BAD JOKE WEDNESDAY

[Roothawg]

Thought ya'll might like this.




Spiders!!

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he

reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. " What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs." Her father answered. "So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Both of them are Daddy Longlegs. "The little girl

thought for a moment, then took Her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, it might be OK in California or New York, BUT we're not having any of that crap in Oklahoma !!

[katzenhammer]

Har Har Har

Can I add to the bad joke list?

Q-What is the bad thing about eating vegetables??

A-Putting them back in the wheel chair...

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, Goodnight..

[Roothawg]

You are sicker than I...........................

[CURIOUS RASH]

<font color="green"> Oh shit boy.

You just fired up the Cali VS Rest of the States, war.


Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?


If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan. </font>

[CURIOUS RASH]

Insert brain fart here.......

[hankcash]

I was advised by my signifigant other not to post my favorite jokes here....
I guess that she is right as I am one sick fuck....
Sorry.
If you ever run into me at a show or event, I would be glad to run thru my jokes with you on a personal level....but I think that some who don't really know me would never speak with me if I posted a few of my favorites here....
HC

[30roadster]

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

........... Full ...........

[CURIOUS RASH]

<font color="green"> You know RYAN hates these don't you?


Well, ROOT started it RYAN!!!


Prepare yourselves folks and please allow me to apologize in advance....

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts. Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was much too dangerous to go out and study the animals. They pleaded that this was their only chance. Finally the ranger relented. The Russian and the Czech were given cell phones and told to report in each day.

For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists. The rangers mounted a search party and found the scientists' camp completely ravaged. There was no sign of the missing men.

They then followed the trail of a male and a female bear. They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientists, because they feared an international incident. They killed the female and cut open the bear's stomach and, sure enough, found the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, "You know what this means, don't you?"

"Of course," the other ranger nodded. "The Czech is in the male."
</font>

[Roothawg]

har har...............

[safariknut]

OK you've got me started:
This teacher was trying to teach her students math and the problem she posed was,"If you have three birds sitting on a wire and a hunter shoots one of them how many are left?"
One little boy(Johnny of course)says,"None,because the shot would have scared the other two away".
The teacher says that although that is not technically correct(the answer she was looking for was 2)she says to Johnny,"I like the way you think".
Johnny then says to the teacher,"OK I have a question for you Mrs.jones;there are three women sitting in the park eating ice cream cones.One is licking the cone;another is taking bites out of it,and the third is sucking on it.Which one is married?"
The teacher gets all flushed and embarassed but finally manages to answer hesitantly,"The one who is licking the cone?"
Little Johnny replies,"No it's the one with the wedding ring.........but I like the way you think!"
Goodnight

[CURIOUS RASH]

<font color="green">What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer. </font>

[SwitchBlade327]

What do lesbians do when they're on the rag?????


FINGERPAINT!

[Flexicoker]

Well, heres another lesbain one, its pretty raunchy:

What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?



see ya next month!!!

[4t64rd]

This is so stupid it's funny

Didja hear about the guy that backed into a fan?

Wrecked 'em

[Flexicoker]

what goes blond, brunette, blond, brunette, blond, brunette?




A blond doing cartwheels naked!

[shoebox72]

What's Moby Dicks fathers name?

Poppa Boner.

[Byron Crump]

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three, one to screw it in and two to write a folk song about it.

[Boyd Who]

Two seals walk into a club...

[Boyd Who]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender, says
"You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy" Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll
be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his
face."Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself
off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite,
Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the
door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and
shimmies up to the doors frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep
breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the
sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face. "Bi'Jesus... I'm fockin' focked," he says. He can
see his house just a few doors down, and crawled to the door and shimmies up
the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the
stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom
door and says " I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock
it" and falls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the
room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to
drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But
how'd you
know?"

"Mick called, You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Bass]

A man with a giant orange for half of his head walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey! What the hell happened to you buddy?"

The man says "well, I was rumaging through some old stuff when I came across a lamp. I rubbed it and *poof*! Out pops a genie and he grants me three wishes!"
"and what did you wish for?" the bartender asks.

"With my first wish," the guy says, "I asked for every woman I ever met to be madly in love with me and want me. All of a sudden I was surrounded by all of these women!
"With my second wish I asked for a million dollars that I could never lose and could never be stolen. BAM! I was rich.
"And for my third wish, I wished that half of my head was a giant orange."

[SwitchBlade327]

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mom.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling
at the front door, which do you let in first?
The dog of course. At least he'll shut up after you let him in.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

[ESnacky6]

So a girl comes home to her boyfriend at the end of the day and says,
"I'm leaving you..!! I just found out you're a pedophile..!!!"
the boyfriend looks at her and says,
"That's a pretty big word for a twelve-year-old..."


Thank you...thank you very much... Tip jar is on the piano...

[Brad54]

Why do they call it "Mad Cow Disease?"
Because "PMS" was already taken.

[HardLuck]

How do Germans tie their shoes?


...with little nazis.



http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif-HL

[Byron Crump]

Origin of the Nazi salute...

One day little Hitler was being the ass that he was and was picking on a Jewish girl in class...he kept saying naughty things to her and then he smacked her in the face.

The little girl started crying and the teacher asked her what was wrong the the little girl said someone smacked her but she was so scared of little Hitler that she would not tell on him.

The teacher tells the class they will not be able to go outside and play again until somebody fessed up...

Little Hitler then stood up, raised his hand in the air like the Nazi's would someday and yelled "I Hit Her!"

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Anderson]

Why shouldn't women drive?

...because there isn't a road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

...because she was a woman.

Hahaha! No offence meant, seriously.

Anybody up for some dead baby jokes?

[Byron Crump]

What are looking for, something like how many dead babies does it take to pave a drag strip or something? http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif

[Elrusto]

D'OH!!!

[Cad Carver]

[ QUOTE ]

Anybody up for some dead baby jokes?

[/ QUOTE ]

I got one; don't wanna piss anyone off though. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[CadillacKid]

I appologize in advance for this one, but you axed for it....
Why do they boil water when a baby is born?
In case it's dead...then they can make soup.

[SwitchBlade327]

dead baby jokes rock....I used to know sooooo many of em, but I didn't tell em for so long i forgot em. I've alway sbeen a sucker for offensive material...

[Anderson]

I have a feeling this will get deleted soon anyway, so what the hell.

How do you make a dead baby float?

...one dead baby, two scoops of ice cream.

[Rocket88]

What's the difference between pink and purple?

The grip. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

[flying clutchman]

how can you tell if you are at a gay barbeque?

the weiners taste like crap.

why did god invent shopping carts?

to teach women to walk on their hind legs.

whats the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?

you cant use a pitchfork to unload the bowling balls.

no offense to gay people, women or any dead babies that may be reading.

[burndup]

I love this one, everyone knows it, I'll just type the punchline...

The Blonde suddenly starts bawling inconsoleably... "Whats wrong, honey?" the other two ask.

"I dont wanna have puppies!"

[Cad Carver]

This pregnant woman goes to the hospital to give birth. The doctor gets it out of her. The woman is looking at the doctor waiting for her baby. The doctor takes her baby and starts slamming it into walls, the bed, knocking shit over and making a big, bloody mess. She starts screaming: "My god what are u doing to my baby!!!!!!"

He stops, looks at her, laughingly says: "No, I'm just kidding, it was dead when it came out." http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

[briggs&strattonChev]

Little Johnny is sitting in class on a friday with 30 minutes left before class is done and he gets to go home for the weekend. His teacher says, "Children, were going to play a game. I'll say a famous quote and the student who names the person who said it gets to leave school early."

The students happily agree.

The teacher says "Four score and seven years ago." Little johnny is thinking and before he can guess, Emily raises her hand and says "Abraham Lincoln!" she gets it correct and leaves the classroom.

Johnny is very disappointed. The teacher says, "Ok class, lets do another one." So she says "I have a dream" Again, Johnny is thinking hard and just as he raises his hand, Margaret yells out "Martin Luther King Jr.!" She is correct so the teacher lets her leave the classroom.

Little Johnny is now pissed that he didnt say the answer in time.

He says "DAMMIT, I wish that BITCH woulda kept her mouth SHUT!" The teacher stands up and says "WHO SAID THAT!?!?!" Little Johnny runs to the exit door and yells "BILL CLINTON!! I'll SEE YOU ON MONDAY!"

[CadillacKid]

I've told this one before, but I thought that it merrited repeating...

How many hot rodders does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, and three to talk about how good the old bulb was. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[TheRev]

[ QUOTE ]
I've told this one before, but I thought that it merrited repeating...

How many hot rodders does it take to change a light bulb?

Four. One to change the bulb, and three to talk about how good the old bulb was. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
HEY CADDY shouldn't that be 104,including the 96 guys telling him how he did it wrong!!!badoomp tschhh,don't forget to tip your waitress!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Spedley]

Whaddya call a German virgin?
goodntite
Whats the worst part of eatin a bald pussy?
Puttin the diaper back on afterwards!
oooooooooooooooo, ouch, I apologize if I offended anyone.

[desertratrodder]

Theres these 2 guys that work at a factory, and they are best friends.
One is Steve, a white guy, the other is Don, a black guy.
One day Don was talking to some of the other guys about Steve. He said " I dont know what it is about Steve, but every day he comes in here, and is in the best mood, smiling and happy"
So he decides to ask his best bud how he can be as happy too..
So Don asks Steve, " I see you come in every morning, happy, smiling and in the best mood,
how do you do it?"
Steve tells him "I have wonderful sex with the wife every morning!"
Don says HUH? Every morning? How do you get that??
Steve says, "I cuddle up to her in the bed, whisper a love poem into her ear, and we make sweet love."
Don says "I'm gonna do that tomorrow! Thanks Steve!"
So the next morning Don comes into work late, he has 2 black eyes, a big ass bandage on his nose, and his lips are all busted up.
Steve runs up and says "Damn Don! what the hell happened to you!??
Don tells him, "I tried out what you said to do..I snuggled up close, and whispered a love poem in her ear...and then she did this to me!"
Steve goes "What do you mean? What did you whisper into her ear??"
Don paused for a moment, and said..."Nigga bitch, nigga bitch..eyes like a frog, let me roll you over and fuck you like a dog!"

No offense intended to anyone..This is Bad joke Wednesday... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[sentinelT]

I apologize to all, but i can't resist...
[ QUOTE ]


How do you make a dead baby float?

...one dead baby, two scoops of ice cream.

[/ QUOTE ]
Sorry but i think you are doin it all wrong, you make a dead baby float by taking your foot off its head...

[Ragtop]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The Englishman says "This is a pretty nice bar, but back home at the Rose and Thistle I get a free beer from the bartender after I buy 5. The Scotsman says "That's good but home in Edinburough I get a free beer after buying only 3! The Irishman says 'Well there's a pub in Dublin where you go and drink all night for free and when you've had a snootful they take you upstairs and ya get layed for free too! Now that's a good bar! The other two don't believe him of course so that ask him how many times that's really happened and he says "Well, it never actually happened to me, but it happens to my sister every week!

[Jkustom]

So an Irishman WALKS out of a bar.............. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif




whats 12"long, blue, and can make a woman scream?

Crib Death....

ouch sorry for that one....

I have some really good ones, but I dont wanna offend anyone.....PM me if you wanna hear some......

[Jester]

I can't resist.....

A man from Arkansas walks into a bar in East Texas, in one hand he holds a dead cat and in the other a sack. The Arky walks up to the bar and ask for a shot of whisky, the bartender pours the drink and the Arky quickly drinks it and then takes a bite out of the dead cat. "Holy Shit mister what the hell" cries the bartender. "Give me another drink" says the Arky. After thinking a second or two if he should pour the drink the bartender pours it and watches in horror as the Arky drinks the drink, pulls out and gun and fires 6 shots into the sack which is full of shit. "Thats it you jackass we don't cotten to you weird o's around here get the fuck out of my bar" screams the bartender. The Arky gets up and slowly walks toward the door, stops, turns and says "I just wanted to fit in.......all I wanted to do was be a Texan, drink whiskey shot the shit and eat pussy. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Jester]

Blonde joke anyone.......

Two blonds are walking along a back road in Arkansas when they come upon some tracks. "Those are rabbit tracks" says one of the blondes. "No those are deer tracks" says the other blonde. They where still argueing when the train hit them. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Jester]

An Arky, an Aggie, a preist, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Whats this, some kind of a joke" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Jester]

Sherlock Holms and Watson are camping when Holms wakes Watson and ask "Watson I want you to look up and tell me what you see". Watson looks up and after about 3 minutes of thought says to Holms "I see millions of stars maybe some not too unlike earth, maybe even inhabited by beings not unlike ourselves, maybe some more advanced than we." To this Holms says "No you idiot someone stole the tent" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Jester]

You might be from San Francisco if you think drag racing is bill and Joe waring their mothers sunday dresses and sprinting up the road.

[Jester]

What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms laying at your front door.........MATT.

What do you call a guy with no legs and no arms and has just falling into the river........BOB.


A woman with no arms or legs is laying next to a pond when this Arky comes along. The woman is crying so the Arky stops to ask her if she needs help she replies "No one loves me and I've never had a hug" the Arky thinks about this a moment then gives the woman a hug. The woman begins to cry again "Whats wrong now" the Arky ask " No one loves me and i've never been kissed" the Arky gives the woman a kiss and turns to leave when the woman begins crying again. "What now" ask the Arky. "No one loves me and I've never made love before" the Arky goes to the woman lifts her up and ......throws her in the pond and says "Well your screwed NOW !" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

I could go on all day but I won't. Sorry Ryan I just couldn't resist....I mean being a Jester I have a calling.

[G V Gordon]

What do you call two queers named Bob?
Oral Roberts!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who built a house? No nails, all tounge in groove.

Insert rim-shot here.

There goes my rep as a fine upstanding gentleman.

[JimC]

A Russian astronaut, an American astronaut, and a blonde were having drinks, one evening.
after several drinks, the Russian became boastful."You know, we were the first in space"
The American retorted with " we were the first to walk on the moon."
To which, the blonde stated, " we will be the first to walk on the sun"
the russian said " you can not go to the sun, why, you will be burned."
The blonde replied, "Hellooooo! We are going at night"

[Jaker]

why did snoop dogg carry an umbrella??

fo' drizzle

terrible

[FarmallPete]

these suckers are old and growing mold


What do you call a man with no arm, no legs, under a pile of leaves......Russell

same guy hanging on the wall....Art

same guy water skiing..... Skip

Farmall

[30roadster]

blonde jokes...you want blonde jokes?

why do dumb blondes wear panties?
they need something to keep their ankles warm.

Why do dumb blondes wear hoop ear rings?
they need something to hook their ankles on.

a dumb blond walks onto an airplane bound for Hawaii saying " I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Hawaii and I deserve to fly first class". She promptly sits down in the first first-class seat she can find. The plane starts filling up and a gentleman comes onboard and realizes that the gorgeous blonde is in his seat. He says, " Ah... Mam... your in my seat". The bonde replies, " I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Hawaii and I deserve to fly first class". The man gets angry and calls the flight attendant. The attendant asks the blonde to go to her assigned seat but the blonde replies, " I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Hawaii and I deserve to fly first class". The flight attendant is PISSED...so she goes and gets the pilot. The pilot listens to the attendant explain the situation and then he goes over to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately turns red in the face and gets up and goes to her seat. Everyone was stunned and begged the pilot.... tell us what you told the blonde?? He says," I told her that first class doesn't go to Hawaii"

[Nappy]

What's the difference between Micheal Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is white, plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other carries groceries.

[CheaterChris]

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?....
excuse me but your in my SON!!!!

Whats the diffrence between Neal Armstrong and Michael Jackson? One walked on the moon, and one has sex with little boys....

HAHAHAH

[old beet]

How can you tell its bedtime at M Jackson's house? When the BIG HAND is on the LITTLE HAND!!!..........OLDBEET

[autocol]

whatcha call a guy with a bunch of rabbits up his arse?
WARREN.

whatcha call a guy with shovel up his arse?
DOUG.

whatcha call a guy WITHOUT a shovel up his arse?
DOUGLAS.

[Flexicoker]

What do you call the pigtails on a blonde?


Handlebars!

[CURIOUS RASH]

<font color="green">OK

It's Thursday now. </font>

[hankcash]

Ok... here's one of my tame ones....
I just couldn't resist....

There are these 3 gay guys that share an apartment. One Sunday afternoon they decide to sleep in all day and have a mega-threesome. They are going at each other all day long. Finaly at about 5:00 in the evening, one of the three gets up for a glass of water... just as he is exiting the bedroom door, he turns and looks at his partners and says "now you guys don't start back up without me... I'm serious"!
A few minutes he returns to the bedroom, glass of water in hand and after entering the room he notices a huge glob of cum on the wall right next to the bed. He spits out the water that was in his mouth in disgust and looks at his two partners laying in bed and says "DAMMIT YOU BASTARDS, I TOLD YOU GUYS TO WAIT FOR ME"!. One of the two guys in bed turns bright red, looks at the roommate in the doorway, points to the guy laying next to him on the bed and says "he farted".

HC http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

[Jester]

what is the difference between a deep freezer and a gay man.................the deep freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/blush.gif

[delaware george]

you know what's in the air in california that keeps women from getting pregnant?




mens asses

[delaware george]

the smartest thing to ever come out of a womans mouth....einstein's dick

[CherryBlossom]

[ QUOTE ]
<font color="green">OK

It's Thursday now. </font>

[/ QUOTE ]

that very well may be, but hankcash has to give everything a homosexual spin before he's satisfied http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif

[hankcash]

deleted cause I am an idiot!

[Bass]

deleted because Hankcash is an idiot!

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[hankcash]

[ QUOTE ]
[ QUOTE ]
<font color="green">OK

It's Thursday now. </font>

[/ QUOTE ]

that very well may be, but hankcash has to give everything a homosexual spin before he's satisfied http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smile.gif


[/ QUOTE ]

Cherry, I tell you all the time...
I am gay!

Why do you think that I hang out with you so much?

OUCH!

CB 0
HC 1

HC

[hankcash]

[ QUOTE ]
wow...deja vu.

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

Shit, I didn't see that one already posted..
I am an ass...
I will delete!
HC

[Flexicoker]

While that is a good joke HC, I think Jester already enlightened us with a very similiar version.

[ QUOTE ]
A woman with no arms or legs is laying next to a pond when this Arky comes along. The woman is crying so the Arky stops to ask her if she needs help she replies "No one loves me and I've never had a hug" the Arky thinks about this a moment then gives the woman a hug. The woman begins to cry again "Whats wrong now" the Arky ask " No one loves me and i've never been kissed" the Arky gives the woman a kiss and turns to leave when the woman begins crying again. "What now" ask the Arky. "No one loves me and I've never made love before" the Arky goes to the woman lifts her up and ......throws her in the pond and says "Well your screwed NOW !" http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[/ QUOTE ]

[Flexicoker]

seems I'm always a day late and a dollar short, oh well.

[CherryBlossom]

[ QUOTE ]

Why do you think that I hang out with you so much?



[/ QUOTE ]

Because I let you.

HC 1
CB 1

[Johnny Ace]

OUCH!!!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif
CB 2
HC 1

Whats a SPECIMEN.....?
An Italian Astronaut.....

See,you guys don't have to work BLUE.....

[Mike]

Sherlock Holmes is on his death bed with his dear freind Dr. Watson at his side. Holmes tells Watson that he has one last wish before he dies, he wants Watson to fuck him in the ass. Watson is shocked and of course does not want to do it. Holmes assures him that it's allright and that no one will ever know about it, so Watson reluctantly agrees to fuck Holmes in the ass. As Watson is preparing to perform the act, Holmes instructs him to grab a half cut lemon from his nightstand and squeeze the lemon juice all over his willy. Watson is perplexed and asks "What the devil shoud I do that for, Holmes?" Holmes the replies "Lemon entry my dear Watson, lemon entry."

[CherryBlossom]

all it took was ONE gay joke to get you guys rollin, didn't it?

:P

[Smokin Joe]

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
Woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from
the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!


HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom
and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said ! with a charming
little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the
toilet a few days ago.


OPINIONS
On the first day ! of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a Note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."


KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then
she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's
hitting the bottle."


MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into ! shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The
various appl iances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a
pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the
inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The
tooth fairy will never believe this!"


DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning."


DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard
the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his
5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that
proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton
batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of! the deceased. The
minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayer s and with sonorous
dignity intoned his version of what he thought his Father always said:
"Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn ... and into the hole
he gooooes."


SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting
my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I ! can't write and they
won't let me talk!"


BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked
up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been
pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found", the boy called
out." What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's
voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

[A32Flathead]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says,
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astronomically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi, you dumb ass.

Someone has stolen tent."

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/smirk.gif

Yes, I know its Thursday......

[Smokin Joe]

Nobody went political so I guess I'll finish this post off and we can get back to drama... http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat and had grown to be in strong favor for the distribution of all wealth in America. She felt deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, which she expressed openly. One day she was challenging her father on his beliefs and his opposition to higher taxes on the rich &amp;more welfare programs.

In the middle of her heartfelt diatribe based upon the lectures she had from her far left professors at her school, he stopped her and asked her point blank, how she was doing in school. She answered, rather haughtily, that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain. That she had to study all the time, and never had time to go out and party, like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend and didn't real ly have many college friends because of spending all her time studying. That she was taking a more difficult curriculum. Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Mary." She replied, "Mary is barely getting by," she continued, "all she has is barely a 2.0 GPA," adding, "and all she takes are easy classes and she never studies." But to explain further she continued emotionally, "But Mary is so very popular on campus, college for her is a blast, she goes to all the parties all the time and very often doesn't even sh! o w up for classes because she is too hung over. " Her father then asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct a 1.0 off your 4.0 GPA and give it to her friend; who only had a 2.0?" He continued, "That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter visibly shocked by the father's suggestion angrily fired back, "That wouldn't be fair, I worked reall y hard for mine, I did without and Mary has done little or nothing, she played while I worked real hard!"
*
The father slowly smiled and said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."

[robber grin]

Why does Michael Jackson like twenty eight year olds?

Because there's twenty of them.

[Fat Hack]

Rat Rod Guy: "Did you see that rad ride at the show?"

His Buddy: "Which one?"

Rat Rod Guy: "The flat black one."

His Buddy: "Which one?"

Rat Rod Guy: "The one with the red wheels."

His Buddy: "Which One?"

Rat Rod Guy: "The one with the small block Chevy!"

His Buddy: "Which ONE?!"

Rat Rod Guy: "The Death Rod one with Iron Crosses!"

His Buddy: "Which ONE!!!???"

(continue to infinity!)

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[Jester]

From one of my favorite movies......What do you get when you cross a peice of onion and a donkey........a peice of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Did you hear about the guy with five penises.........his pants fit like a glove http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[hankcash]

Guy walks into his shrinks office wearing nothing but saran wrap...
Doc says "well, I can clearly see your nuts".

HC

[SamIyam]

Two condoms walk past a gay bar.
One turns to the other and says "lets go in and get shit faced!"

If you beat your fish it will die...

[Jester]

for CherryBlossom.......why is 6 afraid of seven.....cause 7 8 9.

What do you call a fly with no wings....... a walk http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[bufordtjustice]

Here goes it.....a bit sick but hey, we all got problems..

Q: Whats the difference between a dead baby and a ham sandwich?
A: I dont have sex with my ham sandwich before I eat it

Q: What is the exact opposite of Christopher Reeve?
A: Christoper Walkin

Q: How do you turn a dishwasher into a snowblower?
A: Give the bitch a shovel

Hope at least someone enjoys em....

Greg

[hankcash]

Alright... If Buford can bust out the sick shit... I'll lay a post killer on you guys....

(JOKE DELETED) I COULDN'T LET IT STAY OUT THERE
if you read it you are one of the lucky few....
I am going straight to hell....

HC

[Johnny Ace]

Dude...I DON'T KNOW YOU.......

[34Hupmobile]

Really lousy ones:

Q: What's the difference between a watermelon and an easy woman?
A: If you're not sure let me give you $5 to go get me a watermelon.

Q: What's the difference between a watermelon and an easy woman?
A: One you have to thump to see if its ripe and the other you have to hump to see if its tight.

Q: How are a watermelon and an easy woman alike?
A: They are both seedy and wet and pink inside.

1000 apologies. I don't know what I was thinking

[Kinky6]

How many zen buddhist monks does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb. Both, however, may be illuminated by the experience.




Didja hear the one about the Dali Lama, he walks up to a hot dog vendor in New York City, and says "Make me one with everything."


So the Lama pays the vendor with a twenty, and then asks for his change. The vendor tells him " Change must come from within."





Yeah, O.K., just about that Kinky6 http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[jdubbya]

A guy walks into a bar and says "bartender, gimme twelve martinis"

The bartender asks " Whats the deal, are you celebrating something?"

The guy responds "Yup, my first blowjob"

The bartender says "If that is the case, I will throw in one more, on the house"

The guy says "No thanks, if 12 don't take the taste out of my mouth, I don't think a 13th will help."

Sorry, I had to add my gay joke to the mix. -Joe http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Uncle Pancakes]

Ok as everyone else is doing it I'll jump in: (overheard at my old job)

Hear about the lesbian carpenters who built a house? It was all tongue and groove....

Whats the longest bridge in the world? The SF bay bridge..It goes from africa to fairyland

Why does the bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the fridge...

A gay couple and a lesbian couple are both leaving LA for a trip to SF, they both plan to leave at the same time, who will get there first? The lesbians as they will be doing 69 the whole way while the guys will still be at home packing each others shit....

ryan, sorry for the VERY poor taste of these jokes....

[JamesG]

Ok, I couldn't resist.............

This girl wants to barrow her Dads car for the night. She ask's him and he says "Ok, but you gotta give me a blow job first".......she thinks about it and finally say's "Ok, I really need the car tonight.

So she's down there going to town on him when she looks up and says "Dad, this thing taste's like shit!"......

He says "Yea, your brother just got back with the car"...........

[magoo]

what do you call a man with a seagull on his head? Cliff

What do you call a man with a 2 inch dick? Justin

What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack

[53Chebby]

What's a gay guy call a used condom?

sack lunch

[CherryBlossom]

[ QUOTE ]
What's a gay guy call a used condom?

sack lunch



[/ QUOTE ]

*gag*

that's nasty http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[Jester]

One busy night in a bar in Little Rock Arkansas.......As the bartender is serving beers to a table in the corner of the room, one of the men says to the bartender "I've got $500 says that if you place a shot glass at one end of the bar and you spin me around till i'm dizzy at the other end of the bar, I can stand on the bar and piss into the shot glass and not spill one drop onto the bar." To this the bartender says "I would bet $1000 you can't do that". The man thinks a minute and says ok you've got yourself a bet. The bartender places the shot glass on the bar and spins the man around and round and round then stop, the man jumps up onto the bar, unzips and lets it rip...........pisses all over the bar all over the bartender, on the floor on two women sitting at the bar. The bartender begins to yell loudly and pump his arms in the air in victory "Drinks on the house" the bartender says and begins to laugh. The bartender says "Pay up dude" the man says one minute, goes over to the table says something to the guys he is with and comes back "Here you go $1000" says the man. "Hey wait a minute you don't look to upset about losing this much money whats the deal" asks the bartender. "You see those guys over there crying....well I had bet them $1000 each I could piss all over you and your bar and not only would you let me do it ,you would enjoy it." http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[SKR8PN]

Two gay men,walking down the street. One of them spots a dog on the other side of the street,that is licking his balls. One Gay says to the other,
"Man,I sure wish I could do that!"
Other one says "Go ahead,he won't bite!"

[SamIyam]

You know why dogs lick their balls?

Because they can't make a fist.


Sam.