Filed under: News
A recent emergency survey of our folks in the field indicates a firestorm of lunacy brewing on the traditional hot rod front. Failure to prepare for this madness could result in a loss of all traditional hot rods and customs or, at the very least, the loss of our own sanity. During the next few months we will almost certainly be inundated, even swamped, by a nightmare-blizzard of schlock, gibberish, swill, and general anti-hotrodding bullshit of every type and description. We can expect no relief until after the H.A.M.B. Drags at the earliest.
Our sources claim that militias across the country are preparing crushers and other military vehicles designed to exterminate any car built before 1965. The only remaining antiques will be painted blue, parked in Old Navy stores, and draped with cheap t-shirts and dungarees. Their first line of business, however, is attacking the very foundation of the renaissance – The Jalopy Journal and the H.A.M.B.
Our mailroom will be paralyzed by wave after wave of pamphlets, records, warnings and half-mad screeds from Persons and/or Commercial Organizations attempting to cash in on this grisly shuck. Our headquarter elevators will be jammed up, day and night, by a never-ending swarm of crazies attempting to assassinate key personnel and vehicles. Our phone lines will be tied up almost constantly by hired freaks in an attempt to discourage our message of speed and danger.
And these are only a few of the specific horrors that we will have to come to grips with between now and August. There will, of course, be others – less tangible and far more sensitive – such as subversion of key players and builders in the hot rod and custom industry. As always, there will be a few brainless scumbags going under – succumbing, as it were – to the lure of this latest cult. We expect this, and when these organizational blow-holes appear, they will be plugged with extreme speed and savagery.
Our main soldier in the field is Mr. Raoul Duke. He’s armed, ready, and willing. Wish him luck boys…
Of course, you can play your part to ensure the furthering education of the ignorant public and the utter destruction of the sick shits responsible for this movement. You can buy the recently issued 2010 Jalopy Journal and H.A.M.B. swag. This year’s crop of merch represents a fist in the air and a chant that goes something like this:
“Hell no, we won’t go!”
Do your part. Support the movement. Buy our stuff. Dammit.
What are you waiting for? Get your swag now!!!!