View Full Version : So, this Irishman walks into a bar....


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Junkyard Dog 32
01-14-2005, 08:52 PM
...with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender says, "Sir, I see you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants."

The Irishman replies, "Eye, laddy, it's drivin' me nuts."


Ba-dum-bumm...

JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

Gr8ballsofir
01-14-2005, 08:57 PM
Ya know, the Irish gave the Scots the idea for the bagpipes...

And they still haven't gotten the JOKE!!

Junkyard Dog 32
01-14-2005, 08:58 PM
Then there was the guy who set out across Alaska and broke down in the middle of nowhere, in a blizzard. He did manage to get through on his celphone,and
later, when the tow truck got there,
the mechanic took a look and said, "Sir, it looks like you've blown a seal."

The guy replied, "No I didn't... It's just frost on my moustache, I swear!" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif




Thank you, don't forget to tip your SERVER... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

201
01-14-2005, 09:11 PM
A guy walks into a doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says."Can I help you?". The duck says"Yes, get this guy off my ass!"

Junkyard Dog 32
01-14-2005, 09:21 PM
Ducks?

These three ducks get arrested...
They go to court and the judge calls the first duck.

The judge says to the first duck, "State your name and your crime."

"My name's Quack", the duck says, "and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Well, that isn't so bad.", says the judge, laughing a bit, "Just pay a $10 fine and go on home."

Then the judge says to the second duck, "State your name and your crime."

"My name's Quack-Quack", the duck says, "and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond, too."

"Well, that isn't so bad.", says the judge, "Just pay a $10 fine and go on home."

Then the judge says to the third duck, "Don't tell me... Your name is Quack-Quack-Quack... Right?"

The duck says, "No your honor, it's Bubbles." http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif


JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

modernbeat
01-14-2005, 09:28 PM
Easy with the Scot jokes - my name's McDaniel...

Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.


I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, No, the steaks are too high.


I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says: I'll give you some cream to put on it.

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That's the Tom Jones syndrome." ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual".

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"; "Well" says the vet, let's have a look at him; So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." What? Because he's cross-eyed? "No, because he's really heavy."

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat git!"

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, I've hurt my arm in several places; The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

The Shocker
01-14-2005, 10:24 PM
Mickey Mouse took Minnie Mouse to court for a divorce.The judge looked at the documents and said to Mickey ,I see you want to divorce her on the grounds off her insanity.No your honor,said Mickey I never said she was insane ,I said she was fucking Goofy!

4t64rd
01-14-2005, 10:36 PM
A guy walks into a bar...


It left a nasty bruise on his face.

tred
01-14-2005, 10:42 PM
didja hear christopher reeves killed himself?

he got tired of being pushed around.





what's the opposite of christopher reeves?

christopher walken.





i've got some rude ones if ya really want them, no sex stuff, just good old offensive jokes.

tred.

Lionheart
01-14-2005, 10:44 PM
Johnny : My dogs ass got run over.
Teacher : You should say rectum.
Johnny : Rectum, FUCK, it kill't him !!!!

chub chub
01-14-2005, 10:44 PM
guy walks into a bar with an octopus, says to the bartender... "i'll bet 50 bucks this octopus can play any instrument you got". bartender points to a piano in the corner. octopus sits down and plays a tune. bartender points to some bagpipes. octopus picks them up and fumbles around with them for a while. guy asks the octopus... "well, aren't you gonna play it?". octopus replies... "play it? hell, if i can get these pajamas off it, i'm gonna fuck it!".

Tman
01-14-2005, 10:52 PM
3 Pregnant chics in line at the Supermarket, a Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde. The brunette looks at the others and smiles, says "Mines a boy!" Blonde asks how she knows? "He was on top" said the Brunette.

The Redhead says, "Mines a girl!", again, the Blonde asks how she knows? "I was on top." said the redhead.

About that time, the blonde starts to cry and the other two ask her why? "I'm having PUPPIES." she sobs!

JohnnyB327
01-14-2005, 11:19 PM
I'm sorry if some take this wrong but here we go...what do ya call a woman w/ two black eyes?..NOTHIN, ya told her twice!
What do ya call a woman with one black eye?.. A quick learner

Why do blondes like tilt steering?...MORE HEAD ROOM! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif *says that as if a mid 80's hair band lead singer* (Rock on val John)

I got a good one bout feminist and why they cross the street but it's REALLY messed up....

tatts
01-14-2005, 11:23 PM
theres a man and a woman in an elevator the man asks" can i smell your pussy?"
she replines "no you can not"

man-"well it must be your feet then"

chub chub
01-14-2005, 11:28 PM
johnnyb327, you should be ashamed. by the way, what do you do when your wife is stumbling around in the back yard?
shoot her again.

Junkyard Dog 32
01-14-2005, 11:32 PM
A guy goes to a high dollar stables to buy a race horse.

The stable boy leads the horse out and the man begins to look it over.

He checks it's posture, he checks it's teeth... all the usual things...

Than he asks, "Can I see her twat?"

The stable boy was shocked, but didn't want to blow the sale, so he complied, and lifted the horses tail.

To which the man replied, "No, no, I want to see her twat awound the TWACK..."


JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

A&WAUTO
01-14-2005, 11:32 PM
What do you call a smart blonde ???

GOLDEN RETRIEVER

SnoDawg
01-14-2005, 11:58 PM
Found out here in Alaska that they are taking the dimmer switches out of the steering column and mounting them back on the floor cause there have been too many night accidents caused by blonds getting their feet caught in the steering wheel.

JohnnyB327
01-15-2005, 12:00 AM
[ QUOTE ]
johnnyb327, you should be ashamed. by the way, what do you do when your wife is stumbling around in the back yard?
shoot her again.

[/ QUOTE ]

HAHAHAHAHA

Any man can hit a woman but it takes a real man to knock her lights out!

SlowLearner
01-15-2005, 12:29 AM
JohnyB327 and "chub chub", don't you know funnny from fucked up? The ladies can be a pain in the ass sometimes...(like guys aren't pricks once in awhile) but shooting'em (TWICE?) or "punching their lights out" not only ain't an option, it's not FUNNY (you dumb fucks!)
Stick to Irishmen ...or rabbis.
And "Chub".... stop putting those frogs on the railroad tracks. JEEZUZ!

v8minor
01-15-2005, 02:23 AM
Come on guys if there are any Irish lookin at this , hold on thats me.. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif..

Lionheart
01-15-2005, 02:40 AM
The 'Ultimate Waste of Space'.

A bus load of Lawyers, going over a cliff, with two empty seats. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif

Phil1934
01-15-2005, 02:42 AM
Two Irish men walk out of a pub. Hey, it could happen.

Christian
01-15-2005, 02:48 AM
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb.

2, one to put the kettle on, and one to suck my dick while I do it.

348tripower
01-15-2005, 06:28 AM
So, this guy goes to the doctor for a check up. The doc comes out and says, I got some good new and some bad news! The guy says gimme the bad news first Doc. The Doc says well, ya got 24 hours to live. The guy says oh my god Doc, whats the good news. Doc says, did ya see that goood lookin blonde nurse in the office here? The guy says YES! Well the Doc says, I'm fuckin her!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuel pump
01-15-2005, 06:42 AM
Thanks for a good morning laugh guys. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

glassguy
01-15-2005, 07:33 AM
whats the 1st thing a woman does after getting home from the battered womans shelter???? the fuckin dishes if she knows whats good for her.....

rjb
01-15-2005, 10:20 AM
two guys walk into a bar... the third one ducks.

4t64rd
01-15-2005, 10:34 AM
So there are these 3 traveling salesmen traveling together, they've had a tough day of selling and they are tired and need to find a room.

They walk into the nearest hotel and ask the cleark for 3 rooms.

The clerk says he only has one room, but it has a king size bed.

They are really tired and they know each other well, so they say OK and go upstairs.

They all sleep in the bed and the next morning they wake up. The first salesman says "I slept like a baby except I had the feeling that somebody was 'playing' with me"

The second salesmen said " me too!

The guy that had to sleep in the middle says "that's funny, I just dreamt I was skiing"

nate
01-15-2005, 10:40 AM
a horse walks into a bar... the bartender says "Why the long face?"

nate
01-15-2005, 10:42 AM
2 penguins are standing on an iceberg. One penguin looks at the other, points, and laughs "HA! It looks like you're wearing a tuxedo!"

The other penguin says "Who says I'm not?"

Christiana56TS
01-15-2005, 12:28 PM
A farmer notices his best horse is too depressed to work, and has been for some time. He goes to the local bar an announces he will give $100 to anyone who can cheer his horse up.

A stranger at the bar took his challenge and they went to the farm. Two minutes later, the stranger walked out leading a laughing horse. The farmer thanked him and paid him.

A week later the horse is still laughing and still not working. The farmer goes to the bar and finds the stranger.

The farmer tells him "I'll give you another $100 if you can get him to stop, he won't work!"

They go back to the farm, the stranger goes into the barn and walks out a minute later with a stunned silent horse.

The farmer says "I'll give you the $100 I owe you, but you have to tell me how you did this!"

"Easy" Replied the stranger "First I told him my dick was bigger than his, and then I showed him"

Junkyard Dog 32
01-15-2005, 01:14 PM
This chick goes to a parts dealer to get a new hinge for the door of her HOT ROD.

The parts guy goes through the rack, finds the part and looks inside the box.

He notices that one of the four fasteners is missing,
and says,"You want a screw for this hinge?"

To which she replies, "No, but I'll blow you for a new set of tires."

JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

Artiki
01-15-2005, 01:25 PM
A sandwich walks into a bar...the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food."

30dodgeboy
01-15-2005, 01:30 PM
Do you know how many Irish jokes there are?
(wait for answer)
Nope.
(wait for a second answer)
Nope.

Only 3 or 4. The rest are all true!!!

'Flyin' Dutchman'
01-15-2005, 01:33 PM
Why can't a bike stand on it's own...?

















Because it's 2 tired...

Kev Nemo
01-15-2005, 01:44 PM
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender
" I'd like...........a shot of tequila



bartender sez: "Hey, why the big paws?"

Junkyard Dog 32
01-15-2005, 01:56 PM
Okay... my all time favorite...

Newt Witherspoon, the famous Big Game hunter, was sitting around a bar, getting drunk and bragging about how great he was in the Wilderness.

"I bet a round of drinks that, BLINDFOLDED, I can feel the hide of any animal and not ONLY tell you what animial it's from, but the weapon that killed it."

So, bets were laid, the blindfold was tied tight and the first hide was laid before Newt. He rubbed it, he stroked it, gave it a sniff...he felt for the bullet hole...

"Bobcat... killed with a Remington .22" he said.

Sure enough... so they drank and the next challenge was put in front of him. He rubbed it, he felt for the bullet hole, he flipped it... gave it a little sniff...

"Wolf... killed with a Winchester 30-30", he said.

Sure enough... so they drank and the next challenge was put in front of him. He rubbed it, he flipped it, he felt for the bullet hole... gave it a little sniff...

"Elk... killed with a Weatherby .300 mag", was his guess.

Sure enough... and it went on...
finally, Newt staggered home and went to bed.

The next morning, he woke to find his face was beat to shit.
Black eyes, fat lips... beat.

"Honey!" he said, "I don't remember getting in a fight at the bar. What happened to me?"

She said, "Well, you came home drunk, as usual, but when you climbed into bed, you crammed your hand down my pants, gave it a little sniff and "Skunk... killed with an ax."


JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

Upchuck
01-15-2005, 02:00 PM
how does a girl know if a guy has a good sperm count?

she has to chew before she swallows http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

KnuckleDragger
01-15-2005, 02:07 PM
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
He noticed that there was a large brandi glass behind
the bar full of money. The guy asked the bartender what
was with the glass, bartender replies that it is for
the on going bet in the bar. The guy asked what was
it, bartender replied that as soon as he put in the
100 bucks for the bet he would let him know.
The guy thought that wasn't worth not know what he would be
getting himself into. The guy continued to drink until
he was very well intoxicated. He yelled to the bartender,
I am ready for this bet. Bartender walks over and
collects the 100 dollars from the man and said,
the first challenge is to go knock out the biggest bouncer
in here, then go in the back room and pull a single
tooth from my rabid pitbull, and lastley go satisfy a
90 year old virgin upsatairs. The guy looks
at the bartender downs his drink and heads over to the bouncer.
As the guy is walking over to the bouncer he
grabs a metal stool and wails the bouncer across the face with it.
The bounce falls down and out. Man walks back to the bar and
orders a few more shots, he said he just not ready to face a
rabid pit bull. After his shots he walks back to
the room with the dog in it. Once inside you hear the dog
barking and growling at the man. After a little while the dog
starts the yelp and whine. A few moments later the
guy walks out of the backroom zipping up his jeans and said,
now where is this old women that needs a tooth pulled.. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

Jonney

Junkyard Dog 32
01-15-2005, 02:10 PM
The last one reminded me of THIS one...

Big Dan, the logger, while getting drunk in a bar, bragged that, BLINDFOLDED, he could smell any piece of wood and tell you the kind and size of it.

So, the first piece was laid in front of him, he smelled it... end to end.

"It's a Pine 2x4 about 6 feet long."

He was right, but there were still some that thought it was luck, so another piece was put in front of him.

He sniffed it, and said, "Easy... It's Oak and it's a 5 foot 2x6.

Again, he nailed it.

After more successful showings, the bar owner told his wife to take off her dress and climb on the table.

Dan smelled and sniffed...
Puzzled, he asked,"Can you please flip it?"
He sniffed and smelled, and said,
"I'm not sure on this one, but I think it's the shithouse door from a tuna boat." http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif


JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

Spooky
01-15-2005, 02:24 PM
Hey!
How ya doin', hoy ya doin' out there.....
Not to say it is cold out there, but I just saw a fire hydrant offereing dogs money to get urinated upon! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif
Hey!
really folks..It is good to be here. You know, two guys walk into a bar.... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif
Kinda stupid really, the second guy should have seen the first guy walk into it!
Hey! Don't forget to tip the staff, I'll be here all week......

Derek Mitchell
01-15-2005, 02:32 PM
Two sausages in a frying pan, one says "Its getting hot in here.", the other says, "AHHHHH, a talking sausage!!!" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Derek Mitchell
01-15-2005, 02:44 PM
How are a woman and a screen door alike?

The harder you slam'em, the looser they get!!

SnoDawg
01-15-2005, 02:47 PM
Two Guys was talking in a bar about what was their most painful experience.

The first guy brought up the time he drilled through his finger with a drill.
The Second guy said hell that is nothing I can tell you about a painful experience.
"I was out hunting one winter day and I needed to take a shit so I found a place that looked good up against a tree and started to pinch a loaf and the turd fell smack in the middle of a wolf trap which immediately snapped shut on my balls."
"Damn I can see where that would be the most painful experience" said the first guy.
"Hell that was nothing."said the second guy. " What really hurt was when I hit the end of the chain."

Artiki
01-15-2005, 02:56 PM
His Holiness the Pope is heading to the US for a tour. He gets off his plane, waits for his luggage and heads for the airport exit to meet up with his driver.
There's a small guy with a moustache near the door holding up a board that says 'His Holiness'. The Pope realises that this is his ride. As the pair of them are walking towards the limo, the Pope says...
"Hey, how 'bout letting me drive?"
The driver says "Your Holiness, no disrepect, but I can't do that. I could lose my job"
"Ah c'mon" says the Pope "They never let me drive anywhere in the Vatican City. Nobody will know, let me drive, will ya?"
The driver responds "Please, your Eminence, don't put me in an awkward position"
"Here, give me the keys" says John-Paul II, "Please?"
"Ah...okay...but please drive carefully, I really can't afford to lose my job"
His Holiness exits the airport car park carefully and reaches he freeway without a hitch. The driver is sat in the back seat, biting his finger-nails with nerves. He can barely look.
As soon as they are on the freeway, the Pope floors it. The motor roars and they are soon speeding. The driver starts panicing.
"Er, your holiness? Don't you think you're going a little fast? Can we slow down a little, sir?
The Pope isn't listening, he's having too much fun weaving in and out of all the traffic. He proves himself to be a natural behind the wheel and soon sees that he's doing over 105mph. The driver is now on his knees, half sobbing - half praying.
Just then, he sees a flashing blue light and the car slows down and pulls over. The driver is now resigned to losing his job but doesn't care because at least he'll get out of the car alive.
The cop gets out of his car and walks toward the limo, the Pope drops his window and the cop looks in. The driver is now crying like a baby in the back. The cop says nothing, walks back to his squad car and radio's in.
"Hey chief, I gotta problem"
"What's that?" says the chief
"I've pulled over someone real 'big' for speeding and I'm unsure what to do with them"
"Whaddya mean, 'big'? The mayor?"
"Nope. Bigger"
"A senator?"
"Bigger again"
"The Pres?"
"Even bigger"
"Bigger than the Pres? Damn, who ya got there?"
"I think it's God"
"God??? What on earth makes you say that?"
"He's got the Pope for a chauffeur"



(Artiki would like to apologise to anybody that is offended by the religious nature of this joke http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif )

CherryBlossom
01-15-2005, 03:12 PM
[ QUOTE ]
how does a girl know if a guy has a good sperm count?

she has to chew before she swallows http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

*barf*

Steve Ray
01-15-2005, 04:05 PM
Q: how are women like dog turds?

A: the older they are, the easier it is to pick them up!

Chaz
01-15-2005, 04:17 PM
Why do women have little feet?

Its a genetic thing.. from standing in front of the sink.

sgary
01-15-2005, 04:24 PM
Reaching 50 I decided it was about time I had a prostate exam.The Doctor informed me that there was a $25 service charge for the exam.Most men get upset at this,I just replied "I wouldn't stick my finger up your ass for $25".
The poor guy couldn'tbreath he was laughing so hard.
He never did charge me for the exam.

Brad54
01-15-2005, 07:51 PM
Q: Why are men like dogs?
A: If you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it.

Q: Why do men have such a hard time looking women in the eye?
A: Cuz tits have nipples, not eyeballs.

Q: Why are women like tile flooring?
A: Lay 'em right the first time, and you can walk all over them for the rest of your life.

Have you heard they found a cure for the female sex drive?
Wedding cake.

Premature ejaculation--there's a concept created by a woman. I'm on time EVERY time! It's not my fault she can't keep up.

And one for the ladies;
Q: Why don't single women fart?
A: Because they don't get an asshole until they get married.

00 MACK
01-15-2005, 08:10 PM
What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with CHEESE!

ABONES
01-15-2005, 08:15 PM
How is a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken alike? You munch on a breast you munch on a leg then you throw a bone into a greasy old box!

shoebox72
01-15-2005, 10:39 PM
An airplane crashes on the U.S. Canada border.
The pilot is Canadian, the passengers are U.S.
Where do they bury the survivors??

Billy

kustombuilder
01-15-2005, 10:41 PM
why would you bury the SURVIVORS??? thats just SICK!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Lionheart
01-15-2005, 10:47 PM
A girl offers her honor
the guy honors her offer
and it honor and offer all nite long.

SnoDawg
01-15-2005, 10:50 PM
Why does a woman have 2 more brain cells than a cow???



So she doesn't shit on the floor when you squeeze her tits..... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

kaddykid
01-15-2005, 10:56 PM
why do women wear white on their wedding day?
so the dishwasher matches the refrigerator and the stove.

kaddykid
01-15-2005, 11:00 PM
why don't women need drivers licenses ?
there isn't a road between the bedroom and the kitchen.

kustombuilder
01-15-2005, 11:12 PM
DAAAAAAMN!!! the new kid is BRUTAL with the woman jokes http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif....

kaddykid
01-15-2005, 11:18 PM
one more


what do you tell a girl with two black eyes ?

nothing i already told her twice.

just kidding i love the ladies.

shoebox72
01-15-2005, 11:33 PM
A guy comes home from work & his wife is in a bad mood. He asks whats wrong & she says "the kitchen faucet is leaking, will you fix it" Husband says "do I look like a plumber? call a repairman"
The next day when the guy comes home his wife is in a bad mood again. the wife tells him "the washing machine won't spin cycle, will you fix it" Husband says "do I look like the Maytag man? call a repairman"
Later that evening the husband is talking to the neighbor & tells him about the broken stuff around the house & the neighbor tells him to call the young guy down the street, he can fix anything. so the husband goes inside & tells his wife, "tomorrow, call the young guy down the street so he can fix the sink & washer"
The next day the wife calls the guy down the street, he comes over & fixes everything thats broken. The wife asks how much she owes him, & he says "Well..bake me a cake or give me a blow job"
Later the husband comes home, the wife is happy & she tells him everthing is fixed. The husband asks "what did he charge?" wife says "bake him a cake or give him a blow job"
Husband asks "what kind of cake did you make him?"
Wife replies "Do I look like BETTY CROCKER?"

.

shoebox72
01-15-2005, 11:57 PM
A wife tells her husband that she wants surgey to have her breasts enlarged & the husband tells her "no we can't afford it" but the wife keeps carrying on about it. so finally the husband says "Here, take some toilet paper, crumple it up & rub it on your tit's. Do this twice a day for a month" The wife says "thats never gonna work"
The husband replies "Well it worked pretty good on your ASS"

.

long island vic
01-16-2005, 12:37 AM
had a girlfriend that failed three driving tests... couldn,t get used too the front seat

Flexicoker
01-16-2005, 12:56 AM
my all time favorite...


How do you make 3 pounds of fat look good?






Put a nipple on it!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

snortonnorton
01-16-2005, 01:25 AM
[ QUOTE ]
didja hear christopher reeves killed himself?

he got tired of being pushed around.





what's the opposite of christopher reeves?

christopher walken.





i've got some rude ones if ya really want them, no sex stuff, just good old offensive jokes.

tred.



[/ QUOTE ] I think those were offensive enough.... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

rockabillyjoe
01-16-2005, 01:52 AM
Jesus Christ walks into a motel and lays three nails on the front desk. Then asks the inkeeper. "can you put me up for the night?"

rockabillyjoe
01-16-2005, 01:55 AM
Jesus and Moses are out fishing one day, talking about old times. Moses asks."remember that time I parted the Red sea?" Jesus says "Yeah remember that time I walked on water?" Then Moses says "Bet ya can't do that again!!!"

Steel Phoenix
01-16-2005, 03:50 AM
A man is walking along in the Fisherman's Wharf area in San Francisco. He happens upon an antique and curio shop. It looks interesting so he wanders inside. He's looking at all of the interesting items on the shelves, and spots this really neat looking brass rat. Picks it up and notices there is no price on it, so he takes it to the counter where the shop keeper is waiting.

"How much for this brass rat?" he asks the shop keeper.

"Ah, you see, this brass rat is special. It is Five dollars for the rat, and one thousand dollars for the story behind it."

"Hmm, well, I really like the rat, but I don't need the story." So he hands the shop keeper five dollars & tax. The shop keeper wraps the rat, and gives it to the man with his receipt.

So the man keeps wandering down the Wharf area, when he hears a noise behind him. He looks behind him, and sees that a rat is following him. He thinks nothing of it and continues to stroll along his merry way. He hears another noise, looks behind him and notices that there are TEN rats following him. He is starting to get a little uneasy so he picks up his pace a little.

He continues down towards the water, hears a lot of shuffling, looks behind him and it looks like there are THOUSANDS of rats following him. He totally freaks out and breaks into a run, all the rats chasing after him. He runs down one of the piers, but realizes that this was not a very good idea (what to do when the pier gives out?). Having no other choice, he throws the brass rat into the Bay and climbs up the light post.

All the rats follow the brass rat, leaping into the Bay, and they all drown.

The man, shaken, climbs down the light post, dusts himself off, turns around and retraces his steps, shakily, to the old curio shop.

He is greeted by the shopkeeper as he walks back through the door, "Ah, I see you are back for the story?"

"Hell No!" The man replies, "I just came back to see if you have any brass lawyers!" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Baumi
01-16-2005, 07:50 AM
Every married man ought to forget about his own mistakes- there´s just no reason for two people remembereing the same things..

How can you tell that a woman has been in the outer space?
The big wagon has been crashed...

There´s no need to contradict a woman... she ´ll do it herself.

6 cannibals are getting employed as programmers for a big computer enterprise.
At the beginning the boss lets them know:
"You can eat at the canteen. So leave our other employees alone."
So the cannibals promise him not to harm the others.

After 4 weeks the boss gets back to them and says: "You guys are working very well, but we´re missing a cleaning lady, any idea where she´s gone?"
The cannibals answer no and that they had nothing to do with that.
As the boss leaves the chief cannibal asks: "who of you fucking idiots has eaten the cleaning lady???"

After a little hesitation the smallest of the cannibals confesses:"It´s been me."

Chief cannibal:"You damn idiot! We´ve been eating COE´s, cntrollers, group leaders, team leaders and poject - mnagers so no one would notice anything and you dumbass are eating the cleaning lady!!!!"

CherryBlossom
01-16-2005, 08:10 AM
[ QUOTE ]
What do you call an annorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter pounder with CHEESE!

[/ QUOTE ]

Once again.... *BARF*

tommy
01-16-2005, 08:19 AM
I was walking through the flea market when I spotted a foot high plastic butane lighter. I asked the vendor where did you find that. He said "I was cleaning this brass lamp when a genie poped out".

I said let me see that lamp. I rubbed the lamp and sure enough out popped a genie. I said I want a million bucks! All of a sudden the sky was black with DUCKS

The vendor looked at me and said "oh I forgot to tell you...he's hard of hearing. You didn't think I asked for a 12 inch Bic did ya??

tred
01-16-2005, 09:06 AM
my girlfriend has crabs,

so i bought her fishnet stockings.




i went to see my urologist,

he said i could go at any time.





i saw michael j. fox outside the democratic national convention shaking hands.

ya get it?

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Brad54
01-16-2005, 09:14 AM
Why'd they call it "Mad Cow Desease?"
Because "PMS" was already taken.

Fat Hack
01-16-2005, 09:49 AM
Late one rainy night in a quiet house on a lonely rural road, there comes a knock on the door. The couple sleeping inside is awakened by the visitor at the door, and the husband goes to answer it.

Standing there, soaked to the skin is a drunk old man who says "I need a push!"

The husband yells "It's 2am, you're drunk, and I ain't helping you out...go AWAY!". He then slams the door and stomps off to bed.

His wife asks who was at the door, and the husband says "Just some stupid drunk who probably ran off the road and wants me to push him!".

The wife says "I think you ought to help him...what if YOU were stranded on a dark country road and nobody would help YOU?" They argued about it for a minute, but the huband finally caved in.

"All right," he says as he reluctantly gets dressed and dons his rain gear. "I'll help the sorry old cuss!".

He opens the front door and squints out into the dark and rainy night looking for any sign of the stranger. Not seeing him anywhere near the road, he calls out "Sir...are you still out there?"

"YES!" comes the reply.

"Do you still need a push?" asks the man.

"YES!" comes the reply again.

The man still can't see the stranger, so he calls out again "Sir, where ARE you?".

The stranger answers "Over here...on the swing!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Fat Hack
01-16-2005, 10:21 AM
A man walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck.

The bartender eyes him cautiously and says "Hey, Buddy...you better not start anything!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Fat Hack
01-16-2005, 10:26 AM
So a woman walks into a bar with a bucket of manure, a cat and a handgun.

The bartender looks at her and says "Am I gonna have any trouble outta you, Miss?"

She assures him that she won't cause him any grief, and starts drinking one beer after another.

Six beers later, she jumps up, fires the pistol at the bucket, which scares the cat...so she runs around the bar trying to grab the frightened animal.

The bartender yells "What the fuck are you DOING?!"

The lady stops and says "I'm just being one of the guys...you know...drink beer, shoot the shit and chase the pussy!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

Fat Hack
01-16-2005, 10:35 AM
Three guys walk into a bar...an American, an Englishman and an Irishman.

They each order a mug of beer and are promptly served.

The American goes to take a drink and notices a fly in his beer. He raises a big stink, yelling and screaming...saying how he's gonna sue the bar, call the Health Department and demands another beer. The bartender brings him another beer with his deepest apologies.

The Englishman goes to sip his beer, and also finds a fly in it. Not wanting to be rude and call attention to himself, he quietly plucks the fly out of his beer and drops it to the floor, then drinks it in silence.

The Irishman raises his glass, and finds a fly in HIS beer as well. He sets the glass down on the bar, reaches in with two fingers and grabs the fly. Then, holding the fly up in front of him, he yells "Spit it out, ya bastard!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

BigDaddySteamRoller
01-16-2005, 10:44 AM
My Favorite One -

2 guys are walking down the street & see a dog licking his balls.

First guy says to the second " Boy I wish I could do that"

Second guy says " You probably could but you better pet him first"

Capt. Zorro
01-16-2005, 11:40 AM
Three guy's walk into a bar. A Priest, Pervert, Pedaphile, and two other guys... Something for Sunday Morn..

Capt. Zorro
01-16-2005, 11:47 AM
Two black guys are driving their Cadillac through Alabama and get pulled over by a State Trooper. The Trooper walks up to the drivers side and taps on the window. The driver hits the power windows and when it opens the Trooper smacks the shit out of him. He says "Boy when you are stopped by an Alabama State Trooper you have your window down and your license ready!" He writes him a ticket for speeding and goes around to the other side of the car and taps on the window. When it opens he slaps the shit out of the passenger. The guy says "Man why you want to go and slap me?" The trooper says " I know if I don't as soon as you leave you are going to say to your buddy, I wish that big Motherfucker had slapped me like that!"

long island vic
01-16-2005, 12:41 PM
there were two survivers of custers last stand... i soldier and his horse..the chief felt bad for him and told him that he would have three wishes before they killed him..the soldier askes for his horse then walks up to it and whispers in its ear.. the horse then runs off returning a while later wt a beutiful blonde...they go into the tee pee and get too it. the indians were inpressed she leaves and the chief says take your second wish befor3e you die he askes for the horse whispers in its ear and the horse runs off returning later wt a beutiful redhead.off too the tee pee they go the indians say whooow what a guy. hes going too die soon and all he wants is a woman...they finish and the chief says that the is your final wish then you die... hes says i want too see my horse...he grabs it by the ears looks it rite in the face and says POSSIE YOU FOOL!!!

Buzz
01-16-2005, 01:06 PM
A guy runs a stop sign and gets caught by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!"
Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."

Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the guy and says...

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

Buzz
01-16-2005, 01:08 PM
Two good ol' boys walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they
talk
about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who
is
eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes
apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

"Kin ya breathe?"

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress,
yanks
down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his
tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction
flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks
slowly back to the bar.

His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver',
but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Buzz
01-16-2005, 01:10 PM
A man goes to the Government to interview for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes sir, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good, that counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about 10, and we'll get you started."

"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that!"

wingnutz
01-16-2005, 05:13 PM
A German, an Irishman, and a Jew walk into a bar...,

The German says to the bartender..., I'm tired..., I'm thirsty..., I must have a Beer...!

The Irishman says to the Bartender..., I'm tired..., I'm thirsty..., I must have a Whiskey...!

The Jew says to the Bartender..., I'm tired..., I'm thirsty..., I must have Diabetes...!!!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

oldkid
01-16-2005, 09:35 PM
ok here goes.
a man comes home & his wife is crying. he asks whatsa matter baby? she says the dog is real sick, look at him.
the guy has a look & it's apparent that the dog has been dead for a while. the dog's dead he tells her. no she says, it's just sick . take him to the vet. he decides to take the dog to the vet to confirm what he already knows.
when he gets there he tells the vet that his dog is dead & he don't wanna spend a lot of money to confirm it.
the vet says no problem, put the dog on that table.
the vet takes a kitten, rubs it in the dog's face, & the dog doesn't move.
then the vet takes a labrador pup & puts it up to the dog's face. the pup licks the dogs face but again the dog doesn't move.
yep, the vet says, that dog is definitely dead. that'll be $200.
the guy says $200??!! that's outrageous!!! you're a fuckin ripoff!!!
the vet says HEY!... that's cheap for a cat scan & lab work.

oldkid
01-16-2005, 09:43 PM
ok, here's my favorite.

at around 11:45 pm a cop notices a car parked in a dark alley. he goes to investigate. when he walks up to the car he notices a guy in the front seat reading a magazine & a girl in the back seat listening to a walkman. he asks the guy "what are you doin?" the guy says "reading this magazine." the cop asks "what's she doin?" the guy says "listening to music." the cop asks the guy "how old are you?" the guy replies "32" the cop asks "how old is she?" the guy looks at his watch & says "in about 9 minutes she'll be 18."

Circus Bear
01-16-2005, 10:01 PM
a priest, a rabi and a witch doctor walk into a bar.

The bartender say's "What's is a fucking joke!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

SixFive
01-17-2005, 12:05 AM
So this guy walks in to a bar and says to the barman "I bet you 50 bucks if you roll a bottle down the bar i can piss in it all the way along"

The barman grabs a empty bottle, sticks it on the bar and sends it on its way.

Then the guy drops his trousers and pisses on the walls, the floor, the peanuts, the waitresses, everywhere but in the bottle.

"HA!" says the barman "You didnt even get a drop in, you owe me $50, i bet you feel pretty stupid now"

"Not really" says the guy "I bet those guys at that table $500 that i could piss all over your bar and get away with it !! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif



Thanks, your too kind,, And please, try the fish

kustombuilder
01-17-2005, 11:15 AM
why did God give blondes %2 more brain power than horses???

...so they would'nt shit all over the street during parades! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

Paul
01-17-2005, 11:44 AM
[ QUOTE ]
why did God give blondes %2 more brain power than horses???


[/ QUOTE ]

percent two?

now that's funny!

Paul
01-17-2005, 12:03 PM
the dislectic, agnostic, insomniac lays awake wondering if there really is a dog.

or...

the punk-ass rockabilly tough guy finds a strap-on in his girl friend's drawer and asks if she's been having sex behind his back

she says "well who did you think was back there?"

Junkyard Dog 32
01-17-2005, 12:05 PM
Ha ha ha...

Okay, this GREASER is riding home from work in his JALOPY. As he crosses a long bridge, he get's pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop takes one look at the car and starts giving the guy shit.

"Look at this heap. It looks like it's made of junk and held together by more junk", he said, "...and, look at you. You're all greasy and your clothes are filthy... What do you do?"

"Well," the guy said, "I'm a rectum stretcher."

"A WHAT?" the cap asks, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well, I go to people's house and stretch their rectum. First I put in one finger, then two, then my whole hand... Then, my other hand, and THEN, I spread my hands all the way apart."

The cop thinks about it and says, "What would anybody ever do with a 6 foot asshole?"

The greaser replies...
"Give him a badge and radar gun and put him on a bridge."


JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

George
01-17-2005, 01:01 PM
Got a 32 Ford for my wife,damn I miss her....

HotRodHon
01-17-2005, 02:01 PM
A man sat at a local bar and said,
"This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him.
“I’m celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?"
"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were
infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said.
My husband and I have been trying to have a child.
Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!
How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said,
clinking glasses with him once again.

HotRodHon
01-17-2005, 02:05 PM
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,

"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours,
my wife appears out of nowhere"

HotRodHon
01-17-2005, 02:08 PM
Do you know what happened back in 1850?

California became a state.


The state had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today only the women had real breasts.

HotRodHon
01-17-2005, 02:28 PM
I saved the best for last . . .

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

(but wait, there's more...)


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist (now there's a trivia question), the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

wingnutz
01-17-2005, 02:53 PM
Last year I was visiting a friend in New York City and he picked me up at the Airport to give me a ride into town.

We left the airport and after a short ride on the freeway we exited to get to his house in the city.

We were approaching a traffic signal that was "Clearly RED" and my friend flew right through the intersection without any indication of what he had done...!

I looked at him and said..., "You just went through a RED light...!!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

He said "That's OK..., My brother does that all the time"...!!!

We get to the next intersection and again he "BLASTS" right through a RED light and I said agian...,"You just went through another RED light...! And He said..., It's OK my brother does this all the time...!!!

Now we're approaching another Light but I see that it's GREEN and I'm about to breath a sigh of relief and ALL of a Sudden he Slams on the brake..., I said "WFT" you stopping for?????? He said..., "My brother might be coming the other way"...!!!!!!!!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Alfster
01-17-2005, 04:12 PM
<font color="red"> The Irish invented the toilet seat.
A few years later a Kiwi put a hole in it! </font>
http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

oldkid
01-18-2005, 10:51 PM
this really fine woman is sitting at the bar, lookin all depressed. the guy sitting next to her asks her why the long face? she says my husband left me just last week because i'm too kinky in bed. the guy says no shit, my wife left me last month for the same reason. let's go to your house &amp; have some kinky sex. she says what the hell, lets go.
when they get to her house she tells him to sit on the sofa while she puts on something nice &amp; she disappears into the bedroom. she comes out 10 minutes later wearing a black dominatrix outfit, holding a whip, only to find the guy headed out the front door.
she asks "where ya' goin? i thought we were gonna have some kinky sex">
he says "lady, i've shit in your purse &amp; fucked your poodle, i'm through."

oldkid
01-18-2005, 10:55 PM
this chick walks up to the pharmisist &amp; asks " do you sell extra large condoms?"
he says "yes ma'am, would you like to buy some?"
she says "no, but do you mind if i hang around till somebody does?"

oldkid
01-18-2005, 11:07 PM
and here's an all time favorite
the top 10 reasons a pistol is better than a woman.

10) if you like your friends pistol, he'll let you try it &amp; give it back as long as you clean it when your finished
9) a pistol doesn't care if you have another pistol
8) a pistol won't get loud unless it has good ammunition
7) a pistol won't ask if this holster makes me look fat
6)a pistol won't spend your whole paycheck on bullets that don't fit
5) if you take care of a pistol it will function normally every day of the month
4) you can trade your tired old 44 in on 2 new 22's
3) a pistol won't do anything you don't ask it to do
2) a pistol doesn't mind if you use it &amp; go right to sleep
and the # 1 reason a pistol is better than a woman
you can buy a silencer for your pistol

Smokin Joe
01-19-2005, 07:43 AM
The Grizzly Exterminator!


Lady calls up the exterminator and says:

Help I've got a GRIZZLY in my tree in the back yard!
Can you kill it?

The exterminator says Nope, that's a felony, but I can remove it for you. Be there in an hour...

An hour later the exterminator drives up in a beat up old Model A truck with a cage in the back and the meanest, ugliest looking junkyard dog you've ever seen. He pulls out a Weatherby magnum rifle from the gun rack and makes sure it's loaded and says let's go see this bear...

Lady says, why the gun? I thought you couldn't shoot the bear?

Guy says: It ain't for the bear...

They go around back and sure enough there's a big snarling griz up the tree on a limb. The guy unleashes the dog and explains that he's going to climb the tree, shake the limb till the griz falls. The dog will then grab the griz by the balls and drag him into the cage in the truck.

He hands the gun to the lady and starts up the tree, the lady looks at the gun and says: What do I do with this?

The man says: If by chance the griz shakes ME outa the tree.....
SHOOT THAT DAMNED DOG!

hoof
09-30-2006, 09:25 PM
Guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey. Bartender asks him what's the occasion. The guy says tonight was my first blowjob. The bartender says congrats, the drinks are on the house, but why do you need 6 of them. Guy says "I am trying to get the taste out of my mouth!"

paulie_boy13
09-30-2006, 09:55 PM
OFFENSIVE JOKES BELOW




you hear about the 2 gay irish guys?

patrick fitzgerald and gerald fitzpatrick
..............................

waddaya call a lazy Irish guy?

Paddy O' Furniture
................................

Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I’ve blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!" "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, do the stations!"
.................................................. ........

Paddy and Mick bumped into each other in the Pub, Paddy says to Mick "HOWS IT GOING WHAV YA BEEN UP TO"
Mick says "IM GOING TO COLLEGE STUDYING THAT NEW THING CALLED LOGIC"
Paddy Says"LOGIC?? - WHAT THE HELL IS LOGIC?"
Mick Says"WELL ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN BUT ILL GIVE YOU A FEW EXAMPLES,.....
HAVE YOU GOT A GOLDFISH?"
Paddy Says "YES"
Mick Says "OK THEN YOUVE EITHER GOT A POND, A TANK OR A BOWL"
Paddy Says "YEH IVE GOT A POND , BUT I STILL DONT GET WHAT LOGIC IS"
Mick Says "ILL GIVE YER A FEW MORE EXAMPLES..... IF YOUVE GOT A POND YOUVE EITHERE GOT A GARDEN OR A YARD?"
Paddy Says" YEH, IVE GOT A GARDEN"
Mick Says "IF YOUVE GOT A GARDEN , YOUVE EITHER GOT A HOUSE OR A BUNGALOW"
Paddy Says "YEH, IVE GOT A HOUSE"
Mick Says "IF YOUVE GOT A HOUSE, YOUR EITHER MARRIED OR NOT MARRIED??"
Paddy Says "YEH IM MARRIED"
Mick Says "IF YOURE MARRIED, YOUVE EITHER BEEN MARRIED A SHORT TIMEOR A LONG TIME"
Paddy Says "YEH IVE ONLY BEEN MARRIED 6 MONTHS"
Mick says " I BET YOU IN THEM 6 MONTHS , YOU HAVENT HAD A WANK!"
paddy says "BE JESUS, THAT LOGIC IS FUCKIN GRAND, YOU KNOW ALL THEM THINGS ABOUT ME THROUGH THAT THING CALLED LOGIC"
Anyway , they have a few more jars and part company.

Paddys walking home from the pub Pissed as a fart and bumps into Shamus,
Paddy says "SHAMUS ME OLD MATE,WHAT A COINSIDENCE, IVE JUST SEEN MICK IN THE PUB AND I HAVENT SEEN HIM FOR 5 YEARS EITHER."
Shamus says "MY OLD MATE MICK , HOWS HE DOING?"
Paddy says " HES GRANDE , HES GOING TO COLLEGE NOW STUDYING THAT NEW THING CALLED LOGIC"
Shamus says "LOGIC ,WHATS LOGIC"
Paddy Says "ITS HARD TO EXPLAIN, SO ILL GIVE YOU SOME EXAMPLES..... HAVE YOU GOT A GOLDFISH?"
Shamus said "NO"
Paddy Said "YOU’RE A WANKER THEN !!!!!!!!!!!!!"

SLAINTE'

skajaquada
09-30-2006, 10:40 PM
so this guy is waiting in the exam room at the ER and the doc walks in. "what seems to be the problem?" he asks. the guy drops his pants and his manhood is all bloody and mangled. "FUCK! what the hell happened?!" says the doc. the guy replies "well i live in a trailer park and i was watching this hot woman in the trailer next to me and noticed that every night at 9:30 she gets a hot dog outta the fridge, sticks it in a hole in her kitchen floor and rides the SHIT outta it! well i decided to sneak over there the next night and when she stuck the hot dog in the hole, i was waiting under her trailer and quickly pulled the hot dog out and stuck my dick through." the dock stops him and asks, "so what happened to your willy?" the guy says "well it was going great until the doorbell rang and she tried to kick it under the stove!"

McKee
09-30-2006, 11:00 PM
didja hear christopher reeves killed himself?
he got tired of being pushed around.

what's the opposite of christopher reeves?
christopher walken.

tred.

Hey tred, FUCKOFF!

Bugman
09-30-2006, 11:31 PM
Guy walks into the doctor's office and says "Doctor doctor, I feel like a bridge." The doctor replys "what's come over you?" The man states "well, so far, 2 cars, 3 trucks, and a bus."

Remember, if you tip your waitress, pick her back up.

49ratfink
09-30-2006, 11:36 PM
True Story...

I went to a restaraunt in New Jersey with Repoman and he was bragging up a storm about this diner that was open 24/7...

We drive up and park close to the door and proceeded up to the door which to my surprise is "LOCKED" so we were about to really pull on the door and the cook came out and yelled to us that they were "Closed"...!!!

I looked at him and said... "Your sign says OPEN 24 Hours"...!!!

And he said... "Not in a Row"...!!!!

that's a steven wright joke.

you know.. "it's a small world........... but I wouldn't want to paint it"

that guy

hoof
10-01-2006, 09:38 AM
that's a steven wright joke.

you know.. "it's a small world........... but I wouldn't want to paint it"

that guy

That guy is great. He has some car jokes too. He said I am learning to play the harmonica but can only play by going 100 MPH and holding it out the window. I have been arrested 4 times for practicing. I put a new motor in my car and forgot to take the old one out. My car does 500 MPH. You should hear the harmonica.

CHAZ

CG
10-01-2006, 10:21 AM
Three legged dog walks into a bar,"Im looking for the man that shot my paw"

Two blondes are reading the USA Today, and the headline reads...TWO BRAZILLIAN SOLDIERS WERE KILLED IN BATTLE...one blonde asks the other "How many is a brazillian?

R-U-N-N-O-F-T
10-01-2006, 11:00 AM
Stop me if you've heard this one--
Dude asks a pharmacist if he can recommend something for constipation, and the pharmacist gives him some suppositories. Dude goes home, comes back a week later and says, "Them pills you gave me didn't work."
Pharmacist says, "Erm, you didn't by chance take them orally, did you?" Dude says,
"What was I supposed to do--shove 'em up my ass!?"

mpls|cafe|racer
10-01-2006, 11:14 AM
Two Irish men walk out of a pub. Hey, it could happen.

Hey now, I resemble that...

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v114/philmccrackin/Me/necktat.jpg

mpls|cafe|racer
10-01-2006, 11:18 AM
Hey tred, FUCKOFF!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v114/philmccrackin/sandy.jpg

breeder
10-01-2006, 11:27 AM
this is a true sign at a whore house in nevada...
WERE CLOSED..BEAT IT!!

two termites walk into a bar and say.." is the bartender here?"

a blonde walks up to the river bank...see's another blonde across the way and yealls.." how do you get to the other side?? the other blonde reply's.." your already on the other side"

if ya cant beatem, shootem...

what do ya get when ya cross an elephant and a rhino???

zzford
10-01-2006, 11:55 AM
What's the difference between a faggot and a freezer? A freezer don't fart when you pull the meat out.



A rabbi and a priest are walking down the steet. The priest spots a young boy across the way playing at a park. "How would you like to screw that kid" says the priest. The rabbi replies "Out of what?"

adjustablejohnsons
10-01-2006, 12:31 PM
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through he leans over and whispers, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"
She replied " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Same couple at the doctor's. Doc says he needs a urine, semen, and stool sample. Old dude says, "What did he say?" Wife repeats the doc's words. Old man again says, "What?" Wife gets right in his ear and yells, "Give him your under shorts!"

hemi
10-01-2006, 02:10 PM
What kind of bees make milk?

B00-bees!!




Why do tweekers prefer to have sex doggie style?

So they BOTH can look out the window.

327-365hp
10-01-2006, 04:34 PM
Here's some wife jokes,

My wife likes to dress sexy, so I'm told.
I asked my wife for a quicky, she said as opposed to what?
Do you talk to your wife during sex? Yeah, if I'm near a phone.
My wife says I can have sex any time I want, as long as I don't wake her.
Ever try rodeo sex? That's where your doin the wife from behind and you
whisper in her ear, "This is how your sister likes it"
Hang on tight 'cause she's gonna throw ya.
I have a picture of my wife in my pocket, I drink 'til she looks good, then I go home.
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee.
The only trouble was, she was coming home.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car,
someone stole it. I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Muffler Bearing
10-01-2006, 06:44 PM
two coins add up to 30 cents.

one of them is not a nickel

what are they?

-j

adjustablejohnsons
10-01-2006, 06:47 PM
two coins add up to 30 cents.

one of them is not a nickel

what are they?

-j

A quarter and a nickle.

dabirdguy
10-01-2006, 07:08 PM
The 'Ultimate Waste of Space'.

A bus load of Lawyers, going over a cliff, with two empty seats. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif

So the Sherrif is at the scene where the bus with the lawyers went over the cliff....
There's a farmer there and a wrecked bus, but no lawyers.
Where's them lawyers asks the sherrif.
I buried them says the farmer.
You certain they was all dead asks the sherrif?
Farmer says Well one said he wasn't, but you know how they lie!

dabirdguy
10-01-2006, 07:23 PM
A 12 year old boy is sitting on his front porch.
Up drives a nwew Cadillac.
Where's yer pop, says the driver?
Why? asks the kid.
Cause I'm gonna sell him a Cadillac! That's what I do.
We don't need any, says the kid, we got too many now.
Show me , says the Caddy salesman.
The kid takes him over to the barn and there are about 2 dozen shiney Caddys there of all sorts.
The kid says I win them from you Caddy guys. I bet you your choice from here against another new one I can do something you can't do!
The salesman looks at this scrawny 12 year old and accepts the bet. He figuers he cannot lose to this wimpy little boy.
The kid says follow me and runs outta the barn. The salesman follows.
The kid runs around the barn three times. So does the salesman.
The kid runs into the house and up the stairs with the salesman right behind.
The kid runs into a bedroom where there is his luscious 18 year old sister is lying nekkid on the bed. The sales man follows.
The kid runs around the bed 3 times. The salesman follows.
The kid sits on the bed and fondles his sisters titty. The salesman sits and fondles the other titty.
The salesman looks over and sees the kid has his weinie out and has it wrapped around his finger. The salesman says would you like a 2-door or a 4-door?

327-365hp
10-01-2006, 08:28 PM
A farmer from Maine walks into a lawyers office and says.. I wanna d'vorce mah wife
lawyer; You got any grounds?
farmer; Yep, got farty acres up near Clahksburg
lawyer; No no, Do you have a case?
farmer; Nope ah got a John Deere.
lawyer; No, I mean do you have a grudge?
farmer; Nope, grage burnt down, that's why I got a John Deere.
lawyer; NO NO, you don't understand! Is your wife a nagger?
farmer; Nope, she's ah white girl but she's fuckin a nagger and that's why I want a divorce

spicoli
10-01-2006, 08:34 PM
Ducks?

These three ducks get arrested...
They go to court and the judge calls the first duck.

The judge says to the first duck, "State your name and your crime."

"My name's Quack", the duck says, "and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond."

"Well, that isn't so bad.", says the judge, laughing a bit, "Just pay a $10 fine and go on home."

Then the judge says to the second duck, "State your name and your crime."

"My name's Quack-Quack", the duck says, "and I was arrested for blowing bubbles in the pond, too."

"Well, that isn't so bad.", says the judge, "Just pay a $10 fine and go on home."

Then the judge says to the third duck, "Don't tell me... Your name is Quack-Quack-Quack... Right?"

The duck says, "No your honor, it's Bubbles." http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif


JOEhttp://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif and here is the guilty party..... bubbles

Eisenfaust
10-01-2006, 08:47 PM
What kind of file do you use to make small holes bigger? - - a pedophile-

wedgeii1
10-01-2006, 08:56 PM
What do you call an amish man with his arm up a horses ass? A mechanic.

Eisenfaust
10-01-2006, 09:21 PM
A guy walks into the bar and sez to the bartender "I'm celebrating my first blowjob! gimme 3 shots of whiskey" bartender sets the drinks down, and the guy quickly flushes all 3. The bartender sez "I guess the first shot was to celebrate the blowjob, but what about the other 2?" Guy sez " the last 2 were to get the taste outta my mouth"...

DirtySanchez
10-01-2006, 10:41 PM
An elderly man goes into the doctors office for a check-up. The doctor, says after the exam. "I have nothing but bad news." The ol' man looks slightly saddened and asks. "What is it?" "You have cancer", says the doctor. Looking distraught, the doctor slowly adds, "and Alzheimers disease." The ol' man shrugs his shoulders. "Well that aint bad, at least it's not cancer!"

Bugman
10-02-2006, 08:26 PM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Brad54
10-02-2006, 08:30 PM
What's Blue and Comes In Brownies?



Cub Scouts.

-Brad

adjustablejohnsons
10-02-2006, 08:35 PM
What's green and smells like pork?

Model "Eh"
10-02-2006, 08:52 PM
A chinese guy and his wife, fresh off the boat, move to America and decide to start a family.

Nine months later the wife gives birth. The father gets mad at the wife, saying: "We in America now! Why you have Chinese baby? You supposed to have white baby!"

Nine months after that, she gives birth again. He says again, "Why you always have Chinese baby? We Americans! We need white baby!"

Finally, frustrated, the father goes to a fertility clinic and tells the doctor: "Wife and me have sex, and she always have chinese baby! We need white baby to be real American!"

The doctor replies, "Sorry, sir, but two Wongs don't make a white!"

OLLIN
10-03-2006, 01:06 AM
since the Holloween costume idea thread got closed, after reading this I am seriously thinking of getting 2 buddies and dressing as a rabbi, a priest, and a ___. Then just hanging out at bars all night. thats gotta be worth a few drinks at least!

This one was told to me by a Scottish friend, and he played it off really serious which made it even more funny...

Keith: "One time i was in this huge barfight."
Me: "Really!?"
Keith:"Yeah it was crazy...It was 2 against 10"
Me:"Man, what happened?"
Keith: "Yeah, those 2 bastards never showed their face in that bar again!"

hahahaha.

327-365hp
10-03-2006, 05:26 AM
Another chinese guy and his wife making passionate love, the husband yells "69, 69" Wife says.. Why you want beef and broccoli now??

zzford
10-03-2006, 05:00 PM
A guy walks into a psychatrists office wearing nothing but Saran wrap. "Doc, ya gotta help me, I don't know what's wrong with me !!!!!!
The shrink replies "I can clearly see your nuts !".

bustedlifter
10-03-2006, 06:45 PM
Guy goes into a shrinks office. The shrink says, "May I help you?"

The guy says, "I'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, i'm a teepee, i'm a wigwam, I'M A TEEPEE, I'M A WIGWAM."

The shrink says, "Relax. You're too tents."

rubberrodder
10-03-2006, 07:41 PM
this is great! 8 pages of really crappy jokes,....... and Ryan hasnt closed this sucker yet! What a great way to HAMB it up! Yes puns are my short fall!
R.R.

Low
10-03-2006, 07:51 PM
whats the difference between Jesus and a mexican?

Jesus doesnt have pictures of mexicans tattooed all over him.


Did you hear they discovered that diareah is genetic?

yeah it runs in your jeans

haha

327-365hp
10-06-2006, 08:20 PM
RETIREMENT:
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting. Well, for
example, the other day I went downtown and went into
a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and
when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come
on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break"? He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him another name." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the
bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on
had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I
try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.

G V Gordon
10-06-2006, 08:39 PM
Three strings walk into a bar.
Bartender says, "hey, you strings get out of here, we don't serve your kind".

They try another bar, same deal. "Hey you strings get out of here".

After the same thing at the next few bars one of the strings is pissed. "This ain't gonna happen again" he says.

So he reaches up to one of his ends an starts unravelling himself and walks into another bar.

Bartender looks him over and says " hey, aren't you a string?" to which he replies, "Nope, frayed knot!"

327-365hp
10-06-2006, 08:47 PM
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will."

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "It's because it takes place in the future."

Royalshifter
10-06-2006, 09:40 PM
A man is driving down a country road and sees a sign... pigs for sale... so he stops and Bubba staggers over and asks... can I help you?...the man says ...why yes I want to buy a pig about 100 lbs...so he grabs a pig and puts the tail in his teeth and holds his arms straight out to balance and says ...99 lbs...the man was shocked and did not believe it and said... you know do you have someone else that can weigh it?...sure.. said Bubba and yelled hey Daddy come here and weigh this pig...so his Pappy grabs the pig puts the tail in his teeth and holds his arms out to his side and says 98.5lbs...the man was shocked so he tells Bubba ...one more time and I will buy it...so Pappy tells Bubba to go get his Momma and weigh the pig and Bubba says... no she is busy right now weighing the post man!!!!!!!!!

NYfatboy
10-06-2006, 09:53 PM
RETIREMENT:
Working people frequently ask retired people what
they do to make their days interesting. Well, for
example, the other day I went downtown and went into
a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes and
when I came out there was a cop writing out a
parking ticket. I went up to him and said, "Come
on, man, how about giving a retired person a
break"? He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and
started writing another ticket for having worn
tires. So I called him another name." He
finished the second ticket and put it on the
windshield with the first. Then he started writing a
third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came downtown on the
bus and the car that he was putting the tickets on
had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in '08." I
try to have a little fun each day now that I'm
retired. It's important to my health.

FUCKIN EXCELLENT!!!

Beebz
10-06-2006, 11:03 PM
SO there are these two midgets and they decide that they want to go out and buy some hookers and adjoining hotel rooms to celebrate, so the hookers show up and hooker one goes with midget a and hooker 2 goes with midget b. In the room midget b can not get wood to save his life, and to make matters worse all hes hearing from the other room all night is HERE I COME AGAIN ONE......TWO..........THREE.........AHHHHEHHHAHHGG GGGGAHHHHH
so the next morning after the hookers leave the midgets come out side midget a looks at midget b and asks him how it went midget b says man it was so embarrassing, i couldn't get wood to save my life! Midget a looks at B and says you think thats embarrassing, I couldn't even get on the bed!!!!

BTW did you hear about the gay midget, finally came out of the cupboard.

theHIGHLANDER
10-07-2006, 12:03 AM
So this elderly couple celebrates their 50th annv. in the same room they had their honeymoon. After the day's activities the wife comes from the bathroom in a shear night dress and asks her husband, "What were you thinking in this room 50 years ago?" The husband says, " I wanted to suck yer tits dry and screw you stupid." Blushing and flattered the wife says, "Well, what are you thinking now?" The husband looks her over and says, "I'm thinkin I did a pretty good job!"

dodgerodder
10-07-2006, 12:04 AM
This middle aged guy gets home from work, and his girlfriend is packing all of her stuff up into her suitcases.

The guy said "honey, why are you packing your stuff up, whats going on??"

She said "I'm leaving you-I found out today that you are a pedophile"

He says "pedophile-hmmm. thats a pretty big word for a twelve year old........"

hoof
10-07-2006, 12:39 AM
A guy calls home to his wife and tells her he just hit the big powerball lottery. "Pack a bag" he tells her. "Wow, where am I going" she asks? He says "I don't care just be gone before I get home!"

CHAZ

slamdpup
10-07-2006, 03:03 AM
yall know jesus was a FORD man right?


I KNOW THIS BECAUSE HE WALKED EVERYWHERE HE WENT

rustrustler
10-07-2006, 07:31 AM
guy walks into a bar and says have you heard the latest irish joke? the bartender says watch it buddy, me and the bouncer are both irish. the guy says thats ok I'll talk real slow slow.

wingnutz
10-07-2006, 09:38 AM
I thought that Jesus was a Chrysler Man...

Said that he left the temple in a "FURY"...!

palosfv3
10-07-2006, 09:52 AM
A man and his wife were getting ready for bed one evening . He was sitting in bed doing some reading. As she came from the shower she said to him " Honey , I'm feeling down. my boobs are sagging , and my ass has lost its shape. Tell me something positive that will make me feel better." He thought a second and replied " Well there's nothin wrong with your eyesight."

The Pope is cruising down the Daytona Beach shoreline in his Popemobile . About 100 feet from shore a man in a Cub's jersey(you can substitute rival sports teams or ethnic groups if you like)was being attacked by a great white shark. The Pope starts to summon help for the poor soul ,when just from around the point he spots a boat with 3 guys in White Sox jerseys racing full speed toward the Cub fan. They pull up, kill the shark and bring the Cubs fan into the boat. The Pope is standing in disbelief at what he just witnessed and motions for the guys in the boat to come near . As they approach he says "I would have never believed , if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. That there could be compassion for a Cubs Fan by a Sox Fan . You have set the example for all to follow. Go and show the rest of the world how man can put aside his differences and become one." And with that gave all his Papal blessing.
As the Pope pulled away . One Sox Fan said To the other ,"Who was that guy?". The other answered, "Why he's the Pope .The head of the Catholic Church. He teaches us right from wrong." .To which he replied "Hell he dont know a damned thing about shark fishing."

Brad54
10-07-2006, 08:01 PM
I thought that Jesus was a Chrysler Man...

Said that he left the temple in a "FURY"...!

Close, but it was actually God that owned the Fury...he drove Adam and Eve from the garden in his Fury.

While God drives the Plymouth, Jesus drives a righteous Dodge: The Book says that when he comes back, he'll be riding a white Charger.

Brad

AtomicButtercup
10-11-2006, 11:52 AM
Our Top Story tonight: A man was found earlier today in a rice field, beaten to death with two porcelain figurines.

The police have no leads in this "Knick-Knack-Paddy-Whack".

R-U-N-N-O-F-T
10-17-2006, 10:47 AM
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test - we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

And
the moral of this story is:


Always keep your condoms in your car........

hoof
10-17-2006, 11:32 PM
An old man is wandering around a big home inprovement store when his cart runs into the cart of a young man wandering around the same store. The old man says excuse me, I was looking for my wife and didn't see you there. The young man says thats funny I am looking for my wife too. The old guy says how about we describe our wives and help each other out. The young guy says OK, my wife is 6 foot tall, flaming red hair, 40D breasts, and she is wearing a black leather mini skirt, what does your wife look like. Old guy says nevermind, lets both look for your wife.
CHAZ

adjustablejohnsons
11-11-2006, 05:55 PM
DOCTOR PATIENT RELATIONSHIP

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day
long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a
while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to
sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're
single. Just let it go, Dave."

But another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:

Dave.............

Dave.............

Dave.............

Dave..........

Dave.............

You're a veterinarian, you sick bastard".

paperdog
11-11-2006, 06:11 PM
a guy and his buddie were headed to the dance and one asked the other what should he do ..
well ask the girl to dance .. dance and thank her and compliment her
after the guy had danced 3 songs with a girl he was slapped hard.

the guy asked what happened
well after we danced i told her underarm sweat did not smell real bad for a fat chick

52 card pickup
11-11-2006, 08:22 PM
There's an old man sitting on his porch one day when a young boy comes walkin' by draggin some chicken wire. the old man says " hey there young fella, where you goin with that chicken wire?" to which the boy replies "goin' to get me some chickens!" The old man says "that aint gonna work boy, ya'll must be crazy." About an hour later the boy comes back with a whole flock of chickens wrapped up in the wire. The old man could hardly believe it.
The next day the old man sees the boy walk by carryin' a roll of duct tape and of course he's gotta ask, " boy, where you goin' with that duct tape? To which the boy replies, "to get me some ducks." Well the old man says boy that aint gonna work boy, 'sides it's "duct" tape not "duck" tape you crazy fool. About an hour later , here comes the boy back with a flock of ducks wrapped up in the tape. Well, the old man is astounded.
The next day the old man sees the boy walk by carryin' a stick and he's gotta ask " Boy what are you carryin' today?" The boy replies, " A pussywillow." to which the old man replies, "hold on a minute there boy, let me get my hat and coat, I'm goin' with you!"

Johnny-B-Bad
11-11-2006, 09:13 PM
Ya know what they say about blind prostitutes.. you gotta hand it to her.

paperdog
11-11-2006, 09:33 PM
guy walks into a bar draggin a heavy 20 foot log chain, orders two shots ,downs them ,farts loudly and then drags the chain out.
he does this everyday for a over a week
the bartender gettin curious ask's
"why do you drag that chain in here ,down two shots , fart and drag the chain out?
the guy replies
"how fuckin stupid would i look trying to push the chain in here everyday!"

louie the fly
11-12-2006, 03:07 AM
Some kids were sitting on a doorstep in a village in Italy listening to stories from an old man. "children, you see that bridge, I built that bridge with my bare hands. But does anyone remember Mario the bridge builder? No" Later he tells "you see that church, I built that churchwith my bare hands. But does anyone remember Mario the church builder? No. But a man fucks one goat!"

louie the fly
11-12-2006, 03:12 AM
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of
perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says:

"You're next,fatty."
---------------------------------------------------

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

--------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400
for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees
her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

-----------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
* 2 litres of low fat milk
* a carton of eggs
* 2 litres of orange juice
* a head of lettuce
* half a dozen tomatoes
* a 500g jar of coffee
* a 250g pack of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, A
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated,"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about
her selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

ftyfwe
11-12-2006, 03:13 AM
2 nuns are riding there bikes through the back streets of rome.
nun 1: ive never come this way before?
nun 2: its the cobblestones!

a man finds a lantern, rubs it and 2 blondes pop out. they say he has 3 wishes so he takes them and suddenly wakes up in a big mansion filled with beautiful women. as he is walking around to all the women he notices that the floor is covered in $100 bills. while he is enjoying the women he hears a knock at the door and goes and opens it. standing there are 2 KKK members and they drag him outside, throw a rope over a tree and proceed to hang him with it.
as the two are walking away they take there hats off and it is the 2 blondes. one turns to the other and says "the money and the women I can understand, but why he wanted to be hung like a black man I will never know?"

sorry! im not a racist but for some sick reason I love that joke

louie the fly
11-12-2006, 03:17 AM
Some nuns went on a visit to the zoo. They were looking at the gorillas when all of a sudden one of the gorillas grabbed one of the nuns, spun her around and did her from behind. They took her to the hospital to recover. Later that week some nun colleagues went to visit her. One said "gee sister, you must feel awful". The injured nun said "yes, it's been 5 days and he hasn't phoned, sent me flowers or anything".

LooseNut
11-12-2006, 08:47 AM
How do you circumsize a Hillbilly??????





Kick his sister in the jaw.

Why do fags like ribbed condoms???




For better traction in da mud.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other???



We really do taste like chicken.:eek:

paperdog
11-12-2006, 09:12 AM
a bus load of nuns on the way to a religous retreat has a blow out..
the driver a surly old codger realizes he has no lug wrench to remove the wheel "damn this fuckin bus"
he tells the group of nuns of the dilema they say they will pray for help
while gettin her rosary out from her suitcase one nun finds a screwdiver
she yells to the man 'wanna screwdriver?

he answers '"might as well can't change the tire!"

60 Belair
11-12-2006, 11:26 AM
one for the kids :D

:cool: the bear and d rabbit

so there is a bear and a rabbit in the woods and there both taking a shit. the bear leans over and asks the rabbit do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur? the rabbit says no why ? the bear grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass

327-365hp
11-12-2006, 07:17 PM
Do you know the difference....

between a lesbian and a triscuit?
One's a snack cracker and one's a crack snacker

between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
a woman in church has hope in her soul..

between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
an epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits..

You've got to figure out the last two...

v8minor
11-17-2006, 05:15 PM
Whats a dodgy priest and a bad pint of Guinness got in common
they will both rip the arsh out of yea if your not careful

TV
11-17-2006, 05:35 PM
An english man is on vacation in New york, while wateing for a bus a woman sits down and along comes a gust of wind and blows her skirt over her head. The man trying to be nice says airy aint it, she replys, what do you expect feathers.

Pickle
11-17-2006, 05:41 PM
Do you know the difference....

between a lesbian and a triscuit?
One's a snack cracker and one's a crack snacker

between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?
a woman in church has hope in her soul..

between an epileptic oyster shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
an epileptic oyster shucker shucks between fits..

You've got to figure out the last two...

That is funny!

And now for something completely different: What do you call a can of tuna on a lesbian’s nightstand?

Potpourri

H.G. Wells
11-17-2006, 10:21 PM
Did you hear about the little boy who was born without eyelids?
They circumsized him and used his foreskin........

Now he is cockeyed.

rustywrench
11-17-2006, 11:12 PM
A white guy goes to jail and is put in a cell with a huge black guy. The black guy says "don't worry, everythings gonna be ok, But...theres one thing we have to work out...do you want to be the man, or the woman?" So the guy thinks a bit and says "I'll be the man" black guy says "Ok, now come over here and suck your wifes d**k":eek:

Spridle
11-17-2006, 11:23 PM
What do you call a can of tuna in a lesbians back pocket?




chew

Wesley
11-17-2006, 11:23 PM
Two Irish men walk out of a pub. Hey, it could happen.Where does an Irish family go in vacation?
A different Pub.

What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk.

I am part Irish and part Mexican, I like to sleep all day, if you wake me up I am madder than hell. Time to get another beer!

Wesley
11-17-2006, 11:25 PM
What do you call a can of tuna in a lesbians back pocket?




chewWhat is the most often pick up line in a gay bar?
May I push in your stool?

How do you get 4 gays on a bar stool?
Turn it upsidedown!

Wesley
11-17-2006, 11:27 PM
The 'Ultimate Waste of Space'.

A bus load of Lawyers, going over a cliff, with two empty seats. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/frown.gifWhy do lawyers where neckties?
So the foreskin doesnt roll up over their face!

Wesley
11-17-2006, 11:29 PM
A pair or jumper cables walks into a bar, the bartender says I will serve you, but dont start anything.

Wesley
11-17-2006, 11:32 PM
A grizzly bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender
" I'd like...........a shot of tequila



bartender sez: "Hey, why the big paws?"A three legged dog walks into a bar and says I am looking for the man who shot my Pa.

Wesley
11-17-2006, 11:36 PM
How are a woman and a screen door alike?

The harder you slam'em, the looser they get!!what do a pile of bricks and a fat chick have in common?
Sooner or later they are going to get laid by a mexican.

OL 55
11-18-2006, 12:46 AM
Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says.... "does this taste funny to you"?

Bishop Welding
11-18-2006, 02:03 AM
Two guys go camping together for a week. After a couple days they get sick of each other.

On the third day they decide to each go their own way, and meet up again back at the campfire at sundown.

Than night at sundown the two met back at the campfire. The first man told the second man "I've had the most beautiful day I've ever had in my life."

"I walked North from the campsite, up the most beautiful green trail I've ever seen. I found a beautiful lake where I saw hundreds of fish and the water was crystal clear. There were waterfalls, the sky was blue, I even took a nap under a shady tree, and when I woke up, there were animals all around me. I fed a deer part of my sandwich, and it ate right out of my hand. It was beautiful. How'd your day go?"

The second man replied "Oh, you're not going to believe this but my day was even better."

"I went South out of camp, down that trail over there. Pretty soon I came to some railroad tracks so I followed them. I was rounding the bend and there I saw, tied to the tracks, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life."

"I untied her, and we went into the woods where I made beautiful love to her, over and over, all day long."

The first man asked him "Yeah, did you get a blowjob?"

The second man replied "No, I couldn't find her head."

rustynewyorker
11-18-2006, 04:31 AM
Single guy to his buddy at the bar:
"So anyways, you know how some guys name their wang?"
Buddy: "yeah, that's pretty goofy, why you mention it?"
Guy: "well I was thinking I'd start calling mine 'Sorry'."
Buddy: "okayyy... why?"
Guy: "So that next time I meet a girl maybe I can get her to feel sorry for me... "

rustynewyorker
11-18-2006, 04:37 AM
Same guy later to a girl at the bar:
"You know how they say to never judge a book by it's cover?"
Girl: "Sure"
Guy: "Well I was wondering if I could open you up and browse a while."

Buddy: "looks like you're going to be feeling sorry for yourself tonight!"


The sad part on this one is when I thought it up it took someone else to point out to me that could be taken ... well, the wrong way. A few too many beers that night...

31ACoupe
11-18-2006, 10:16 AM
Two hillbillys are flying home from a redneck convention when there is a loud noise from the plane---the pilot announces: Sorry folks, we just lost an engine but don't worry this is a 3 engine plane and we will be just fine---however, we will be 2 hours late for arrival.

They have another beer and are going along when boom, another loud noise from the plan---the pilot announces, sorry folks, we just lost another engine, but do not worry, we will be fine---however we will be another 3 hours late for arrival.

One hillbilly turns to the other and says "damn, I hope that other engine don't quit-we will be up here all damn nite"........

327-365hp
11-18-2006, 04:58 PM
Two hillbillys are flying home from a redneck convention when there is a loud noise from the plane---the pilot announces: Sorry folks, we just lost an engine but don't worry this is a 3 engine plane and we will be just fine---however, we will be 2 hours late for arrival.

They have another beer and are going along when boom, another loud noise from the plan---the pilot announces, sorry folks, we just lost another engine, but do not worry, we will be fine---however we will be another 3 hours late for arrival.

One hillbilly turns to the other and says "damn, I hope that other engine don't quit-we will be up here all damn nite"........

HAha! How far will they get on one engine? All the way to the scene of the crash!

Reminded me of this one...
The pilot anounces over the loud speaker, "This is your captain speaking, we will be traveling at 10,000 feet, at 400 mph we should be arriving at our destination right on time." He forgets to take his finger off the microphone and says to the co-pilot, and everyone else.. "Boy I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob" A stewardess runs towards the cockpit to tell the captain the mic is on.
Then a guy shouts out. "Don't forget the coffee.."

Brad54
11-18-2006, 09:47 PM
It's been a really rough flight--turbulence you only read about, lights flickering on and off, thunderstorm outside, lightning crackling all around the plane...

Most of the passengers are sure This Is It...the ones who aren't getting airsick are getting drunk. After a particularly violent bump and an abrupt drop in elevation, they're about to the breaking point, and are more convinced than ever that they're going to crash. Right after the last big bump, one of the women passengers decides that if she's going to die, she's might as well do it in the arms of a man--and she'd always fantasized about having a one-night stand with a complete stranger. She unbuckles her seatbelt, jumps up into the isle, rips open her blouse and yells "Are there any real men onboard who can treat me like a woman?!"

Two rows back, a man says "I'll treat you like a woman!" He gets up, takes off his clothes, throws them at her and says "Do my laundry!"



On a related note:
Why does the bride always wear white?
So she matches the rest of her husband's new appliances.\

-Brad

Louver Dude
11-19-2006, 09:17 PM
Why did GOD create man first ..... He didn't want any advice on how to do it !

hoof
11-20-2006, 12:26 AM
A guy tells his buddy "I think my wife might be dead." The buddy says "what do you mean you THINK she might be dead?" He says, "well the sex is the same but the dishes are piling up!"

Why do women have such small feet? Genetic adaptation to allow them to stand closer to the sink.

CHAZ

Thorkle Rod
11-20-2006, 12:55 AM
My Girl friend ran off with a tractor salesman...... I keep gettin those damn John Deere letters

wingnutz
11-23-2006, 07:40 PM
Why does Michael Jackson like Thirty Eight year olds....?

Because there are Thirty of them...!!!!

Royalshifter
11-23-2006, 08:09 PM
Man this thread is as funny as a one legged cat trying to bury a turd on a froze over lake.............LOL

Royalshifter
11-23-2006, 08:17 PM
What is the differance between a refrigerator and a queer?




A refrigerator does not fart when you pull out the meat.

Scott F.
11-23-2006, 08:29 PM
Forgive me...

A priest and a rabbi are walking down the street when they pass a childrens playground. The priest looks at the kids, looks at the rabbi and says, "Hey, what do you say, let's go fuck one of them kids".

The rabbi says, "Out of what?"

rebstew187
11-24-2006, 08:27 AM
how does a blonde turn on the light after sex?


she opens the car door

RacerRick
11-24-2006, 10:49 AM
DAAAAAAMN!!! the new kid is BRUTAL with the woman jokes http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif....

He must either be married to a girl with a REALLY GOOD sense of humor...or very very single.

JohnnyFast
11-24-2006, 01:51 PM
One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet,

So when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

cyclopsblown34
11-24-2006, 02:41 PM
Why does a dog lick himself?

Because he can't make a fist.

seymour
11-24-2006, 06:11 PM
What is the differance between a refrigerator and a queer?




A refrigerator does not fart when you pull out the meat.


lmao :D

thecarfarmer
11-25-2006, 02:01 AM
The difference between a circus with a smart midget, and a hooker with VD: one of 'em has a cunning runt...

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside down? Two brunettes and a redhead.

Why does the bride smile at the wedding? She's given her last blowjob.

How do you make a woman come? Who cares!

What do battered women all have in common? They won't fucking listen!

Gotta' go... hear my wife driving up.

-bill

Ratmotor
11-25-2006, 06:26 AM
Two rodders are out in the Nevada desert following up a lead on some choice abandoned tin....Zeke stops and says man I have to take a piss. Just when he is mid stream a diamond back rattler bites him right on the wang.Holy fuck man what are we gonna do???? No sweat says Frankie....I,ll just call the doc on my cell and he will know what to do. Doc gets on the line and says Frankie......you,re gonna have to suck the poison out to keep Zeke alive! Okay says Frankie and hangs up."What did the doc say?" asks Zeke. You,re gonna die says Frankie...... True story, happened to a friend of my cousins uncles friends brothers buddy.....

leon renaud
11-25-2006, 08:37 AM
So a woman walks into a bar with a bucket of manure, a cat and a handgun.

The bartender looks at her and says "Am I gonna have any trouble outta you, Miss?"

She assures him that she won't cause him any grief, and starts drinking one beer after another.

Six beers later, she jumps up, fires the pistol at the bucket, which scares the cat...so she runs around the bar trying to grab the frightened animal.

The bartender yells "What the fuck are you DOING?!"

The lady stops and says "I'm just being one of the guys...you know...drink beer, shoot the shit and chase the pussy!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gifheard this joke toomany years ago as a kid only it was an Indian who was trying to act as a Whiteman!

327-365hp
11-25-2006, 09:07 AM
A young indian brave goes into a whorehouse to get laid for the first time. The madam sends him away to practice on an 'ol knothole in a tree. A month later the indian comes back and says he's ready. The madam sends him upstairs with one of the girls. Moments later she hears screaming coming from the room. The madam bursts in to see the indian poking at the girl with a broomstick. "What the hell are you doing?" says the madam. "Me checkum for bees" says the indian..

31ACoupe
11-25-2006, 12:26 PM
So there was this raging forest fire and the fire boss comes around the side of a hill and there is this firefighter mounted up on another firefighter with their pants around their ankles, going to it.

The fire boss hollered what the hell do you think youre doing? And the firefighter on top said "Sir, this man is suffering from smoke inhalation"!

The fire boss says "well, you are supposed to give him mouth to mouth rescusitation" and the firefighter said "I did sir, thats what got us started"....

Skimmer
11-25-2006, 01:46 PM
Mum says to young daughter do you want a Barbie n Ken for xmas ,girl says no want Barbie n Action man ??, mum says strange Barbie always comes with Ken ,little girl replys No Barbie fakes it with Ken but comes with Action man....

Thirdyfivepickup
11-25-2006, 02:14 PM
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me! buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

dabirdguy
11-25-2006, 10:14 PM
Guy walks into a bar...sees a good looking girl at the bar and sits down next to her.
He says "Can i buy you a drink?"
Loudly she says "You want to go to a hotel and do WHAT?"
Everybody in the bar is looking at him like he is a real sleaze so he slinks off to the other end of the bar to lick his wounds.
A few minutes later the gal comes down and says "Sorry, I'm a Psych student and I'm studying peoples reactions under pressure."
The guy leaps off his bar stool an says REAL LOUD..
" FIFTY DOLLARS??"

327-365hp
11-26-2006, 08:08 AM
Guy walks into a bar..sees a good looking girl at the bar. Tells the bartender, "I want to buy that girl a drink." No you don't he says, she's a lesbian. That's okay the guy says, I don't care, get her a drink any ways. So after the lesbian gets the drink, he slides over next to her to make his move and says "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"

327-365hp
11-27-2006, 07:14 PM
A jewish kid asks his father for a hundred dollars..
Father says.. "A hundred dollars, what do you need ninety dollars for,
eighty dollars is a lot of money"

hudsoncustom
11-28-2006, 11:07 AM
Foreigner walks into a bar. Sits down at the bar and notices a good looking girl at the end of the bar. Says to the bartender "I'd like to buy that girl a drink". The bartender says "no you don't" and walks away.

A little while later the foreigner says to the bartender again "I'd really like to buy that girl a drink." The bartender again replies "No, you really don't".

The foreigner asks the bartender to send her a drink a third time. The bartender replies "She's a lesbian, you don't want to buy her a drink." The foreigner asks "What's a lesbian?"

Bartender replies "See that other gal sitting next to her?"

Foreigner says "yes."

Bartender says "well, she likes to lick that girl's p***y"

Foreigner thinks for a while then declares "well then I must be a lesbian too!"

caddychris
11-28-2006, 01:41 PM
What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?


When you lay a brick, it does'nt follow you around for three days.


A very atractive lady walks into a bar, orders a Bud, drinks it, and passes out cold at the bar. All the guys look at each other, and decide to take the girl into the back room and have their way with her. When they're done they put her back on the stool at the bar. She wakes up a little later, pays her tab and leaves.
Next day the same woman comes in, orders a Bud, passes out, and the guys have their way with her again, put her back in her stool. She wakes up and pays and leaves.
The third day the bar is packed with horney old drunks that heard about this,
ready for some action. Sure enough, the lady walks into the bar and sits at the same stool. The bartender asks her what she'll have, and she says " I'll have a Coors." The bartender asks" Don't you mean a Bud?" She says " No, I don't drink Bud anymore... it makes my pussy sore."

Pickle
11-28-2006, 06:13 PM
A father polar bear and his son were sitting by the frozen lake one cold evening…“Dad, are you sure I’m a polar bear?” he asked. “Son, I’m a polar bear, your mother is a polar bear, your grandparents are polar bears, it’s safe to say that you are polar bear.” A few minutes go by and again the boy asks again…“Dad, are you SURE I’m a polar bear?” “Son, of course you are, your great grandparents were polar bears, our entire polar bear family has lived here in the beautiful artic for decades. Why do you keep asking me if you are a polar bear?”

“Because I’m freezing my fucking balls off out here!”

Russco
11-28-2006, 08:11 PM
Guy comes home from work runs in the house jumps on the couch and says" Honey quick get me a beer before it starts!" ,she brings him a beer he downs it and says "honey please another before it starts" she complys again he downs it and says "one more please before it starts" she says "now wait just a minute mister Ive been cooking and cleaning all day" He interupts her "nevermind its started"

hoof
11-28-2006, 11:36 PM
How do you get a redheaded, left handed midget nun pregnant?
F*** her!

A young indian boy asks the medicine man how he names the babies when they are born. He tells him he opens the teepee flap and whatever catches his eye is the babies name. He said like your brother running deer, that is what I saw, and your sister floating sparrow. Why do you ask two dogs humping?

A new man takes over as the purchasing agent for a government run indian reservation and immediately starts cutting corners to save money. He buys the cheapest everything he can find. One day he is asking the indians how they like the new supplies. "How do you like the new toilet paper I bought for you" he asks one man. "Oh you mean John Wayne toilet paper." Why do you call it that? Because its rough, its tough, and it don't take no shit off no indian!

So these two irishmen walk out of a bar, hey it could happen!

Why did God invent whiskey? To keep the irish from ruling the world.

I was politically incorrect my whole life. My kindergarten teacher told me to sit indian style so I passed out drunk on the curb.

A teenage girls asks her dad if she can borrow the car. He tells her she will have to perform oral sex on him for it. Halfway through she says dad you taste like crap. Dad says Oh yeah I forgot your brother has the car.

CHAZ

327-365hp
11-30-2006, 08:09 PM
What's a jewish dilemma? Pork at half price.

Gnashty1
12-01-2006, 02:20 PM
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?




2

1 to hold the bulb, & 1 to drink until the room spins around.

Gnashty1
12-01-2006, 02:29 PM
Two elderly couples get together for dinner and some pinochle. After dinner the guys head into the den to chat while the ladies head for the kitchen to do dishes.

First fellow mentions he and his wife went out for dinner the night before, said "it was great food, wonderful service, low prices, a real treat".

Second fellow asks where they went to eat.

First guy scratches his head, but can't remember. Then says "wait a minute, whats the name of that red flower with a long stem"?

Second guy responds "a carnation?"

First guy, "no, the expensive one, with thorns".

Second guy "Oh, you mean a rose".

First guy replies, "Yup, that's it", then turns to kitchen and yells "Rose, what's the name of that place we ate at last night"?

Flatdog
12-01-2006, 03:02 PM
Why do doctors slap newborn babies on the ass? To knock the dicks off the dumb ones.

El Caballo
12-01-2006, 03:10 PM
Pinochle rules.

Flatdog
12-01-2006, 03:11 PM
Two nuns sneak out for a night on the town.They are sneaking back in to the nunery and bent down crawing under a fence.Frist nun says to second nun "I feel like a Marine".Second nun says so do I. Where do you think we can find one at this hour?

AtomicButtercup
12-01-2006, 04:28 PM
Ms. Jones, the history teacher, stood in front of her class.

“I’m going to give you famous quotes from history. I want you to tell me who the quote is by and when it was given. Here we go. ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.’”

*silence*

“Anyone?” asked Ms. Jones, shocked by the silence. From the back of the room, Midori (the Japanese exchange student) raised her hand, and with a very thick accent, says “John F. Kennedy, 1961.”

“Correct! Next one. 'Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.'"

Again, the only student to respond was Midori. “Martin Luther King, 1963.”

“Right again, Midori! Very good! As for the rest of you, you should all be ashamed of yourselves! She’s not even from this country and she knows its history better than you who were born here!”

Just then a voice from the back yelled, “Fuck the Japs!”

“Who said that!?” cried Ms. Jones.

“Harry S. Truman, 1945.”

327-365hp
12-03-2006, 05:08 PM
Do you know the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A guy will actually look for a golf ball...

Bassfire
12-03-2006, 05:45 PM
In the beginning God told man he could have sex for 20 years. When God got to the monkey he offered him 15 years , the monkey only wanted five. Man asked for the other 10 so he got them. Next came the donkey who also turned down 10 of his 15 years and man asked for that too, and God let him have it.
That's the reason man has 20 good years of sex, followed by 10 years of monkeying around, and then has 10 more to make an ass out of himself.

__________________________________________
Sure you can trust the govt.....just ask an Indian

Royalshifter
12-03-2006, 11:02 PM
A man went to see his sister that he has not seen in years to meet her new husband. After the two met the brother sat down with the sister just the two. The brother said, sister I cannot believe what you have done. The sister says, what do you mean? Look, the brother said, you used to be married to a lawyer and then a doctor and now a Hot Rodder what the hell. The sister said, sex is why the lawyer just wanted to sit and look at it and smell it! The doctor just wanted to examine it and touch it and that was it! Now the Hot Rodder tore it apart to repair it and after 2 years he is still working on it.

tooratly
12-03-2006, 11:17 PM
Why don't tampons speak to you?

Cause they're stuck up cunts!

belair
12-04-2006, 05:04 PM
A man goes t a farm and sees a 3-legged pig running around. He asks the farmer, "whats the deal with that 3-legged pig? Was he born that way? The farmer says "no, that pig lost his leg in a house fire. We were all asleep and the house caught fire. We were unconscious from smoke inhalation and this great, heroic pig broke down the door, broke his snout, ran through the the house squealing, woke me up, rooted my wife out of bed, and drug our little girl out of the house, through the flames. He saved my entire family! That pig is a HERO! The stranger said"did he loose his leg inthe fire?" The farmer responded, "oh no, a good pig like that, you don't want to eat him all at once!"

327-365hp
12-04-2006, 07:05 PM
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she
touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was definite movement. They
went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy
as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her
out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the
curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart
rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

TREE
12-04-2006, 07:15 PM
My wife has this sea shell tatooed on the inner part of her upper thigh, and if you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean...

61bone
12-04-2006, 07:44 PM
Two blondes went to get their picture taken. One kept fidgeting around and the other told her to set still, he's trying to focus to which she replied " both of us?"

Royalshifter
12-04-2006, 07:49 PM
LMAO!!!!My wife has this sea shell tatooed on the inner part of her upper thigh, and if you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean...

LongnLow
12-04-2006, 08:36 PM
it's little johnny's first day at his new school in San Diego. His parents just moved from Denver, and the teacher was asking him to introduce himself to the class. as he was doing this, a kid asked him who his favorite football team was. he quickly said that his mother was from denver, and his father was from denver, so that made him a broncos fan. so the teacher said that we're all from san diego, but we're not all charger fans. just then little timmy says " what if your mom where a hooker, and you're dad was in jail? what would you be then?" "oh, thats easy. then i'd be a raiders fan!"

Brad54
12-04-2006, 09:57 PM
My wife has this sea shell tatooed on the inner part of her upper thigh, and if you put your ear up to it, you can smell the ocean...

We have a winner! Damn that was funny. Very, very wrong, but funny.

31ACoupe
12-04-2006, 11:13 PM
On a large cattle ranch a recent widow don't know what to do, her husband ran the big ranch and now his death left her with the option of selling the ranch or hiring a ramrod. She decided to try hiring a ramrod and advertised for one. She got a lot of applications and had narrowed it down to two men. One was a hard core drunk and the other was gay. She decided to go with the gay ramrod and not take a chance on the drunk even though he was well experienced. After 4 months the gay ramrod proved to be a very hard worker, and the ranch was doing very well. The widow told him to take the day off, go to town and let loose, enjoy himself, he earned it. Well, the gay ramrod did just that and she was getting pretty worried, it was 3am and he still didn't get back. She was drinking a martini and sitting up when he finally pulled in about 4am. He came in the door drunk as hell and she stood up and told him, I want you to remove my jacket and he did slowly, and then she said, now I want you to take off my blouse and he unbuttoned her blouse and laid it on the chair, then she said now, remove my bra which he did. She took another drink of her martini and said now take off my boots and he did that, and then she said remove my wranglers which he did. She then said now take off my panties which he did and laid them on her clothes. She took another drink of her martini and said "Now get your ass to bed and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again youre fired".:D :D

wingnutz
12-04-2006, 11:27 PM
Definition of a "GAY Irishman"... Is one that loves the Women more than his Whiskey...!!!!!

Trucker Jr.
12-05-2006, 12:25 AM
In the garden of Eden God tells Adam that for an arm and a leg he can have a creature that will wait on him hand and foot, be obediant, faithful, provide him with food, shelter, and all the sexual favors he demands. After a moment Adam asks God- "What can I get for a rib?"

JohnnyFast
12-05-2006, 05:35 AM
Bill Clinton started jogging near his new home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace himself as he approached her for what was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!", fired back Clinton .

This ritual between Bill and the hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell, "Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day however, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer and Hillary would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a darn good explanation for the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, Bill became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.

Then, from the sidewalk, the hooker yelled..."See what you get for five bucks!?"

327-365hp
12-05-2006, 06:12 AM
This is an old one but one of my favorites,

President Clinton is out jogging one winter when he sees something that stops him in his tracks. Written in the snowbank, in giant yellow letters, are the words,"Bill Sucks" He is really mad! He calls the secret service, the FBI and the CIA to investigate. "I want to know who wrote that." he demands. Well after much investigation and money spent they come to him with their findings. Sir, we have good news and bad news. Well what is it the President asks. It's Newt Gingrich's urine, but it's Hillary's handwriting..

mrkerb
12-05-2006, 11:17 AM
This is an old one but one of my favorites,

President Clinton is out jogging one winter when he sees something that stops him in his tracks. Written in the snowbank, in giant yellow letters, are the words,"Bill Sucks" He is really mad! He calls the secret service, the FBI and the CIA to investigate. "I want to know who wrote that." he demands. Well after much investigation and money spent they come to him with their findings. Sir, we have good news and bad news. Well what is it the President asks. It's Newt Gingrich's urine, but it's Hillary's handwriting..

Yeah it's really old; I heard it told during the Nixon administration where the handwriting was Pat (Nixon) and the urine was Kissinger's !

atch
12-05-2006, 12:22 PM
Yeah it's really old; I heard it told during the Nixon administration where the handwriting was Pat (Nixon) and the urine was Kissinger's !i think i've heard it during every administration at least as far back as nixon; always the president's wife's handwriting and the urine always traced to a political adversary of the president. still funny, though.

31ACoupe
12-05-2006, 04:15 PM
This guy pulls up to the bar in a brand new cadillac convertible, he walks in the bar and has a hundred dollar bill sticking out of his shirt pocket and a little man about 10" tall sitting on his shoulder. He tells the bartender, set them up, on me so the bartender gives everyone a drink and says that will be 25 dollars, the guy pulls out the hundred and another hundred pops up in its place, gives it to the bartender and says keep the change and keep them rounds coming. About then the little man on his shoulder jumps down on the bar, runs down the bar kicking drinks over, swinging at customers, cussing a blue streak, runs back and jumps back on his shoulder. This happened three or four times and finally the bartender said alright whats the story. The guy says, one nite I got drunk and passed out on the beach and this bottle washed up right to me. I thought it was a drink so I opened it up and this genie comes out and tells me that I have 3 wishes, anything I want. Well, I told him I never want to be broke again and so now I have as much money as I want, this hundred sticking out of my pocket when I pull it out another pops right up, as many as I want, 24/7. My next wish was I wanted a new cadillac every year for the rest of my life, and you can go look outside and see I have a brand new caddy convertible and every year I get a brand new one, top of the line. My 3rd and final wish was for a 10" prick.

327-365hp
12-05-2006, 04:56 PM
i think i've heard it during every administration at least as far back as nixon; always the president's wife's handwriting and the urine always traced to a political adversary of the president. still funny, though.

Haha, you're both right. You must be as old as that joke, I know I am. I go back to JFK. We won't be able to tell it anymore when Hillary's president,, :eek:

327-365hp
12-06-2006, 06:32 PM
Allright here's a new one my wife sent me..

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and
he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to
approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband
could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
"Here's what you do," said the doctor "Stand about 40 feet away
from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she
hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you
get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away. Let's see
what happens." In a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for
dinner?" No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from
his wife, and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from
his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey,
what's for dinner?"
Again, there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Stan, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!"

Brad54
12-06-2006, 09:16 PM
Haha, you're both right. You must be as old as that joke, I know I am. I go back to JFK. We won't be able to tell it anymore when Hillary's president,, :eek:

Sure we'd still be telling that joke: It'll be Bill's urine, in the Bimbo-of-the-month's hand writing!

Brad

Royalshifter
12-06-2006, 09:42 PM
What do you call a hooker playing with herself?










Self employed.

hoof
12-06-2006, 10:39 PM
There's this guy that has a problem. He has three girlfriends, a blonde, and brunette, and a redhead. He likes them all the same and he can only marry one. He decides to give each girl $1000 to see how she spends it. The blonde goes shopping and blows all the money on clothes for herself. The brunette goes shopping and spends $800 on herslef, and $200 on him. The redhead goes shopping and spends $500 on herself, $100 on him, and invests the rest. Which one did he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest tits.
CHAZ

El Caballo
12-08-2006, 10:53 AM
A Texan was stopped by a game warden in East Texas recently
with two ice chests full of live fish in water, leaving a river
well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you
have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet
fish."

"Pet fish?"

"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em
swim' round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back
into this ice chest and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"

The Texan looked at the game warden for a moment and then said,
"It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The Texan poured the fish into the river and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said,
"Well?"

"Well, what?" said the Texan.


"When are you going to call them back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH!"

"What fish?"

We in Texas may not be as smart as some, but we ain't as dumb as
most. You smart ones have a good day.

GreenMtnBoy
12-08-2006, 11:16 AM
What do women and hurricanes have in common?

When they come, they're wild and wet. But when they leave they take your house and car with them.