how to get rid of the wife?

[nor cal nic]

wanna' spray out the '50 ford in one colour,black, it's various shades of grey,white and black primer now, for billetproof maybe add a little colour,too. my darlin' kelly has been after me for some time 'bout this. been doing more mechanical and suspension stuff. want to surprise her and do it tonite.
nic

[Donzie]

Have a friend call and invite her over to help plan a surprise party for someone. Of course, the surprise will be on her.

[hotrodladycrusr]

Give her your credit card and tell her to go buy herself a new outfit for Billetproof. Tell her to take a girlfriend with her and go to dinner too. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[CalifCarl]

Have a fellow Hamb'er take her out for a night she will never forget! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[Donzie]

[ QUOTE ]
Have a fellow Hamb'er take her out for a night she will never forget! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[/ QUOTE ]
Ok, I could do that but I'd like to see a picture of her first. No offence, just bein' cautious.

[hotrodladycrusr]

I think she'd have more fun shopping with a girlfriend actually http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Fat Hack]

Send her clubbing with Germ! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[hotrodladycrusr]

She might not make it home in time to actually attend Billetproof then http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/tongue.gif

[Fat Hack]

Maybe not...but I'll bet she could write a heckuva book about it! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/cool.gif

[Nads]

I have found that the best way to get ladies out of the house is not to invite them in in the first place.

[brutus t maximus]

Nads... aint that the truth?

[Fat Hack]

Umm...here's 40 ways that might help you get her out of the house! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

Forty Mistakes Men Make In Bed:


1. NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving
straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like
you're paying by the hour and trying to get your
money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2. BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at
school told you girls love this. Well, there's a
difference between being erotic and blowing as if
you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th
birthday cake. That hurts.

3. NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine
strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across
your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her
head from side to side, it's not passion, it's
avoidance.

4. SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife
testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand
on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5. BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a
woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying
to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are
highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick
and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them
is good. Pretending they're a doggie toy isn't.

6. TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where
you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like
you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area.
Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.

7. IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is
not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville
East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast
areas of her body which you've ignored far too often
as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So
start paying them some attention.

8. GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in
the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers
and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive,
just ask her to take the damn things off.

9. LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is
the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10. ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very
unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side
of the clitoris.

11. STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't
pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet
back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's
not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12. UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking
stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the
waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her
like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13. GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her
gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling
the material up between her thighs and yanking it back
and forth is not.

14. BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men
can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe
that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is
your hand down there than you're trying to stuff
stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in
principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so
don't get carried away. It's best to pay more
attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her
vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her
and see if she likes it.

15. MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give
her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the
mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees
are not.

16. UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by
stripping before she's at least made some move toward
getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a
couple of buttons.

17. TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and
underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18. GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the
penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do
is pump away like an industrial power tool -she'll
soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete
by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean,
straight, regular thrusts.

19. GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular
hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal
to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a
few seconds.

20. COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If
you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make
sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure
too.

21. NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that
humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a
sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a
numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall
hangings, so she has something to hold her interest
while you're playing Marathon Man.

22. ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be
able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really
don't know, don't ask.

23. PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a
giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth
down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or
flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24. NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this
until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead
very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this.
It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by
their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use
yours; try talking seductively to her.

25. NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes
like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody
likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her
before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26. MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust.
She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie
there. And don't grab her head.

27. TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In
X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men
ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more
laundry to do.

28. MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be
on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does
all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that
she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.

29. ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN
ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not
being able to follow directions. If you want to put it
there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk
is an excuse.

30. TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a
photo of you?" she'll also hear the words "to show
my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31. NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is
anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring
honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables,
ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax
and permanent dye are a no no.

32. SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no
less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33. ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do
advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a
Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask
yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped
hamstrings.

34. LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully:
Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have
a prostate. Women don't.

35. GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert
some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you
do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear
turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36. BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement
like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37. TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely
magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes
nasty talk, she'll let you know.

38. NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish
the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and
she might even do the same for you.

39. SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than
women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she
will turn blue.

40. THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex
with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

[hankcash]

how to get rid of the wife?

introduce her to your girlfriend!
HC

[Kilroy]

Dude, sign her up for a "Salon Day" (If you think you can get it done in a day)...

She'll get her hair and nails done and get a facial. She'll love you for it and she'll come out looking fantastic. If she's into colorization that would even be better cause it will keep her out of YOUR hair longer.

She'll think that's her present too so she won't even expect the other stuff. She'll be floored.

It will cost you (more than you ever imagined possible! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif) but she'll be hapily out of your hair for at least a day. If you need more time, send her to a spa for the weekend. You'll never hear from her!

The best part about it is, when she start's bitchen about shit around the house, you have ammo! "Oh, I'm and inconsiderate asshole, HUH? How about that time..."
http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif

OH I missed the "do it tonight" part... These things take planning my boy! Right now, you're running the risk of setting off her "Other Woman" radar if you try to run her off for the night on such short notice. http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/mad.gif

[hankcash]

"Oh, I'm and inconsiderate asshole, HUH? How about that time..."

I gave you a facial...

(if you don't get it, don't ask)
HC

[4t64rd]

For a few hours - "I thought I saw a rat in the house"
Forever - "You look fat in those pants"

[hotrodladycrusr]

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif You guys are funny http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

I get it http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

[InPrimer]

Fat hack, that is some of the funniest stuff i read in a long time, thanks

[gettingreasy]

http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[DrJ]

Easy, shave or drink one beer and she's (or more likely I'm) gone!

[Kustm52]

Fat Hack, you been reading COSMO again? Somehow, I can't get get that damn picture of you posed on the girls bike out of my head.....somehow all the advice just seems funny coming from a man who rides a girls bike!!!! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[Fat Hack]

COSMO = Sixth Grade Porn! http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

(There are WORSE pictures of me out there...thank goodness you only saw me on the BIKE!) http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/grin.gif

[hotrodladycrusr]

Yea, he could have been nakeeed on the bike http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/shocked.gif http://www.jalopyjournal.com/ubbthreads/images/graemlins/crazy.gif