o/t.....don't let this happen to you....

[Farmer]

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and share something very personal with the Hamb. Some of you I have developed close friendships with and others I have only known through correspondance on the Hamb and Hamb chat.
For the last year now, my wife and I have grown apart, and have been leading seperate lives. This started when we moved
into our first house in Tracy, Ca. Man I was so excited to have my own garage, 2 car at that! I wasted no time in fixing it up as I had always imagined I wanted it to look. I
spent hours and hours out there, making it my own. I began collecting parts for a modified buildup and spent alot of time running around with guys that I allowed to lead me away
from my responsibilities as a husband and father. They are
not bad guys, but just aren't in the same stage of life that
I am in. They are all single, drink and are just concerned with having a good time and not much else. I would come home
from work but to my wife, I might as well have not been there. My mind was elsewhere. I failed to place my wife as
my most valued prize and she as a result took back seat to my selfishness. Throughout the year, my wife tried to give tell me things were not right, but I was blind to what was
going on. I now have appx. 11 days before my wife that I love so much and 2 yr. old daughter move out into their own
apt. 2 miles from our home. At this point it's legal seperation, but it could go further if I don't win her back.
It's so easy to take these things for granted and hurt the ones we love over something as simple as a hotrod. I love my wife and it took a rude awakening to make me see just how
valueable she and my daughter are to me. I look at the things I'd been placing my value on and I can't believe I let this happen. Through my selfishness, I pushed the most important thing in my life away. I now have the seemingly impossible task of winning her back. It hurts like you would
not believe, and I have noone to blame but myself. For those
of you here that have family, make sure and never lose site
of what is really important. It's not hotrods, or engines, or car shows. If it's not worth losing you loved one's over,
never let it get in between them and you. I sincerely hope that this is not taken as a pity party, because that is not
what's going on here. If anything, I hope that maybe someone
here reading this right now might see this going on in their
life and do something about it before you are in my shoes. I will be gone from the Hamb for a while. Not because the Hamb is bad for my marriage, but because I have far more important things to take care of right now. To those of you
who have been there for me to talk to, I greatly appreciate
your friendship. You all take care,
John

[plan9]

take care man, keep in touch eh?

[dondanno]

John it was good to meet you at BP and from what I can tell, you have a good head on your shoulders. I hope all the best for you and your family. I have witnessed this very thing in a few friends relationships some did what you are doing others did not. God Bless Bro you are doing the noble thing...Danny

[slazzen]

John partner you know I support you all the way I know from experiance that I live alot of my life with blinders on too and have paid the price in alot of ways I am so happy that you are open minded enough to see this and make a effort to do some work on the skills that are truly what makes a RULER as is so freely thrown around on this board it is really all about integraty in every relationship

[Farmer]

dondanno, john, plan9, thank you guys. That's what it's really about when the day is done anyway right? family and friends. the rest is just for fun. take care you guys
john

[Django]

I've been in your exact situation (minus kids). Hang tough. My situation turned out for the best for me, although probably not the outcome you are praying for. It was the worst thing I've ever had to go through. Email me if need someone else to talk to.

chad

[40StudeDude]

There's a very delicate BALANCE between husband and wife, hot rods and pool-side vacations, with her...never, never lose sight of that becuz of automotive indulgence.
Sorry to hear of your misfortune...I was divorced many, many years ago becuz of all things automotive! I feel your pain...hope it works out for you.
R-

[roadstar]

Let her read this post. It may show her how sincere you are, and be a start to show her you do care and you really want to make things right.

[G V Gordon]

Hey John.
I know we covered this but you are doing the right thing buddy. Get things right at home and visit when you can. Divorce sucks. I know from experience. Sounds like you are serious about fixing things, takes a big man to do that. Best of luck'
George

[Uncle Pancakes]

John: I'm sorry we did not meet up on BP weekend, I have three non running "classics" at home and I know it puts a strain on my wife at times. We have worked through tough times by making sure we communicate with each other, we don't always agree but we try to keep things open and on the table. I think you posted once about coming down to my area to surf or dive, I'll pm you my number, give me a call if you ever are down my way. Like Slazzen said its good to see that you have your priorities straight, let her know how much she means to you and hang in there. Ted

[lownslow]

john ,
i wish you the best man , i really hope things work out the way you want them to.....cars and all the other crap are cool but they are just material things. family is where its at and i depend on my wife alot as does she on me as well. ...good luck and dont give up .......

[**DONOTDELETE**]

If I knew you I'd tell you to
quit being a fuck-up and take care of your shit.

That's the advise I got many years ago.

[Fatchuk]

John: I felt a great sadness come over me reading your post...I noticed that it is almost to the day you registered on the Hamb and just shy of 1000 posts which sorta confirms what you been busy at for the last year....I too, over the years have struggled with my obsesion with rods and kustoms and cars in general taking too much time from my family..and while my wife and I are are still to-gether we have put some distance between us..but mostly for me it has been my kids that I lost touch with cause I was at every car show or swapmeet I could find over the years...In some ways this internet has just added to the problem, cause now I spend to much time here, as well as the live stuff...It is not really the hobby, or the cars, it's we all are addictive to some things,,,for some it's booze,drugs,golf,women, gambling,work, you name it, the key here is you recognized it and I hope you are able to win your wife back again...I would say lock up the garage for a while and start dating your wife like you did.. it sounds like you you really love her so, don't let this chance slip away, work on it like it's the most important thing in your life....I have seen many,many friends over the years split and it is a real hassel for the kids...and even more so as they get older with mixed familys...I don't post a lot on this board..one reason is it's so far from me geographicly that it's like another world...and for a while I thought a lot of the guys here were a bunch of potty mouth assholes..with no life....BUT,,,i have to eat those words cause as time passes I see they are just like me they bleed when they get cut and still put their pants on one leg at a time....I have seen many of them share sadness and tradgity in their life and everybody stops and helps the other guy get up. It was a brave and honest thing for you share such a emotional trauma of great personal sadness you are experienceing at this time and I believe all your friends here on the Hamb will think of you and wish this to a succesfull conclusion.. I don't know you and we will probably never meet, but I have appreciated your humor and enthusiasim in your posts and your work...So I wish you all the best my friend and hope however this works out that you have peace and happyness in your life....you must be a pretty decent person to share this with a bunch of guys here that you hardly know....May God watch over you and yours.......and thanks for sharing what some others may have happening in their lives..I don't mean this to be wishy washy....to some it may be till it come knockin on your door,,,Fatchuk

[MichaelDorman]

Two years ago Ihad the very same wake up call. Cruel things were said and done and the outcome still stings like a fresh wound. I lost my loving and carring wife and 2 buitifull children to my own selfishness and greed. We are still best of friends but it will never be the same and it hurts like hell to know that you hurt someone you love so deeply that the love and good times that you had for years has been reduced to a memory. If there was anything I could do to make it all better and take away the things I said and did and the time that I squanderd doing things "my way" I would in a heart beat.
Seriously guys know what your priorities are and keep them in check. I know that it's fun to hang out with the boys and build hot rods, drink and go off in search of lost tin, but if you aint' careful and lose sight of thte real importent stuff there is a hell of a price to pay. If she is kind enough to put up with your car crap don't take advantage of her rember and remind her through your actions that she and the familly (if you have one) always come first.

[36couper]

If you haven't already, tell her what you have written. Tell her face to face. Make it personal. Letting her read your post is one thing but verbalizing it takes it that much further. Do it now. Do not wait.

[plan9]

john - you need anything.. now or later, say the word.

[=mike=]

fuck it man , i dont know you for shit but that is a serious situation right there . in my book family comes before anything . . . cars , work , friends , pussy . . . . anything man . make it right . we are all losers , we will be here if you ever come back .

[El Caballo]

John, I don't know you from Adam's housecat, but I DO know what you are going through. I went through my own personal hell last year and it started on Tuesday May 14, 2002 at around 9:00am. Why do I remember the exact time? Well, because I was reading an email from my wife about my son and I happened to look at my watch when the phone rang, it was my wife, and she ended my happiness that day.

Even though you are seperated, and things look their darkest, and you feel lower than whale shit, this is your second chance. Second chance? WTF am I talking about? I was exactly like you man, and I hope you will take my advice, so listen up.

If you still love her, show her; don't get all pissed off and say shit in anger or hurt that will only damage your cause.

Don't start seeing other women, you are still married in the eyes of the state and more importantly, the Lord. This too will be your downfall personally. I did it, and I carry the guilt of having done so.

Stay in contact. Your child still needs her daddy, and however this turns out, you always will be daddy.

If you don't mind, I will send you a list of books to read. They are by Christian authors. My first reaction when these books were suggested was that I didn't need to have some preacher asshole who wrote a book lob pie in the sky crap at me. I was wrong, it wasn't pie in the sky, it wasn't what the stereotypes conditioned me to believe.

Prayer, I did turn to God because I was so tired of trying to carry it all on my back. It happened after I stepped back to assess WTF I was doing, all the partying and pussy chasing I was doing. Yeah, I had a blast, let there be no doubt, but it clearly delayed me getting back with my wife and worst of all, I hurt her. Those that know my particular circumstance probably wonder why I would have cared, that is for me and me alone. The same is true for you John.

I am offering my help. It makes me sad to see it happen to anyone. I don't even know who you are, but I am compelled to help you. I am working still on my happy ending, it's not over John.

[beatnik]

Sounds like you've seen the error of your ways, and that's a great start already. Make sure you tell her the same thing you told us. But remeber that those words mean something and let your actions follow suite. It's easy to say things that are meaningfull and another to show it in your actions.

I hope your fortunate enough to be able to save your relationship.

Thanks for the reminder for the rest of us.
Gus

[speedaddict]

John, ignore my post in the classifieds, you got other things to tend to. You have to remember that its not just you and your wife affected, but the little one too.

[Jeff Norwell]

[ QUOTE ]
If you haven't already, tell her what you have written. Tell her face to face. Make it personal. Letting her read your post is one thing but verbalizing it takes it that much further. Do it now. Do not wait.

[/ QUOTE ]

Ditto for me John, I have been down that road before and now have a fantastic 3 yr. old daughter and great understanding wife.I pulled out of a steep'ndeep nosedive just because I was too self absorbed into hotrods.I dont get to all the meets and shows I want,...and I have be careful of the time I spend in the garage.......a VERY delicate balance.My thoughts are with you and your family John
Good luck

[fab32]

I'll just second all of the good advice that has already been given and hope you will take it and apply it to your situation. Sometimes it takes a situation like this to make one step back andtake a good look at their priorities. It looks like you've already started this process. If I were to give you any advice it would be to print out the post you made here and make sure your wife reads it. I don't think you could state your position any better than your have done for your HAMB buddy's. I'll be praying for you in your efforts to win her back.

Frank

[Deuce Roadster]

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif





You have already made the FIRST big step..........
Admiiting your lack of time and love.......


Takes a real MAN to do this..........finish it up and tell her and SHOW her.......

Actions speak a lot louder than words





http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Rix2Six]

Wow John... your post sent a shiver up my spine. There's been a lot of good responses. I've been through this twice. My wife left me 12/6/91. She moved out while I was at work. Took me a really long time to recover. The second time was May '98. We weren't married but we have a son who'll be 7 next month. While hot-rods didn't play into these... other selfishness did.

Like "El" I turned my life over to God in Aug '98. I won't tell ya that I've sailed through life since then... frankly these past 5 years have been as hard as any BUT I have a peace that I've never had before. God blessed me with a beautiful gracious woman to share my life with. We were married in July. I'm not trying to preach to you or anyone... I just wanted to share what worked for me. If you want to PM me, I can hook you up with the same program that worked for me. They're all over.

Heck if you want to just PM me and chat about what you're going through, I'd be glad to listen.

One thing I'll add to the excellent advice that's been offered. Your actions will speak much louder than your words. Ask your wife just to watch you for the next months and see if she see some positive changes. Then make them... get involved with men that will keep you going in the right direction.

God Bless you and your family. You'll be in my prayers.

Rick

[Hellbound_Hootch]

john,,,

i feel so badly for you and your family,,,
you guys have had a lot to deal with,,,and i hope you pull through this without much more grief,,,,
things WILL work out,,,,
please call me if you need ANYTHING,,,ANYTIME,,,
you are a good friend,,,
and i'm pulling for you,,,

miss hootch

[Roothawg]

Hang tuff Bro.

[MercMan1951]

Tell her you're sorry and print out your post and show it to her. If she doesn't realize that you screwed up and are sorry for it after reading that, then she will never understand. You're a good guy and someone that should be appreciated because you've realized your faults...we all have them...the key is acknowledgement...which you have...I can't see how that could get in your way... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/confused.gif

[slazzen]

print out the post??? she probaby would shove it up his ass this is part of the problem not the solution right now she wished this site never became part of his life he is doing the right thing and showing her that he can seperate him self from every thing but her for her

[badpat]

been there, still there... hope things work out fer you man. each situation is different, i don't know you or your wife, but i hope things go well for you

[Germ]

[ QUOTE ]
If I knew you I'd tell you to
quit being a fuck-up and take care of your shit.

That's the advise I got many years ago.





[/ QUOTE ]
Thats the advice I need...

[Deyomatic]

I agree with Slazzen. YOU need to get personal with her and the little one. Just like you said, YOU need to WIN her back. Look for the excitement that you had when you asked her to marry you. It may help to write her a letter, it might be easier to collect your thoughts, but printing this out won't cut it. Flowers, dates, kid stuff, and you need to be totally honest with her. It's a charade if you aren't. It may be sappy and lame, but you need to try to fulfill HER idea of a fantasy. Take her to the place you met, show her how impotant she is to you. Go on a second honeymoon...etc.
Good Luck.

[Kojack]

Keep in touch.... I'll pray for the best for you. Those are some strong times you're dealing with.. but you'll get through it.

[Mai Ki-Ki]

if you love her...

Quit the HAMB
QUit the CARS

FIX it all.

There will always be cars to be built in the future.

BEST OF LUCK.

Maiki

[Zodoff]

Good luck,john!!

[metalshapes]

Dont show her this thread. To her, we are part of the problem.
If she sees that you have opened up to us, she could get really pissed off.
good luck, man.

[Cruisin']

Hang tough John.
I have enjoyed our late nite chats and hope all gets sorted for you.
I have recently changed a few of the things I am doing and concentrating more on my family. Within reason, the cars and club have taken a back seat and the HAMB is intermittent.
We need to take stock more regular the older we get.
Show your wife and daughter you can be there for them.

[k-member]

YOU CAN DO IT....sent ya a PM

[InPrimer]

John, my heart goes out for you, please consider this, 1, give it some time, to settle things 2, seek professional help from a good marriage consoler, 3 DON'T beat yourself up, remember it takes two to Tango 3, always love your child. Best of luck to you and yours

[38Chevy4door]

Good luck to you and your family. Take care.
Steve

[jeffro]

Hey I dont know you, but I know the situation all too well!
A couple of years ago I had to go thru the same thing. Wife was packing, kids were crying, just a bad place to be in knowing it's all your fault. So the wife asked me to change some things, and I did. Now I'm limited to 3 swapmeets a year, and 2 car shows. It sucks but you'll pull thru it.
Take care!

[hudson_hawk]

this post is just another reason that i will probably never get married.

[RocketDaemon]

i know how it can be, lost a girlfriend not over cars but another egoistic thing i was hooked on (no not drugs or anything that stupid..)

there is always a fine line not to cross, but also keep in mind that you have the right to have your hobby, aslong as it dont get over the edge to much..
one good thing is to get a girlfriend who also shares the same car habbit http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

anyhow keep in there, remember marriage is ups and downs, your married that means you gotta keep on fighting and doing the best you can, let your will succeed..hang in there

[$pomadepete$]

been there done that too.... i'm single now. Not to dicrourage you but there might be some other things going on there besides just your lack of time commitment due to your hobbie. i do know how it feels though... you need some time and perspective. best of luck.

[Zeke]

Take care John and focus on what you need to do. If you need to talk the chat crew will be there for ya. Get a sitter and take the girl out to a nice dinner and make her remember why she married you in the first place.

[plan9]

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=570&ncid=753&e=5&u=/nm/20031001/sc_nm/life_men_dc

interesting read.

[Detonator]

Hey John -- I feel for you. Whatever it takes to get back together will be worth it. And you'll all come out stronger on the other end if you put in the effort. You've got good head on your shoulders and a good heart -- I know you can find a way to balance your lives and your loves. We're not a bunch of rocket scientists here on the HAMB, but most of us have figured out how to do it. We're all behind you -- Dave

[hotrodladycrusr]

John, I'm very sorry to hear the news. Lots of great advice from the guys here. One that stands out, is the marriage counseling. You two need professional help in dealing with how you feel and help with communicating.

Is this the first you've heard that she's not happy with the amount of time you spend on hot rods and hot rod related stuff? If it is, why is she not telling you how she feels before it gets out of hand?

If this isn't the first you've heard about the issue, then your not really listening to her when she speaks or were you just blowing off her feelings?

You might be ok right now with giving up some of the things you've come to enjoy now, but later you might resent her for the change and the situation could be worse later.

Please get professional help to deal with the situation. My thoughts and prayers are with your whole family during this difficult time. I believe you CAN work it out but it will take hard work on both your parts. Best of luck to you my friend.

[El Caballo]

John,

Gary Chapman - Five Languages of Love

Start there, I will get you more later.

P.S. I did/am doing the couseling thing as well, don't write that off. If you cannot afford it, try and get it through a church or faithbased organization.

[wes]

hey john, gimme a call man
wes