kinky6]

I always liked the comment about a Lucas Electrics headlight switch: it has three positions, dim, flicker, and off.

I took my dad to a small local cruise-in a few years ago. After checking out all of these '30's and '40's sedans, his only comment was "Gee, all of these old cars have two exhaust pipes!"

[Missing Link]

I gotta piss like a seven peckered coyote

[NealinCA]

[ QUOTE ]
Perfect for today:

"It's colder than a witch's tit in a brass bra."

[/ QUOTE ]

...on the shady side of an iceberg. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Action Girl]

I'd rather chew broken glass than eat that shit...

or

That sounds like as much fun as getting an enema from a bull-dyke with a mullet...

[Kilroy]

After pulling a posi burn out in front of a local bar (not a patron, just driving by to scare the hotties in line) in my '49 the cop that was behind me (ooops) lit me up. When we stopped he litterally came running up screaming...

"Get the fuck outa the car!"

When I did...

"Son, what is you major malfunction!!!" (Someone watched Full Metal Jacket one too many times.)

I said..

"I don't know sir... Just drivin around with my head up my ass."

I didn't get the ($1100 exibition of speed http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif ) ticket... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[modernbeat]

[ QUOTE ]
I had a 49 Ford, so low, I ran over a dime and got a nickle change...........OLDBEET


[/ QUOTE ]

That's OK. I had a race car with a suspension that was so stiff that I could feel it if I ran over a SHADOW!

Best live ever is actually from a fairly bad movie, "Landspeed".

The underdog land speed racers are standing in a group watching their big budget competitor's incredible race car being revealed.

Mechanic: My dick suddenly seems very small...
Engineer: ...mine seems to be growing...
Driver: There's lots of room here. Why don't we spread out.

[Smokin Joe]

Anyone who thinks there are no turns in drag racing has never watched altereds run! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[wideglide74]

I've got Harley fever and a Yamaha budget...

[superbell]

"talkin bout a racecar driver who couldn't drive at all,"he couldn't drive a sharp stick up a dead dogs ass"
Shiny

[/ QUOTE ]
I like that one Shiny! K-MEMBER isn't that what you said about MARSHAL'S driving? HA!

[buffalo bob]

At the drags in the late '60s and one of the "fueler's" crew had just pitched a smoking hot clutch disc on the ground. Some guy after a souvenir grabs it for just a second before getting rid of it. The racer ask: "Hot?" The kid answers: "Naw, Just don't take me all day to look at a clutch".

'Bout the same time frame, some guy is looking over "Grumpy" Jenkins Chevy II. He yelled over to the Grump "Hey mister that sure is a shiney car ya got there. Bet she'll go real fast."

[BELLM]

Many moons ago, when I was a wee lad, was riding down the road with my elderly grandfather going about 20 mph in his 49 Plymouth when a young fella blew past us ( probably driving speed limit). My grandfather, an old retired preacher, yells at the guy "speed on brother, hell ain't half full!". Been my byline ever since. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[G V Gordon]

Kinky 6,
My favorite Lucas line:
"Lucas, Prince of Darkness"

[201]

Heard in the pits at Thompson Drag strip,"When that flywheel let go it sounded like two skeletons fucking in a garbage can!"

[Krylon Kid]

This happened to a cousin of mine: After a 12 hour day of work he has to takes a friend home to the Dallas area. On the way back he's in an accident (no one hurt). Officer ask him what happened here? His reply: "Hell I don't know, I was asleep".

[55olds88]

couldn't hit a barn door with a Buick (no idea where I got it just seems to come out everytime I miss hitting anything....).
Love the clutch plate story, a guy I know had a spectator pick up a con-rod he spat out of a rally escort once, apparently it was a little warm http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gifbut fortunatly for the picker up still covered in hot oil so he could drop it.
I still like Dogs balls and Belly buttons about things that everyone has....ie tri 5 Chevs http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[wingnutz]

Heard a very busy mechanic say...;

I feel like a mosquito in a "Nudist" colony...,
I know what I got to do ...,
but I don't know where to start...! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

"Drive it like you "Stole it"...! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

"Floor it till you see "GOD" then hit the brakes...! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

"Never drive faster than your Gardian Angel can Fly...! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

"Model A headlights are so dim...; you have to use a flashlight to see if there on"...! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

And in High school our motto was "STAB N STEER"! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[OGNC]

How bout: "Like I used to tell my future ex-wife, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides it's all in the reflexes anyway"

[zman]

[ QUOTE ]

Comment about an Olds-powered Henry J: "Handles like a wheelbarrow with a safe in it."

[/ QUOTE ]

Damn that describes my Henry to a T...

[Tinbender]

"stands out like a dimond in a dogs ass"
"Uglier than a sack of assholes"
"even a blind hog finds an acorn once in a while"
To tela-marketers trying to sell me long distance service "sorry I don't have a phone"
to the many people calling me at the body shop for price of repair "could you hold the phone a little closer to your car"

[Bob K]

On the way to the Nationals, stopped for gas in Layfayette In. There was about 10 cars. Dude pulls up on his HD, put's in his 2.00 worth goes in to pay and when coming back out to leave he stops, looks at us and the rods and say's. "You guys can't afford to drive NEW CARS????".

B http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif B

[VonDad]

Darker than the inside of a black cow.

Hotter'n a fresh finger fucked fox in a forest fire.

Wife's old man useta say he had a 65 plymouth wagon that'd stop on a dime and give ya 9 cents change.

[Hellbound_Hootch]

that car LEAKS like a FISTED whore,,,,

miss hootch

[Germ]

"I took a muff dive once with this italian slut, only problem was I had to go to the dentist to get a hair cut"

[quickrod]

said to me after makin a pass with a buddy of mine on our scoots,"not bad for an old bag of hammers huh?".about a year ago,a bunch of us were at a bike night at a bar about 45 minutes away from were we live,when a buddy of mine pipes up"lets head back to the avenue{meaning back to our neighborhood bar}last one there buys"and without really thinking i said,"aw fuck,better set the fun meter ta two clicks past quick",my freinds lost it and that slogan has stuck to me since.by the way,we made it home in 17 minutes and i did'nt have to buy shit http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gifride fast or be last http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

[FLAT6]

LMFAO!! THe one about the skeletons fucking, that is the funniest thing I have ever heard. Still lasughing! Great posts
Mike

[voneyeball]

slower than molasses in winter (anything slow)

sharper than a pound of wet liver (anyone slow)

smokes like a freight train (car or person)

wanna fight? stick your head up your ass and fight for air.

wanna get laid? crawl up a chicken's ass and wait.

she could fuck the balls off a brass monkey.

and overheard at a "Street Rod" show:
Fat Guy to inquisitive son who wanted info on a flathead powered roadster: "See them valve covers? That there's a HEMI."

now, make like a goat turd, and hit the trail.

[Tudor]

son - you can't polish a turd

[cleatus]

Me: Holding the steering wheel for a friend while he lit his joint.
Cop: Who saw us doing this as we drove past him & pulls us over.
My Friend to the cop: "Don't look at me, he was driving"

Another friend as we walk into a convenience store with a sign on the front that advertises BAIT / TAILOR: "can I get an inch taken off my worm?"

Probably an old one, but a classic by my dad as he watched a woman with a big ass as she walked away: "Looks like two pigs fighting in a gunny sack"

Yet another: "Hungry enough to eat the asshole out of a dead cat"

[Tony]

"Damn! There goes an Edsel full of uglies"
"ride's like a stagecoach on the pondarosa"
"i'm so hungry my stomach's gnawing on my spine"
" got a shit on deck that could choke a donkey"
"hung like a stud'd field mouse"
"beauty is in the eye of the beerholder"
"beer, helping ugly people has sex since 1869"

another skeleton line....
"sounds like 2 skeletons fucking on a tin roof"



i know there's more.If i wasn't tying to think if them, the'd be flowing out like bs from a politician.

Rat..

[Unkl Ian]

From the movie "Used Cars",with Kurt Russel: " That is the dumbest Shit I ever heard. "

[Assdragger]

You drive like old people fuck!

Your all over the road like horse shit after a parade!

I scared that boy so bad you couldnt drive a needle in his ass with a sledge hammer!

I`m so poor, I gotta jack off the dog to feed the cat!

I got a bunch more but I`ve wasted enough bandwidth!

[safariknut]

Tried posting this before but it got lost in the electronic wilderness I guess:
Blonde walks into an auto parts store and asks the counterman for,"a 710 cover".Guy is mystified;has no idea what she's talking about.Asks her where it goes on the car.She says on the engine.He talks with a couple other guys in the shop and they can't figure it out either.Asks her to show him the location.Goes out and opens the hood and points it out.Tries deperately to keep from laughing and walks back in and gets her an,"OIL" cap!

[Fat Hack]

Someone told me once that MOPAR stood for "Move Over...People Are Racing"...

Inspirational phrases:

"Once begun, you're half done!"
"Nothin' to it but ta DO it!"
"When all is said and done, more will get said than done!"
"He who has a thing to sell, and goes and whispers in a well...
is not so apt to get the dollars, as he who climbs a tree and hollars!"

After blowing up a motor...

"Yeah, we let the smoke out of it!"

Gallagher, holding up a picture of the Space Shuttle halfway up the launch pad with all the fire and smoke billowing...

"Only in America do we think it's okay to use THAT much fuel to only go THAT far!...

...Hell, this is a Chrysler backing into a parking space here!"

Other faves...

"Got eight cylinders and uses 'em all
Got overdrive fourth and just won't stall!"

"We got four on the floor and four in the air on that one!"

"I got racing stripes and dual pipes,
And Smokey's got a Ford...
Got a mill with a four pot carb, ya know,
But Smokey's stroked and bored..."

"You can shut the gate on this one, Maxie...it's the Dog's Guts!"

[Pigiron]

Guy comes up on a major babe at the bar, "Fuck me if I'm wrong but isn't your name Yolanda?"

[Smokin Joe]

My mother blew a stopsign once when I was riding with her. Guy has to slam on the brakes to keep from centerpunching my passenger side door. I just about shit my pants. She looks over at me trying to not have a heart attack and says: "Well, I got my half across, how'd you do!"

While trying to teach a girlfriend how to drive a clutch, she was concentrating on the clutch so much she didn't check for traffic at an intersection. I said: "Wait, there's a car comming!"
Head snapped back, tires went up in smoke, and next thing I knew we were in the borrow pit on the other side of the road. No idea how the guy missed us.
She looks at me before I can say anything and says: "Don't call me stupid. You gave me the keys!"

[Curly]

My ex-wife drives truck. She was driving a new Peterbuilt and was fueling up when a Joe Cowboy trucker asked her how she liked her Peterbuilt. She Replied "'bout as big and round as a beer can and twice as long!"

Slicker than snot on a linoleum floor.

That's lower than whale shit.

Ain't exactly the brightest lightbulb now is he?

Sharper than a bowling ball and as bout as bright as one too.

Oooh! That's gonna leave a mark!

I'm so hungry I could eat the ass out of a menstratin' skunk.

[Fat Hack]

Well, it's a kind of local refference from maybe 15 years ago, but the case got national attention...

...a cop pulled me over for pulling a smokey one around a corner, and his opening line was "So...did ya have a foot cramp, Mr Delisle?"

I said "I was just test driving the new carb, Sir..."

He smiled back and said "Ya better back it off a notch...so's the tires don't melt!"

No ticket...cool cop! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[voodoo]

I got a four on the floor
and a fifth under the seat.

[kustombuilder]

[ QUOTE ]
My mother blew a stopsign once

[/ QUOTE ]

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif....NEVERMIND!

[choprods]

a buddy always quotes these two"Hell-you aint gonna tell her that baby's ugly!"......and another"How do you explain BAD TASTE to someone who has it"?.........[about a sick car]"That car wont pull a greasy string out of a cats ass!".........."Bumpin'-Uglies"[a reference to an intimate act] http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif........"constipated-cant pass a thing"[this was on an ol race car].......my favorite[quote from a Hells Angels-MC member]...."Hell-I'd swim under water and Fuck fish for that kinda money!" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[kustombuilder]

[ QUOTE ]
son - you can't polish a turd

[/ QUOTE ]

a friend of mine from high school that was really into early 70s Cutlass' (with the factory gold color engines) used to say that every time i'd get a new project, till i finaly said "NO, but you can paint it GOLD!!". http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif never heard that line outa him again.

[derelict]

A long time ago I heard Road Apples Dad complaining about a hangover saying "I feel like a runner up in a rake fight".

[QQMOON]

Jimmy was drivin his old leyland semi up a very steep hill with a mile of trafic behind him now the old girl was flatout doin 15mph up this hill anyway over the cb radio we here this bloke say"i hope this leyand gets up this hill before it runs outa rego" those of you who have seen the old girl at speed will know!!!

[superbell]

LMAO to this one the other day while watching the tube, Scene went something like this... A family is on a long drive, The 10 year old girl in the back "Daaad I have to go to the bathroom" I can't stop now! Daaad I have to go!!! Well your going to have to hold it! Daaad I have to poop...bad! Can't you hold it for a little longer? Daaad I'm prarie dogging now!!!!!.... You have to picture it.

[jerry]

feel worse than a one legged man at an ass kicking contest!

lights are on but no ones home.

jerry

[Mongo]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
son - you can't polish a turd

[/ QUOTE ]

a friend of mine from high school that was really into early 70s Cutlass' (with the factory gold color engines) used to say that every time i'd get a new project, till i finaly said "NO, but you can paint it GOLD!!". http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif never heard that line outa him again.

[/ QUOTE ]That is too fucking funny Mike. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
If I want any shit out of you I'll squeeze your fucking head http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[tredboy]

i noticed how this thread sorta got off the car topic, so here goes:

business is good and i said "i'm busier than a one armed paper hanger"
or
"i'm busier than a one legged man at an ass kickin' contest"

i'm partial to the lines that bring in the ladies, so if anyone wants to hear some, i've got a shitload, just lemme know...

they're funny...

later skaters.
tred.

[Detonator]

Buddy and me on a road trip down the coast stopped at an old bar in Cambria for a cool. Since it was the middle of the day there was no one there but us and the bartender -- till this wacked-out gal walks in. She yells down to the bartender that she wants a creme de menthe with a beer back-up. He look at us, shakes his head, and just says "no brains, so no hangover"

[40StudeDude]

Here's one from one of my favorites from The Friday Nite Read stories:

Hmmmm, Becky wasn’t too bad. “Hi,” she said, smiled and jiggled. Sure was cuter than the two girls Tiny and his other pal had taken out last weekend: the Lee sisters; Home-lee and Ug-lee.

R-

[CrazyDaddy]

I'm so hungry, I'm farting fresh air !

[Mutt]

Do you think masturbation will ever get out of hand?

[briggs&strattonChev]

2 years ago I blew up the 350 in my 1990 chevy pu. I got a reman engine from checkers, and 561 miles later that one blew up. I was pretty pissed about it, and I called my girlfriend to tell her the news about my second engine blowing up. She said, "Didnt you just put an engine in it, or was that a motor?"

[Boyd Who]

The scene...
A few years ago at the Calgary World of Wheels. Group of really old restorer types bitching about a nice '32 5-window rod that was on display.
One of the local rodders comes up, listens to them for a minute or two, then leans into the groups and says...
"Just think...you guys are all old, and will die soon. Then WE'LL get your cars."
Old fuckers damn near had strokes!

[shoebox72]

"The light aint gonna get no greener"
"You do crop dustin' on the side?" (smoking car)
"Grind me a pound" (gear grinding)

O/T "You serve fries with that shake?"
" I'd eat a mile of her shit just to see where it came from"

[Ayers Garage]

Heard at a British car show......

You know why we British drink warm beer? Because our refrigerators are made by Lucas too.

[Rocky]

My dad's favorite: Hotter'n a half fucked heiffer...

[Kustom??]

I have to say the funniest line a butch of girls said to a friend of mine was..

" I love your car but i dont like you" we were 17 at a stop light sitting in a 928 porsche..i almost fell out dying laughing needless to say he was pretty pissed...( I thought it was funny anyway) http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Also another saying around here...You car handles like a baby carraige...or like a wet mop...

[imfatdad]

My Dad would always say to my brother or I when we "occassionally" went a bit faster than we should have that we were "a regular ol Barney Oldfield"...

[chromedRAT]

my dad always said "they'll make em outta rubber for ya next year" whenever somebody fucks up a shift and grinds em real bad. then there's "slower than smoke (steam) off of cold (actually fresh on a cold day) shit." that's kind of reserved for use by dairy farmers, which would explain it. got a few more, but i also have CRS so i can't recall...

as fara s barney oldfield goes, i heard that long after he retired, he got pulled over and the cop said "who the hell do you think you are, barney oldfield???" to which he replied "well, yeah."

oh, man, people around SE ohio have heard of this guy, T, and at least one HAMBer from the UK stopped at his place once a few years back. anyway, after geting back from being a door gunner out of a huey in nam, he became an on-call pilot for US air, and had to dive from zanesville to columbus or pittsburgh alot. he was flat out flyin in a new corvette when a cop pulls him over and smart-assed asks "where's your pilot's license, buddy?" T produced said license, and the cop was not impressed:)

[happy hoppy]

a guy at work talking about the size of his junk, " mine looks like a button on a fur coat "

[29EHV8]

American beer is like screwing in a canoe,its fucking near water.
We were racing our stockcar a few years ago at an invitational race outa town.Our car was kickin ass in the heats and the local hot shot crashes our car on purpose.I'm fuckin pissed,so me and one of my crew members goes over to their pit to ask em whats up.The drivers wife is there and she starts giving us total attitude.Now i'm really pissed.I look at her from about two inches from her nose and I sniff twice really loud.She looks at me as if to say whats up.I say to her as I look down at her crotch,"fuck,you smell like an anchovie farm" Before I can see her reaction I hear this noise.I look beside me and my crew member is on his knees holding his stomach.I think that one of their guys has hit him.But it turns out he was laughing his ass off so hard his guts were hurting at what I said to the bitch!Turns out later on in the main event that we kicked there ass and won the big race.......Shiny

[TexasHardcore]

Old lady coming out the corner store, me and a few friends checking out a friends' mid 80's GMC Short Step 4x4 on 44's, she said..."Is that one of them monster trucks?".

Hanging around the garage, just finished install of fresh "hot rod" motor in friend's '78 Camaro, he goes..."if this thing starts I'll be happier than a puppy with two peeters".

"Turd-floater" - Heavy rain
"Handles like it's on rails" - Tight Suspension

"Fucked up like a football bat"

[InPrimer]

My favorite.. not car related but to the point..." I could have been your father, but the dog beat me over the fence"

[redmeat]

<font color="red"> Well this has been appropriate for me at work lately......"Busier then a one legged man at an ass-kicking contest"........

or "that is gayer then Tinky-Winky fisting Micheal Jackson!

R E D M E A T </font>

[candyman]

"she looks like 40 miles of bad road"

and I also love the proverbial

"looks like a monkey fucking a football"

[SKR8PN]

Busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockin' chairs.

It's all pink on the INSIDE.

Ain't but two kinds of women....
Good old big ones and Big old good ones.

about tall women...
Nose to nose and your toes are in it,
Toe to toe and your nose is in it.

Them pants are so tight,if she farts,she'll blow her boots off!

She can suck a golf ball thru a garden hose.

She was so ugly,her momma had to tie a pork-chop bone around her neck to get the dog to play with her.....

Beauty may be only skin deep,but UGLY goes to the BONE.
http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[AV8Paul]

"It's raining harder than a two cunted cow pissin on a flat rock"

I heard that while stationed in Alabama in 1964. It still makes me laugh out loud when I think of it.

[36couper]

For those with a generous posterior: "She's got a butt about two axe handles wide"
My Dad used to say about something that was junk: "Not worth a pinch of coon-stuff" or his other favorite: "Holy Teapots" ( I never knew what that meant!)

[Crafty]

Alleged incident in the late 80s, Nigel Mansell is a household name in the UK as our homegrown F1 star, although Senna is acknowledged as the best driver "ever".

Ayrton Senna is making good speed in a porsche 911 on the M25 ( freeway that circles London ).
Cop pulls him over and says "Who do you think you are ? Nigel Mansell ?"

Ayrton was not impressed.

[FONZI]

Does that thing run?


FONZI

[Dooley]

Friend of mine was telling someone how fast his 307 two barrel was and this guys repies, "It would'nt go that fast if you dropped it from an airplane."

Also like "crazy as a shithouse rat".
and "stupider than hammered shit."

[kritz]

one used by my brother when referring to some unsightly strippers breasts. "DAMN, her tits kinda look like a hockey puck in a tube sock" it was true!!!
then there's his ultimate pickup line..."hey baby, so what's up on fuc*in' ??" i'll be damned if it doesn't work too!!!

at one of the local cruised this past fall, jdubbya, his dad, me and a few other people were standing around complaining oabout how it was getting cold..joe's dad mentioned having to roll up the window for the drive home...
i say.."shit, if i roll up the window, my damn turn signals don't work"
(my ford has no turn signals, so it's hand signals for me...)
it took everyone a second to get the joke..me included

sorry, i swear like a teamster.

[Assdragger]

I was at Frog Follies walking around with my Dad one year when he see`s a girl with alot of cellulite(sp) on her legs. Pops turns around, looks at me and say`s.(damn, that ol gal has some serious hail damage!)
I had to stop and blow the pepsi out of my nose!!

Then you have: That girl is so fine, I`d drag my balls over a mile of busted beer bottles just to smell the tire tracks of the laundry truck that hauled her dirty pantys away!

[4t64rd]

Back in the day we thought it was hilarious to walk up to a girl in a club and say "you want to dance?" and if she turned you down, you could always say "you misunderstood", I said "you look fat in those pants", if she said yes... only my dancing was funny.

[kustombuilder]

if i wanted any of your lip i'd wiggle my zipper!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[kustombuilder]

[ QUOTE ]
The scene...
A few years ago at the Calgary World of Wheels. Group of really old restorer types bitching about a nice '32 5-window rod that was on display.
One of the local rodders comes up, listens to them for a minute or two, then leans into the groups and says...
"Just think...you guys are all old, and will die soon. Then WE'LL get your cars."
Old fuckers damn near had strokes!

[/ QUOTE ]

thats fucking hilarious. i wish i coulda seen the looks on their faces!!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[kustombuilder]

behind someone after the light has allready turned green. "WHAT SHADE OF GREEN YOU WAITING FOR??"

[Tcoupe]

concerned for a friend who had just smashed his finger, I said "stick it in cider (inside her)"

[Ryan]

Anonymous drunk punk ass to good friend Kevin Lee (Grimlok):

"Hey man, you don't skate the same line you used too..."

[JK]

I wish I had a video camera for that whole little exchange!

[D Picasso]

to describe something out-of-control, I've always enjoyed the line, "like a bag of cats going down to the river."

[hankcash]

"I feel like a one-legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond"

HC

[Kevin Lee]

"Dude, it must suck to be tone deaf." Said to Ryan by same anon. drunk douchebag.

[jdubbya]

Here is my best: MUSTANG-messed up shit that aint no good, PORSCHE-proves only rich snobs can have everything.

"She is dumber than a bag of hammers"

And here are the best pick up lines I have heard: howz about me and you go halves on a bastard, and-how about going back to my place for a pizza and a fuck?...what..ya don't like pizza?

[CruZer]

Here's one I use a lot talking about ratty or "unfinished cars": " You can't put a shine on a sneaker." Good for describing us T-shirt and jeans guys,too !!!!

[Ryan]

Drunk shit: Hey man, you make music?

Ryan: Nope, tone deaf really...

Drunk shit: Damn, that must suck...

Ryan: It's not so bad...

Kevin: Yeah, he gets along pretty good.

Drunk shit: You don't skate the same line you used too.

JK: I'm going to fucking kill him

Inside joke... You had to be there.

[Paul]

[ QUOTE ]
I am 6'2" and 300lbs. Every time you want a drink picture me hiting you square in the face with a 2x4 if that helps.

[/ QUOTE ]

[kustombuilder]

my favorite pick up line... "nice shoes. wanna fuck??" i've never tried it but i've heard it works. a couple girls i used to work with said it COULD work. they said it would be a great "icebreaker". i'd be afraid of getting my nose broken personaly.

[theodore]

My friend did "research" on that one Kustombuilder...4 or 5 out of 100 will actually go home with you, for all the other ones, duck. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[born2late]

An oldtimer buddy of mine describes anything that goes easy, or quick or smooth as " like shit through a tin horn" I have no idea what the hell that means!!! How about " that chick is as hot as a dog with 2 dicks" Or for someone that is confused "he dosen't know whether to shit or go blind" Again, no idea!!

[mr57]

Best pick up line of all time:
1) Wanna go for a drink and a fuck?
Slap!
2) What's wrong? Don't drink?
Slap!
3) I suppose a blowjob is out of the question?

Either a slap or........

[SamIyam]

My buddy Steve goes up to the god lookin' neighbor gal and she says "what smells so good" he thinks to himself "A hard on... but I didn't think you could smell it!".

"Tighter that a horses ass at fly time"

My neghbor used to say "anyone hurt in that wreck" every time we'd bring a new car home.

And when we'd see a tall woman we'd say "she can stand flat foot and shit in the back of a dumpster".

Sam.

[safariknut]

[ QUOTE ]
my favorite pick up line... "nice shoes. wanna fuck??" i've never tried it but i've heard it works. a couple girls i used to work with said it COULD work. they said it would be a great "icebreaker". i'd be afraid of getting my nose broken personaly.

[/ QUOTE ]
Mike I had a friend a long time ago who used to say that to just about every girl he saw when we were hanging around the beach.Never worked for him and he mostly got cold stares as the girl stalked off.One day this not-too-bad looking chick comes walking along and he tries his usual line.She didn't even stop walking just said,"No but my brother does;Why don't you bring your mother down?" Don't think he ever used that one again!

[Tinbender]

"Are you ignorant, or just apathetic?"
"I don’t know, and I don’t care"

"Give that boy a steel ball,and a rawhide mallet... he'll destroy both of them in an hour"

[Rocket88]

Not my line, but a buddies. He's got a 100 pound pitbull named "Dawg"
What do you do if Dawg starts humpin' your leg...
let him!!

[mojo66]

Looks like a fried egg hanging on a hook!
(small, saggy tits)

He's more useless than a monkey fucking a football!!

[Fat Hack]

"Dealing with (women, men, kids, cars, etc) is like trying to nail Jello to a tree"

[29EHV8]

Hes not the sharpest tool in the shed
Hes a few sandwiches short of a picnic
His elevator don't go all the way to the top

Hey honey wanna go halfers on a baby
Excuse me,do you mind if I lay on top of you.
Blondie,blondie drop the laundry
You see a hot girl with a skirt on at a bar.walk up to her and ask if she wants to play "dress up"

Paint is for houses,NOT HOT RODS
Fiberglass is for hot tubs,NOT HOT RODS

My brother is losing his hair big time.People will say to him,fuck are you ever going bald eh.He'll reply,"If you wanna waste your hormones growing hair go right ahead.I'm using all mine on my wife!"

I use this line all the time in roadblocks....
Cop...Good evening sir,
Me...good evening,
Cop...Had anything to drink tonight,
Me...Nope,don't drink myself,
Cop...OK good night,
Me driving away muttering....I drink with my friends.......Shiny

[Honest]

Its ok to "whip your mule" if he comes up to the barn on his own....just dont call him up and whip him.
Think about it..

[FEDER]

The announcer at FAMOSA CHRR says after Mike Boyd makes a pass in the Winged Express---
You couldnt get me out of the electric to drive THAT car!!!
Feder

[jdubbya]

An old guy I used to work with, while discussing beer, said that he dosen't drink that draft beer, because last time he drank it he "coulda shit through a screen door".
Same guy also stated one day that he was so hungry, that his asshole was eating his under-shorts.

[C. Montgomery]

this crazy bastard i used to work with used the pickup line after he was fairly intoxicated- "how's about i punch you in the kidneys an fuck you up the ass?"

[296 V8]

uglyer than a sack of dirty assholes. been used on more than a few cars and ...................................

[negativeMatt]

"man, it's hotter than two rats fuckin' in a wool sock!!"
that's gotta be my all time favorite, but i'm gonna start using that skeleton one tomorrow!!

[safariknut]

Another one:"She's got ugly she hasn't even USED yet!"

"If I owned that dog,I'd shave his ass and make him walk backwards!"

"You talk about people who don't know nothing;she doesn't even SUSPECT nothing!"

[29EHV8]

Her teeth were so bad she could eat corn on the cob threw a chainlink fence.......Shiny

[chaco]

"If you want people to talk sh!t about you, get rich, If you want people to say good things about you, Die.

When $2.00 come up in a conversation I always have to say "Myy twoo dollaarrss" If you know what movie thats from then you know your cool.

Im sweaten like a 2 dollar whore in church.

[Travis]

Kinda stupid but I laughed...

When Earnhardt jr did a barrel roll down the stretch at Daytona (his first one?) some reporter asks him... "What did you see?"

He replied "Grass sky grass sky grass sky..."

Travis

[Fat Hack]

Chaco...."Better Off Dead" kicked ASS....and John Cusack looked like GERM! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[Jimv]

about a dumb person: Sharper then a bowling ball!!
Buck teeth: can eat a earof corn thru a picket fench!
Bow legged person: couldn't stop a pig in a alley!
said about Hank williams: hes so skinny you can hear his bones rattle when he walks!!
about a fast car: It gets such good traction the car stays still &amp; the world turns!!
JimV http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[kustombuilder]

[ QUOTE ]
"If you want people to talk sh!t about you, get rich, If you want people to say good things about you, Die.

When $2.00 come up in a conversation I always have to say "Myy twoo dollaarrss" If you know what movie thats from then you know your cool.

Im sweaten like a 2 dollar whore in church.

[/ QUOTE ]


if you kow that one your better off dead http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[kustombuilder]

you must'a fell from the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif.

[negativeMatt]

" damn, somebody threw away a perfectly good white boy"

[Fat Hack]

"Skiing is easy! Go that way...really fast...if something gets in your way...turn!"

[shoebox72]

For if you owe someone money or something and they keep hounding you, "I'd rather owe it to ya than fuck ya out of it"

I use this at work alot, "Gimmie that/let me do it before you make me fuckin puke."

Billy

[Tinbender]

Stuff heard in the body shop;
"if you wanted it back today, you shoulda wrecked it a few days sooner."
My favorite; "I didn't build it, I didn't buy it, and I sure as fuck didn't wreck it."

[k-member]

I had a 65 Fairlane once that was lowered on Americans,shaved door handles, and 188 louvers in the hood. A guy walks up and is lookin the car all over and says "Damn were did you get that snake bellied hood"

[Fat Hack]

I still love the line that Rocky used to describe Fat Jack Robinson's style of car building...

"All cattle, No hat!"

That says it all...wish ol'Jack was still in the spotlight buildin' cars!!

[Mutt]

When I asked a guy, who had hit a tree head on at midnight, why he was wearing sunglasses, he said, "'cause when you're cool, the sun always shines."

[Gr8ballsofir]

Said in your best Hillbilly Voice: "That got a Hemi in it?"

[snapper]

Long, long time ago while at tech school, I notice some friends across the shop goofing off while working on some one's car and that's when I hear a professor yell out.... " Hey Stump, (friends nic name) we're just trying to teach you how to do it without the tree.